I just said hello to my next door neighbor when we were both out in our back yards. She acted like I had just sprouted 3 heads and swung an axe at her head. She retreated back inside so quickly with such an utter look of disgust that it was almost comical. But it hurt my feelings. We've lived here for 19 months now and I don't even know her name. She's friendly with the neighbors on the other side of her and the other side of our house.....so I know it's not because she's simply antisocial.....so why not be sociable with me? Every time I've attempted to make conversation or even said hello to her, I've gotten the cold shoulder. She is very pretty and she is one of those "put-together looking" women. She's about my age...maybe a few years older. She's always well dressed....even when she's just sitting out in her back yard.
What bothers me more than the fact that this lady obviously finds me objectionable....is the way her disdain makes me FEEL. This evening, her reaction took me immediately right back to the way I used to feel in high school when one of the 'popular girls' would snub me or laugh at me. I know it's trite and pathetic.....but I feel that same level of intimidation that I felt when I was 16 and so unsure of myself. Poor, awkward, geeky, ugly, not-well-dressed; I felt out of my league - as if my living in a nice neighborhood like this was akin to a pig trying to wear pearls. I looked down at my Walmart t-shirt and gym shorts, my bare feet with chipped purple toenail polish and I actually heard myself think, "Maybe she can smell the 'white trash' from over in her yard and doesn't want to come any closer to the garbage pile." Ugggggggggggh. Why do I talk to myself that way??
How low does my self esteem have to be to take such a nosedive based on that lady's rudeness and complete lack of class? Even if I don't completely understand social graces or the finer subtleties of personal interactions as defined by some.....I do know how to be NICE to people. I strive to be nice to everybody....even people I don't necessarily have tagged as "BFF" material. One does not have to like someone or want to hang out with them to be civil to them. I hope I never make anyone feel this insignificant and inferior. Heavens knows we all carry enough burdens without having to lug those feelings around with us too...dragging them along behind us like heavy sacks of rocks.
I know that my past experiences color my own reactions. Years spent afraid of my own shadow, afraid of being laughed at, of being scared to death of rejection........years spent so lonely and sad that I was DESPERATE for someone to like me....years of trying too hard and crashing and burning. Awkward social interactions. Feeling inadequate. Hearing whispered (and not so whispered) giggles and being the butt of jokes. Feeling left-out, forgotten; feeling judged and found wanting,.... pathetic and mousy. Learning to keep to myself in an effort to guard my heart.....building walls around the tender, hurting spaces. Day-dreaming or getting lost in books to escape the reality of my own painfully plain self sometimes.
Making friends has always been a bit of a challenge for me. I've always envied girls who always seem to know what to say and how to say it. Girls who seem to just know what to wear and how to wear it........where to go and who to go there with. I usually feel fairly clueless about these things.
At this point in my life, I thought I'd dealt with all those misty ghosts of my teen-aged past. I thought that I'd finally figured out who I am.... and why I am what I am. I thought that all those petty fears and longings for popularity and friendships and being accepted were resolved and finished. Shouldn't all that adolescent angst completely disappear with the arrival of the first signs of crows feet and gray hairs? I'm middle-aged, for heaven's sakes!!! How can one lady's snub in the back yard send me into a such a tailspin and downward spiral of sad introspection...culminating in these same sad feelings of worthlessness and despair that I thought I'd overcome?
And I wonder.....do other people feel this way? Do other people worry so much about how other people see them? Or am I just very self-centered? Something Beth Moore once said resonates within my heart: "Constantly thinking little of yourself is still constantly thinking of yourself." Yes..when I sit quietly and clear my mind and really listen...... I do believe that's the actual problem...........ME, thinking too much about ME. Imagine that.
Maybe my neighbor lady was just preoccupied. Maybe she was busy and didn't have time to talk. Maybe she thought I wanted something from her. Maybe she just doesn't like the looks of me. Maybe she thinks I'm odd (and she's likely right). Maybe she's had a really bad day and is just hanging on by a thread and didn't feel like being social. I will probably never know.
Meanwhile.....I'm going to continue to pray that I can get a grip. I can't change the way other people act.....but I CAN change my reaction. I'm praying that I can move past these low-self-esteem issues and leave the pity-party behind. I am also praying that some NICE and FRIENDLY neighbors move into the new empty house across the street from us. When the new folks move in (whoever they are), I am going to make a point of taking a house-warming gift over and introducing myself. Hope I don't scare them too badly! hahahaha!!!
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