Lately, I've had some pretty "get-real" conversations with myself. Caution: This post is about how I REALLY feel and it gets brutally honest. I'm pretty much taking off the mask and asking you to understand the freak-show behind it. I've debated for a few days about how honest to be.....and I decided that I needed to just blurt it out......call in the back-hoes and wrecking balls and then clean it all up.....and hopefully when all the rubble is gone....rebuild on a solid foundation.
I've dealt with some issues of anxiety and depression most of my life and I can usually shake the blue feelings after a few days. But sometimes they linger and linger.....like an unwanted house-guest. The feelings taunt me and whisper lies to me all day long...."You're too much!" or "You're not enough!" or "Worthless." or "Guilty." or "Ugly." or "Fat." or "Awkward!" or "Stupid!" or sometimes something vague like, "REALLY?" Can you even be too much, yet not enough all at the same time? Can you be a mile wide, but only an inch deep? I think you can...because that's exactly how I feel.
My depression feels.....heavy. Some times, it's like a hot, damp fog descends over me and the air is so heavy that it hurts to breathe......sometimes....it feels like a wet woolen army blanket draped over my head that I to drag around with me...sloshing it's messy, moldy wetness onto the good things in my life. Sometimes it's just gray. Blah. And I just struggle to make it through the day to collapse on my bed at night.....feeling guilty for feeling sad when I have been so very blessed.
That's probably the worst......feeling bad about feeling sad. It's actually a vicious cycle.....that leads to a downward spiral of pity-parties, out of control eating, somatic complaints, more pity parties....which leads to more guilt.......which leads to more pity-parties....which leads to more guilt. So the cycle continues. It makes my heart race.....it makes my head hurt....it makes me irritable and antsy. I have bad dreams and then become afraid to fall asleep again...so I just stay awake....and feel miserable the next day. Feeling miserable leads to more self-pity....and more guilt because I'm not "normal" and the cycle continues.
The misery is compounded by the very real issue of my ever increasing weight. I've been on every diet plan there is....at least 3 times each.....but I've never found success for more than a week or two. Pretty soon, I'm back to my old habits of sneaking McDonald's hamburgers and slurping down Sonic Slushies and knocking back 5 gallon buckets of Diet Coke. Then....it's the guilt...self-pity cycle all over again. I'm just sick and tired of the daily struggle. I hate the way I look. I hate the way that even my "Fat-Clothes" are getting too small. I hate the way I get out of breath after walking 10 feet. I hate the way I struggle to do even simple tasks like tie my shoes or get out of a chair. When I look in the mirror....I'm sickened and disgusted by what I see staring back at me. I don't even recognize her!! Am I still in there somewhere, or did she EAT me too??? I can't live like this anymore. Rock bottom? The End of my Rope? Oh yeah. I just can't do it any more.
I've been spending significant amounts of time alone....which is a dangerous thing for me. It gives me way too much time to ruminate and dwell on how awful I feel about myself. I just wallow around in my misery like a pig in the mud. How pathetic is that?? My kids are grown and out on their own....my husband travels with his work and is gone more than he's home now. That leaves me home alone with just my ugly thoughts and a demon-possessed puppy who chews up all my stuff. I thought the puppy would help with the loneliness.....but it doesn't. I just feel guilty about not wanting to play with her.
I feel like I'm just existing. I'm not living....I'm not engaging....I'm just barely trudging from one day to the next day....praying nobody sees through the facade...nobody peeks behind the mask I plaster on my face every morning when I put on my make-up. I joke around a lot....try my best to be witty and funny ..mostly because it's more acceptable to laugh than cry.....and because I don't want people to know that inside.....I feel like I'm fading away into a dark, damp dungeon.
The crazy thing is that I have NO idea why I feel this way. That's what drives me nuts about it. I have everything I could ever need.....more than I could even want and way more than I ever dreamed I'd have. I have 2 beautiful adult children....a husband I adore....a very nice house.....nice "stuff".....financial success....all my material needs are met a thousand times over. I believe in God and I accept His grace and forgiveness and know that I am His child. I have friends and co-workers that care about me.....a family that loves me.....I have NO REASON to feel this way. Not a single excuse! I think that's a big source of the guilt......how can I feel so sad when I have it so good? I wish I understood the reasons why.
I cry.....I cry a LOT. All the time. At dumb stuff that doesn't merit crying. I really have no control over it. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm lonely, when I'm anxious; I cry when I see a sappy commercial. I can't watch sad movies (I cried for days after Titanic). I cry at church. I cry in the car. I cry in the shower. I cry at work. I've even cried at the grocery store because of a Muzak version of a song that reminded me of a long-ago hurt. It's insane!.......and I can't stop the water-works....even at inappropriate and inconvenient times. It's the darnedest thing. It embarrasses me to no end and destroys any feelings of professionalism. Mostly though, I hate it when my husband sees me crying....I don't want him to feel bad....or at fault. Because he's not. He's a wonderful and amazing husband.
After 25 years of marriage and raising 2 children.....I do worry that he feels "stuck" with me now....stuck with a big, crying, fat, hot-mess. Somebody who cries all the time, whines like a 2 year old and someone who looks a lot like Jabba-the-Hut. I know I'm not attractive to him anymore.......I have eyes in my head and know that I'm not attractive to anyone now.....and yet he still loves me, is faithful to me and cares for me in the most amazing ways. I can't help but think that he deserves so much better than what I have to offer him.
I just feel.....broken. I feel weary, beat-down by my own self-doubt, and honestly......I feel ashamed of what I have become. It's time for some MAJOR changes.
It's time for some SIGNIFICANT changes. And I'm taking the first few baby steps today. I'm starting by being completely honest and taking off the mask and getting REAL.....with myself and with the ones I care about. Too real? Maybe. Too honest? Probably. Too public? Most likely. But I'm going to need some help along the way. I'm going to need some cheerleaders who won't give up on me. I am going to need somebody to talk me down off the ledge and somebody to love me even when I can't love myself. I'm going to need prayer...and lots of it. I'm going to need grace, hope and faith. I am going to need friends I can count on to be honest with me and who will call me out when I'm trying to fake it. And, yes, I do realize that I am asking for a lot.
I named my blog "On The Road to DeMaskUs" for a reason......I'm tired of hiding behind my mask and pretending. I need a life changing encounter. I want to be real. I want to be who I was meant to be...and not what I've allowed myself to become. My first step was being publicly honest about myself and the things I've kept hidden. Now, I'm ready for Step 2.
"Lord, I believe.....Help my unbelief!!!"
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