Things my Children have Banned me from doing EVER again in Public

A List of A Few of the Things I’m Never Again Allowed To Do In Public (According to My Loving Children):

1. Sing/do the motions for the song  ‘YMCA’ (ESPECIALLY not while on rollerskates)
2. Say, “Fo Shizzle” (or anything ending in –izzle, for that matter)
3. Ever again refer to the police as “The Fuzz” or “The Po-Po”
4. Interpretative Dances with Scarves
5. Mime of ANY sort
6. The Chicken Dance
7. Sing “The Apple Bottom Jeans and The Boots With The Fur” (specifically the part where I “turn around and give my big booty a slap”)
8. Wear my blue velveteen short-shorts with the word “Bootylicious” airbrushed proudly across the buttocks in red and gold glitter paint
9. Refer to my friends/family as “my posse”, “my homegirls”, “my hommies”, “my entourage”, “my home-fries” or  “my peeps”
10. Sing the National Anthem
11.  Sing the song “Goin Quackers” by Donald Duck
12. Do impersonations of Donald Duck (see #11)
13. Sing the theme song to ‘The Donny and Marie Show’
14. Tell anyone that I used to dream of being a “Solid Gold” dancer
15. Sing the theme song to “Fame” (or do the dance I made up to go along with it)
16. Yodel.
17. Sing the song about the Plastic Jesus on the dashboard of my car…..
18. Sing the song about farting at an interview
19. Sing the song “Let’s Talk Dirty to the Animals” by Gilda Radner
20. Sing the song “Good-bye Saccharine” by Gilda Radner (basically, repeating anything ever said/sung by Gilda has been banned)
21. Doing any of the Spartan Cheerleader cheers from SNL
22. Pretending to be a “Wild-and-Crazy-Gal”  AKA Steve Martin
23. Disco dancing of ANY type
24. Dancing of any type
25. Say the phrase, “Getting down wid yore bad self!” 
26. Tell Holocaust jokes (ANNE FRANKly, I don’t think this one is fair!)
27. Use onomatopoeia
28. Over-use similes and metaphors…(as they grate on their nerves like fingers on a chalkboard)
29. Correct stranger’s grammar in public
30. Speak in my fake British accent about a “spot-o-tea”
31. Speak in my Spanish accent because I sound like the Frito Bandito on Quaaludes
32. Use the word “nary” more than once in any conversation
33. Use the term “Paper Mache”
34. Refer to my breasts as “Tha Girls” or “Bodacious Ta-tas”
35. Put money, food or anything in my bra for safe-keeping
36. Wear leg-warmers or slouch socks
37. Tell “What’s worse than a dead baby” jokes
38. Make lists of all the words you can substitute for “butt” (there are just SO MANY!!!)
39. Make lists of all the words you can substitute for “vagina” (see #38)
40. Make lists of all the words you can substitute for “pee-pee” (see #38)
41. Make lists of all the words you can substitute for “poop” (see #38)
42. Quote the movie “Grease” or “Grease II”
43. Quote the poem from SE Hinton’s “The Outsiders” about “stay green, Ponyboy”
44. Refer to myself as “Ma Joad” from John Steinbeck’s “The Grapes of Wrath”
45. Call my husband “Daddy” in public (* to be fair, he’s not allowed to call me “Mommy” either).
46. Say the phrase “Kon-nee-chee-waaah, Y’all!”  whilst waving like a fool.
47. Ring someone’s doorbell and say, “Trick-or-treat, smell my feet!”
48. Ring someone’s doorbell and say, “Avon Calling!”
49. Refer to a big slab of steak in a restaurant as a “Fred Flintstone Piece of meat!”
50. Refer to feminine hygiene products verbally.  EVER. Not even if they have wings and four-wall protection.
51. Pretend to be June from “Smoke on the Mountain”
52. Engage in sign language conversations
53. Sing, “Voulez vous coucher avec moi?” by Sister Marmalade in a suggestive manner whilst wiggling my eyebrows
54. Call anyone a “ho”
55. Pretend to be a Spice Girl (I wanted to be Old Spice!)
56. Sing ANY Brittany Spears song. EVER.
57. Wear gloves on my feet and pretend to be a chicken
58. Play Dungeons and Dragons with their friends (I’m a half-elf with grey eyes and a cloak of invisibility!)
59. Argue publicly that Jean Luq Piccard was a MUCH better Star Trek captain than Kirk ever thought about being.
60. Sing the Ballad of Serenity or repeat any sacred quote from “FireFly”
61. Quote Monty Python
62. Sing songs about the Spanish Inquisition (NOBODY expects it!)
63. Say “Hello, My name is Inigo Montoya; you killed my father. Prepare to die.”  (Apparently, that’s somewhat off-putting.)
64. Pretend to be Fat Albert “Hey-hey-hey!”
65. Quote Captain Kangaroo
66. Say the phrase “Zoinkies!”
67. Refer to my lady parts as “lady parts”
68. Wear a bandanna on my head
69. Give unsolicited medical advice in public
70. Put funnels in my shirt and pretend I’m Madonna
71. Quote “Family Guy”
72. Say the phrase “That’s What She Said.”
73. Say the phrase “Nee-ner-Nee-ner”
74. Quote Pee-Wee Herman (especially “I know you are, but what am I?”
75. Do the Pee-Wee-Herman Tequila dance
76. Do the Hand-Jive
77. Sing about “Miss Lucy” or her steamboat OR it’s bell.
78. Mix my metaphors
79. Call the nice dining room “The Fancy-Eatin-Place”
80. Drink tea with my pinkie sticking out (see #30)
81. Use the words “Hiss-ousse” or “Hissie” when referring to my abode
82. Say the phrase “Elvis Has Left The Building.”
83. Say the phrase “The Eagle Has Landed.”
84. Make mention of the size of my poop (whether in centimeters, inches or just showing with my hands….as it “It was THIS long!”)
