WHOEVER said that there was no use in crying over spilled milk had never spilled an entire gallon of milk into the trunk area of a (rear engine) brand-new, leased BMW Z-4 convertible. It was 30 seconds of poor judgement a year ago.....and I'm still paying for that lapse in judgement today.
On a warm October evening here in Pinellas Park, Florida, my husband was coming back form a business trip to Washington DC. I decided to make a last minute trip to the grocery store to stock up on the essentials so that I could surprise him with a nice, hot, home cooked meal and homemade brownies waiting for him upon his return that night. I had worked 12 hours already, stopped by the grocery store, and was putting groceries in the trunk of my car. It was the first time I'd been grocery shopping in my new car....and the trunk sure didn't hold a lot.....not if I wanted to put the top down. But there seemed to be plenty of room on the sides of the trunk....and it was very dark in the parking lot......so I couldn't see the warning stickers saying "Don't place any item here." So I loaded up the truck, returned my shopping cart and hopped back in the car. I turned on the engine and pushed the button to lower the top of the car. All of a sudden, I heard the loudest GUNSHOT I'd ever heard!! My entire car shook. I just knew I'd either been shot or a car had run into me at a high rate of speed in the parking lot. I was stunned. And then I heard what sounded like water running. It took a good minute for me to realize what had just happened.
The mechanism that lowers and raises the convertible hardtop takes up the room where I had placed my gallon of milk. And as the mechanical arm came down with it's hydraulic pressure, it crushed the plastic gallon of milk, causing the loud boom and the power of the impact of the explosion had shaken the whole car. I was stunned. I got out of the car and looked at the trunk. White liquid was running out of the back and had splattered EVERY. WHERE. My groceries were milk-soaked. The carpeting in my trunk was milk soaked. And what I didn't understand at the time.....the milk was dripping, seeping, and leaking down into the engine compartment and into the hydraulic pump for the convertible top.
SO.....I did what any normal female would do in this situation. I started crying. Hysterically. In the parking lot of the grocery store. An older lady stopped to see if I was hurt and if she could help me. I was squalling. Not just crying....not just a few dainty tears....I was snot-bubble-blowing- can't-catch-your-breath- sniveling-snorting bawling. I think I was trying to explain what was happening....and I must have added in some where along the rambling, sobbing tale, "My husband is going to KILL me!" Because that ONE phrase was all she zeroed in on. She kept asking me questions like..."Sweetie, does your husband hurt you? Does he hit you? Do I need to call 911?" I came to my senses long enough to realize that she had entirely the wrong idea about what was going down.....and I had enough sense to thank her for her kindness and then put the top back up and high-tail it out of Dodge before the police arrived to arrest my poor unsuspecting, non-abusive husband.
As I hit the button to raise the top back up, the top came up.....and about a third of the gallon of milk showered INSIDE my car as the now milk-soaked headliner in the roof snapped back into place above my head. Now, not only was my trunk milk-soaked, but the entire interior of my car was milk-soaked....along with my hair and clothes. I'm pretty sure I washed the milk off my face with the steady flowing river of tears I was still crying. I stopped off at the Dollar General store at the end of my street and bought 2 cans of heavy-duty carpet cleaner, 2 cans of carpet fresh, a bundle of microfiber towels, and a bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol (Because evidently completely ruining a brand new expensive car and then incessant crying makes my head hurt). I was still crying when I made it to the checkout and the guy working that night looked at me kind of worried.....asked, "Ma'am, are you okay? Do you need help?" To which I sobbed....."No thank you, but thank you! I just spilled a gallon of milk in the trunk of my brand-new car and I need to go clean it as soon as possible." He looked at me like I was from Mars.....but at least he didn't question me further and (as far as I know) he didn't call the cops.
So I got home and carried in my soggy groceries. I dried off and salvaged what I could.....but a box of bran flakes and a 24 pack of toilet-paper just do not stand up to a soaking in a grocery bag bag full of milk. Everything I took out of the bags was covered in milk. I soon remembered that milk has lactose.....a sugar. So everything was also incredibly STICKY too. After the food was safely in the house......I went back out side to survey the damage in the car.
I opened the trunk and use an entire roll of paper-towels to sop up the milk. Still not enough. I lined the trunk with 2 giant beach towels and they soaked up milk until they were soppy wet. I don't know HOW much milk was in that gallon of milk......but I know that it was more than a gallon. It had to be more than a gallon. That evil milk multiplied. There was milk EVERYWHERE. The carpet in the trunk was soaked. The carpet on the top of the trunk - soaked. The headliner in my car soaked.....which dripped down onto the carpet inside my car interior and it all became: SOAKED. I got the big giant garage fan and pointed it at my trunk. I was still crying.
By the time Steve pulled into the driveway after his long work-day and then his long flight home....he found me standing in the garage, covered in milk and milk-sweat and tears and snot....my eyes swollen and blood-shot, my nose red and bulbous like a bizarre clown....staring at the back of my milk-soaked trunk like the whole world had ended. He took one look at me and said very quietly, "What did you do?"
Which started off the water works again. I had to confess my milky-sin and stupidity and in between sobs, apologize and cry some more. To say that he wasn't happy would be an understatement for the ages....but that poor, old, kind, nosey lady at the grocery store had nothing to worry about. He never even raised his voice. He helped me clean up my mess in the garage from the clean-up attempts (and by this time it was near 11pm) and it was too dark to really see or do anything else..... so I showered to wash off the milk-sweat and tears and we went to bed....where I promptly cried myself to sleep....a fitful and pathetic sleep full of milky bad dreams.
Over the next week....we tried to clean the carpet in the car every way we could. We sprayed carpet cleaner and let it sit and then we scrubbed. We Carpet-Freshed and vacuumed. We baking-soda'ed and vacuumed. But it was October in Florida......and it was HOT. And the milk started to smell. At first, it was just slightly unpleasant......kind of like when a baby spits-up it's milk. But as the heat and sun continued.......the smell became more and more unpleasant. We rented a steam-cleaner. We steam-cleaned the carpets and interior.....twice. Then Steve thought to remove the floor of the trunk......underneath was the spare-tire well..... which was (surprise!) full of milk...which had by then turned and clotted into a soupy curds and whey in the heat. Then he realized that the milk had seeped below THAT......and the BMW has a rear-engine......so the engine compartment was filled with milk. Cottage cheese, really by this time. Chunks of cheesy, foul-smelling debris. Poor Steve took the pieces apart as best he could, washing each smelly part and clearing out the clotted milk chunks. He even soaked the rubber pieces in dish-washing solution to clear the smell. But still, my car smelled like i was hiding a dead body in the trunk. As the days wore on, the smell became worse.
I couldn't even drive my car with the top up. The stench was overwhelming. I tried every air-freshener on the market. I had air-freshening gels, sprays, oils, buckets, pellets, strips, trees......I put dryer-sheets under the seats and sprayed Fabreeze everywhere. Somebody told me to put tupperware dishes full of coffee grounds under the seats. I tried it all. Twice...to no avail. I sprinkled baby powder. I sprinkled carpet fresh again.....I kept a jar of Vicks Salve in the console to put under my nose so that I could drive to work and back (hey...it works on TV for homicide detectives when they have to deal with dead, decomposing bodies- so I thought I'd give it a shot!)
People would compliment me and say, "Nice Car!" and I would nervously laugh, awkwardly and say, "Thanks!" and think......."Oh, if you ONLY knew!!" I wouldn't let anyone ride with me. I wouldn't go through a drive-through at Dunkin-Donuts to get my coffee because I didn't want anyone to smell how HORRIBLE my car was. And then....we had to drive to West Palm Beach for my company Christmas party and we took my car. We did okay.........the smell is only REALLY bad when you first get in....you tend to get used to it as your nose-hairs burn out and all of your senses become numb after a while. We made it to the hotel just fine.....until HORROR OF ALL HORRORS.......it was a ritzy hotel that REQUIRED us to Valet park the car. Handing over the key to the Valet was the single most embarrassing moment I could remember. The look on his face when he opened the door was priceless...he literally, physically backed up 5 feet from revulsion and the shock of the odor when he opened the driver's side door. To this day, I wonder what the poor boy thought caused that horrific smell in our car. Needless to say, we gave him a big tip.
Winter came and went and the smell was lingering....but also mellowing some. The fact that it was a bit cooler was of benefit, no doubt. I bought these Heavy-Duty Odor-Absorbing jars of goo at Home Depot and they really did seem to help better than anything else we had tried. I kept a jar in the trunk and a jar under the driver's seat and we made it to spring. Spring brought the rainy season and as spring gave way to summer.....tropical daily deluges were not uncommon. Then, the car took on a mellow-sour-milk and mildew kind of smell.......so I but 2 jars of deodorizer in the trunk and a jar under each seat....which seemed to really help.
Then.....last week, I had ridden to work with the top down, as I usually do and I got to work and tried to put up the top up. And it wouldn't budge. Not a centimeter. It was stuck. I had to drive back home and put the car in the garage.....because rain was forecasted. I called the dealership who said that their technician would be in on Wednesday....so we took the car down there......not really thinking that the milk would be the problem....I mean....it happened almost a year ago, right???
Well, I got the phone call from the dealership saying that they thought water had gotten into the hydraulic pump of the convertible top......so they were going to have to order a new pump. She said that with all the rain we've been having (record rainfall and flooding) that it wouldn't be uncommon for rain water to get into the system somehow. I breathed a sigh of relief. Rain water was covered by warranty!! I got another call the next day, telling me that it was not WATER in the hydraulic pump system....but something very foul-smelling and very sticky with chunks of stuff in it...which was obviously caused by something being spilled into it....which completely voided the warranty. The cost to fix? A mere $1700 - plus tax. But they did throw in a free car wash and an oil change while they were at it at no extra charge.
So............a measly gallon of milk: $2.79 at the grocery store and 30 seconds of poor judgement.... has cost me more than $2000 in total damages to a brand-new (LEASED!!) car. And we still aren't finished. The headliner in my car is still stained. Despite 2 steam-cleanings and a bunch of other cleaning nonsense that didn't work. If we can't get the stain out....before I turn the car back in, I will likely have to pay to replace that too.
So. It will probably forever be TOO SOON for "got milk" jokes. I haven't had a glass of milk or even a bowl of cereal with milk in it....in almost a year. And I don't foresee me drinking milk in the near future. When I go to the grocery store now, I put my milk (and all other liquids!!) in a giant triple-ply plastic insulated bag and I put it in the front floor board of my car and prop it upright with other groceries. Just in case it decides to "go rogue."
No crying over spilled milk. A bunch of hooey. Indeed.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Saturday, February 28, 2015
The woman in the mirror
Have you ever looked into the mirror and found yourself wondering who on earth is that staring back at you? Who is that old, bitter looking woman in the mirror and how did she get in my house? That's where I find myself this morning. Who the heck have I become and where did the "real" me go?
Granted, it's been a tough last year or so......but the woman I see looking back at me barely resembles the woman in the mirror a year or two ago. This stranger looks scared. She looks tired. She looks worried and anxious and she looks sad. She looks like she has lost something.
What's happened to her? What's missing? What caused this change? Can we reverse the time machine and fix her?
After almost a year in a job that chewed her up and wrung her out, she has finally admitted that it is time to move on. The grass at the new company may not be greener, but at least it's a different pasture. She has never felt so defeated in her career, so incompetent in her work and so mistrusting of her abilities. She isn't afraid of hard work, quite the contrary...she views it as a challenge and usually rises to the occasion and meets the quest with enthusiasm. But this time, she has been knocked down and kicked around and told repeatedly that she is not good enough, not smart enough, not experienced enough, not leader enough, not vision enough, not positive enough, and that she doesn't work hard enough. Despite long hours, despite taking home work every day, despite every attempt to make it work.....it just isn't. And the funny thing is.......in reality, it's not even that woman that's so lacking. But in the end, it's her that is left feeling broken, inept, bitter, exhausted, and used. Her heart needs some time to heal, to regain confidence, to remember who she is and what she stands for.
