Amanda's Goals for 2016

It's time time of year again.  The week between Christmas and New Years Day when I set aside a good chunk of time and energy to review my life and progress of the past 12 months and look forward to the new beginning offered by the new year.

The New Year has always been some what of a exciting adventure for me.  The idea of it anyway.  I love the "Clean Slate"....the "Do-Over"....the grace afforded by a new start.  It's the same for me when I get an empty journal, a new notebook, and on a smaller scale - every Monday for a new week and on a even smaller scale - every morning when I open my eyes and get to begin a new day.   Too often, I find myself dragging yesterday's baggage into the new day....which I don't really have to do.  I'm promised new mercies every morning.....I just have to believe by faith.

So, we are approaching a brand new year.  12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days.....all full of possibility!!  What do I want to do with my life in 2016?  I have actually given that a great deal of thought.  Here's where I came out after all the thoughts and ideas were shaken down and processed into 10 bullet points:

1.  I will not have a victim-mentality any more.  It's so cliche and pathetic.   I get so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself sometimes that I get on my own nerves - so I can only imagine how my close friends and family feel about how I behave. Sure, my adult children make choices I don't agree with that that puts our relationships at odds sometimes, but I still love them.  Sure, I have some chronic health issues, but I take my medication.   Sure, I will always struggle with my weight, so I eat my veggies.  Sure, I did not have the idyllic childhood with 2 steady, dependable parents.  Sure, I have some deep-seated emotional and mental issues related to past hurts that will likely never heal  And sure, I have issues with self-esteem and will likely struggle with this until my last breath.   But I can't let these things define WHO I AM NOW.   Bad things happen....and will continue to happen.  I can't control what has happened to me - but I can control my reaction to it.  I can either chose to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self-pity (an exhausting choice, as I can well testify) or I can chose to rise above it.  How I react to what has happened is something that I have to own myself.....the days of blaming someone else are long-past.  I'm an over-comer!  Best be starting to acting like one.

2.  Fearless!   I want to be fearless!!  I have overcome a few pretty deep-seated fears in the last few years - and OH, how freeing it feels!!!  I still have plenty of fear-demons to stare down and I intend to do it this year.  I don't mean that I will engage in reckless or dangerous activities....that would just be silly.  I'm talking about fears more basic than death-defying feats of strength and what-not.  I want to take a few calculated risks.  I want to overcome the fear of being different.  The idea of how I want to address this issue is still in it's infancy formation - but if I take lots and lots of baby-steps - pretty soon, I will have made some pretty wide strides.   I don't want to miss out on anything life has to offer!  A few risks I've toyed around with in my mind:  A.  dressing differently (I'm totally boring.  Scrubs or predictable dress clothes for work and t-shirts and Capri pants or jeans when I'm off work).  I need something jazzy- something memorable.  I don't mean immodest or revealing - just different from my every-day over-sized shirt routine.  B.  I might color my hair an unusual, wild color. Purple comes to mind.   That doesn't sound like a huge, big deal to most of you - but to me, it scares me senseless!  But it's just hair color, right?  I can always wash it out our change the color to something more suitable. C.  Trying new things (This past year, I conquered riding roller coasters and snorkeling 2 things I've avoided all my life because I was afraid!  What a waste!!)  Who knows what new things I want to tackle - but I do want to stretch a bit.

3.  Embrace Change!   I am one of those people who thrive on stability.  Left to my own devices, I'd life in the same house, keep the same job, and eat the same foods day after day.  But change isn't always bad......it really isn't something that should terrify me.  I should be able to "roll with it" and adapt.  Whether it be to a new job, a new city, a new home, a new set of friends.......or something as simple as a change in my daily routine or even the make-up that I wear.  Not just change for the sake of change - but change to keep me from becoming stale, stagnant, and too comfortable.

4.  Less on-line time, more REAL time.  I am so guilty of being glued to my ipad or computer screen waaaaaay too much of the time.   I need to take an honest inventory of how much time I fritter away scrolling through my news feed or browsing pins on Pinterest.....and I need to ask myself if it is worth it.  Time is a currency that once I spend it.....it is gone for ever.  I need to invest my time in things that will yield dividends - not in frivolous pursuits.  I'm not "giving up face-book" or swearing off Pinterest forever.....that would be madness at this point.  Hahaha!!  I do want to better budget my on-line time so that my real-life time takes priority.

5.  Self-Care .   A vague category that can encompass all of the health-related changes I need to embrace, including: diet, exercise, rest, sleep, prayer, recharging, treating myself gently, the way I "talk to myself" in my own head, and how I care for my body.  This body isn't getting any younger and some of the parts need more maintenance than they used to.  I should make a promise to get my "oil changed" every so many miles and to make sure I have sufficient tread on my tires and energy in my spark-plugs to keep on truckin.   (Thus ends my knowledge of auto mechanics, and thusly ends this very painful metaphor).

6.  Passion.   I need more passion in my life.  NOT that kind of passion, silly!!  (Tee-hee!!)  But passion for my daily activities.  So much of the time, I find myself simply "going through the motions" of work, of writing, of cooking, cleaning, etc.....that I lose the joy of the activity.   I'm so focused on reaching the finish line that I miss the joy of the journey.   I have my mind on 10000000 other things instead of what I am doing.  I need to drill down into my soul and tap into the things that make me happy. The things that click my buttons and turn me on, things that make my heart beat faster, and things I look forward to doing....these are the things I need to pursue with my whole heart....my WHOLE heart, not just half-heartedly.

