Friday, June 29, 2012

Fear

Fear is a funny thing.  Well, not funny-ha-ha - but it can be funny-odd, funny-weird and funny-amusing.  Sometimes fear paralyzes; sometimes it motivates you to action and sometimes it hits you so hard that it just knocks you flat on your backside.  There are so many kinds of fear….as many kinds as there are things to be afraid of, I suppose.  You can fear spiders, storms, zombies, clowns or snakes.  You can fear the unknown, the darkness, or the mysterious.  You can fear the worst; you can future; you can fear the consequences of the past.  You can be afraid of people, of things and even of ideas.   Fear can cause you to feel dizzy, anxious, sweaty or nauseated.  Fear and cause you to tremble and shake, can cause your heart to race and allow your imagination to run away with you. There are irrational fears and there are fears founded in danger and fact.  There may be a deep seated reason for fearing certain things…..or the fear may be completely unreasonable.  Fear of heights, fear of water, fear of public speaking, fear of rejection, fear of closed in spaces, fear of humiliation, fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of illness,  fear of rollercoasters, fear of death…the list of things we fear could go on indefinitely.  
When thinking about what I fear the most in life…I guess it would be a fear that something horrible would happen to the people I love and cherish.  I’m also afraid of failure, of being alone and I have a few irrational fears…such as being afraid of steamrollers (The machinery used to pave roads? I used to call them ‘Scare-Buggies’ when I was a child), being afraid of getting my face wet (even in the shower), and I’m afraid of Jack-in-the-Box toys that pop up when you least expect it.  I’m afraid of Uncle Sam….(WHY does he want ME?? And that dreadful beard and knobby pointing finger???!!!) And I’m afraid of sock-monkeys.  (Tell me that they don’t look like they are evil incarnate wearing those ridiculous red grins!).  I’m afraid I’ll fail….no matter what the undertaking I am afraid that I won’t be smart enough, good enough, witty enough, resourceful enough or bright enough to meet whatever circumstance presents. I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, or wear the wrong thing.  I’m afraid of scary movies because they give me night mares which make me wake up in the middle of the night afraid.  I’m afraid of being too afraid and not being brave enough.  I’m afraid of being too much and I’m afraid of being nothing at all.  I’m afraid of the finality of dying but in the same breath, I’m afraid of the infinite tedium of living.  I’m afraid of not experiencing enough, but also afraid of holding on too tight. I’m afraid of being in control and yet I’m also afraid of losing control. I’m afraid of becoming stuck, but I’m also afraid of running away.  It’s such a dichotomy!  A double-edged sword.  I believe it was FDR who said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself!” Guess he was right.  Sometimes, I just fear that I’m too afraid.  The Bible says, ‘Fear Not’ 365 times.  I’ve heard folks say that it say says it at least once for every single day of the year.   I’ve heard people answer questions like this:  “ Are you Mr. Smith?”  “Well, I’m afraid so.”   Afraid so??  If you’re Mr. Smith, why are you afraid that you ARE Mr. Smith?? Makes little to no sense to me.   “Does this road go to Mr. Smith’s house?”   “I’m afraid not!.”  You’re afraid not?  Does that mean you’re not afraid?  That doesn’t even address the question of where the road actually goes??  Afraid not, indeed!  Fear. We’re told to “Fear God!” and it’s supposedly a good thing to be called “God-Fearing”….but what exactly does that mean?  Does it mean to be afraid of God?  I don’t think so.  I looked up fear in the dictionary and this is what I found:

FEAR   /fɪər/ Show Spelled[feer]  noun 1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. 2. A specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights. 3. Concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety. 4. Reverential awe, especially toward God: the fear of God. 5. Something that causes feelings of dread or apprehension; something a person is afraid of: Cancer is a common fear.6. To regard with fear; be afraid of. To have reverential awe of. 9. to consider or anticipate (something unpleasant) with a feeling of dread or alarm: It's about to snow again, I fear. 10. Archaic . To experience fear in (oneself): I fear me he will ne'er forgive us.




Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Ode to the Coffee Bean

Is there anything on this earth that smells better than a cup of steaming fresh coffee?  As much as I enjoy a Cup o’ Joe, I think it definitely smells better than it tastes.  The richness and depth of the aroma wafts on the air quite unlike any other odor…enticing, entrancing and promising. 

There’s some amount of ritual that goes with the morning cup of coffee that is soothing in it’s rhythm and monotony.  The grinding of the beans, the splashing of the water into the pot, the sound of the percolating, the rhythmic drip into the carafe….then the intoxicating, mouth-watering aroma of the beans as they give forth their dark brown goodness!  I ready my mug…I have a few favorite mugs….and some fancy cups as well.  I tend to prefer my hefty mugs to my delicate teacups for serving up my morning brew.  My delicate tea cups are too dainty, don’t hold enough and are so thin that the coffee cools too quickly for my tastes.  I like to drink my coffee from one of 3 substantial mugs that I keep in my kitchen cabinets.  Mug #1 is my Food Network Mug.  I like the shape of the cup, the height of the cut and the larger size of the handle.  My Mug #2 is my earthenware mug that’s shades of blue and mocha…and it’s my largest and heaviest mug.  This mug is reserved for mornings when I require a “BIG GULP” of coffee to get me going.  I like to use this mug on lazy Saturdays when I am just lounging on the couch, sipping coffee while watching mindless morning TV with my husband and puppy.  My Mug #3 is a recent acquisition…it’s actually a Bistro mug that I got from my employer….has our logo right on the front!  It’s not employee pride that prompts me to favor this mug though…..it’s the perfect shape of the mug and the ratio of handle to mug that makes this mug feel snug and just right in my hand.  I know it’s crazy to obsess over which mug I drink from….but I actually do enjoy my coffee more when I drink it from these 3 mugs!!!  (It might be a sign of OCD or other general neurosis/psychosis….but I’m going to pretend that it’s just my personal preference and I know what I like!) J