What does she stand for anyway? She has forgotten along the way. Faith has become wishful thinking; Gratitude and thankfulness has given way to taking things for granted. Heartache, anxiety, and worry have replaced creativity and wonder. Exhaustion has given way to inertia and indifference. And I don't even recognize myself any more.
Things I have worked so hard to achieve mean little to nothing to me. I don't want to go to church any more. I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to go to bed at night. I stare into the distance, not really seeing anything. Life goes on around me, and I just sit like a lump.....wanting so badly to be a part of it, but not having the energy or motivation to even try. My healthy lifestyle that I had worked so hard to achieve is **poof** gone. I have gained back 40 pounds that I had worked so hard to lose. Literally blood, sweat, and tears and now, seemingly all for naught. Exercising makes me physically nauseous....to the point of actually throwing up a time or two. My bones ache. My muscles ache. My eyeballs even hurt. My head aches and my heart pounds. Exhaustion weighs me down so heavily that even the thought of exercising moves me to tears. I half-heartedly force myself to climb up on the elliptical machine three to four times a week and actually have to MAKE myself move my body. I know better.....I know that simple physics tells me that the more I move, the more I will be likely to move.....and the better I will feel. But somewhere along the way, the promised exercise endorphins have lied to me and didn't show up for the party and now I don't trust them to show up at all. So I'm a lump. And I just want to curl up on the couch and not move. And not think. And not.....be. Can a person just be in a state of suspended animation for a while and then maybe wake up feeling refreshed and renewed? Because that's what I need.
Church isn't my refuge any more. We don't even have a regular church now. We have drifted from church to church, looking for the right "fit" but we haven't found it yet. And it is so disheartening to keep going week after week. The last church we visited seemed promising until we read their "what we believe" paragraph and realized that we could never be on-board with what they endorse. The church before told us that we were too old to serve in their worship ministries because we are over their "target demographic".......and here I thought that the church's target demographic should simply be sinners in need of a Savior? Silly me. The target audience was only sinners under the age of 30 for this specific church. And it made me feel unwanted and unneeded and reinforced my already lethargic, sad and pitiful view of myself. We visited other churches where we were the youngest folks in the room....and that isn't what my soul needs. I long for fellow-ship with other believers....I long for friendships and prayer partners and someone to challenge and study with me, to call me out when I'm wrong and to pray me though my failings and to call me when they need prayer as well. I really miss that basic frame-work of the local church in my life. I feel adrift in my faith and it has even caused me to wonder if I need to compromise my own beliefs to find a place to fit.....but in my heart, I know that's not really the answer.
I used to be a Mommy......which was a noble purpose and a high calling. It was my primary identify and a role I took very seriously. But my kids grew up, became adults, and moved away. I have no one to mother any more. My opinions are now intrusive and my advice is now unwanted. I stand by and watch my beautiful adult children make poor choices and deal with painful consequences and there is NOTHING I can do about it. We talk maybe every week....sometimes every other week or so....and the separation is physically painful. Two rather large chunks of my heart have been ripped from my body....and they are walking around out in the world, very separate from me. I have phantom pains...I miss them like I would miss an amputated arm or leg. I look at old pictures and remember the happy times....and the not so happy times. I remember how never-ending ever-endless problem seemed, but yet in retrospect.....how quickly the years flew by!!! Now, I'm no longer a Mommy......I'm still a mother.....but only in the sense that I gave birth to them and raised them and set them free....but I'm not their Mommy any more. They are much too old to need a Mommy now. And that makes me feel sad, purposeless, and lonely.
My husband is the bedrock of my life....my safe-place; my home is in his arms. He loves me - despite knowing me better than anyone else in the world. And that fact amazes me. He knows the good, the bad, the ugly (and there is a LOT of ugly these days) and he still loves me. He still holds me tight, he still kisses me, he still tells me he loves me, and he shows me in a thousand ways every day. He surprises me with trips, with presents, with special events, with laughter, and with thoughtfulness. My biggest fear is that he will think I am taking him for granted. I love him with all of my being and don't want to disappoint him......and the woman looking back at me in the mirror fairly reeks of disappointment. I don't want him to see her....I want him to see the real ME....but I seem to have lost her again.
I'm searching.....making some changes..........this week, I am leaving a job that crushed my spirit, I am searching for a church, I am reaching out to my adult children......and I am loving my husband. Along the way, my biggest wish, my greatest hope....is that I begin to recognize the woman in the mirror again. That I can find my way back to who I think I should be.
Granted, it's been a tough last year or so......but the woman I see looking back at me barely resembles the woman in the mirror a year or two ago. This stranger looks scared. She looks tired. She looks worried and anxious and she looks sad. She looks like she has lost something.
What's happened to her? What's missing? What caused this change? Can we reverse the time machine and fix her?
After almost a year in a job that chewed her up and wrung her out, she has finally admitted that it is time to move on. The grass at the new company may not be greener, but at least it's a different pasture. She has never felt so defeated in her career, so incompetent in her work and so mistrusting of her abilities. She isn't afraid of hard work, quite the contrary...she views it as a challenge and usually rises to the occasion and meets the quest with enthusiasm. But this time, she has been knocked down and kicked around and told repeatedly that she is not good enough, not smart enough, not experienced enough, not leader enough, not vision enough, not positive enough, and that she doesn't work hard enough. Despite long hours, despite taking home work every day, despite every attempt to make it work.....it just isn't. And the funny thing is.......in reality, it's not even that woman that's so lacking. But in the end, it's her that is left feeling broken, inept, bitter, exhausted, and used. Her heart needs some time to heal, to regain confidence, to remember who she is and what she stands for.
What does she stand for anyway? She has forgotten along the way. Faith has become wishful thinking; Gratitude and thankfulness has given way to taking things for granted. Heartache, anxiety, and worry have replaced creativity and wonder. Exhaustion has given way to inertia and indifference. And I don't even recognize myself any more.
Things I have worked so hard to achieve mean little to nothing to me. I don't want to go to church any more. I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to go to bed at night. I stare into the distance, not really seeing anything. Life goes on around me, and I just sit like a lump.....wanting so badly to be a part of it, but not having the energy or motivation to even try. My healthy lifestyle that I had worked so hard to achieve is **poof** gone. I have gained back 40 pounds that I had worked so hard to lose. Literally blood, sweat, and tears and now, seemingly all for naught. Exercising makes me physically nauseous....to the point of actually throwing up a time or two. My bones ache. My muscles ache. My eyeballs even hurt. My head aches and my heart pounds. Exhaustion weighs me down so heavily that even the thought of exercising moves me to tears. I half-heartedly force myself to climb up on the elliptical machine three to four times a week and actually have to MAKE myself move my body. I know better.....I know that simple physics tells me that the more I move, the more I will be likely to move.....and the better I will feel. But somewhere along the way, the promised exercise endorphins have lied to me and didn't show up for the party and now I don't trust them to show up at all. So I'm a lump. And I just want to curl up on the couch and not move. And not think. And not.....be. Can a person just be in a state of suspended animation for a while and then maybe wake up feeling refreshed and renewed? Because that's what I need.
Church isn't my refuge any more. We don't even have a regular church now. We have drifted from church to church, looking for the right "fit" but we haven't found it yet. And it is so disheartening to keep going week after week. The last church we visited seemed promising until we read their "what we believe" paragraph and realized that we could never be on-board with what they endorse. The church before told us that we were too old to serve in their worship ministries because we are over their "target demographic".......and here I thought that the church's target demographic should simply be sinners in need of a Savior? Silly me. The target audience was only sinners under the age of 30 for this specific church. And it made me feel unwanted and unneeded and reinforced my already lethargic, sad and pitiful view of myself. We visited other churches where we were the youngest folks in the room....and that isn't what my soul needs. I long for fellow-ship with other believers....I long for friendships and prayer partners and someone to challenge and study with me, to call me out when I'm wrong and to pray me though my failings and to call me when they need prayer as well. I really miss that basic frame-work of the local church in my life. I feel adrift in my faith and it has even caused me to wonder if I need to compromise my own beliefs to find a place to fit.....but in my heart, I know that's not really the answer.
I used to be a Mommy......which was a noble purpose and a high calling. It was my primary identify and a role I took very seriously. But my kids grew up, became adults, and moved away. I have no one to mother any more. My opinions are now intrusive and my advice is now unwanted. I stand by and watch my beautiful adult children make poor choices and deal with painful consequences and there is NOTHING I can do about it. We talk maybe every week....sometimes every other week or so....and the separation is physically painful. Two rather large chunks of my heart have been ripped from my body....and they are walking around out in the world, very separate from me. I have phantom pains...I miss them like I would miss an amputated arm or leg. I look at old pictures and remember the happy times....and the not so happy times. I remember how never-ending ever-endless problem seemed, but yet in retrospect.....how quickly the years flew by!!! Now, I'm no longer a Mommy......I'm still a mother.....but only in the sense that I gave birth to them and raised them and set them free....but I'm not their Mommy any more. They are much too old to need a Mommy now. And that makes me feel sad, purposeless, and lonely.
My husband is the bedrock of my life....my safe-place; my home is in his arms. He loves me - despite knowing me better than anyone else in the world. And that fact amazes me. He knows the good, the bad, the ugly (and there is a LOT of ugly these days) and he still loves me. He still holds me tight, he still kisses me, he still tells me he loves me, and he shows me in a thousand ways every day. He surprises me with trips, with presents, with special events, with laughter, and with thoughtfulness. My biggest fear is that he will think I am taking him for granted. I love him with all of my being and don't want to disappoint him......and the woman looking back at me in the mirror fairly reeks of disappointment. I don't want him to see her....I want him to see the real ME....but I seem to have lost her again.
I'm searching.....making some changes..........this week, I am leaving a job that crushed my spirit, I am searching for a church, I am reaching out to my adult children......and I am loving my husband. Along the way, my biggest wish, my greatest hope....is that I begin to recognize the woman in the mirror again. That I can find my way back to who I think I should be.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Counting Blessings again.......
Nothing deep or philosophical today. I just feel the need (from time to time) to list out little blessings, things that make me happy, things that make me smile. It's good for me to recognize the little things as gifts and remember how rich my life really is.
Little things that make me happy:
Little things that make me happy:
- the fresh scent of clean sheets on laundry day
- the sound of children laughing as they play outside
- sweet hugs between friends where cheeks and hearts touch
- cupcakes with pink icing and sprinkles
- soft, fluffy pillows
- little girls with braids
- soft green moss on grey rocks
- pretty paper umbrellas and fruit in drinks
- cuckoo clocks
- little girls in white lace socks and black patent leather shoes
- banana popsicles on a hot summer day
- the comfort of yoga pants
- John-Boy Walton-style old manual typewriters
- The smell of warm, buttery popcorn
- Turning out a perfectly baked skillet of golden brown cornbread
- gingham and calico fabrics
- Hearing the words, "Hi Mommy!" when I answer my phone
- roadside fruit stands and curb markets
- antique shops
- the act of grating fresh nutmeg. I love the feel of it, the sound of it. the smell of it and the taste of it!
- waking up before the alarm goes off in the morning and feeling rested
- the crunchy baked-on ketchup bits on top of meatloaf
- riding a bike with the wind blowing your hair
- the excitement of seeing a pony
- slicing and dicing vegetables.....it's empowering!
