Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes...........

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes……………

Change has always been difficult for me.  I’m plagued by anxiety, uncertainty and an almost paralyzing fear of the unknown.  Even when the change is good….or to my advantage…..I’m still overwhelmed with nerves.  What if I don’t measure up? What if I don’t have what it takes? What if I DO have what it takes, but then can’t maintain it long-term? What if, what if, what if????? 

Is this new path really God’s plan for me, or did I step out on my own accord?  Is it the right thing to choose? Is it the best thing to choose? How will this pathway help/hinder my family? My long-term goals? How does piece of the puzzle fit into the big picture? 

Am I going to like the new circumstances?  Am I going to have regrets? Will I be happy? Will I be miserable? Will I be competent? Will I miss the old way of doing things?  Will life become easier or more difficult?  Will I meet new friends? Will I miss the old ones?

Even though I am well down the primrose path of middle age, I still feel like a little girl who’s pretending to be a grown-up at the conference table….and I’m terrified of being called out on it.  I had hopes and dreams……and I whisper to myself….”Is this IT? Is this all there is to it?”   Because secretly, I suppose I’d hoped it would be more fulfilling. Am I going to settle for just getting by? Making it through…..marking off the days?  Am I making any difference whatsoever?  Does what I do even really matter?  Is this restlessness in my soul a quiet prodding to reconsider my path…..or is it just uncertainty tinged with neurosis?

I tried asking myself, “WHAT EXACTLY is it that you WANT?”   and I couldn’t give any specific answer.  I want a lot of abstract things that are not very measurable or finite such as 1.  Fulfillment.  2. Pride in a job well done, 3. Satisfaction of knowing I’ve given my best shot and done the best I could possibly do, 4. I want to touch people’s lives, 5. I want to make a difference, 5. I want to make friends and be social, 6. I want to have fun in the process, 7.  I want to give God the glory for anything positive that comes from my life, 8. I want to earn a comfortable living and be able to travel. 9. I want to make my family proud of me. 10.  I want to be good at what I do.   But……the details of how all these PIE IN THE SKY dreams come true completely elude me. 

It reminds me of a song we used to sing at Camp Joy….it was a Bible verse set to music….along with some other lines and it goes like this, “Whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as to the Lord and not to men.  Whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as to the Lord and not to men!  Give you BEST every day…..in an unselfish, service-sorrtta-way….whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as to the Lord and not to men.”   That song has been my silent motto ever since I learned to sing it at camp as an awkward 11 year old with bug bitten and bruised up knees.  Every job I’ve had, my school work, my house-work, raising my kids, work in the church….no matter what the task……from teaching Bible Study to cutting a patient’s toenails to scrubbing the toilets in my house to working on a budget report……I’ve always tried to do it heartily and in a manner that would bring Glory to God.  Not that I’ve always pulled it off mind you……….for my failures mount up in a heap that’s taller than Mt. Everest…….but I hope that by God’s grace and mercy…..at least some of the things I’ve done have mattered. 

Life is really kind of funny, isn’t it?  On one hand…..our days sometime seem so long, lonely and trying that we think they will never end.  We toil and strain under burdens so heavy that they threaten to break us……..and in our misery and woe, we feel like time is standing still.   And at other times, we look back and the years have flown by and our kids are grown and gone and we’re looking back and thinking….”It all just happened so fast!”  It was like a blink of an eye!  The Bible even says that our lives are like a vapor…..like a mist that clings to the earth and then quickly vanishes with the rising of the sun.  Chances are that history will not remember us….we will not be famous or noteworthy…..no one will read about us in books or legends.  Are we just faces in an anonymous crowd?  One in a sea of a million more? What makes us special? What gives our lives meaning? What can we do to make a difference before the vapor evaporates?

Oh, Lord!  My prayer is that I can live my life in a manner that is pleasing to YOU.  That my life can somehow touch others….can somehow reflect enough of Your love and kindness that it points others to You.  Help me to trust You with the details….the minutia, the day to day, the small decisions, the big choices…..help me to look to You when I come to the proverbial fork in the road and help me to take the path that You have prepared for me…..not the one I forge on my own.  My machete is dull, the vegetation is dense and my sense of direction is pitiful and I will probably end up going in circles until I collapse of weariness if I strike out on my won through this jungle of a world. Shine the light of Your perfect love into my life and let me reflect it back to the world…..”You word is the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path.  Never will I fear, as long as You are near….please be near me till the end…….” 

Like the bumper-sticker says, “Let go and Let God.”  Sounds good on a bumper sticker…but it’s harder to live out day to day.  I find that I’m having to pray and ask for strength to let go…..because I just want to hold on tight.  I want to pull and push and rearrange until everything suits ME.  But that’s not the right way.  I need to learn to bend and not break…..to stand and not stumble…..to believe and not doubt.   Change is inevitable.  Nothing lasts forever in this transient world…..not even the world itself.  Meanwhile, I will try to continue to march on, humming my song and doing my best to trust that my future is secure and my anxiety is needless.  God is in control.