Well, I glimpsed a mere smidgin of my mortality tonight.....and ladies and gentlemen..... it wasn't pretty. It has been a hectic day at work.....akin to juggling cats while balancing a running chainsaw on the end of my nose with both hands tied behind my back while wearing rollerskates. It was a hectic day. And a gloomy day. It has rained, misted, sleeted, slushed, and was otherwise blustery, raw, and miserably cold. And then I came home. To an empty house. My husband is in sunny Florida this week for work and I'm lonely. So lonely. And grumpy. And gloomy. And morose. And suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, Major Depression, and a trail-mix of many assorted psychiatric disorders such as OCD, paranoia, and bargain-basement low self-esteem sprinkled in....ya know, just for kicks. The internal storm was brewing....I knew I was headed for a major emotional melt-down and I could feel it hanging in the air along with the fluctuating barometric pressure. Sadly, I didn't disappoint myself.
I reheated some left-overs for dinner. The same meal I've had the last 2 nights.......when you've have bariatric surgery, you eat a LOT of left-overs.....one single meal seems to last for weeks. I'm sick of that chicken casserole, by the way. SICK.OF.IT. I never want to eat it again. It was really good the first time I ate it last week.....then it wasn't awful the second time, it was just okay last night, it was gross at lunch today.....and it was downright disgusting tonight. I didn't eat much of it before I flushed it down the garbage disposal in the sink and went foraging in the pantry for other foods. I didn't want anything "heavy".....and heck if I was going to go to the trouble to cook something for just me........so I decided to pop some popcorn in the microwave to eat while I browsed Pinterest and watched reruns of Big Bang Theory on TBS. So I did.
I'd eaten about a handful of the popcorn when I got choked on a kernel. It literally got lodged in my trachea so badly that I couldn't breathe. I tried to cough.....it came out as a desperate wheeze.....After a few attempts, I knew it had to go up or down.....else I was going to suffocate......so I coughed HARD. I coughed so hard....terribly hard......forcefully hard. At last, I dislodged the popcorn. But then I couldn't stop coughing....and then I coughed so hard I started gagging.....and then I coughed so hard I threw up......and when I coughed that hard, as I threw up....I simultaneously lost control of my bladder (Hey. I'm middle-aged woman who gave birth to a behemoth 10 pound baby boy 22 years ago,.....and the icing on the cake: I'd just taken my 3 water pills...so that pump was primed!! So don't judge me for my occasional stress incontinence! It happens.). So I jumped up from the couch......yes, my now vomit covered, urine soaked couch........and tried to run to the bathroom.....but I stepped on the end of my own sock, pulling off my sock and tripping myself.....causing me to fall onto the floor on my knee - giving me a carpet burn and a huge bruise to my knee-cap. I ended up in the floor - hysterically coughing and crying with one sock on, wet pants and a shirt full of popcorn vomit. What a FUN evening!!! I kept thinking....."This. This is how they will find my body!!!" and somehow, I found the will to pull myself up, limp to the bathroom, strip out of my disgusting clothing, shower myself, dry off, and re-dress in flannel pj's and a nice soft t-shirt and fuzzy warm socks. And I just needed to vent.......but I had no one here to complain to (except Sophie the Schnauzer....who listens, but it isn't quite as cathartic to tell her about it....she was there for the performance anyway).
I survived my ordeal......just a little worse for wear. My dog was very worried about me....she stood vigil while I was in the shower. I got the couched all sparkling clean and the carpet as well. The clothes are soaking and will be washed later tonight. All's well that ends well, I suppose. I'm just glad today is almost over. I don't want any more popcorn, that's for sure. I think I will just sit here a while........snuggle with my puppy dog......perhaps chance drinking a warm beverage once my tummy settles down.....and I will just go to bed early and hopefully get some sleep tonight. Steve will be home tomorrow night and my world will get exponentially better and brighter again. I was not made to eat popcorn alone. Too dangerous.
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