It’s been a good minute since I’ve made a blog entry. I’ve been crazy busy at work and pre-occupied with many, many things and just haven’t taken the time to sit down and write anything. Today marks 21 days of my prep-diet for my gastric sleeve surgery. I’ve lost 17 pounds and my patience so far. The first week I dropped a large amount of weight very quickly….mostly water weight. Since then, it’s been a struggle of lose 2 pounds, gain 2 pounds back. Lost 2 pounds, gain 1.5 pounds back. Each pound lost since that first has been trying, difficult and an emotional rollercoaster ride. Although I tell myself every single morning that I’m still MUCH healthier than I was before, even if I don’t lose weight……it still breaks my heart to know that I’ve worked soooo hard and yet there is no proof. No encouragement. No “atta-boy” from the scale. Also, if I don’t lose 13 more pounds in the next month….the surgeon simply won’t do the surgery. NO ifs, ands or buts about it. That thought scares me to no end.
I have been following the diet prep plan almost religiously……every single day. Except last night….I wanted an apple. I tried to justify that an apple is NOT really bad for me…..but I knew that I’d already had all of the calories and carbohydrates I was allowed for the day. But my rebellious spirit said, “YOU DESERVE THAT APPLE! After all, it’s only a piece of fruit…..it’s not like it’s a banana split or a bacon cheeseburger! You’ve worked so hard! What is ONE little apple going to do?” (Made me wonder if that’s how Eve felt? Man! I wish I’d had that insight last night!!!)
Here’s where I went wrong…..I put the apple out on the counter. I looked at it. It was beautiful. Perfectly formed, red and beckoning. I look up the caloric content on the internet…..about 45 calories. I picked the apple up. I smelled of the apple. It smelled like apple-scented heaven. I do love apples!! Especially in the fall. I should have put the apple back in the fruit bowl and walked away…..but there I stood….mesmerized by an apple, of all things!!! So then….I sliced the apple open. Creamy white apple flesh….crisp – but sweet. My mouth was literally watering. Needless to say….I ate the stupid apple. I didn’t just EAT it…I devoured it. Like a person who hadn’t eaten anything in months….. And I immediately felt guilty and ashamed.
I knew it was wrong - but I chose to do it anyway. Full realization hit me that I what I had done was the VERY definition of sin. And it broke my heart. I am embarrassed to tell you that I threw myself on the couch and sobbed. Cried. WEPT over eating that apple for a full 30 minutes. I didn’t just cry….I cried myself out. I cried until there were no tears left. I cried until my nose was so red and swollen that it looked like an apple!!! (I did see the irony in that when I looked in the mirror at my red splotchy face once I composed myself.).
You see, I wasn’t so upset merely because I ate an apple…..in the grand scheme of my nutrition I realize that my 45 calorie apple is nothing but a micro-drop in a very deep bucket. I was so “tore-up” (as my Granny would say) over it because of what it represented: my willful, disobedient spirit. The apple was just the latest remix of the broken-record that has sadly become my spiritual life. I can sooo understand why Paul said, “The very things I would do, I don’t do! The very things I would not do, THOSE things – I DO!!!” How many, many times have I prayed for forgiveness for the very same sin? (NOT eating an apple, mind you – but doing what I knew I shouldn’t do for no reason other than the selfish fact that I really, really, really wanted to do it).
After my very dramatic crying-jag last night….after I washed my tear-stained, swollen-up red face and blew my snotty nose, caught my breath and assured my puppy that her Mommy was okay and had NOT REALLY lost her mind……I was FINALLY able to pray (like I meant it and not like I was just doing it because I was supposed to do it) and I felt a gentle sense of peace wash over me….isn’t God’s mercy and grace just amazing?
I wish I wasn’t so hard headed that I let things get to such a state that it takes a mini-nervous breakdown to get through to me…..I wish I was better at listening to the ‘Still Small Voice’ before I plow head-on into rebellion and need a THUNDERSTORM to get my attention.
On the upside…..my weight was back down 2 pounds this morning…despite my apple indiscretion. And I feel better equipped to head into the weekend and stick to my guns. My relationship with God is back to where it should be this morning and that feels better than any weight-loss. I’m so thankful that His mercies for me are new each morning. I can’t imagine living an existence where I didn’t have a hope that THIS CURRENT LIFE isn’t all there is. I face today with a heart full of gratitude and a belly full of salad! J
No comments:
Post a Comment