Once I have the correct mug….and usually while the coffee is still brewing, I like to pour my creamer into the mug first.  I like to tell the story about how the English put milk in their tea cups before they pour the tea….because it keeps the tea from staining the delicate china cups…but that’s not my reasoning for milk-first. I like my milk-in-first so that I don’t have to stir the final cup!  (Lazy? I suppose so.)  I like to pour my creamer into the cup and then give it about 15-30 seconds in the microwave to heat through!  Then the creamer doesn’t cool down my coffee too much right away…and it tends to slightly caramelize the sugars in the milk and give it a delicate sweetness.  Don’t put it in for TOO long….else you’ll have scalded milk and a mess in your microwave and you’ll be hunting me down with pitchforks and torches for making such a messy suggestion.  No more than 30 seconds is all it really takes.  NEVER, NEVER, NEVER use powdered creamer.  EVER.  NEVER.  It’s gritty, nasty and disgusting.  I have NO idea what it’s made from….supposedly dehydrated milk…but who can be sure??? I’m pretty sure it’s made from ashes and sand….that’s how it tastes in my cup anyway.  I will use the liquid nondairy creamer (and typically do…in the “Fat-Free” formulation) but when I simply want to splurge and get “the good stuff” nothing tastes better than half and half or if I REALLY feel decadent, real heavy cream. I don’t use flavoring or sugar in my coffee….but I do like to lighten the brew with cream…from a dark clear brown to a nice mellow chocolate-color…and that does it for me!  Sometimes, if the coffee is stronger (like with a Chicory blend) I’ll use milk and make a Café au Lait type blend.  Of course, the best Café au Lait in the WORLD is from the French Market in New Orleans….and even when I buy their beans and brew them up at home, it takes away the magic and it doesn’t taste EXACTLY like theirs.  Must have something to do with some French Quarter Voo-doo or something.

Once I have the coffee in the cup and mixed with the creamer, then I like to sit and sip.  I don’t like to gulp coffee….I don’t think coffee was created for gulping.  I think it was made for leisurely sipping and enjoyment.  There are few things better than a hot cup of steaming coffee early on cold morning when the first birds begin to chirp and the world starts to come to life again after a sleepy dark night.  It’s these little quiet moments in life that we should slow down and savor, take pleasure and revel in.  These moments make the rest of the hectic day more bearable.  Ahhhhhh.  Coffee!!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Sweet, Sweet Southern Accents

