Mental Environmentalism

My mental environment is a blank canvass.  It's a green-screen with an ever changing  background.

Sometimes.....I envision that my mind is like the game board from the childhood favorite of  "CandyLand."  And  I spend a lot of time skipping merrily along the pastel path to Gumdrop Pass, Lollypop Woods and the Peppermint Forrest.  Everything is sweet and bright and happy. There's not a care in the world. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and butterflies are flitting about and flowers are blooming and all is well in the world.

Sometimes.....I envision it like the dessert.  Desolate. Burning hot. Sandy. Dangerous. Arid and lonely. The only things growing there are prickly and mean. Scorpions, snakes and cacti.

Sometimes....I envision it dreamy.  Like a misty forest at dusk with a grinning full moon shining down on a faint mist as the fairies and gnomes come out to dance and frolic under the toadstools on the soft green moss of the forest floor.  It's enchanted and magical...but not at all spooky.  Just special.

Sometimes....I envision it like an industrial park.  Lots of gears and cogs turning, turning, turning. Steam rising from the stacks;  working, working, working. Pipes, bolts, drive-belts, machinery.  Clinking, turning, tinkering, churning, whirling and producing. Spewing out waste, yellow radioactive water and filth along with it's consumer products.

Sometimes..........I envision it like a beach. A special retreat for relaxing.  A palm tree swaying over the water in the ocean breeze, seagulls cawing and hopping merrily along the waterline.  Crabs skittering across the sand like drunken old men....and the ocean...undulating and never ending.....coming and going. Coming and going.  High tide, Low tide. With waves that are sometimes calm and easy, sometimes tempestuous - But always there.

Sometimes....it's like a slasher movie.  Something grisly and sinister around every corner......ominous music playing in the background.....dark and foreboding.  Gnarled tree limbs reaching out like arthritic hands into a cloud-bruised sky scared by lightening and punctuated by thunderous booms and sheets of pouring rain and the un-dead and evil are lurking in the shadows.

Sometimes......I see sunshine, fields of daisies and sunflowers and an inviting hammock strung between two stately shade trees.  Fluffy pillows and a good book with a glass of lemonade beckon me to spend the afternoon kicked back and relaxing.

Sometimes..........I see ballerinas, pirouetting en pointe, graceful arms lifted high.  Frilly lace tutus and sparkley tiaras reflecting the stage-lights.

Sometimes I see nothing.  Just darkness.  Nothingness. Blackness. Negative space.

Sometimes............I envision a sidewalk cafe in Paris, a few blocks from the Eiffel Tower- where I am resting at a table, writing in a journal and sipping dark, fragrant, aromatic cafe.  I am nibbling on a buttery rich croissant.  I hear people at other tables, whispering and laughing in French and I feel so very sophisticated and posh. Oui, Oui!

Because my mental environment is subject to my own whims......I don't relish the idea of "Mental Environmentalism" because I like having the varied mental landscapes to call to mind.  How could I cherish the gumdrop mountains, the sidewalk cafe, and the fairies dancing in the misty moonlight without the contrasting evil and blackness to compare it to?  I think I will believe more in a more Darwinistic mental environment......where all thoughts and can exist, but the stronger ones flourish, but the ones I nurture and pay attention to will be more fit for survival.

The Central Question of Personhood

Am I who I really am?   I guess that depends on WHO I really am.  I have NO idea.   Who am I?  I am Amanda Lee Griffin.  But who on earth is SHE?  How do we define who we REALLY are?  What actually defines ME?

What defines who I am? Do the roles I play define who I am?  For I am a wife. I am a mother.  I am also a daughter, a sister, an aunt.  I am a puppy owner, a nurse and a manager. I am a friend, a lover, a neighbor. Do the things I believe define who I am?  I believe in Jesus.  I believe in truth, love, and grace.   I believe in forgiveness and humility. I believe in being loving and treating people the same way I would want to be treated. Do the things I enjoy define who I am?  I enjoy reading, writing and cooking.  I enjoy working in my yard/garden and I enjoy puttering around my craft room.  I enjoy photography and I enjoy spending time with friends/loved ones. I enjoy traveling and cuddling with my puppy.  I enjoy teaching. Do the choices I make define who I am?  I choose to be married to my best friend. I choose to attend church. I choose to work my hardest. I choose to try to be non-judgmental with those I care about (while hoping for the same grace from them).  I choose to project myself as positive and upbeat (and sometimes I can even manage to pull it off!).  Do the people I love define who I am?  I love my husband, my children, my mother and sister, my nieces, my friends, and my puppy.   I love my coworkers (well, most of them.....it's sometimes a bit of a challenge, but I'm praying for God to change my heart!).  Does where I live define who I am?  I live in the South.....in Tennessee now...just south of Nashville.  I've also lived in Georgia, North Carolina, and Texas.  But I am most definitely a Southern girl by birth and sentiment. Does what I do for a living define who I am?  I am a nurse.....a home health nurse.   Recently promoted to management.....so I guess that kindda makes me the "boss" in my office...a term I really don't feel comfortable calling myself.  I prefer "Team Leader" or something less.....well, bossy.   Does how I feel define who I am?   Because I often feel blessed, content, happy, capable, loved, creative, loving, and lucky.  I sometimes feel sad, lonely, lacking, depressed, inadequate, unlovely, selfish, peevish, petty and unfair.  Sometimes, I feel sheer, soaring joy and then deep, dark despair.....often within the space of a single day.

Do I ever pretend to be someone else?   Hmmmm.  I find that a difficult question to answer.  Because who I am really DOES change, depending on the circumstance.  While I am the same person when I am in a corporate meeting at work as I am when I am alone in an intimate setting with my husband......I cannot act the same way or say the same things.   Society demands a different persona for different situations.  I cannot act the way I act with my mother, sister and nieces when we are hanging out and goofing off and laughing as I do when I am interviewing a prospective employee.  I would be expected to act differently at a church service than say.....at a ballgame or a bowling alley.   I can't whoop and holler and carry on at a funeral home the same way I would at say....a company picnic.   It wouldn't be appropriate.   Does that mean that I am pretending to be someone I am not at those different functions?   I don't think so.  I think that it's merely different facets of the same diamond.   I am the same basic person - with the same values and beliefs and social/spiritual mores....but my behavior has to match the occasion, but my intrinsic character doesn't really change.  With my family and friends, I am free to be more expressive, more vocal,  and way more silly, but the rules of society and propriety would not allow that same freedom of expression in a board-meeting, an airport security line, or in a classroom.   One reason I enjoy the dramatic arts is because of the ability to "try on" different characters.   It is freeing and cool to become someone else -  if only for the space of a single scene in a play.  It allows me to act in a manner I never would, and to say things I never could.  And people judge the character I am portraying - not ME.  

Is there anything more important than being who I really am?  I suppose "who I really am" is the end result of the weaving of a tapestry of experiences, thoughts, actions, choices, decisions, and people who are all part of my life to date.   "Being who I really am" is simply the result of throwing all those ingredients into a giant stew and flavoring it with the spice of my own experiences. Looking in the mirror and asking "WHO IS THAT GIRL!?!?" is a pointless exercise.  It's just ME.  No one else is uniquely me....because no one else has had  my exact same mix of experiences, emotions, reactions, joys, heartbreaks, dreams, pains, disappointments, loves, lessons, hopes, and realities. Life is strange that way.......but also interesting - for if we were all the same, think how dull it would be!  For better or for worse - I guess am 'who I really am' (whoever THAT is) after all.   And you are who you really are.