Resist my Emotions

My emotions.  What a minefield!!  What are my most consistent emotions?  Now that's a quandary.

I saw a pin on Pinterest the other day that cracked me up because it was so right on the mark about how I feel about myself most days.  It said, "I have really low self-esteem, but I still think I'm better than other people."    Ouch.    I really do struggle with low self-esteem.  There are days when every word that comes out of my mouth sounds so insipid and dumb that I just beg myself to stop talking.   There are days when I feel clumsy and geeky and awkward and out of place.  There are days when I feel ugly and unattractive and incompetent.   But even on those worst of days........I still feel like I have to do everything myself because I can't trust anybody else will do it correctly.   What a contradiction!  Makes no sense!

I've had a life-long battle with depression.  I took medicine for it for years.  I've been med-free for about 4 years now and I'm managing.   I actually think I'm doing a little bit better.  I still have the occasional crying jag - and occasional down days, but then again - who doesn't??  

Is loneliness an emotion?  Because I do find that I am quite lonely these days.  I miss having my kids at home. My husband travels a good bit and when he's gone and I'm home all alone, those are the hardest times for me.  I tend to "go to the dark side" a lot faster and stay there a lot longer when left to my own devices.  Even when my husband is at home, when he is involved in his own activities, like watching his scary movies or something else that I don't enjoy - I've had to come up with activities to keep me busy so that I don't get down in the dumps.  I've recently taught myself to knit on a round loom and I've been trying my hand at some crafts and painting.   I've been reading a lot and taking a ton of pictures.  I spend time cooking and baking.   If I keep my mind busy, it doesn't get as dark.

I also have times of just contentment.  Is contentment an emotion?  I think so.....like a quiet joy. All is well in my immediate world.  I count my blessings and realize that I have so much...my husband, my home, my heath, my career, my friends.....blessings beyond my wildest imaginations.  I feel loved and happy.  Genuinely happy.  Peaceful.  Content.

I have times of overwhelming joy too.  Like when we went hiking and I was able to hike for 2 1/2 hours over a steep and rocky trail.  It was hard, but when we finished, I felt so happy!  When we climbed Lombard Street in San Francisco, I felt the same way when I finally struggled and got to the top....victorious! Little personal victories.  Sometimes, I feel the same way just looking at the wonders of God's creation- a foggy morning, mist over a field, birds flying over a pasture with fresh bales of hay, horses running with their manes flowing in the wind, the majesty of mountains, the gentle rolling green hills, the strength of an old, gnarled tree, sunrise, the ocean, seeing laundry fluttering in the breeze on a clothesline.....all of these things touch me deeply and make me feel joyous.

I feel afraid sometimes.  Not very often - but sometimes.  I am mostly afraid that someone I love will suffer. Sometimes, I'm afraid bad things will happen.  Mostly, I'm afraid of the unknown.  I feel afraid because there is evil in the world and I'm helpless to stop it.

Sometimes I feel competent - like I can accomplish whatever I set out to do.....and other times, I feel so completely the opposite....like everything I touch turns to ash.

I usually feel loving - and caring - and nice.  But sometimes I don't.   Sometimes, the thoughts I have are not very loving, caring or nice at all and I just feel mean and nasty.  I don't like those days at all.  

Sometimes, I just feel completely out of sorts - irritable, mean, nasty and all I want to do is be alone and feel miserable.  Wallow in the misery.....sigh heavily and lament woefully.   I want to be alone- maybe take a bubble bath and just go to bed early.  

Sometimes, I feel outgoing and fun!  I want to be with friends, go places, do things and laugh.  I want to dance and shake my groove thang.  (Okay, truthfully, I can't even REMEMBER the last time I shook anything.....especially not in public!!).   But I feel like I WANT to from time to time.

I suppose my emotions are like a can of mixed nuts.........or kindda like Forrest Gump's Momma always said -they are "like a box of chocolates - ya never know what ya' gonna get." I guess it just depends on mood, circumstance, experiences and timing.  Do I resist my emotions?   Not so well.  I try to put on my "poker face" from time to time......but I'm not sure how effective it is.  I don't think we really SHOULD resist our emotions - that probably leads to deeper rooted problems.  I think I even read somewhere that depression is just misdirected anger.  Which is probably why I struggle with it so much. I have never done "angry" very well.  'Depression' I have down to a fine science....but 'angry' still mostly eludes me.

How we feel is how we feel, I suppose.  It's neither good nor bad....it just IS.   It's what we DO about how we feel that makes the difference.  To quote the Borg, "Resistance is futile."