I absolutely adore being a Southern girl!  I embrace my roots; roots that dig down deep into the gentle slopping mountains of South Eastern Tennessee. We have a certain way of speaking with slow, soft accents that lilt and soothe like a sweet, sweet lullaby and we have a vocabulary that is all our own. I just wanted to celebrate that way of speaking for a little bit….so y’all indulge me a bit.
Y’all”, “You’ens” “All y’all (a large group of folks)” prevail….but we have other sayins that are just as colorful: “Down yonder in the holler,”  and “Nervous as a long-tailed Tom-Cat in a room full’o rocking chairs” …..come to mind.  You don’t push buttons here, you “mash ‘em” and you can tote your groceries home in a paper poke or sack, instead of a paper bag.  You can hear folks disciplining their children, as in….“I’m gonna switch them little laigs if you don’t behave!”)  or just loving on their youngins, as in …“Come here to Mamaw and let me hug yore neck!” Food can be called vittles; a bad storm is called a “toad-strangler” and kids who are rough-housing are said to be “sky-larkin.”   A pretty girl is “fetchin” and when she spends all morning primping, she’s gotten herself “all gussied up!” There are tons of ways to describe a dating relationship: sparkin, courting, wooing, and of course, just going-out.   We warsh our clothes instead of washing them and we use warsh rags to clean with.  We wear britches (not just pants) or maybe dungarees (instead of jeans) and on our feet you’ll either find flip-flops or tennie-shoes (not tennis shoes, mind you…but tennie shoes).
Thinking about things my Mamaw and Papaw used to say that were uniquely Southern, food is the category that likely wins for being the most colorful.  I’ll list a few examples (along with a translation for my friends who are not fortunate enough to speak fluent Southern…wink-wink!)
My Mamaw would shuck, silk and boil up what she called “roastineers” and serve them slathered in pools of butter and sprinkled with just enough salt.  Roastineers are actually “Roasting Ears”…..referring to ears of corn.  Nothing goes with roastineers better than “Arsh-Taters.”   Arsh-Taters are actually Irish potatoes…..or just plain old white potatoes.  Not to be confused with Sweet-Taters or New-Taters.  Arsh-Taters could be baked, boiled, mashed, fried, or cut up into cubes and mixed up into Tater-Salad.  And to drink, you either got Sweet Tea or you got Sweet Milk.  Now, Sweet Milk is just regular old white milk…..but it’s called Sweet Milk to distinguish it from Buttermilk.
Now, another thing we like is our greens.  “Greens” can mean Turnip-Greens, Mustard-Greens, Spinach or even something called Poke-Sallot.  Poke-Sallot (or Poke Salad) is nothing more than a weed that grows wild around here, usually along fence-rows.  I have actually seen people stop on the side of the road to pick Poke-Sallot from a ditch.  Another thing about greens…you never have a serving of greens, nor a cooking of greens or a pot of greens…..it’s always, always called a “Mess” of greens.  You can also have a mess of beans. I don’t really know why, but that’s just how it is.  Now, greens are usually seasoned with something called fat-back….or in the very least some bacon-grease that you saved in your “renderin pot”.  A renderin-pot is a container that’s kept in the kitchen…usually near the stove and every time you cook bacon or fry up anything in a skillet, you pour the grease off of the pan into the renderin pot….and then you use the renderins to season your food.  I’ve seen fancy renderin pots that look kind of like teapots and I’ve seen a renderin pot made from an old tin can.  So long as it’s full of clean, flavorful grease, you’re good to go!  Renderins give flavor to just about anything you can imagine……I always saw my Mamaw use it to season her greens and her green beans.
We also have Lightbread.  Lightbread is just white-bread, you know, that comes in a loaf from the grocery store.  And “fixins”….which just means side-dish. For breakfast, my Mamaw made biscuits…from scratch…almost every single morning of my childhood.  She would save the last biscuit…the one that she made from the left-over dough after she cut out the rest of the biscuits.  This would be a large, lumpy biscuit (unlike all the others that she cut out from the same batch, which were perfectly round and uniform).  That was the biscuit she designated as her “Soakey-Bisket.”   She would put that biscuit into a saucer and pour a little bit of coffee mixed with milk over the biscuit and let it get soft and then she would eat it with a spoon.  I was not personally a fan of the soakey-bisket….to me it was a soggy hot-mess, but my Mamaw loved her Soakey-Biskets.  She would also make a breakfast dish for my Papaw, which was one of his all-time favorites:  Pork Brains and Scrambled Eggs.  I think that this dish is why I refused to eat scrambled eggs for so long.  I could not stomach the though of the scrambled pork brains.  But it was a breakfast food staple on our table when my Papaw was living….he had it at least once a week as far back as I can remember.  One thing that I did love to do was “sop my biscuit”….usually in a mixture of molasses or sorghum syrup mixed with butter.  You’d pour a bit of the syrup on your plate, put a lump of butter in it and use your fork to mash the butter up and mix it with the syrup until it turned the color of honey…then take pieces of your biscuit and “sop it up.”  It can get messy, but that’s part of what makes it so good.
We had other typical “Southern Foods”, although to us then, it was just….FOOD.  Cornbread, fried okra, pickled okra, (note: around my house….okra was never pronounced as Ok-ra….it was pronounced “Ok-rey”) black-eyed peas, fried chicken, candied sweet taters, Mamaw’s fried pies, crackling bread, greens, chow-chow, ‘nanner pudding, teacakes (which was what my Mamaw called sugar-cookies), chicken-n-dumplins, chicken-n-dressin, gravy and biscuits, green beans with new taters, pinto beans….this list could go on for days and days.  There were also some other foods that, while they aren’t necessarily “Southern,” I grew up eating.  These foods remind me of my childhood: Spam on a Saltine Cracker with a smear of mustard, Vienna Sausages (also served on a Saltine with mustard), an ice-cold Coca-Cola (in a bottle) with peanuts poured in, Moon Pies, sugar-wafer cookies, Kool-Aid (served in a Dixie cup, no less!), Icee-man icees, pig-in-a-poke (a weenie wrapped in biscuit dough), with  grape licorice, and cucumbers and onions in vinegar.  (My Mamaw would cut up a cucumber and an onion, sprinkle them with a little salt and pepper and pour a few tablespoons of vinegar over them and let them set on the table in a saucer….best thing EVER with a piece of hot cornbread!)