- the smell of crayola crayons and a new can of Play-Doh
- eating with chopsticks
- Picnics!
- When you buy something and need to remove the price-sticker...and it all comes off in one big piece without tearing! Best feeling ever!
- slow dancing to old songs
- getting a real hand-written letter in the mail
- looking at old photographs
- fingerwaves and other vintage hairstyles (Buy I draw the line at the bee-hive and the bouffant, however!)
- Ladies gloves and dainty handkerchiefs
- umami
- relaxing with a glass of good quality red wine after a long day
- Sweet potato cakes that my daughter picked out just for me
- writing with a nice, weighted pen
- freshly mown grass
- wood fires- the spicy smell and the crackling sounds and the mesmerizing flames
- nighttime choruses of crickets, peepers, croakers and cicadas
- the perfect weight of a sleeping baby in my arms
- lightening bugs at dusk
- hearing my husband's heartbeat when he holds me close
- sequins, lame', glitter, glitz, and bling
- fluffy, warm pancakes with melting butter and warm maple syrup
- kissing the soft, pink cheek of my daughter
- a soothing bubblebath
- little bottles of shampoo, conditioner and lotion from hotels
- taking off my high-heels at the end of a long-day
- falling asleep when you first hit the bed...no tossing or turning
- getting "likes" on Facebook statuses and pics
- Greek Salads. They are seriously delicious.
- Sweet puppy kisses
- shooting stars and making wishes
- snuggles on the couch
- coming home
- anticipation
- trying new things
- knowing all the words to a song
- whipped cream
- sunshine after a rainy day
- my son's smile and twinkling eyes when he laughs
- riding in the car with the top down, letting the wind blow my thoughts around
- singing out loud
- icecream cones
- foggy mornings
- the way my husband always holds my hand when we pray
- handmade quilts
- breezes blowing curtains at the window
- school supplies
- coloring in coloring books
- old church steeples
- fern fronds
- steam rising from hot pavement after a cooling rain
- old barns
- rocking chairs
- fried bologna sandwiches with yellow mustard
- the smell of cedar
- tacky Hawaiian print shirts
- birdhouses
- trips to the zoo
- pretty pink toenail polish
- lace doilies
- soft puppy bellies
- rosebuds
- seersucker suits
- flipflops
- the smell of Pine-Sol
- hammocks
- daffodils
- Nelly-Olsen curls
- lemon curd on scones with clotted cream
- old dishes
- secret gardens
- clearance sales
- morning sunbeams
- fingernail moons
- feeling sexy
- wind chimes
- new tube of lipstick
- seeing the Big Dipper in the night sky
- sunrise
- dewdrops on spiderwebs
- finding 4-leaf clovers
- sunny yellow dandelions
- finding the perfect gift for someone
- tangy keylime pie
- cowgirl boots
- the first foot prints in fresh snow
- waterbirds that teeter around on ridiculously skinny legs
- the smell of an old book
- the softness of a watercolor painting
- making eye contact with my husband and not even needing words to know what he is thinking
- parasols
- tiaras and crowns
- waterfalls
- long, hot showers
- when dust dances in a beam of sunlight
- dainty teacups
- musicals - why can we all sing and dance together in real life?
- swinging on the playground
- castles
- watching cartoons
- blowing on the fluffy white dandelion fly-away flowers after making a wish
- lipgloss
- good dreams
- fireworks
- fairies
- purple
- doggies dressed up in clothes
- walking barefoot through the grass
- when someone tells me that they saw something that reminded them of me
- wire baskets
- Snoopy and Charlie Brown
- the ocean
- worship
- rainbows
- warm cookies and cold milk
- when a pond or lake is so still and peaceful that it becomes a perfect mirror
- when I can make someone else laugh
- blowing bubble-gum bubbles
- starfish
- old rock walls
- the goofy way people in infomercials can't do basic, common tasks (like peel a boiled egg) correctly
- eclairs
- horse and carriage rides
- cafe au lait
- When people say, "hump daaaaaay" on Wednesdays
- watching my favorite tv series
- Making the perfect recipe
- Having the windows open at my house. Fresh air is wonderful!
- Free samples. Doesn't even matter what of.
- well-written prose
- when someone saves you a seat
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Goals for 2015 - A Work in Progress
2015 GOALS
1. Healing I need to take better care of myself. This includes fueling myself with healthy foods, getting enough water, limiting the toxic junk that I put in and on my body, exercising my heart and lungs and muscles, getting enough sleep and rest, not wallowing in self-pity or allowing myself to play the victim. Now that I'm getting older, my body doesn't bounce back as quickly as it once did....and it's the only body I have (with the possible exception of the invention of better, bionic replacement parts). I need to nurture and care of myself a little more.
2. Travel - My burning desire to see the world has not lessened....if anything, it has intensified! I want to see it all! On the trip-planner for this year so far: Miami, Las Vegas, and Pennsylvania.
3. Mercy - Mercy for those who wrong me, those who irritate me, those who detest me, those who tolerate me. Mercy for myself.....because I am often the worst offender of all of the above. Unmerited Favor. Undeserved Grace....forgiveness when it doesn't make sense. Oh, how I need to both experience and extend more Mercy. Not in an unhealthy- no boundaries- kind of way, but in a loving and kind way. Every single person is fighting a battle; every single person needs to be forgiven, understood, and loved. I want to be a part of that.
4. Horseback Riding - it's been on my list for about 3 years now....a hold-over from my childhood, perhaps.......maybe this is the year?
5. Writing - I receive such a joy and an emotional release from the simple act of writing. I have NO idea why this past year, when I needed joy and release almost more than I needed oxygen to breathe, I avoided writing and I avoided relationships and I avoided almost everything that could bring me the relief I so desperately sought. I want to write more.....it doesn't even have to be deep and revealing. I just want to experience the thrill of writing words on paper and seeing thoughts take shape! Poems, Lists, Menus, letters, memos, notes, journals, blogs, notes of encouragement, cards, texts to tell someone that I love them. I just want to express what's locked up inside me with words!
6. Joy in The Journey - I want to experience joy on a daily basis. No more waiting for the weekend; no more counting the days until vacation or a trip or an event. No more surviving work days to get to the off days. Because the days that I'm just surviving.....just enduring....just getting through....those are the days of my LIFE. These days precious minutes/hours/seconds that will be gone forever. They are not something to be endured, to "get through" or just bear.....this is the only time I will get to share; to experience; to learn; to love. I have wasted so much time waiting for better days.....I have missed so many small joyous moments waiting for the drama of big events. My new goal is to find joy along the way....to look for roses to smell along the path....to slow down in traffic enough to enjoy getting to the place I look forward to going.
7. Mindfulness This goal goes hand-in-hand with finding joy in the journey. I want to really, truly savor things and be mindful of each blessing. I have rushed to get through work, rushed to run errands, rushed to eat, rushed to clean, rushed to do just about every task that I have to do and I miss so much in my hustle-and-bustle hurry! How many, many times have I squandered the simple joys of feeling sunshine on my arms, a cool breeze in my face....I have given up savoring the rich taste of my morning coffee, stopping to breathe deeply to inhale the fresh scent after the rain, and cherishing the exchange of quiet smiles of the ones I love. I need to just S-L-O-W D-O-W-N and really experience things with all of my senses. To be mindful of even the small, seemingly insignificant things and count them as blessings. How much richer my life will be!!!
8. Keeping in Touch - with my family across the globe, with far-flung friends who have moved, with family and friends who stayed put when we keep moving......remembering the good times, remembering the love and laughter we have shared.......and remembering to reach out to those special, precious people to let them know I'm thinking of them. This is something I have neglected, but want to remember to do! This year, I want to be more about interacting, engaging, and connecting and a LOT less about isolating.
9. Banishing Fear - Fear of being alone; Fear of being wrong; Fear of loss; Fear of missing out; Fear of failure; Fear of the dark; Fear of FEAR itself. Fear of just about everything. I am tired of being afraid. Adventures, Risks, and (controlled) Danger.....I am seeking you out this year!
10. Continuing to navigate the mine-field of parenting adult children - Still struggling with how to interact with my kids, now that they aren't kids anymore. They are adults: living adult lives, doing adult things, and making adult decisions. That I often don't agree with, believe in, or endorse. But I still love them with more than my whole heart. And I want to support them and encourage them and still have a relationship with them. And it's hard. And it hurts. But it's worth it.
11. Marriage - My marriage is precious. It is my shelter from the world, a refuge where I am safe and loved - no matter if I'm getting older, uglier, fatter, or crazier. I want to feed and nurture my relationship with my amazing husband. It just seems to get sweeter and sweeter as time goes by. Our love grows deeper, more mature, and has endured more trials. I want to acknowledge him more....show him that I love him unconditionally and without reservation. I want him to experience the sweetness and romance that he bestows on me. His thoughtfulness, his playfulness, his gifts and acts of service and words of love.......I need to be better at expressing all of these things back to him.
1. Healing I need to take better care of myself. This includes fueling myself with healthy foods, getting enough water, limiting the toxic junk that I put in and on my body, exercising my heart and lungs and muscles, getting enough sleep and rest, not wallowing in self-pity or allowing myself to play the victim. Now that I'm getting older, my body doesn't bounce back as quickly as it once did....and it's the only body I have (with the possible exception of the invention of better, bionic replacement parts). I need to nurture and care of myself a little more.
2. Travel - My burning desire to see the world has not lessened....if anything, it has intensified! I want to see it all! On the trip-planner for this year so far: Miami, Las Vegas, and Pennsylvania.
3. Mercy - Mercy for those who wrong me, those who irritate me, those who detest me, those who tolerate me. Mercy for myself.....because I am often the worst offender of all of the above. Unmerited Favor. Undeserved Grace....forgiveness when it doesn't make sense. Oh, how I need to both experience and extend more Mercy. Not in an unhealthy- no boundaries- kind of way, but in a loving and kind way. Every single person is fighting a battle; every single person needs to be forgiven, understood, and loved. I want to be a part of that.
4. Horseback Riding - it's been on my list for about 3 years now....a hold-over from my childhood, perhaps.......maybe this is the year?
5. Writing - I receive such a joy and an emotional release from the simple act of writing. I have NO idea why this past year, when I needed joy and release almost more than I needed oxygen to breathe, I avoided writing and I avoided relationships and I avoided almost everything that could bring me the relief I so desperately sought. I want to write more.....it doesn't even have to be deep and revealing. I just want to experience the thrill of writing words on paper and seeing thoughts take shape! Poems, Lists, Menus, letters, memos, notes, journals, blogs, notes of encouragement, cards, texts to tell someone that I love them. I just want to express what's locked up inside me with words!
6. Joy in The Journey - I want to experience joy on a daily basis. No more waiting for the weekend; no more counting the days until vacation or a trip or an event. No more surviving work days to get to the off days. Because the days that I'm just surviving.....just enduring....just getting through....those are the days of my LIFE. These days precious minutes/hours/seconds that will be gone forever. They are not something to be endured, to "get through" or just bear.....this is the only time I will get to share; to experience; to learn; to love. I have wasted so much time waiting for better days.....I have missed so many small joyous moments waiting for the drama of big events. My new goal is to find joy along the way....to look for roses to smell along the path....to slow down in traffic enough to enjoy getting to the place I look forward to going.
