Who do I need to forgive???

I was reading through some writing prompts and I came across this question:  Who do I need to forgive?  It cut at my heart and demanded an answer. An honest answer.

When thinking about this question.....the overwhelming answer is:  My father.  For abandoning me when I was 6 years old.

I have tried to forgive him a million times. I've prayed about it, I've tried to make peace with it. But he has hurt me probably more than anyone on earth has ever hurt me.  As a parent myself, I can't imagine turning my back on my own child.  I can't imagine leaving them at 6 years of age....not wanting to be a part of their lives. I can't imagine not wondering how they were doing, not loving them, not wanting to be in contact with them and not being a part of their young lives.

Did he miss me all those years?  Does he regret missing me pulling my first tooth? Does he regret not being there at the school plays? Not seeing me be baptized? Not knowing or caring if I was in church? Not knowing if I was making all 'A's' in school or knowing if I ever learned how to ride a 2 wheeled bike without training wheels? Does he wish he'd have been there for the Father-Daughter dances I never got to attend? Did he ever think about these things then...does he think about them now?  Does he know how I used to pretend he was out of town for business....or on grand adventures overseas as a secret agent ......I used to pretend these things to ease the pain of not being wanted.  Of being left behind.  Discarded like an old dirty sock....tossed aside. Because that's how I really felt.

I have wondered through the years what it was that made him want to leave.  Was I a bad child? Too much of a burden? Too needy? Too _______?   I don't even know what to put in that blank. Over the years, I've tried to fill it with every adjective I could think of to describe myself.  What was wrong with ME that made him not want me?

It affected all my relationships with men throughout the years. I would smother any guy I was dating with attention and gifts....trying to make SURE I was the nicest, the best, the sweetest, the most giving, the most AMAZING girl they could ever imagine.  Usually, it resulted in scaring them away.....how needy and desperate I was for their love!!!  The first....oh....say,  20 years of my marriage, I spent in paralyzing fear that my husband would figure out whatever it was that my father knew about me and he'd leave me too.  I'd imagine scenarios in elaborate detail and then cry for hours because I was afraid they'd come true.  It's a wonder (and a blessing straight from heaven) that my husband didn't leave based on my insane emotional state alone!! 

I have always thought of myself as "flawed."   Something was wrong with me.  Something that made me not be desirable.  Not worth anything.  Not lovable.  Not worthy of being loved. Not wanted.  Not enough.  Maybe too much?  Maybe too weird.  Maybe too needy.  Not pretty.  Not worth sticking around for.  Not smart enough.  Not good enough.  Not lovely. Not nice.  Not quality.   The note he left my mom said that he wanted to leave because he "didn't want to be tied down."  Whatever the heck that means.  Tied down.  I was just someone who was in the way. A ball and chain around his ankle that weighed him down. A responsibility. A burden. Heavy.

I've worked my entire life to become MORE....to become someone that someone would WANT to be with.   I studied hard.  I made all A's in school.  I dieted.  I tried to wear make-up to look beautiful. I went to church. I tried to be good.  I tried to be nice.  I tried to be likable, lovable and sweet.  I was obedient.  I wanted to please EVERYONE.  I always went the extra mile. I worked harder than anybody else.  I wanted to be accepted......but my desperateness was awkward and off-putting.  I was not popular..........unless someone wanted to copy my homework or get me to do something for them.   It seemed that the harder I worked at being likable....the less likable I became. 

Even now, as an adult.....the past still haunts me.  My father has a relationship with my sister over the years...but not with me.  He reaches out to her; he knows and loves her children.  He only met mine a few times.  He doesn't send them cards on their birthdays or even acknowledge mine. Don't get me wrong.... I don't want cards and presents from him...I just want him to know I'm here.  I want to know that he cares at least a little about me.  But now, there have been over 30 years of silence and distance.  He never saw my children graduate, he never came to a single one of their dance recitals or a single soccer game. They never saw "Grandpa" on holidays or went fishing or any of the other cliche things that Grandpas are supposed to do with their grandchildren.  I hurt for their loss too. 

What is it that makes him want my sister and her kids but not ME and MINE? What is so terribly wrong with ME?

I realize that in many ways, I've transferred my feelings towards my father to God.  I wonder if God can really want me, love me or cherish me.  I've wondered if I continue to sin (and as long as I'm human, I surely will)....will he just abandon me too? I have wondered if I'm good enough for God to love me.....and the answer is... OF COURSE NOT.  But He loves me anyway.  Not because of my goodness, but because of His goodness.  It's hard to understand the role of God as my "Heavenly Father" because I've had such a poor example of an earthly father.  I've lost count of the times I've tried to pray though that and the times that God's mercy has shone through like the warming sun to ease my mind, to sooth my faltering fears and wipe away my tears and give me the grace and strength to pick myself up for another day.

It still hurts.  I've prayed and prayed for years for a way to forgive him.  I've said the words a thousand times.  I've cried oceans of tears of repentance over the way I feel towards him.  Almost 40 years and the pain is still raw and sharp and it cuts into the deepest part of who I am.  It's shaped who I am.  There's no way to escape that.  It's the root of many of my deepest fears and insecurities.  And oddly, it's part of what makes me who I am.  It's what gives me a sense of independence and  feeling that I can get through the hard times.  I can lean on God for my identity and look to Him for my love and acceptance. 

And I can look at the way my husband has been such an example of a Godly father to my two children...and I can be thankful for that blessing.  I can finally understand God's love as a Heavenly Father to ME because of the way my husband loves our children.  I get it now!!!  And I am overwhelmed by the sweetness and the tenderness of being able to experience that through Steve's relationship with our own children. 

I do forgive my father.......I will say it again.  I forgive him.  I don't want to harbor bitterness and resentment any longer. I want to be free from the hurt and the loss......we may never have a close relationship, and I have come to terms with that.  But from here on out, I will not resent him, hate him or think of him with bitterness.  I will probably never understand his decision to leave us and I will probably never understand how he feels about all of it.  And yes, there will still probably be times I will long for a father's love...........but Lord, let me be satisfied with all the blessings you have given me instead!  Blessings all mine, and ten thousand beside!