It’s not just the food that’s distinctly Southern, but how we talk about the food.  If we have a fancy meal, we say that we’re “Eatin high on the hog!” and if something is very delicious, it’s “So good we could swaller it whole!”  If you eat and eat and eat and make a pig of yourself, my Papaw would ask you if you had a “holler-laig” (Hollow leg….a place where you could store the extra food you were eating).  If you were really hungry….I mean starving…you could say, “I’m so hongry that my belly is ticklin my backbone!”  
And many things that SOUNDED like they might be about food, weren’t  about food a-toll (at all).  Give me some Sugar (usually pronounces as “Sugah”) just meant that you wanted a kiss.  A Sugar-Tit is a baby’s pacifier.  Evidently, hailing from the days before the modern manufactured pacifier when Mommas used to take a lump of sugar and wrap it up in a rag and give it to a fussy baby to suck on.  If somebody says that they’re not a spring chicken…..that just means that they are not as young as they used to be.  And if somebody asks you, “Jeet Yet?”  What they really want to know is if you have eaten already.  Or if they ask you if you want “Sumthin Teet” …just let them know if you are hongry and they’ll feed ya!!  If somebody asked to see your “Tater-eye”….they’re talking about your belly-button….but don’t worry….tater-eye talk is usually reserved for youngins, as it would be considered rude to ask an adult to see their tater-eye.
Sometimes, I suppose it could be hard to follow a conversation if you aren’t familiar with some of the phrases and slang we Southerners use to salt and pepper our talk.  We tend to have some odd ways of saying things sometimes.  For example:  “Ms. Sally is really going down since she lost her Wilber; being a widderwoman ain’t settin well with her. I saw her down at tha washaterrier where she was warshin her quilts and she has fell off something terrible and was purt-near lookin poorly.”   If you understood that Ms. Sally was observed at the laundry matt washing her quilts and looking like she was in poor health after losing her husband….you are pretty good at deciphering Southernisms.
We have lots of ways of saying things.  Purt-Near, Right-Near, Di-reckly, Fixin-to, and Near-Bout….all of these mean “soon.”   If you are very, very upset, you can:  pitch-a-fit, throw-a-fit, act like you ain’t got a lick-o-sense, have-a-hissy, carry-on like, have-a-conniption, cause a cattywampus, get bowed-up, or commence-ta-squallin or get all-tore-up.  If you need to get somewhere quickly, you can go: Lickity-split, skedaddlin, go-ta-gettin-in, high-tail it, or a mile-a-minute. 
If you need to insult someone….there are many, many ways to do so.  You can tell someone that they are “too big fer their britches”, that they are dilatory, that they are piddlin, uppity, no-a-count varmint, as ugly as the backside of a mule and just as stubborn……well, you get the general idea.  Pretty much quote any Fog-Horn-Leg-Horn diatribe and you are in business!  Haha!
There are ways to say things that sound almost like what you’d call them: tundershirt (undershirt), tee-niney (tiny), Air-up the tars (fill the tires with air),  tump (dump), afore (before), agonna (going to), tabacky (tobacco), Bammer (Alabama), bee-ins (being as), Bobwar (barbed wire), borry (borrow), his’n (his), yourn (yours), Ida Claire (I declare),  idear (idea), get a holt (get a hold), look in the meer (mirror), done got kilt (was killed),  don’t nome atoll. (don’t know him at all), yousta (used to), ryecheer (right here), warn’t (wasn’t), em air  (them there), orta (ought to), toad (told), tornader (tornado), septin fer (except for), ranch (wrench), nary-a-one (none), figure-on (plan on), and hear-tell (heard).
I could go on and on…but you get the general idea.  There are a few phrases that I have no idea about the origin of…but they crack me up none-the-less.  If a toddler has “Granny Beads”…they have sweat and dirt beaded up underneath their sweet little neck fat.  “Where in the tarnation”…..guess it’s a shortened form of “Where in the entire nation.”  Dadburnit!  It can be used interchangeably with a curse-word…I suppose it’s just a nicer way to say it.  If somebody is “high-falutin” then they are either very wealthy…or they are acting like they are. Another way to say that we’re wealthy would be to say, “We’re in high cotton!”   Another phrase that I like is “Smack-Dab”… as in…RIGHT there!  Let go is “turn-a-loose” and if you are pretending, maybe you’re just “playin possum.”  There are other words and phrases too…..such as “egg-on”, “whoop”, “consarned”, “she’s such a cut-up,” “fasten up yore gassuses,” “swaller it down yer goozle,” “think you’re seeing haints!” (ghosts),  “don’t trust the gubmint” (government), I’s kin-to him (we’re related), Lookey!  (see?) and seeins-how (seeing how…). 
This post is getting long….but I thought up a bunch more and just HAVE To include them:  Barkin up the wrong tree, Chugged full, Madder ‘en an old wet hen, Fly off the handle, Get the short end of the stick, Go to bed with the chickens, Scarce as hen’s teeth (funny how a lot of these have to do with chickens, huh? Haha!), My old stompin grounds, A sight for sore eyes, I aim to, Clod hoppers, Fixin to, a Fallin out, Wait on (as in, she’s the girl who’s gonna wait on me and take my food order), This ain’t my first rodeo, Up a creek without a paddle, You’re getting above yer raisin, Dad-gumm-it, Ain’t worth a plug nickel, If that don’t beat a hen a peckin (and we’re BACK to the chickens!), Don’t count your chickens before they hatch, Hosepipe (water hose), Swannee (or I’ll be Swannee), Skin you alive, Been rode hard and put up wet, So poor didn’t have a pot to pee in or no where to pitch it, Flatter’ en a flitter, Play purty (toy), Whistle-britches, She looks like death warmed over, Ugly as homemade sin, Full as a tick, Sit a spell, and Get on ‘em like a duck on a junebug.  
Okay.  I could probably go on for another 3 pages…..but I’m tired of writing and you’re probably tired of reading…so I will call it here.  Needless to say, it’s a subject near and dear to my Southern heart! <3