7. Mindfulness This goal goes hand-in-hand with finding joy in the journey. I want to really, truly savor things and be mindful of each blessing. I have rushed to get through work, rushed to run errands, rushed to eat, rushed to clean, rushed to do just about every task that I have to do and I miss so much in my hustle-and-bustle hurry! How many, many times have I squandered the simple joys of feeling sunshine on my arms, a cool breeze in my face....I have given up savoring the rich taste of my morning coffee, stopping to breathe deeply to inhale the fresh scent after the rain, and cherishing the exchange of quiet smiles of the ones I love. I need to just S-L-O-W D-O-W-N and really experience things with all of my senses. To be mindful of even the small, seemingly insignificant things and count them as blessings. How much richer my life will be!!!
8. Keeping in Touch - with my family across the globe, with far-flung friends who have moved, with family and friends who stayed put when we keep moving......remembering the good times, remembering the love and laughter we have shared.......and remembering to reach out to those special, precious people to let them know I'm thinking of them. This is something I have neglected, but want to remember to do! This year, I want to be more about interacting, engaging, and connecting and a LOT less about isolating.
9. Banishing Fear - Fear of being alone; Fear of being wrong; Fear of loss; Fear of missing out; Fear of failure; Fear of the dark; Fear of FEAR itself. Fear of just about everything. I am tired of being afraid. Adventures, Risks, and (controlled) Danger.....I am seeking you out this year!
10. Continuing to navigate the mine-field of parenting adult children - Still struggling with how to interact with my kids, now that they aren't kids anymore. They are adults: living adult lives, doing adult things, and making adult decisions. That I often don't agree with, believe in, or endorse. But I still love them with more than my whole heart. And I want to support them and encourage them and still have a relationship with them. And it's hard. And it hurts. But it's worth it.
11. Marriage - My marriage is precious. It is my shelter from the world, a refuge where I am safe and loved - no matter if I'm getting older, uglier, fatter, or crazier. I want to feed and nurture my relationship with my amazing husband. It just seems to get sweeter and sweeter as time goes by. Our love grows deeper, more mature, and has endured more trials. I want to acknowledge him more....show him that I love him unconditionally and without reservation. I want him to experience the sweetness and romance that he bestows on me. His thoughtfulness, his playfulness, his gifts and acts of service and words of love.......I need to be better at expressing all of these things back to him.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
A Measuring of Goals
At the end of every year, I like to go back to the year prior and look at my goals and try to measure how I did. Some of the things that seemed so pressing and important back then seem trite and trivial now, in light of the changes 2014 brought to our lives. I’m definitely not the same person who wrote the goals last year….for better or for worse, I’ve changed. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, all of life is about changing. Morphing, growing, evolving. Let’s take a look back before we look forward to planning the next year.
1. Organization - I need it at home, at work, in my car, my closets, my pantry, my attic........I need to start with something as simple as getting my Tupperware organized in my kitchen cabinets! The empty containers with missing lids are taking over my kitchen! My pantry, my craft-room, my back porch, my closet, my storage room, my attic.......my entire life sort of looks like Granny Clampet and Fred Sanford got together and threw a yard-sale. I need to devote some quality time to figuring out how to get things and KEEP things organized! After moving into our new home here in Florida, I have actually become SLIGHTLY more organized. I have purged, thrown away, donated, and recycled MUCH. I still need some work in the organizational department, but 2015 will find me better off than the dawning of 2014 in this area.
2. Fairy Garden - THIS is the year that I actually DO it! I've been planning it for years! I have purchased odds and ends here and there and I know that I want a wine barrel to plant it all in! I just have to find/purchase that container and I'm ready to go come spring! I DID IT!!! I FINALLY DID IT!! I have a beautiful large lemon tree as the centerpiece of my Fairy Garden and it is in a whiskey barrel, just like I have always wanted! It holds a place of honor on my lanai!
3. Menus and planning with healthier fare - I usually make menus and grocery lists, but not in any sort of logical sequence or plan.....I want to have a more balanced approach to my meals - especially when Steve is traveling and I'm home alone. I tend to default to a can of soup or whatever is in the pantry on those lonely nights.....and I need to plan better for these times. I started off stronger than I finished up. I still do the majority of cooking at home (we eat in restaurants usually only on the weekends), but with the stress of the move, followed by the stress of Steve’s health problems/hospitalizations/procedures this year, plus the stress of my job…..well, I haven’t been as diligent in planning healthy meals....I've relied on pre-packaged junk like hotdogs and convivenence foods instead of cooking mostly from scratch with whole foods that equals healthier ingredients. I plan to focus more strongly on this in the year to come!
4. Craftiness - I have the dedicated craft room, I have tons of bottles, wads, stacks, stashes of crafting supplies, and I occasionally will go in there and browse through the stuff....taking stock of what I have and trying to envision finished hand-crafted goods. I need to come up with actual projects and put some of these stockpiles of papers, yarn, paint, etc....to good use! I did a few projects this year….not many, but a few. Hopefully our lives will settle down into a more predictable pattern and I can do more than come home from work, cook dinner, and crash on the couch to browse Facebook and Pinterest. I haven’t felt creative at all in a good while……I need to find that spark again.
5. Generosity - I need to be more generous. I need to stop worrying, "What's in it for me?" and think more along the lines of, "How can I help someone else?" I need to be more generous with my $$, my time, my love, my worldly goods, tipping, encouraging.........I just feel the need to give more. I have been fairly generous…..but could definitely be more encouraging and giving of my self and my time. I tend to want to keep my time and hoard it up to spend at home, alone with my husband and puppy dog.
6. Mercy - I tend to judge harshly. Even if I never share the thoughts I have with others, they still color the way I react to things, the way I interact with others and the way I think and act. I have been forgiven SO MUCH....I pray for a way to find it within myself to forgive others. Mercy and Grace when dealing with my own weaknesses would be nice as well. I judge myself most harshly of all....and sometimes, it's not always fair. Hooo-boy. I’ve really missed the mark here. This will have to be on the “carry-over” list for next year. I have been in a deep depression for several months and that tends to bleed over into every aspect of my life and make everything misery-tinged and critical instead of mercy-tinged and grateful.
7. Water - I don't drink near enough water. I usually down about 2 cups in the morning time when I exercise, and then it's an afterthought the rest of the day. I need to drink less coffee, tea, and juice and reach for more water. I will strive for at least 6 cups per day. That should be attainable.......and the days when I have more = BONUS! Another missed opportunity. Does the water in my coffee count? Well, not so much. Another item for the “carry-over” list.
8. Amusement Park - I didn't have a chance to go last year, but I really want to face down and conquer some of my fears concerning roller-coasters and other rides. I'm tired of living my life in a state of being scared of things that probably won't hurt me. It's time to move out of my comfort zone and into the LIVING LIFE to the FULLEST zone! DID IT!! Went to Busch Gardens and I even rode a roller-coaster!! Whoop-Whoop!!
9. One thing a month that scares me - along the lines as #8, I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to try at least one thing a month that scares me! Whether that is a physical feat (such as river tubing in the rain forest!) or a mental feat (such as overcoming my fear of being seen in public in a swimsuit).....I want to do at least one thing that is outside my usual scope of practice! I want to push the envelope! I want to surpass my own expectations! I want to do things I never thought or dreamed I could do!! I want to have a life of NO REGRETS this year!
10. Blessings - I have had so many, many blessings in my life!! I so often tend to focus on the things I feel I have missed out on, the things I don't have or never had, the things I want but never got....the negative. My glass is not only often half empty, it's also cracked and leaking. I want to be more positive! I want to focus on the blessings and practice an attitude of gratitude and thankfulness. I take so much for granted. I need to be more mindful!!! This is an ongoing struggle…..I am very thankful for my blessings….but still tend to dwell more on my disappointments than on the overwhelming goodness in my life. Another carry-over!
11. Travel - I still want to see the whole world!! I want to see it and experience it, taste it, smell it, and LIVE it! This year, we are planning a trip to New York City in April! It's been a life-long dream to see the Big Apple! In August, we are planning to fly out to Seattle for a week to meet up with Alyssa and we are taking Jaron. I am looking forward to my family being whole again and enjoying our time together and I am looking forward to exploring another corner of the world that I haven't seen before! We plan on visiting Washington and Oregon and possibly even Vancouver, Canada!! I'd like to also fit in a few spontaneous weekend trips here and there along the way. I did get to visit New York City and (unknown to me when I wrote my goals last year….) we moved to a new area of Florida and have had the pleasure of exploring and discovering new places here! I visited Seattle, Washington with Steve and the kids met up with us…which was an AMAZING week in a state I’d never visited before!! Steve surprised me with a weekend-get-away trip to Myrtle Beach to experience Medieval Knights and we had the ultimate get-away when we up and moved to a new state. We did spend a night in West Palm Beach this past month…..and we spent a work-filled week moving from Nashville to Florida….so, does that count? Haha! We met our travel goals for 2014!
12. Writing - I haven't written nearly as much as I had hoped this past year. I had such great intentions and such poor follow-through! I spent way more time on Facebook and Pinterest than I did trying to capture my own thoughts and ideas and transform them into written word. I want to make sure I take more time for writing this year. It's such a balm to my soul and it's very healing to pour my heart out and explore my psyche in this manner. And it's so much cheaper than therapy and so less risky than swallowing antidepressant pills! I have alluded to the fact that I have had a dry spell of creativity and have been dealing with a yawning pit of depression for several months now. I have been having trouble getting myself out of bed and going to work every day…..and by the time I get home and cook dinner….I’ve had nothing else left to give. No writing, no crafting, no motivation, no drive. Pretty much, just existing...barely surviving…and sometimes, only barely at that. My sleep has been affected, my attitude has been affected; I cry a lot. I don't respond to emails, there were days when I didn't even wish precious friends Happy Birthday on Facebook like a normal person. I just sat and stared into the abyss...frozen by indifference, heartbreak, and darkness. I’m starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel and I have actually written a couple of things in the last week or so……so my writing goal will
definitely be a carry-over.
13. Classes/learning - I started a wine appreciate class, a writing class, and a photography class online, but I didn't finish any of them. My goal for this year is to complete the classes I have started and possibly take a few more.....just for the sake of general knowledge and for growing my interest in other areas and making me a more well-rounded and fulfilled person. I didn’t finish the 3 classes….and I didn’t begin any other classes. I wanted to do some more painting classes……I started a women's Bible Study in the fall, but dropped out after only 4 weeks.......I haven’t been doing much of anything lately. I really need that spark again...that motivation to do more than survive one day at a time.
14. Horseback riding - I want to go horseback riding. It was on my list last year, but I never actually made it....so it is a carry-over item. Steve isn't interested in going.....so I either need to just get over my fear of doing things alone and just buy a Groupon adventure and go, or I can find someone else who wants to join me for the adventure and just go. Either way, I just need to do it. I haven’t gone horseback riding yet. We moved really near the equestrian center of Pinellas Park, so I could go down there and just inquire and DO it. I have gained some of my weight back….so it really wouldn’t be fair to the horse right now…..maybe later in the spring or early summer.
15. House Cleaning - most of the time, my house isn't nasty or filthy......it's just cluttered. I don't enjoy cleaning my bathrooms or scrubbing toilets or the bathtub or sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, or any other myriad of chores that need to be done on a regular basis. I need to come up with a systematic approach that doesn't leave me miserable and exhausted in a mad-dash to hide the mess and clean up every time we have friends over. It’s better in our new house. It’s not always spic-and-span…..but it’s not bad either. This one is mostly met.
16. Friends/Entertaining - And I do want to have friends over. LOTS of friends! I want my home to be welcoming and open to friends and family. I'd love to meet/make new friends as well as keep in touch with the old ones. The song my daughter used to sing in Brownies comes to mind, "Make new friends, but keep the old.....one is silver and the other gold!" :) One can never have too many friends! Moving to another state made this one harder, and yet also made it more necessary. We joined a Sunday School class and keep trying to go to the social events to find a fit. We had Steve's co-workers over a couple of months ago and We are having folks over from my work tomorrow night…..so I’m working on it!
