It's been another good while since I posted. I told ya I was gonna be bad at posting on a consistent basis. Most of the time....I just feel like I don't have anything deep or exciting or encouraging to say. And when I do post.....mostly, it's very self-indulgent rambling. And this post will be NO exception to that rule. This post is about me trying to work out some of my "issues" and it's completely self-indulgent...that said, do not feel you have to keep reading. This entry is really for my own benefit. It always helps me to get things in writing to see them more clearly.
I had a long and serious talk with Steve tonight over dinner about what "being Godly" really means and if we were Godly people and if you think that you are Godly, does that mean that you're really NOT being Godly?
We came to no real earth-shattering conclusions.....only that even Godly people sin....and the best we can do is strive for having the mind and character of Christ...and confess it immediately when we fail, and then try again. I suppose it all comes down to life experience, attitude and staying in tune with the Holy Spirit.
We were also talking about different attitudes about life....about how some people seem to have "magical thinking" ......actually expecting good things to just fall into their laps without paying any dues, without putting in the time, without hard work and without sweat equity. They have an almost entitlement way of thinking. (We were actually talking about our own children). Is it because of the predominance of the "Name-It-Claim-It" milieu of so many of today's churches? Or is it because they just don't want to work for things? Is it because as children, we parents were so overly worried about their self-esteem that we rescued them from situations where they could have learned from the consequences about the inevitable hard-knocks of life? They seem to think....."I deserve the good things!" and then they actually expect the good things to happen magically....just out of the blue!
I have a hard time understanding this way of thinking. I tend to fall on the other extreme end of the spectrum.....and by the way, I think both extremes are very off the mark. I am always surprised by blessings in my life.....I guess because I usually feel like I don't deserve them. Even though I will admit that I work very hard and do my best, I tend to feel embarrassed and try to downplay any thing that results in a financial gain, or a public reward, or recognition. This kind of attention makes me feel guilty. I end up with a very defeated mindset that sounds something like this inside my head: "If they only knew the REAL me...." or "If they knew what I was ACTUALLY thinking....." or "I wish I was as nice as they think I am...." And I end up feeling guilty over being blessed!! I think that this is just as messed up as expecting the blessings to just happen.
There has to be some middle ground. Surely there are some well-adjusted people out there who work hard, who receive accolades and are happy about it. Where along the line did I begin to feel that I was so worthless that I didn't deserve to be blessed or recognized for doing well? Who told me that I wasn't worth it? That I should be ashamed of the good things that I do? How did this become so ingrained in me? I don't really know the answer to that question. Sure, there were issues during my childhood that I can point back to as being very traumatic...but I also realize that EVERYBODY has skeletons in their closet; we all have a past that still haunts us from time to time.
I think instead of asking when, where and why did this happen, I should focus more on how to fix the problem. I've done all the studies: "Making Peace with Your Past" and "Search for Significance" and "Overcoming Depression" and "Breaking Free" and I did learn from each of them....but I'm still not completely "FIXED." It's likely that I won't ever be completely fixed this side of eternity either.
So, instead of being fixed......I just need to learn to live my life to the best of my ability in a not-fair, very broken and hurting world. Ahhhh, there's the rub, huh? What's the trick to that? Well, I'm not sure there are any tricks to it, and I'm certainly no expert....but this is my take on what I need to do myself.
First and foremost.....I need to pray. Every day. All day. And even when I'm not praying...I need to have an attitude of prayer. I need the power of the Holy Spirit within me to help me...to act as my teleprompter, to act as my Jimminy Cricket conscious, to intercede for me when I blow it, to comfort me when I'm hurting, to guide me when I'm lost. I need to learn to take all of my issues, my crazy thoughts, my jumbled emotions to God RIGHT AWAY and not let them simmer and fester in my brain until I feel like I'm a pressure cooker that's going to blow it's top. I need to measure every action, every thought, and every word against what Scripture says is right and wrong (and not just what I FEEL is right and wrong). I need to actually read and study my Bible so that I can know what Scripture actually says. I need to have fellowship with other believers who can encourage me when I stumble....and I need the transparency and honesty to be able to admit when I stumble and ask for that help. (Ouch! To admit that I'm struggling and I need help?? That pokes me in my pride a bit hard). I need to read over this list about 1000 times or more a day and I need to believe it and then I need to live it.
The other night, on the TV show Big Bang Theory.....Sheldon gave his girlfriend Amy a tiara and it made her stupidly happy. I was trying to explain to my husband why EVERY girl wants a tiara....no matter how old we are. I started listing why we want so VERY BADLY to be tiara-wearing princesses: We want to be Royal! We want to matter! We want to be treasured! We want to be special! We want to be beautiful! And it was at that point that I busted into tears, then sobs that dissolved into outright bawling and then I had to run to the bathroom and blow my snotty nose. As I looked at my ordinary, mascara-stained red face in teh mirror, I realized that I had some big-time tiara envy. I want to be all those things too!!! That resulted in another round of "poor-pitiful-ugly-ordinary-me" bawling.
In retropect, I just want to ask myself WHEN will I start realizing that I AM all those things?? I mattered so much that Jesus DIED for me. I am royal because I'm the adopted DAUGHTER OF THE KING of KINGS! I am special and dare I say it??? I am beautiful in the eyes of my Heavenly Father....He's my bridegroom and I am His bride!! He's my Kinsman Redeemer and he's gone to prepare a home for me! Not just any old shack either...a MANSION! I have no reason to cry about not feeling pretty or not feeling special......because the way I feel doesn't really change the reality of what God has promised me that I AM!! Good grief, if I'd only open my eyes to that TRUTH!!
I have a tiara that my good friends Sheila and LeeAnn bought for me a good many years ago....I keep it in my dresser drawer and I pull it out from time to time to remind me of all these promises. I think I'm going to go right now and take it OUT of the dresser drawer and I might even wear it around the house or even wear it to work!! I need a good reminder of who God says I am and what God says I can do thru Him.....all things....ALL things! ALL things! ALL THINGS!!!!! And that's a blessing I don't want to hide away in a dresser drawer!!!
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