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I've Been BUSY! Making progress towards my goals!

I just realized that it has been right at 2 months since I wrote ANYTHING in my blog! I have been a very busy gal these past 2 months! For the first time in my adult life, I'm not just thinking about things to do, making plans and dreaming dreams.....I'm busy about the work of DOING the plans and LIVING the dreams! :) So far this year....I've met many, many of the goals that I set forth at the begining of the year!!! I have been riding the motorcycle with Steve! He even bought me my very own motorcycle armored jacket IN MY SIZE!!! (A size that they actually make and sell!) and I have really enjoyed our outtings! At first, I was scared silly, holding on for dear life the entire time....but I've learned to relax and enjoy the ride more. Things look a lot different from the open freedom of a motorcycle than they do from the confines of a car. We rode for almost 2 hours this past Saturday! And being able to snuggle up behind Steve the whole time is just an added bonus! ;) As of this Sunday afternoon, I finished a HUGE project! I was able to condense an entire suitcase worth of souvineers and over 3000 photographs from our trip to Japan into 4 very well-organized scrapbooks! This has been a massive undertaking. Hours and hours of formatting, pasting, taping, finding scrapbooking papers, finding stickers and what-not to decorate my pages....going through the photos and narrowing down the selection to what would fit into my scrapbooks...it was all quite a daunting task! I'm so excited to have them all completed now! Alyssa laughed when I told her that I had 4 whole scrapbooks...she said that I had made the Japan Encyclopedia instead of scrapbooks! I just wanted to remember all of the amazing things I saw and did while we were there....so I wanted to document all of it very well! Work has been very busy as well...which is a good thing! Job security is always a good thing! I'm so happy that our office is thriving! I’ve been busy gardening. I have a little 4 X 4 raised garden bed in the back yard where I have planted 2 heirloom tomato plants, a pepper plant, 3 little Tommy-toe tomato plants, oregano, thyme, chives, onions, celery, basil and my seedling fig and forsythia “sticks” that I hope will one day grow into real trees!  We have also planted a plethora of plants in flower beds all around the back patio and the back fence including roses, coneflowers, cannas and iris (generously supplied by my Mommy from her yard), phlox, dianthus, Asiatic lilies, sedum, hollies, rosemary and red-hot-pokers…among others. Our trips to Riverbend Nursery are like field trips of fun in and of themselves! I love to walk along, smelling the flowers, seeing the variety of growing plants and dreaming of what I can grow and plant in my own yard! And their prices are very reasonable. We also skulk around Lowes looking for “clearance” plants…usually perennials a little past this years prime…but with some TLC and watering…they will look amazing this time next year! And we get them for next to nothing…often less than $1 per plant. I did take clippings from my Grandpa’s fig tree….dipped them in Rootone (rooting hormones) and planted them in my vegetable garden. So far, it’s hard to tell if they are living or dying….but I’m going to leave them alone and see if there is some root-magic happening under the soil that I just can’t see. I’d love to have a little piece of my Grandpa’s fig tree growing big and strong in my own yard. I still haven’t found a reasonably priced lemon tree yet…..I do want one terribly…but the ones I’ve seen have been out of the price range I want to spend. One of these days though….I’m gonna get lucky and just snap one up!  I’ve also been busy as a little bee working on getting my craft-room organized! I moved the tall bookshelf from the empty bedroom to my craft room and painted it green to match my craft storage hutch and it’s now chocked full of my cookbooks and craftbooks!  I found a green braided rag rug that matches my craft room furniture….and it’s starting to look cozy! I found a pretty vintage hat-box at the antique store that’s just darlin and I found an old picnic basket at the Goodwill that is so pretty! I have them on the top shelf of the bookshelf and I can even use them for storage! Steve still hasn’t finished the grout on some of the tile…but for the most part, the room is done. Once the time is completely done and I can clear all of his tools out…I plan on getting a comfy chair for reading and I need to think about some kind of window-treatment…..then I should be pretty much set for décor in there! There is plenty of room for crafting, painting, etc. etc. etc. Now…I just need to begin planning crafting projects!  I’ve been taking lots of pictures! I do so much enjoy taking pictures and then uploading them to see what I captured! I realize there are scientific principles behind photography….but I prefer to think of it as some special kind of magic that makes my photos magically transfer from the camera to the computer and sometimes, even to printed paper. I love how I can preserve memories that way! I love nothing better than to sit and look through old photo albums from when my children were little….from our vacations…even from when I was in high school. I love the idea of preserving some little piece of our lives that someone else can look back on. I suppose it’s a sort of validation of my own existence, I guess…but mostly, it’s just that sense of wonder and nostalgia that I feel when I look back at the pictures. I’ve been taking pictures of about everything lately….my puppy dog (who, I’m afraid has become my surrogate child now that my kids have left home), my son, my husband (who’s usually an unwilling participant), flowers, trees, old buildings, churches, places we visit, old barns along the roadside…..just about everything seems to catch my eye. I’m so glad that we have digital technology now! I can snap thousands of pictures and it never costs a dime! (Unlike the old days where we had to pay for the film and then pay to get the film processed and then pay for albums in which to store the pictures). Now, there’s really no limit to what/how much I can photograph!  My husband and friends like to tease me about always having my camera…but looking back over the pictures makes me extremely happy….and it’s such a simple joy.  I have been working out at least 3 times a week…often more. I go to the gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings and work out on the elliptical trainer and weight machines, bikes and arc trainers. My endurance has really improved! I’m getting stronger and my aerobic capacity has more than tripled! My weight is down about 80 pounds! I have so much more energy too! I come home from work and instead of dying on the couch….I feel like cleaning, cooking and a lot of evenings, I’ll go for a walk around the neighborhood with Miss Sophie! We get to meet our neighbors, see other puppy dogs and even see some wildlife! Last week on our walks, we saw deer, bunny rabbits and wild turkeys! It’s always an adventure! Sophie can use the exercise too….and I like being more active….it just makes me feel better. I’ve also been shaping up some too! I was able to buy a blouse at a REGULAR store…not a “plus-size” store! And I was also able to buy a bra at Wal-Mart! That doesn’t sound all that impressive…but after not being able to buy “normal-size” bras anywhere for the last 10 years…and having to spend upwards of $40 per giant bra at Catherine’s…I was ESTATIC to be able to buy a bra at Wal-Mart! I also was able to buy panties in a size that wasn’t PLUS!  I’ve dropped 10 dress sizes!!!! TEN!!! And at my last check-up, all of my labs…every SINGLE one was completely normal. Now there’s a reason to celebrate!!!  I also enjoy spending a few minutes each evening perusing “Pinterest” and finding cool recipes and ideas for crafts or home décor or gardening or whatever. I currently have about 43 boards and thousands of pins. There’s just always something new to see! It’s like being able to subscribe to 1000000 magazines each day!  I will have to admit that I’m totally addicted. I can’t help it!  Well….all of that to say….for the first time in a very long time….instead of THINKING about doing things…DREAMING about doing things and WRITING about doing things….I’m actually out DOING them!  It leaves a little less time for writing and journaling…but it’s totally worth the trade off!! I’m happier than I’ve been in years…and I’m completely 100% free from antidepressants!  It’s amazing what a little self-esteem will do for a soul, huh?  I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams this past year. And while I won’t promise regular and consistent blog postings…..I do promise that I will continue to pursue my interests and goals and I will check in from time to time!     PROGRESS TOWARDS THE 2012 GOALS SO FAR: Wear a pair of Go-Go boots!  I've wanted a pair my whole life, but they've never fit! Ride Steve's motorcycle with him! I've always been too heavy. DONE IT! Go Horseback riding (Don't worry....I'll wait until it's fair to the horse!) haha! :) Go Hiking!! DONE IT!!! Wear high-heels! DONE IT!!! Go on a romantic Picnic. DONE IT!! Dress up in Fancy Clothes and go to a Fancy Party. DONE IT!! Wear a Swimsuit (It's been a while). Keep my toenails painted nicely (now that I'll be able to SEE them!) :) Get a massage on a monthly basis for pain control (Thank you, Massage Envy!) DONE IT!! Create and organize my craft room. DONE IT!!! Take more painting classes. Get involved in a small group at our new church. Consistently do my Bible Study. DOING IT!! Learn how to apply my make-up. Change things up. DOING IT! Visit Nappa Valley. SCHEDULED IT FOR November 2012!!! Make my Japan Scrapbook. DONE IT!!! Cruise to Mexico for 25th Anniversary. DONE IT!!! Schedule at least 3 romantic weekend "get-aways" (Day Trips) ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO!!! Study local history and visit local historic places. DOING IT!!! Take more thoughtful photographs DOING IT!! Send at least 1 encouraging note a month to my friends who are struggling. DOING IT!! Open my home to my friends more often for entertaining. I'm tired of being lonely!!! DOING IT!! Do something extra special for Steve on a consistent basis (monthly??) to let him know how much I appreciate and love him. DOING IT! Get a frilly 50's style retro apron to wear while I do housework and cook! GOT ONE!! WEAR IT ALL THE TIME! Plant a fig tree in the back yard....I want a cutting from my Grandpa's tree! GONE ONE!!! I want a lemon tree! And maybe a lime tree too! I will bring it inside in the winter and keep it outside in the summer! I want to be serious about my little garden this summer and not be lazy and forget to water it like I usually do. I want a big beautiful harvest!! And I want to use my produce to cook healthy meals! DOING IT!! I want to organize my closets and drawers! And have them STAY organized for more than a week! I want to FINALLY make a fairy garden for my back porch! I've talked about it for years...I want to actually DO it! I want to decorate my work office....something with a cohesive theme! It's plain, depressing, ugly and non-inspiring right now. I want to make at least 2 new friends this year. At least 2. I'm so tired of being lonely! Maybe in the spring when it's not too hot, I'd like to go to a Drive-In movie! I haven't been to one since I was about 5 years old! I want to learn to use an ipod or MP3 player...whatever it is you call them (just realized that I sound like I'm 80 years old now!) and I'd like to upload all of my favorite music to listen to while I work out at the gym.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Style...I need a new STYLE!!!