85. Refer to my daughter’s monthly cycle as “Aunt Flo”
86. Refer to my brassiere as “An-Over-The-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder”
87. Refer to my brassiere. At all.
88. Refer to cloggers in the mall as “Bug-Stompers”
89. Post a status on Facebook after consuming alcohol.  (that one is actually pretty smart)
90. Say the phrase, “Hey, Y’all!!! Watch This!”
91. Say the phrase “Jeet yet?”
92. Call “Maple Nut Goodie” candy “Roach-bug Candy”
93. Play chop-sticks on a piano
94. Play the nose-harp
95. Belch the alphabet
96. Make lists of all the words that can be substituted for the word “fart”
97. Make lists of all the words that can be substituted for “boobies”
98. Talk about “stickin it to ‘the man’”
99. Pretend to be Prissy from ‘Gone With the Wind”
100. Recite poetry.
101. Play the game ‘I’m going on a trip and I’m taking…….”
102. Play the game “I spy with my little eye……”
103. Begin any story with the phrase, “When I was a young whippersnapper….”
104. Say the phrase “Knee-high-to-a-grasshopper”
105. Overuse the phrase “Wait for it……Wait for it…..”
106. Saying “And what-not” after almost everything I say.
107. Saying “Like people do…..”
108. Saying “Nemesis, Nemesis, Nemesis!” (it’s kindda like saying Bettlejuice 3 times?? But nerdier).
109. Putting peanut-butter on my chicken
110. Saying “Catterwallin”
111. Saying “Sky-larkin”
112. Singing the song, “Afternoon Delight”
113. Showing ANY public displays of affection towards my husband
114. Saying the phrase “Hot-Monkey-Lovin”
115. Any activity involving public nudity
116. Tucking my napkin into my collar at the table at a restaurant
117. Singing “A Trio of Sightless Rodents” (the nerdy version of the song “Three Blind Mice”)
118. Talking about Freudian Slips
119. Saying the phrase “Paint the Town Red!”
120. “Hootenanny”
121. Asking servers at Cracker Barrel if they call it “Brupper” when they serve pancakes and eggs during supper time (breakfast + supper = Brupper!?)
122. Singing the song “Turkey in the Straw”
123. Saying “I am not a crook!” while pretending to be Richard M. Nixon
124. Wearing Billy-Bob Teeth at Walmart
125. Singing the song “The Body Electric”
126. Singing the “Brush-your-teeth” song
127. Quoting Barney and Baby Bop
128. Singing the “F is for Friends” song from Sponge Bob
129. Singing songs from “The Electric Company’
130. No songs with ‘scat’ or ‘doo-bops’
131. No doing the Shower-Sprinkler dance
132. Looking up ANYTHING on www.urbandictionary.com
133. Saying “LOL” instead of actually laughing
134. Using the phrase “So hard” after a sentence.  (as in…”I miss you so hard!” or “I hate her so hard right now.”)
135. Eating Krystal hamburgers on a long car trip
136. Adding ‘-apoloosa” to the end of a word (such as “Alyssa-paloosa” to describe a conversation that’s all about Alyssa)
137. Singing any Prince song.
138. Saying “Llama Dolly” instead of “Dolly Lamma”
139. Ever referring to myself as “emo”
140. Saying “cool wHip” with the emphasis on the “H” like Stewie Griffin
141. Singing “We’re Not Gonna Take it!” 80’s style
142. The Macarena
143. Grabbing my crotch like Michael Jackson while moon walking
144. Making lists of what I would ACTUALLY do for a Klondike bar
145. Talking about how one might contract the made-up STD  “Gonna-syphilla-Herpa-aids” if one is promiscuous
146. Referring to myself as a ‘Hoodrat’
147. Saying “Nacho Cheese, es MY cheese!” (as in “not your cheese”)
148. Saying the phrase “I see what you did there…..”
149. Giggling and saying, “You said…____”  after everything someone says.
150. Saying “Tee-Hee” instead of just laughing.
151. Telling people that my Crack-Whore name is Bambi.
152. Saying I’m going to ‘Tarzjaaay” like it’s a fancy French store instead of Target.
153. Calling Walmart “Wally-World” instead of Walmart
154. Insisting that people call me “Genevieve”
155. Saying “Na-Noo-Na-Noo” like Mork (from Mork and Mindy)
156. Drinking pineapple juice out of a sterile urine specimen cup just to gross everybody out
157. Throwing up gang-signs
158. Making the “duck-face” for photographs
159. Saying the word “gubernaculum” over and over again because I think it’s a funny word.
160. Doing the Hammer-time “Can’t Touch This” dance
161. Quote "Sixteen Candles" ("Say hello to my Sexy Girlfriend!" and "Auto-mo-bile" especially)
162. Use the phrase 'knocking boots' (or essentially any other euphemism for sex)
163. Ride the little kiddie merry-go-round or horsey outside K-Mart