17. Adventures - I don't want to EVER pass up the chance for an adventure! I want to try new things, experience everything there is to experience! Life life to the fullest, drink life to the lees! Live a little! So very much of my life was spent inside a box of my own fear and self-doubt.....I want OUTTA that
box and I want to make the most of the rest of my life! Adventures, trips, outings, new foods, new people, new situations......Bring 'em on!!! New state, new job, new friends, new church, new house, new adventures! I think I met this one this year.
18. Positivism - this one is a BIGGIE. I may should have listed it first. I complain and whine WAAAYYY too much. I get on my OWN nerves with my endless pity-parties and wallowing. I have a predisposition for depression. I have struggled valiantly (and sometimes not so valiantly) with the deep dark pit of despair and gloom since I was a small child. I have to actively focus on the positive. I have to dwell on the blessings. I have to physically and literally put my hand over my mouth some days to keep from boring everybody around me with my misery. This year, I am going to make that conscious effort to shut down the whine-machine before my friends and loved ones get that glazed-over, "not listening to this again" look on their faces. I want my glass to be half full for a change. I want to be PollyAnna and emit glittering rays of sunshine from my face. Or at least not complain. It will probably be baby-steps. I just wanted to dream big. :) Still need some work. Who am I kidding? I still need a major over-haul. Pick myself up, dust myself off and try for another year of emitting glitter and sunshine. I'm afraid it was more like toxic waste and acid rain than glitter and sunshine for me this year. That's a big part of my emotional problems....and I need to just get over it.
19. My Spirituality - This one is between me and God....it is so deeply personal, I can't really put it into words. I have some work to do here.....and I don't really feel comfortable sharing most of the details, but essentially.....I'm not where I was.....I'm not where I should be.....and I'm not yet where I'm going. In other words.....it's a journey and most of it is uphill and I need prayers for the faith I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other in this area. I'm wrestling with some BIG spiritual issues and I know that the only peace I will find in these areas will come from trusting that God has everything in His hands. Still wrestling. Still on the journey. Still traveling up-hill in cement boots while dragging a Buick behind me. Lord, I believe......HELP my UNBELIEF!!!
20. My Children/my Adult Parenting Role - another touchy area.....another topic where about the only thing I can do is just pray for understanding and some sort of peaceful acceptance. It's been a tough year for this Mommy of two headstrong adult children......a lot of turbulent flood waters (mingled with tears) under the bridge of 2013. It's hard to watch the ones you love the most make decisions that break your heart. I have to keep reminding myself that my job is to love them the best I can and to constantly lift them up in prayer. In some ways, it’s gotten better…..in some ways, it got worse – and I mean so bad it was off the track and derailed. Honestly, I don’t even know how to measure progress in this area. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, I suppose. Some progress, but still a lot of heartbreak.
Now, in addition to the set goals I had, there are a few unplanned accomplishments/personal victories that I experienced in 2014 that I need to celebrate:
1. I rode a giant rollercoaster (and only cried a little bit).
2. I ate raw oysters. I ate crab claws. I ate crab cakes. I ate shrimp. I ate lobster. I ate fish.....all kinds - even sushi! And I liked it!
3. I cooked lobsters at home! (and they were delicious!)
4. I got dressed up in fancy clothes, high-heeled shoes, lots of make-up, (and for heaven's sakes - I even wore body-glitter!!) and went to a cocktail party and dinner and even went dancing!
5. I danced in a conga line.....a conga line led by the fabulous Ms. Gloria Estefan, no less!! I couldn't even make that up if I tried!!!
6. If you know me well, you know how I DEPLORE being alone and doing things alone....however, I explored my new cities on my own. driving myself around in a strange place and exploring....eating in cafes, walking along docks, sipping iced coffee on a park bench, ducking into quaint little shops and taking tons of pictures! I even visited botanical gardens and had a solo-sushi-picnic by the water! I even visited a winery alone and had a chocolate-wine paring.....dateless! It was scary, but I was BOLD!
7. I found an amazing Italian Market to frequent and I had gelato and cannoli! TWICE!
8. I had Starbucks at the original Starbucks at Pikes Market.
9. I took the following modes of transportation this year: car, truck, bus, ferry, train, shuttle, tram, plane, subway, bicycle, motorcycle, golf cart, rollercoaster, carousel, moving sidewalk, rental car, boat. taxi-cab, I guess you could say it's been a moving year!
10. I visited a Chinatown in two major cities.
11. I finally saw a play on Broadway and marveled at the lights in Times Square.
12. I ate a hotdog from a street-vendor.
13. I stopped in a busy Manhattan bar for drinks one evening.
14. I have watched the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico and over Puget Sound and I have watched the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean.
15. I have had a total reset of what my priorities are this year.....a reminder that the most important things aren't really even things....and not to take those most important things for granted or lightly. Our lives are but a vapor and I have learned to cherish the precious blessings I've been given.
1. Organization - I need it at home, at work, in my car, my closets, my pantry, my attic........I need to start with something as simple as getting my Tupperware organized in my kitchen cabinets! The empty containers with missing lids are taking over my kitchen! My pantry, my craft-room, my back porch, my closet, my storage room, my attic.......my entire life sort of looks like Granny Clampet and Fred Sanford got together and threw a yard-sale. I need to devote some quality time to figuring out how to get things and KEEP things organized! After moving into our new home here in Florida, I have actually become SLIGHTLY more organized. I have purged, thrown away, donated, and recycled MUCH. I still need some work in the organizational department, but 2015 will find me better off than the dawning of 2014 in this area.
2. Fairy Garden - THIS is the year that I actually DO it! I've been planning it for years! I have purchased odds and ends here and there and I know that I want a wine barrel to plant it all in! I just have to find/purchase that container and I'm ready to go come spring! I DID IT!!! I FINALLY DID IT!! I have a beautiful large lemon tree as the centerpiece of my Fairy Garden and it is in a whiskey barrel, just like I have always wanted! It holds a place of honor on my lanai!
3. Menus and planning with healthier fare - I usually make menus and grocery lists, but not in any sort of logical sequence or plan.....I want to have a more balanced approach to my meals - especially when Steve is traveling and I'm home alone. I tend to default to a can of soup or whatever is in the pantry on those lonely nights.....and I need to plan better for these times. I started off stronger than I finished up. I still do the majority of cooking at home (we eat in restaurants usually only on the weekends), but with the stress of the move, followed by the stress of Steve’s health problems/hospitalizations/procedures this year, plus the stress of my job…..well, I haven’t been as diligent in planning healthy meals....I've relied on pre-packaged junk like hotdogs and convivenence foods instead of cooking mostly from scratch with whole foods that equals healthier ingredients. I plan to focus more strongly on this in the year to come!
4. Craftiness - I have the dedicated craft room, I have tons of bottles, wads, stacks, stashes of crafting supplies, and I occasionally will go in there and browse through the stuff....taking stock of what I have and trying to envision finished hand-crafted goods. I need to come up with actual projects and put some of these stockpiles of papers, yarn, paint, etc....to good use! I did a few projects this year….not many, but a few. Hopefully our lives will settle down into a more predictable pattern and I can do more than come home from work, cook dinner, and crash on the couch to browse Facebook and Pinterest. I haven’t felt creative at all in a good while……I need to find that spark again.
5. Generosity - I need to be more generous. I need to stop worrying, "What's in it for me?" and think more along the lines of, "How can I help someone else?" I need to be more generous with my $$, my time, my love, my worldly goods, tipping, encouraging.........I just feel the need to give more. I have been fairly generous…..but could definitely be more encouraging and giving of my self and my time. I tend to want to keep my time and hoard it up to spend at home, alone with my husband and puppy dog.
6. Mercy - I tend to judge harshly. Even if I never share the thoughts I have with others, they still color the way I react to things, the way I interact with others and the way I think and act. I have been forgiven SO MUCH....I pray for a way to find it within myself to forgive others. Mercy and Grace when dealing with my own weaknesses would be nice as well. I judge myself most harshly of all....and sometimes, it's not always fair. Hooo-boy. I’ve really missed the mark here. This will have to be on the “carry-over” list for next year. I have been in a deep depression for several months and that tends to bleed over into every aspect of my life and make everything misery-tinged and critical instead of mercy-tinged and grateful.
7. Water - I don't drink near enough water. I usually down about 2 cups in the morning time when I exercise, and then it's an afterthought the rest of the day. I need to drink less coffee, tea, and juice and reach for more water. I will strive for at least 6 cups per day. That should be attainable.......and the days when I have more = BONUS! Another missed opportunity. Does the water in my coffee count? Well, not so much. Another item for the “carry-over” list.
8. Amusement Park - I didn't have a chance to go last year, but I really want to face down and conquer some of my fears concerning roller-coasters and other rides. I'm tired of living my life in a state of being scared of things that probably won't hurt me. It's time to move out of my comfort zone and into the LIVING LIFE to the FULLEST zone! DID IT!! Went to Busch Gardens and I even rode a roller-coaster!! Whoop-Whoop!!
9. One thing a month that scares me - along the lines as #8, I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to try at least one thing a month that scares me! Whether that is a physical feat (such as river tubing in the rain forest!) or a mental feat (such as overcoming my fear of being seen in public in a swimsuit).....I want to do at least one thing that is outside my usual scope of practice! I want to push the envelope! I want to surpass my own expectations! I want to do things I never thought or dreamed I could do!! I want to have a life of NO REGRETS this year!
10. Blessings - I have had so many, many blessings in my life!! I so often tend to focus on the things I feel I have missed out on, the things I don't have or never had, the things I want but never got....the negative. My glass is not only often half empty, it's also cracked and leaking. I want to be more positive! I want to focus on the blessings and practice an attitude of gratitude and thankfulness. I take so much for granted. I need to be more mindful!!! This is an ongoing struggle…..I am very thankful for my blessings….but still tend to dwell more on my disappointments than on the overwhelming goodness in my life. Another carry-over!
11. Travel - I still want to see the whole world!! I want to see it and experience it, taste it, smell it, and LIVE it! This year, we are planning a trip to New York City in April! It's been a life-long dream to see the Big Apple! In August, we are planning to fly out to Seattle for a week to meet up with Alyssa and we are taking Jaron. I am looking forward to my family being whole again and enjoying our time together and I am looking forward to exploring another corner of the world that I haven't seen before! We plan on visiting Washington and Oregon and possibly even Vancouver, Canada!! I'd like to also fit in a few spontaneous weekend trips here and there along the way. I did get to visit New York City and (unknown to me when I wrote my goals last year….) we moved to a new area of Florida and have had the pleasure of exploring and discovering new places here! I visited Seattle, Washington with Steve and the kids met up with us…which was an AMAZING week in a state I’d never visited before!! Steve surprised me with a weekend-get-away trip to Myrtle Beach to experience Medieval Knights and we had the ultimate get-away when we up and moved to a new state. We did spend a night in West Palm Beach this past month…..and we spent a work-filled week moving from Nashville to Florida….so, does that count? Haha! We met our travel goals for 2014!