I have come to realize that I have no distinct “style” at all. I recently went through my closet and tried on every piece of clothing I owned. I gave away 6 Hefty Bags full of clothes to my sister. After losing almost 70 pounds, I don’t have that much that fits me anymore. During this “clothes trying on” session, I came to realize that most of the clothing I buy is loose, baggy and “comfortable.” I don’t really have anything that’s stylish or happening.

I guess part of the issue was that when I was so large, the LAST thing I wanted to do was call attention to my body. As long as I was covered up, I was happy. I always sing the refrain, “Modest is Hottest!” and I do believe it….but I also hide behind it. Is it really immodest to show your knee caps or your arms above the elbow? Not so much. But when you are 300+ pounds, it’s just not an appealing thought. I mean, I’d LOVE to wear a tank-top in the summer time, but the thought of my upper arm fat “bat-wings” flapping in the wind is a pretty strong deterrent. Same issue with my legs….when your knee caps have knee caps and your calves have their own zip codes: longer dresses and long pants just feel safer.

But now……now I am feeling a little bit ready to venture out into the world of fashion. Now, I’m not talking Lady Gaga fashion or Channel or anything like that. I just simply want a “style” to call my own. Something classy….timeless…and something that looks pulled together and not just thrown-on. My favorite styles I guess fall under the category of “Vintage.” I love, love, love the dresses from the 1940’s and 1950’s! Kind of a mixture of “I Love Lucy” meets “Happy Days” meets “Leave it to Beaver.” The bad thing about it is, I end up more in the “Aunt Bea from Mayberry” category if I’m not careful. Yes. I tend to look very FRUMPY and old-lady-ish if I’m not careful.

