What I see, looking back at me!?!

I wasted so many, many years of my life avoiding cameras and being so ashamed of how I looked that I would often say home, rather than present myself for public scrutiny.  I felt so huge, so overweight, and so unattractive, that I waaaaaay overestimated the importance of how I look to other people.  I was so miserable in my own shell that I couldn't imagine anyone else having a favorable reaction to the way I looked.  Looking through photo albums of my family vacations and milestones like birthdays and holiday celebrations....there is one thing missing:  ME.   I was always the one behind the camera....for fear that if I allowed someone else to man the camera, my gargantuan features might accidentally be captured on film for the world to see and judge.  If I didn't appear on film, then I remained invisible, right?  Oh, such silly vanity!!!

I thought I was over that.  It took drastic measures........having bariatric surgery and losing almost 100 pounds to face down the demons that had tormented me since.....oh, around the age of six.....when my well-meaning mother first put Slender and Figurine bars in my school lunch box because she told me that I was getting too fat.

In the last two years, I have been featured in more photographs than in the past 20 years combined.  I thought I was past the shame, the misguided fears......the vanity....of not being photographed.  And then, the other day, I  was getting ready to go out with some friends and my husband for a nice dinner and I made an extra effort to dress nicely....I styled my hair and I put on make-up!  The full-Monty make-up....eyeliner, eye-shadow, blush, foundation, concealer, and even lipstick. I felt pretty!  I felt glamorous!  Womanly.  I looked in the mirror and I thought.....'NOT BAD!"   So I clicked a selfie pic, thinking it would make a great profile picture for my FaceBook page....and then I looked at the evidence.   And I was shocked.  And not in a GOOD way.

The image in my mirror was a LIAR!!!  I did NOT look pretty or glamorous.  I looked OLD.  I looked TIRED.  Dark circles under my eyes.....lines around my eyes and mouth.  My eyes were dull and not sparkling.....they were bloodshot.  I went from 'Hello!' to 'Oh, NO!' in less than 60 seconds flat.  And then I felt defeated and I no longer looked forward to a fun evening out.  I wanted to stay home, change into my pajamas, wash my face, apply an entire bottle of Oil of Olay, eat a gallon of ice cream on the couch and watch re-runs of 1980's sitcoms.  In other words....I wanted to have a giant, sad pity-party. Alone.

Thankfully, I had already RSVP'd to the event and other folks were going to be there waiting on us to arrive....so I had to buck it up and just accept that I am getting to be "of a certain age" and just go.   I am so glad I did.  I ended up having the best time I've had in ages and once I forgot to dwell on how pitiful I thought I looked, I relaxed and even went back to feeling slightly glamorous and pretty for a while.  I was dressed nicely.....I was at a very nice restaurant....I had a good looking and attentive and loving escort (who, for some wacked-out reason, thinks I hung the moon and loves me BECAUSE (and not  in spite of) the fact that I am me!).    During the course of the evening, the camera phones came out and I allowed a picture of us to be taken.....and you know what?   It was a GOOD picture!!!  I made it my new profile picture!  In the picture, I was feeling happy and loved and I was having a great time.....and you know what?  It shows in the picture!!! Do I still look older?  Well, yeah.....but it doesn't matter.

Maybe I'm finally moving past the vanity and pride and can accept that I am more than what I see in a picture or in the mirror.  I am so blessed!!! I am loved! I have precious friends! I have a healthy and loving family!  My life is amazing beyond my wildest dreams!!! This is what I need to see when I look at my reflection.  But I still bought some "Overnight Miracle Recovery Cream" and "Under-eye Rejuvenating Cream" this weekend......you know.....just in case.   ;)