12. Writing - I haven't written nearly as much as I had hoped this past year. I had such great intentions and such poor follow-through! I spent way more time on Facebook and Pinterest than I did trying to capture my own thoughts and ideas and transform them into written word. I want to make sure I take more time for writing this year. It's such a balm to my soul and it's very healing to pour my heart out and explore my psyche in this manner. And it's so much cheaper than therapy and so less risky than swallowing antidepressant pills! I have alluded to the fact that I have had a dry spell of creativity and have been dealing with a yawning pit of depression for several months now. I have been having trouble getting myself out of bed and going to work every day…..and by the time I get home and cook dinner….I’ve had nothing else left to give. No writing, no crafting, no motivation, no drive. Pretty much, just existing...barely surviving…and sometimes, only barely at that. My sleep has been affected, my attitude has been affected; I cry a lot. I don't respond to emails, there were days when I didn't even wish precious friends Happy Birthday on Facebook like a normal person. I just sat and stared into the abyss...frozen by indifference, heartbreak, and darkness. I’m starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel and I have actually written a couple of things in the last week or so……so my writing goal will
definitely be a carry-over.
13. Classes/learning - I started a wine appreciate class, a writing class, and a photography class online, but I didn't finish any of them. My goal for this year is to complete the classes I have started and possibly take a few more.....just for the sake of general knowledge and for growing my interest in other areas and making me a more well-rounded and fulfilled person. I didn’t finish the 3 classes….and I didn’t begin any other classes. I wanted to do some more painting classes……I started a women's Bible Study in the fall, but dropped out after only 4 weeks.......I haven’t been doing much of anything lately. I really need that spark again...that motivation to do more than survive one day at a time.
14. Horseback riding - I want to go horseback riding. It was on my list last year, but I never actually made it....so it is a carry-over item. Steve isn't interested in going.....so I either need to just get over my fear of doing things alone and just buy a Groupon adventure and go, or I can find someone else who wants to join me for the adventure and just go. Either way, I just need to do it. I haven’t gone horseback riding yet. We moved really near the equestrian center of Pinellas Park, so I could go down there and just inquire and DO it. I have gained some of my weight back….so it really wouldn’t be fair to the horse right now…..maybe later in the spring or early summer.
15. House Cleaning - most of the time, my house isn't nasty or filthy......it's just cluttered. I don't enjoy cleaning my bathrooms or scrubbing toilets or the bathtub or sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, or any other myriad of chores that need to be done on a regular basis. I need to come up with a systematic approach that doesn't leave me miserable and exhausted in a mad-dash to hide the mess and clean up every time we have friends over. It’s better in our new house. It’s not always spic-and-span…..but it’s not bad either. This one is mostly met.
16. Friends/Entertaining - And I do want to have friends over. LOTS of friends! I want my home to be welcoming and open to friends and family. I'd love to meet/make new friends as well as keep in touch with the old ones. The song my daughter used to sing in Brownies comes to mind, "Make new friends, but keep the old.....one is silver and the other gold!" :) One can never have too many friends! Moving to another state made this one harder, and yet also made it more necessary. We joined a Sunday School class and keep trying to go to the social events to find a fit. We had Steve's co-workers over a couple of months ago and We are having folks over from my work tomorrow night…..so I’m working on it!
17. Adventures - I don't want to EVER pass up the chance for an adventure! I want to try new things, experience everything there is to experience! Life life to the fullest, drink life to the lees! Live a little! So very much of my life was spent inside a box of my own fear and self-doubt.....I want OUTTA that
box and I want to make the most of the rest of my life! Adventures, trips, outings, new foods, new people, new situations......Bring 'em on!!! New state, new job, new friends, new church, new house, new adventures! I think I met this one this year.
18. Positivism - this one is a BIGGIE. I may should have listed it first. I complain and whine WAAAYYY too much. I get on my OWN nerves with my endless pity-parties and wallowing. I have a predisposition for depression. I have struggled valiantly (and sometimes not so valiantly) with the deep dark pit of despair and gloom since I was a small child. I have to actively focus on the positive. I have to dwell on the blessings. I have to physically and literally put my hand over my mouth some days to keep from boring everybody around me with my misery. This year, I am going to make that conscious effort to shut down the whine-machine before my friends and loved ones get that glazed-over, "not listening to this again" look on their faces. I want my glass to be half full for a change. I want to be PollyAnna and emit glittering rays of sunshine from my face. Or at least not complain. It will probably be baby-steps. I just wanted to dream big. :) Still need some work. Who am I kidding? I still need a major over-haul. Pick myself up, dust myself off and try for another year of emitting glitter and sunshine. I'm afraid it was more like toxic waste and acid rain than glitter and sunshine for me this year. That's a big part of my emotional problems....and I need to just get over it.
19. My Spirituality - This one is between me and God....it is so deeply personal, I can't really put it into words. I have some work to do here.....and I don't really feel comfortable sharing most of the details, but essentially.....I'm not where I was.....I'm not where I should be.....and I'm not yet where I'm going. In other words.....it's a journey and most of it is uphill and I need prayers for the faith I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other in this area. I'm wrestling with some BIG spiritual issues and I know that the only peace I will find in these areas will come from trusting that God has everything in His hands. Still wrestling. Still on the journey. Still traveling up-hill in cement boots while dragging a Buick behind me. Lord, I believe......HELP my UNBELIEF!!!
20. My Children/my Adult Parenting Role - another touchy area.....another topic where about the only thing I can do is just pray for understanding and some sort of peaceful acceptance. It's been a tough year for this Mommy of two headstrong adult children......a lot of turbulent flood waters (mingled with tears) under the bridge of 2013. It's hard to watch the ones you love the most make decisions that break your heart. I have to keep reminding myself that my job is to love them the best I can and to constantly lift them up in prayer. In some ways, it’s gotten better…..in some ways, it got worse – and I mean so bad it was off the track and derailed. Honestly, I don’t even know how to measure progress in this area. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, I suppose. Some progress, but still a lot of heartbreak.
Now, in addition to the set goals I had, there are a few unplanned accomplishments/personal victories that I experienced in 2014 that I need to celebrate:
1. I rode a giant rollercoaster (and only cried a little bit).
2. I ate raw oysters. I ate crab claws. I ate crab cakes. I ate shrimp. I ate lobster. I ate fish.....all kinds - even sushi! And I liked it!
3. I cooked lobsters at home! (and they were delicious!)
4. I got dressed up in fancy clothes, high-heeled shoes, lots of make-up, (and for heaven's sakes - I even wore body-glitter!!) and went to a cocktail party and dinner and even went dancing!
5. I danced in a conga line.....a conga line led by the fabulous Ms. Gloria Estefan, no less!! I couldn't even make that up if I tried!!!
6. If you know me well, you know how I DEPLORE being alone and doing things alone....however, I explored my new cities on my own. driving myself around in a strange place and exploring....eating in cafes, walking along docks, sipping iced coffee on a park bench, ducking into quaint little shops and taking tons of pictures! I even visited botanical gardens and had a solo-sushi-picnic by the water! I even visited a winery alone and had a chocolate-wine paring.....dateless! It was scary, but I was BOLD!
7. I found an amazing Italian Market to frequent and I had gelato and cannoli! TWICE!
8. I had Starbucks at the original Starbucks at Pikes Market.
9. I took the following modes of transportation this year: car, truck, bus, ferry, train, shuttle, tram, plane, subway, bicycle, motorcycle, golf cart, rollercoaster, carousel, moving sidewalk, rental car, boat. taxi-cab, I guess you could say it's been a moving year!
10. I visited a Chinatown in two major cities.
11. I finally saw a play on Broadway and marveled at the lights in Times Square.
12. I ate a hotdog from a street-vendor.
13. I stopped in a busy Manhattan bar for drinks one evening.
14. I have watched the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico and over Puget Sound and I have watched the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean.
15. I have had a total reset of what my priorities are this year.....a reminder that the most important things aren't really even things....and not to take those most important things for granted or lightly. Our lives are but a vapor and I have learned to cherish the precious blessings I've been given.
Friday, December 26, 2014
2014 in Review
My year in review:
January 2014 found us in Nashville.....going through our usual routine. Steve was working for QHR, traveling and away from home about 4 days a week, home mostly only on the weekends. I was working 50-70 hour weeks at Guardian Home Care as the Executive Director, feeling mostly like the little kid sitting at the adult table......learning a lot, but feeling the stress and burden of all the responsibility. I was miserable when Steve was gone.....pretty much crying myself to sleep every night and talking to my puppy a lot. There were some highlights though....On 1-4-14, I went down to mom's and picked up Cayland and Bethany and we had a "girls-day-out!" We had a right proper tea at The English Rose and played around at The Chattanooga Choo-Choo. We got pedicures and ate a ton of BBQ at Rib and Loin. It was a wonderful day full of lots of giggles and love and fun. Those girls own a huge chunk of my heart! <3 On 1-14-14, a package of Christmas goodies arrived from Alyssa in Japan! Lots of weird candy, including Wasabi Kit-Kat bars!
February rolled around, along with our Valentine's Day Anniversary. Steve told me to pack for an overnight trip and that I would find out where we were going once we got to the airport. He wouldn't give me ANY other clues! He told me to pack warmly, but to pack a dress and "stuff you can walk around in"......so the morning of 2-14-14 found us at BNA Airport, and my boarding pass said that I was traveling to Charleston, SC. We flew into Charleston and rented a car and explored around town, walking and taking in the Saturday morning market and we had lunch on the waterfront outside on a deck, overlooking the boats coming in/out. It was the old Navy Pier that had been renovated into a nice restaurant! In line with my goal of being more adventurous, I ate raw oysters and drank a watermelon martini at noon and we feasted on Seafood before getting in the car and heading north. Our destination was a hotel in Murrell's Inlet, a place where I had kidnapped Steve to for his birthday many years before! We stopped and checked into our hotel to rest and freshen up before my BIG surprise! Steve had purchased tickets to Medieval Nights Dinner Show for me! It has been on my bucket/dream list for YEARS!!!! I squealed with delight when I found out! Literally squealed. And cried a few tears of joy. It was AMAZING!!! Horses!! Beautiful horses! And Princesses, and knights! And serving wenches! And food you eat with your hands! It was all delicious! And magical! AND I got to wear a paper crown and cheer for our knight! After our Medieval adventure was done and our bellies were full, we went to Barefoot Landing, where we used to visit when we lived in North Carolina. We walked around the shops and checked out the pretty lights reflecting in the water. The next morning, we took the beach-route back to Charleston, stopping in beach-side towns to walk along the board-walks and see the sights before stopping for a quick lunch and heading back to Nashville. It was such a wonderful adventure!! It was around this time that Steve started interviewing with Baycare Hospital systems in Tampa, Florida. He was sick of life on the road and I was not doing well with him being gone so often. I had been fighting the demons of depression and being alone seems to shine a giant spot-light on the darkness. I was completely miserable when he was out of town. The job in Tampa seemed like a dream come true! He officially accepted the offer on 2-25-14 and we announced it to the world on 2-26-14, after I had told my kids, my Mom and given notice to my boss at work. My whole world started to tip on it's axis just a few degrees.
The hustle and bustle of moving several hundred miles away is daunting. The beginning of March found me meeting with realtors, listing our house, meeting with realtors some more, staging the house (all on my own - since Steve was working out his 30 day notice as well and still had to travel right up to the day before we left Nashville). The weather in Nashville was particularly cold and brutal in Late Feb-early march this year, with several mornings of snow and frost and temperatures dipping in the single digits....which made planning the move to a warmer climate a little more appealing. One of the harder things to do was to leave my job at Guardian. Things were not always a bed of roses, but we had come a looooong way in a short time and pulled together as a team.....the people I worked with were like a second family to me and I felt like I was the momma-hen most of the time. I really come to love and cherish my co-workers and saying good-bye was difficult. Leaving a job that I loved and co-workers that I loved for the unknown was a scary thing for me. Leaving my son in Nashville was also difficult. After so many tumultuous years, he was finally pulling himself together and doing well and our relationship with him had grown and matured and we enjoyed getting to see him on a semi-regular basis every couple of weeks. Moving so far away would be very difficult for me as a Mommy. As luck would have it, my last 2 weeks on the job were also 2 weeks of Jury duty for me! I think you could hear me howling "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!: when I pulled the yellow postcard out of the mailbox. Of all the dumb things!! But luckily, I made it the entire 2 weeks without actually having to go to the courthouse and serve on a jury! Thank goodness!! My last day at Guardian was 3-21-14 and we left for Florida on 3-22-14 and moved in to our temporary condo on 3-24-14. On 3-25-14, I received my Florida Nursing License in the mail and began my job-hunt in earnest.