I’d love nothing better than to wear dresses with cap-sleeves, dainty waistlines and flared skirts with pretty pumps and a string of pearls, a cloche hat and a pair of white gloves. Of course, this is a style that looks PERFECT on a tall willowy model….and on me: Aunt Bea Frumpy. Now, don’t get me wrong….I do love me some Aunt Bea! And I think she was a marvelous cook with a big heart and she was a very loving character….but she wasn’t the prettiest or most attractive gal in Mayberry. Some days, I just want to feel pretty. Like Maria in ‘West Side Story’!!! I want to sing, “I feel pretty! O so pretty!” And instead, most days….I look in the mirror and with a heavy sigh whisper to myself, “Well, I guess that will have to do.”

I’m on the road to making peace with my body. I’m exercising and I’m amazed at how much stronger I’m becoming. My body is shrinking, but with the shrinkage comes sag-age as well. My skin is not as “elastic” as it used to be and doesn’t spring back. The newly discovered lines and wrinkles on my face don’t really bother me…I feel like I’ve earned those. Even the crows feet (that resemble pterodactyl feet some mornings) lining my eyes aren’t all that awful and bothersome. But the saggy skin under my arms and my boobies that now look like 2 grapefruits swinging at the end of very long tube socks when I lean over….well, that is another story altogether. Talk about a confidence shaker! Haha!

Anyway. I digress. (I know, it’s shocking, right??)  I am not on the search for some sense of my own personal “style.” I don’t quite know what that looks like yet. I have been looking on Pinterest and I found several outfits and dresses that appeal to me….but I’m not sure how that would translate in real life. Clothing tends to look different on models than on my Rubenesque and curvy countenance. (Rubenesque sounds so much prettier than Plus-Size, doesn’t it?)  I’ve been looking in magazines, browsing catalogues, scoping out the clothing in stores, looking on Pinterest, noticing what other women are wearing……and I’m trying to piece together some semblance of how I want to look.

Even though my size is much smaller than it was, in my head….I still feel very large; this makes me wary of so many types of clothing. My mind set: Nothing with a dropped waist or pheasant style (They look like maternity tops on me!). Nothing fitted. Elastic waistbands. Muted or dark monotone colors. I have to get over this mindset, or else everything I chose will still be too big, too boxy and not-flattering….and I end right back up at FRUMPY again.

I also want to experiment with makeup! I bought some new eye-shadow that supposedly formulated to enhance blue eyes. I tried it on this morning….but I can’t decide if it makes me look eye-enhanced… or like Sadie the Painted Lady. There has to be a balance to strike between the two extremes. I guess the problem is that I never really learned how to apply make-up “the right way.” I pretty much just started slathering it on once I reached the magical era of 8th grade and was allowed to wear it. And that was during an era of frosted blue eye-shadow and neon-pink lipstick. I am proud to say that the frosted blue eye shadow and neon pink lipstick went the way of my roller-skates and staying up until 2am (thankfully, they’re ALL long gone).

Once I went to Merle Norman to have my make-up done and try to learn to do it myself. I left looking like a confused clown with bright neon yellow and navy blue eye shadow and the bright orange slashes of blush down my cheeks that resembled angry war-paint. I never went back. Another time, I went to the Clinique counter at an upscale department store to have my make-up done and try to get some instruction on how to apply cosmetics. That lady was more concerned about my pores than anything else and kept fixating on exfoliation. By the time she finished scrubbing and exfoliating my face (with this white pad that resembled a Brillo pad, mind you!), my face was red and blotchy and there was no point in even trying to apply make-up. So I gave up and went back to my Cover Girl make-up that I could buy at Wal-Mart. I’ve been wearing my make-up the exact same way since way back then. I feel like I’m in a bit of a rut, to say the least. I have toyed with the idea of getting my make-up “done” again….but like they say… “twice burned, thrice shy.” And have you SEEN some of the folks who work at the make-up counters these days?? I’m terrified I’d walk away looking like a Gothic Emo chick, a plucked minimalist chicken or an Andy Warhol painting!! Guess I’ll stick to my own bathroom mirror experimentation for now. Maybe I’ll gather up enough guts, nerve and moxie to brave an “expert” again in the future. Maybe.

Perhaps what I need is a personal fashion consultant! Some honest, but kind….who will shoot straight, but not shoot my heart out….to go with me and give me feed-back on the things I try on. Someone to say, “Really?” or to say, “REALLY!!” so that I would have a clue as to what looks good. Haha! Now taking applications for a personal fashion consultant!!!  

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Hope SPRINGS Eternal

I’m pretty sure I have a bit of early-onset spring fever today.  I feel lazy and the only thing I really want to do is go outside and soak up some sunshine.  Instead, I’m stuck in my office behind a desk; At least there is a window and I can look outside and see the sunshine!  The sky has been that beautiful color of blue…that azure kind of blue that makes your eyes water with it’s brightness and the air is clear and crisp and the perfectness of the way it looks just squeezes my heart and makes it ache a little with the beauty of it all.  The grass is starting to turn green and looks soft and lush in tufts and patches.  It makes my feet itch to kick off my shoes and socks just to feel the cool silky softness of the new grass on my bare feet!  It’s still too cool for such shenanigans…but I have the itch anyway.   I remember growing up that my Grandma wouldn’t allow us to go barefoot until the first day of May every year.  It about drove me BANANAS waiting on May-Day so I could be free of my shoes!  (I’ve always hated wearing shoes!)  The first day of May, she would allow us to take off our shoes and run around the house ONE time. We’d run like crazed hooligans with big goofy grins on our faces, hooting and hollering like convicts just outta the big-house.   Then we had to put our shoes back on until the next day….when we were granted a whole TWO laps around the house, then on the third day, we’d get THREE laps….  She usually just gave up and let us run around barefoot all the time after about the third day.  It was such a fun ritual back then!  J  I looked forward to it all spring!   Kind of like waiting for Easter so that we could wear our white shoes!  We always got a new pair of white shoes…usually white patent leather shoes to wear with our Easter dress to church! Beginning about Valentine’s Day, I’d looked forward to wearing those new white shoes on Easter Sunday! 
Spring time always turns my mind to rebirth, renewal and new beginnings!   The way the tender shoots of green plants start poking their shy heads through the rich brown dirt, the way the birds sing in the early morning mist and the way the tree branches that have been so bare all winter become fuzzy on the tips before breaking forth in full leaf…..all of these things hint at starting over.  The warmer spring days and sunshine mark an end to the bleak coldness of winter and make me feel so hopeful and full of promise.  I love the color palate that spring boasts:  the pastel purple of hyacinths, the pale yellow of daffodils, the vibrant neon yellow-green of new grass, the creamy whites and pinks of dogwoods in bloom – they are all so very beautiful!  The whole world looks like an Easter Basket!  I love that Easter is in the spring….symbolizing the ultimate re-birth!  So many, many spring mornings, I can almost hear the song by Sandi Patti in my head, “Was it a morning like this?” Especially the lines that ask, “Did the Grass sing?  Did the earth rejoice to feel you again?”  It just fills me with such gladness and promise. 
I love the milder temperatures that allow us to venture back outside after our winter confinements indoors.  I like the brisk March breezes that tease the new leaves and make the daffodils bob their heavy yellow heads up and down, like they are keeping time with a groovy tune that is just out of my earshot.  I love trading heavy coats for light sweaters and I like the cool nights when it’s still nice to cuddle up by a fire.  I like the return of all the songbirds from their winter homes.  I like the flurry of activity as they prepare their new nests, gather food and chose their mates and prepare to raise their baby birds.  I like to make sure I keep my bird feeders full this time of year so that I can spy on this wonderful homecoming and listen in to the happy chirping and tweeting.  It’s hard not to smile when the morning sun is warming your face and the birds are singing their morning songs. 
I like planning my garden and choosing what I want to grow for the season.  Herbs…always herbs!  They smell and taste so wonderful!  And tomatoes…I dream of big, red, juicy globes of sweet tomato-y goodness!  I almost always plant peppers and marigolds.  Marigolds seem like a sweet old-fashioned lady in a garden!  They say that marigolds help keep other pests away from your tomato plants, but I love them for their cherry yellow and orange colors and simply because they remind me of my sweet Mamaw.  She always grew marigolds and I can still remember that “marigold smell” that would get on my hands when we would pinch off the heads of the spent flowers and let them dry so that we could salvage the seeds and grow another crop of marigolds!  Seemingly hundreds of seeds from one single flower! Talk about possibilities!  I also love Zinnias – just because they come in a rainbow of colors (like a box of crayons!) and look so happy.  I like cannas, iris and roses too.  I love plants that come back year after year, just like old friends.
I love how the daylight stays a little longer each day, stretching our time for walking, grilling or just enjoying a mild evening on the porch. I don’t even really mind losing an hour of sleep when time “springs forward” because it means lighter, longer and more productive evenings at home.  My Mamaw didn’t like the time change though; she called it “that old fast time” and would always complain that we shouldn’t mess with what God had given us.  That argument used to crack me up when I was a little girl. 
One thing I wasn’t too crazy about in the spring time was Mamaw’s “spring cleaning.”   That was an area where there was NO compromise and laziness was not tolerated.  Spring cleaning meant (among other things) that on a warm, pretty, sunny day, the storm windows would be taken down, the windows opened and cleaned.  Thoroughly.  The window sills were scrubbed with bleach water and a scrub-brush; the baseboards and all the trim work in the house got the same treatment, only with an old toothbrush.  She even washed down the kitchen walls and the bathroom walls with bleach water.  The windows were cleaned until they sparkled.  All the curtains came down for a good washing and ironing and all the doilies on the coffee table and end tables were washed and then re-starched until they were stiff as boards.  We moved all the furniture and cleaned underneath and behind everything.  Everything came out of the kitchen cabinets and we scrubbed the shelves.  All our clothes were washed and we’d open up what she called “The Cedar Chest” and pull out our summer and spring clothes and store away our sweaters and winter things, along with copious amounts of moth-balls to keep them safe.  If I think on it hard enough, I can still smell that moth-ball smell!  Spring cleaning was no small feat.  It usually took 1-2 weeks for us to complete all of the tasks on her spring-cleaning list.  As children, we dreaded that list!!! Haha! Looking back, it really wasn’t all that terrible….and we certainly had fun with it too.  And now….now, I’d give just about anything for just an hour of scrubbing those window sills with her again, just so I could hear her laughter and hear her stories about how hard it was hard for her to the oldest and the only girl with 9 little brothers when she was growing up.  I miss her so much that my heart is still breaking and I’m still grieving the loss- five years after her death; even as I type this, I can hardly see the screen for my hot tears.  I’m just so glad that I don’t have to grieve as someone who has no hope…..for I know with a certainty that she is waiting for me to join her in Glory – where there are no more sad good-byes. It's a hope that, if you will pardon the pun...."Springs Eternal!"