After many weird twists and turns, we finally accepted a full-price offer on our house in Nashville on 4-3-14! I went on several job interviews and spent quite a few hours pouring over job listings on the internet. We met with our realtor here and went house-hunting almost every single weekend and spent evenings cuddled up on the couch looking at house listings....searching for the perfect place to call home. I was restless not working....even for a short period of time. I did get to drive down to Fort Meyers and spend a day with my Uncle Hubert and Aunt Mildred and had a lovely time. Steve and I felt like we were on a weird extended vacation, staying in the condo. He worked all day and came home to a home-cooked meal at night and then we'd go for a walk in the evenings before dark. I accepted a position with Greystone Home Care and began working again on 4-10-14. I was out of work less than a month, but I was very glad to be gainfully employed again. I took the position as PCC (Clinical Supervisor) but by the end of the month, I was promoted to Director of Clinical Services. The job was difficult and the office in a state of near-constant turmoil. It was sooo not what I was accustomed to dealing with. I spent my first few months wondering what on earth I'd gotten myself into and, well.....I suppose that feeling still somewhat continues today. It has been one of the most stressful positions I've ever held, that's for sure. We had planned a trip to New York City with some friends for the end of April and even though we moved to Florida, we were able to get our tickets changed and fly from Tampa instead of Nashville. We met our friend at La Guardia and took the Big Apple by storm!! The trip was amazing and exhausting and everything I ever dreamed it would be! I got to see all the famous sights: The Statue of Liberty, Manhattan, Time Square, Broadway, Radio City Music Hall, The Bull on Wall Street, Chinatown, Central Park, The Met Art Museum, Fifth Avenue, Rockefeller Center, The Empire State Building, the 9-11 Memorial.....it was all just like a movie!! We ate at fancy restaurants and drank wine in fancy bars, we dressed up like rich folks and saw a play on Broadway! And we walked our feet off! We took taxies and we rode subways! Ahhhhhhh!!! So many, many bucket-list moments!!!
As April gave way to May and the weather started heating up, living in the condo lost a lot of it's charm. The view was beautiful, overlooking a pretty lake with exotic waterbirds and fish that liked to flip and flop on the surface of the water....but the thin walls and loud neighbors and lack of parking wore thin quickly. And having to go up and down 3 flights of stairs to take Sophie to potty wasn't much fun either. We longed for our own furniture, my own kitchen utensils, our own BED, our own furniture, a Television (we didn't have one the whole 3 months in the condo) and the rest of our clothing and belongings. We missed being HOME. The closing on our house in Nashville and the closing on our house here in Florida were scheduled for the last week in May. We packed up the truck, the dog and our workclothes and we headed back to Tennessee. We spent a week packing and cleaning and culling through years of belongings. The packers came and took most of the stuff, but we had several things we brought back in a Uhaul truck ourselves to save some $$. Jaron came back with his and got to stay for a few days with us. That was the best part! The work was exhausting and it was so hot and miserable and there was a looming deadline to be done and out of the house and we were all stressed and pushed to the max. When we finally got to the new house and unloaded the truck and were able to relax, it was the BEST feeling!
The movers came with our stuff on the big truck a week later and the first week of June, we officially moved into our new house!!
January 2014 found us in Nashville.....going through our usual routine. Steve was working for QHR, traveling and away from home about 4 days a week, home mostly only on the weekends. I was working 50-70 hour weeks at Guardian Home Care as the Executive Director, feeling mostly like the little kid sitting at the adult table......learning a lot, but feeling the stress and burden of all the responsibility. I was miserable when Steve was gone.....pretty much crying myself to sleep every night and talking to my puppy a lot. There were some highlights though....On 1-4-14, I went down to mom's and picked up Cayland and Bethany and we had a "girls-day-out!" We had a right proper tea at The English Rose and played around at The Chattanooga Choo-Choo. We got pedicures and ate a ton of BBQ at Rib and Loin. It was a wonderful day full of lots of giggles and love and fun. Those girls own a huge chunk of my heart! <3 On 1-14-14, a package of Christmas goodies arrived from Alyssa in Japan! Lots of weird candy, including Wasabi Kit-Kat bars!
February rolled around, along with our Valentine's Day Anniversary. Steve told me to pack for an overnight trip and that I would find out where we were going once we got to the airport. He wouldn't give me ANY other clues! He told me to pack warmly, but to pack a dress and "stuff you can walk around in"......so the morning of 2-14-14 found us at BNA Airport, and my boarding pass said that I was traveling to Charleston, SC. We flew into Charleston and rented a car and explored around town, walking and taking in the Saturday morning market and we had lunch on the waterfront outside on a deck, overlooking the boats coming in/out. It was the old Navy Pier that had been renovated into a nice restaurant! In line with my goal of being more adventurous, I ate raw oysters and drank a watermelon martini at noon and we feasted on Seafood before getting in the car and heading north. Our destination was a hotel in Murrell's Inlet, a place where I had kidnapped Steve to for his birthday many years before! We stopped and checked into our hotel to rest and freshen up before my BIG surprise! Steve had purchased tickets to Medieval Nights Dinner Show for me! It has been on my bucket/dream list for YEARS!!!! I squealed with delight when I found out! Literally squealed. And cried a few tears of joy. It was AMAZING!!! Horses!! Beautiful horses! And Princesses, and knights! And serving wenches! And food you eat with your hands! It was all delicious! And magical! AND I got to wear a paper crown and cheer for our knight! After our Medieval adventure was done and our bellies were full, we went to Barefoot Landing, where we used to visit when we lived in North Carolina. We walked around the shops and checked out the pretty lights reflecting in the water. The next morning, we took the beach-route back to Charleston, stopping in beach-side towns to walk along the board-walks and see the sights before stopping for a quick lunch and heading back to Nashville. It was such a wonderful adventure!! It was around this time that Steve started interviewing with Baycare Hospital systems in Tampa, Florida. He was sick of life on the road and I was not doing well with him being gone so often. I had been fighting the demons of depression and being alone seems to shine a giant spot-light on the darkness. I was completely miserable when he was out of town. The job in Tampa seemed like a dream come true! He officially accepted the offer on 2-25-14 and we announced it to the world on 2-26-14, after I had told my kids, my Mom and given notice to my boss at work. My whole world started to tip on it's axis just a few degrees.
The hustle and bustle of moving several hundred miles away is daunting. The beginning of March found me meeting with realtors, listing our house, meeting with realtors some more, staging the house (all on my own - since Steve was working out his 30 day notice as well and still had to travel right up to the day before we left Nashville). The weather in Nashville was particularly cold and brutal in Late Feb-early march this year, with several mornings of snow and frost and temperatures dipping in the single digits....which made planning the move to a warmer climate a little more appealing. One of the harder things to do was to leave my job at Guardian. Things were not always a bed of roses, but we had come a looooong way in a short time and pulled together as a team.....the people I worked with were like a second family to me and I felt like I was the momma-hen most of the time. I really come to love and cherish my co-workers and saying good-bye was difficult. Leaving a job that I loved and co-workers that I loved for the unknown was a scary thing for me. Leaving my son in Nashville was also difficult. After so many tumultuous years, he was finally pulling himself together and doing well and our relationship with him had grown and matured and we enjoyed getting to see him on a semi-regular basis every couple of weeks. Moving so far away would be very difficult for me as a Mommy. As luck would have it, my last 2 weeks on the job were also 2 weeks of Jury duty for me! I think you could hear me howling "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!: when I pulled the yellow postcard out of the mailbox. Of all the dumb things!! But luckily, I made it the entire 2 weeks without actually having to go to the courthouse and serve on a jury! Thank goodness!! My last day at Guardian was 3-21-14 and we left for Florida on 3-22-14 and moved in to our temporary condo on 3-24-14. On 3-25-14, I received my Florida Nursing License in the mail and began my job-hunt in earnest.
After many weird twists and turns, we finally accepted a full-price offer on our house in Nashville on 4-3-14! I went on several job interviews and spent quite a few hours pouring over job listings on the internet. We met with our realtor here and went house-hunting almost every single weekend and spent evenings cuddled up on the couch looking at house listings....searching for the perfect place to call home. I was restless not working....even for a short period of time. I did get to drive down to Fort Meyers and spend a day with my Uncle Hubert and Aunt Mildred and had a lovely time. Steve and I felt like we were on a weird extended vacation, staying in the condo. He worked all day and came home to a home-cooked meal at night and then we'd go for a walk in the evenings before dark. I accepted a position with Greystone Home Care and began working again on 4-10-14. I was out of work less than a month, but I was very glad to be gainfully employed again. I took the position as PCC (Clinical Supervisor) but by the end of the month, I was promoted to Director of Clinical Services. The job was difficult and the office in a state of near-constant turmoil. It was sooo not what I was accustomed to dealing with. I spent my first few months wondering what on earth I'd gotten myself into and, well.....I suppose that feeling still somewhat continues today. It has been one of the most stressful positions I've ever held, that's for sure. We had planned a trip to New York City with some friends for the end of April and even though we moved to Florida, we were able to get our tickets changed and fly from Tampa instead of Nashville. We met our friend at La Guardia and took the Big Apple by storm!! The trip was amazing and exhausting and everything I ever dreamed it would be! I got to see all the famous sights: The Statue of Liberty, Manhattan, Time Square, Broadway, Radio City Music Hall, The Bull on Wall Street, Chinatown, Central Park, The Met Art Museum, Fifth Avenue, Rockefeller Center, The Empire State Building, the 9-11 Memorial.....it was all just like a movie!! We ate at fancy restaurants and drank wine in fancy bars, we dressed up like rich folks and saw a play on Broadway! And we walked our feet off! We took taxies and we rode subways! Ahhhhhhh!!! So many, many bucket-list moments!!!
As April gave way to May and the weather started heating up, living in the condo lost a lot of it's charm. The view was beautiful, overlooking a pretty lake with exotic waterbirds and fish that liked to flip and flop on the surface of the water....but the thin walls and loud neighbors and lack of parking wore thin quickly. And having to go up and down 3 flights of stairs to take Sophie to potty wasn't much fun either. We longed for our own furniture, my own kitchen utensils, our own BED, our own furniture, a Television (we didn't have one the whole 3 months in the condo) and the rest of our clothing and belongings. We missed being HOME. The closing on our house in Nashville and the closing on our house here in Florida were scheduled for the last week in May. We packed up the truck, the dog and our workclothes and we headed back to Tennessee. We spent a week packing and cleaning and culling through years of belongings. The packers came and took most of the stuff, but we had several things we brought back in a Uhaul truck ourselves to save some $$. Jaron came back with his and got to stay for a few days with us. That was the best part! The work was exhausting and it was so hot and miserable and there was a looming deadline to be done and out of the house and we were all stressed and pushed to the max. When we finally got to the new house and unloaded the truck and were able to relax, it was the BEST feeling!
The movers came with our stuff on the big truck a week later and the first week of June, we officially moved into our new house!!
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Nursing
If you ask any wide-eyed, green, wet-behind-the-ears nursing student why they want to be a nurse, she will likely get a dreamy look on her face and immediately say something like she "Just wants to help people!" Help ease suffering; heal the broken; bind-up the wounded; Encourage the down-trodden. Educate the ignorant. We all essentially wanted to save the world while wearing comfortable scrubs and sensible shoes.
I remember saying those same words. Having that same vision; that burning mission....that sense of higher purpose. I remember getting misty thinking about all the good I could do in the world. All the hands I could hold.....all the love I could share. Florence Nightingale in shining, crisp white.
And then the reality of nursing hit me full force. The understaffing. The never having enough help and never feeling quite sure you are doing the right thing, but not having time to second guess either. The IV sticks you didn't get on the first try. The moment when you first realized that the world of nursing was more about hanging IV's, passing meds, and charting for hours than it is about offering comfort or healing anything. It was about being able to assess a situation quickly and take action, almost on automatic pilot, listening to your developing sense of "nurse intuition" .....and it was about getting it right. Because you don't get a second chance when a life hangs in the balance.
It was not glamorous to change bed linens for the third time on your 12 hour shift because your patient has diarrhea. Again. It's not glamorous to clean vomit off your shoes. It is not glamorous to fish a pair of dentures out of a full emesis basin. It is not glamorous to administer enemas, insert Foley catheters, shave private parts, shove an NG tube down someone's nose while they fight and curse at you so you can administer charcoal to absorb the poison they swallowed in a failed attempt to kill themselves. It is not glamorous to come in to work when it is dark and leave 12-14 hours later when it is still dark......only to come back to work in 10 hours and do it all over again. It is not glamorous to suction secretions from someone's tracheotomy or to change adult diapers full of adult poop. It's not glamorous to take out the trash, to empty the Foley bags, to see maggots in a wound when you change the dressing on an amputated stump, or wade through ankle-deep trash in the hoarder-house of your home-care patient.
None of these images are what you think of when you think of nursing. It's certainly not what I had in mind when I applied for nursing school. There have been hours of the drudgery of paperwork, hours of cleaning up all sorts of bodily fluids, hours of gritting your teeth and taking the verbal abuse of patients and family members who just don't appreciate your time and effort. And there have been moments of sheer and total terror. Moments when your patient is talking to you and then slumps over at the bedside and becomes nonresponsive. Times when you pull the cord to call the code and the adrenaline kicks in and your training takes over because you are too shaken to think straight. There are moments when you teach and teach and teach your heart out.....and they still don't get it. There are veins that roll or blow and just disappear and are impossible to stick.
There are times when you have to leave one patient who is dying of cancer to go see another patient who is struggling for each breath due to emphysema and then leave that patient to see a patient who is facing amputation of a second leg and then you leave that patient to see another patient struggling with another catastrophic disease. And you catch glimpses.......glimpses of yourself in their suffering. Glimpses of your possible future. Glimpses of your family members. Glimpses of life choices that led to ruin. Glimpses of suffering. Glimpses of pain. And sometimes, glimpses of hope.
I've been present for countless baby deliveries. And I cried at every. single. one of them. (Yes, nurses cry....we usually try to hide it, but we do). The miracle of a new life....the hope! The possibilities! The newness! The first face-to-face meeting of the baby and mother and the overwhelming sense of love at first sight!
I've also been present at deaths. I've worked Hospice when my job was to go to the home and try to offer comfort measures to ease the transition and make the death pronouncement. Sometimes, I was there when the patient passed and sometimes I got there after the fact. My job was to bathe and prepare the bodies.....and to comfort the family and loved ones.
I have held the frail, thin-skinned, vein-lined hands of so many precious elderly patients.....offering a smile, a prayer if indicated, a few words of encouragement and care. I make it a point to look into their eyes....eyes often dimmed by time and disease.....but eyes that have seen a life-time and really lived.....and I have seen so much there.
I started off by saying that nurses want to "take care of people".....but somewhere along the way, we really gain so much more than we give. We learn, feel, see, and hear such diverse slices of the human experience from day to day......and I've come to realize that this is a gift that few other professions allow.
I work mostly as an administrative nurse now....not as much hands-on care these days. I supervise the nurses who do.....I try to mentor and teach them what it means to really care. And I try to make a difference for them. I still interact with the patients, but mostly on the phone....intervening when there is a problem or a need or when I need to assist them in arranging their care. I still go out and see patients from time to time. I never want to lose that part of my profession. It still thrills my heart to hold a hand and look into someone's eyes and know I've done something to help them.
I got a message this morning from one of my former co-workers that one of my long-term home care patients - a man that I cared for regularly over a 3-4 year period......had passed away. My initial reaction was shock and then sadness......but it was quickly followed by the knowledge that it was a relief for him. The 3-4 years I'd known him were riddled with hospitalizations for exacerbations of his disease processes that caused him great pain and caused him great suffering. He always had a smile for me though....he called me his "Manda-Baby" and would ask for me by that name when he called our office. When he knew I was scheduled to come see him, he would turn off his oxygen, light up some incense and spray air-freshener so that he could pretend that he hadn't just smoked before I got there. He wasn't fooling anybody. Nothing smells as guilty as cigarette-smoke and patchouli-scented incense....but it was a game we played. He knew that I knew that he knew that I knew......but he didn't want another lecture about how smoking was bad for him. He made his choices and he chose to continue smoking, even though it was very slowly killing him. He was gruff and rough around the edges and had lived a hard life. He didn't have much, but once, when he went to the farmer's market and bought himself some fresh corn, that sweet man saved an ear of corn just for me. That ear of corn meant the world to me....it meant that I had made a difference in his life....enough that he would think of me and want to share something with me...even an ear of corn.
I had moved away from the town where he lives. I moved to another state and took another job and hadn't seen him in more than 7-8 months......but this morning, the news of his death still broke my heart. And I cried. That's what it's like to be a nurse. At least it is for me.....It's giving and giving and giving......but getting so much more in return. It might be a lot messier than I bargained for....and a lot less glamorous and a lot more tedious at times......but it's always worth it. I'm still proud to be a nurse.
I remember saying those same words. Having that same vision; that burning mission....that sense of higher purpose. I remember getting misty thinking about all the good I could do in the world. All the hands I could hold.....all the love I could share. Florence Nightingale in shining, crisp white.
And then the reality of nursing hit me full force. The understaffing. The never having enough help and never feeling quite sure you are doing the right thing, but not having time to second guess either. The IV sticks you didn't get on the first try. The moment when you first realized that the world of nursing was more about hanging IV's, passing meds, and charting for hours than it is about offering comfort or healing anything. It was about being able to assess a situation quickly and take action, almost on automatic pilot, listening to your developing sense of "nurse intuition" .....and it was about getting it right. Because you don't get a second chance when a life hangs in the balance.
It was not glamorous to change bed linens for the third time on your 12 hour shift because your patient has diarrhea. Again. It's not glamorous to clean vomit off your shoes. It is not glamorous to fish a pair of dentures out of a full emesis basin. It is not glamorous to administer enemas, insert Foley catheters, shave private parts, shove an NG tube down someone's nose while they fight and curse at you so you can administer charcoal to absorb the poison they swallowed in a failed attempt to kill themselves. It is not glamorous to come in to work when it is dark and leave 12-14 hours later when it is still dark......only to come back to work in 10 hours and do it all over again. It is not glamorous to suction secretions from someone's tracheotomy or to change adult diapers full of adult poop. It's not glamorous to take out the trash, to empty the Foley bags, to see maggots in a wound when you change the dressing on an amputated stump, or wade through ankle-deep trash in the hoarder-house of your home-care patient.
None of these images are what you think of when you think of nursing. It's certainly not what I had in mind when I applied for nursing school. There have been hours of the drudgery of paperwork, hours of cleaning up all sorts of bodily fluids, hours of gritting your teeth and taking the verbal abuse of patients and family members who just don't appreciate your time and effort. And there have been moments of sheer and total terror. Moments when your patient is talking to you and then slumps over at the bedside and becomes nonresponsive. Times when you pull the cord to call the code and the adrenaline kicks in and your training takes over because you are too shaken to think straight. There are moments when you teach and teach and teach your heart out.....and they still don't get it. There are veins that roll or blow and just disappear and are impossible to stick.
There are times when you have to leave one patient who is dying of cancer to go see another patient who is struggling for each breath due to emphysema and then leave that patient to see a patient who is facing amputation of a second leg and then you leave that patient to see another patient struggling with another catastrophic disease. And you catch glimpses.......glimpses of yourself in their suffering. Glimpses of your possible future. Glimpses of your family members. Glimpses of life choices that led to ruin. Glimpses of suffering. Glimpses of pain. And sometimes, glimpses of hope.
I've been present for countless baby deliveries. And I cried at every. single. one of them. (Yes, nurses cry....we usually try to hide it, but we do). The miracle of a new life....the hope! The possibilities! The newness! The first face-to-face meeting of the baby and mother and the overwhelming sense of love at first sight!
I've also been present at deaths. I've worked Hospice when my job was to go to the home and try to offer comfort measures to ease the transition and make the death pronouncement. Sometimes, I was there when the patient passed and sometimes I got there after the fact. My job was to bathe and prepare the bodies.....and to comfort the family and loved ones.
I have held the frail, thin-skinned, vein-lined hands of so many precious elderly patients.....offering a smile, a prayer if indicated, a few words of encouragement and care. I make it a point to look into their eyes....eyes often dimmed by time and disease.....but eyes that have seen a life-time and really lived.....and I have seen so much there.
I started off by saying that nurses want to "take care of people".....but somewhere along the way, we really gain so much more than we give. We learn, feel, see, and hear such diverse slices of the human experience from day to day......and I've come to realize that this is a gift that few other professions allow.
I work mostly as an administrative nurse now....not as much hands-on care these days. I supervise the nurses who do.....I try to mentor and teach them what it means to really care. And I try to make a difference for them. I still interact with the patients, but mostly on the phone....intervening when there is a problem or a need or when I need to assist them in arranging their care. I still go out and see patients from time to time. I never want to lose that part of my profession. It still thrills my heart to hold a hand and look into someone's eyes and know I've done something to help them.
I got a message this morning from one of my former co-workers that one of my long-term home care patients - a man that I cared for regularly over a 3-4 year period......had passed away. My initial reaction was shock and then sadness......but it was quickly followed by the knowledge that it was a relief for him. The 3-4 years I'd known him were riddled with hospitalizations for exacerbations of his disease processes that caused him great pain and caused him great suffering. He always had a smile for me though....he called me his "Manda-Baby" and would ask for me by that name when he called our office. When he knew I was scheduled to come see him, he would turn off his oxygen, light up some incense and spray air-freshener so that he could pretend that he hadn't just smoked before I got there. He wasn't fooling anybody. Nothing smells as guilty as cigarette-smoke and patchouli-scented incense....but it was a game we played. He knew that I knew that he knew that I knew......but he didn't want another lecture about how smoking was bad for him. He made his choices and he chose to continue smoking, even though it was very slowly killing him. He was gruff and rough around the edges and had lived a hard life. He didn't have much, but once, when he went to the farmer's market and bought himself some fresh corn, that sweet man saved an ear of corn just for me. That ear of corn meant the world to me....it meant that I had made a difference in his life....enough that he would think of me and want to share something with me...even an ear of corn.
I had moved away from the town where he lives. I moved to another state and took another job and hadn't seen him in more than 7-8 months......but this morning, the news of his death still broke my heart. And I cried. That's what it's like to be a nurse. At least it is for me.....It's giving and giving and giving......but getting so much more in return. It might be a lot messier than I bargained for....and a lot less glamorous and a lot more tedious at times......but it's always worth it. I'm still proud to be a nurse.
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