7.  Socialization.   Whoo-boy.   This is an ouchy-one for me.  I am very introverted most of the time.  I can "fake-it-till-I-make it" in most settings......but deep down, I'm most comfortable at home on the couch with my husband and my puppy dog.   But on the flip-side,  I am also terribly, terribly, horribly  lonely.  I miss having girl-friends to dish with, friends to share my thoughts, hurts, and victories with.  I miss having a "Squad."  (Okay - to be honest - I have never really had "a squad" - but Oh. MY. Lanta, how I want one! Doesn't that just sounds amazing??)   I will need to approach this one with baby steps as well.  Small outings, inviting folks over....putting myself out there. Risking rejection (....aaaaaaaaaand there's the ouchy part for me).  We are starting tomorrow.  We have been invited over to our neighbor's house for drinks.  And we are going to go!!  Even though it will be awkward and I won't know what to say or do.  Even if I say and do it all wrong - at least I'm trying!!  Maybe it will be fun!  In the very least, it's a step in the right direction for me.  And I need that right now. The isolation and loneliness has been magnified by the holiday season and it's been though.  Will I ever become a social butterfly?  Not likely - but at least I won't be a recluse.

8.  Creativity.   I used to be waaaaay more creative.  I used to play the piano; I used to draw.  I used to cross-stitch and I used to paint.  I used to arrange flowers and do crafts. I used to make and decorate cakes.  And now......now I'm a lump.  An unmotivated lump of quivering indecision and inertia.   So, to counteract the inertia - I have already lined up 2 projects that have deadlines early in the year so that I will hold myself to completing at least a few creative endeavours this year.

9.   Balance.   Work-life balance.  Diet-Exercise balance.  Treat- Work balance.  All work and no play makes Amanda a dull girl - but all play and no work makes me a poor girl.  So I need to strike a balance on the scales of justice and even out my life.  I get paid a salary to work 40 hours a week, but most weeks, it ends up being 50-60 hours a week at the expense of my family and rest time.  That's not balanced.  I diet and watch my food intake, but come home from work and collapse on the couch until bedtime.  That's not balanced.  I understand that regular exercise will help my pain and will help my weight-loss efforts, and will help my mental health and general outlook on life - but despite knowing all of these things - I would rather be a slug on the couch.  That's just not balanced.  I need to balance better.   It ties in with self-care and passion....and all of the other items on this list, really.  I feel like if I can get this one area under control, it will help smooth the transition for all of the others.

10.  Adventure.   Adventure - it's what my soul CRAVES.  We have at least 1 big trip on the books already this year - a British Isles Cruise including Paris has already been booked for August! for  12 nights and 10 port cities!! It's the trip of a lifetime!!   Not sure what other adventures this year holds - maybe a few weekend trips will be tucked in as well....but still in the planning stages. Lots of variables in the mix - but we will use the variables to our advantage and see where the winds take us!  Also, we will continue to explore the areas around us.....plenty to see and learn and experience in this wide-wide world!


So these 10 items are what I chose to focus on for the next 12 months.  Wish me luck, wish me well, and wish me love!!!  Happy New Year and Happy 2016 to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Review of 2015 Goals.........so far......

2015 GOALS

1.  Healing   I need to take better care of myself.  This includes fueling myself with healthy foods, getting enough water, limiting the toxic junk that I put in and on my body, exercising my heart and lungs and muscles, getting enough sleep and rest, not wallowing in self-pity or allowing myself to play the victim.  Now that I'm getting older, my body doesn't bounce back as quickly as it once did....and it's the only body I have (with the possible exception of the invention of better, bionic replacement parts). I need to nurture and care of myself a little more. 

I have made great strides in this area this year.  Not optimal success, but measurable success…..so I’m okay with that.  I’m a work in progress.

2.  Travel - My burning desire to see the world has not lessened....if anything, it has intensified!  I want to see it all!  On the trip-planner for this year so far:  Miami, Las Vegas, and Pennsylvania. 

Well, we didn’t make it to Vegas or Pennsylvania, but we did make it to Europe!  Which was much better!  We saw Spain, France, Italy (Roma and Florence), Kotor, Greece, and Amsterdam! We saw Miami a couple of times, actually.  And we explored a few other local cities near us, up and down the coast…and even in Central Florida, including Epcot, Bush Gardens, Magic Kingdom, and Animal Kingdom. We flew home to Nashville for Jaron’s wedding, and we cruised back to Mexico and Grand Caymen.   Not a bad travel year at all!!  We have scheduled next years’ big trip to The British Isles (including Paris!) Pretty excited about that!!  

3.  Mercy - Mercy for those who wrong me, those who irritate me, those who detest me, those who tolerate me.  Mercy for myself.....because I am often the worst offender of all of the above.  Unmerited Favor.  Undeserved Grace....forgiveness when it doesn't make sense.  Oh, how I need to both experience and extend more Mercy. Not in an unhealthy- no boundaries- kind of way, but in a loving and kind way.   Every single person is fighting a battle; every single person needs to be forgiven, understood, and loved.  I want to be a part of that.

Some days were better than others with this goal………….I’m still a work in progress in this area as well.

4.  Horseback Riding - it's been on my list for about 3 years now....a hold-over from my childhood, perhaps.......maybe this is the year?

Still no!!!!   Will have to carry-over again!

5.  Writing - I receive such a joy and an emotional release from the simple act of writing.  I have NO idea why this past year, when I needed joy and release almost more than I needed oxygen to breathe, I avoided writing and I avoided relationships and I avoided almost everything that could bring me the relief I so desperately sought.  I want to write more.....it doesn't even have to be deep and revealing.  I just want to experience the thrill of writing words on paper and seeing thoughts take shape!  Poems, Lists, Menus, letters, memos, notes, journals, blogs, notes of encouragement, cards, texts to tell someone that I love them.  I just want to express what's locked up inside me with words!

Yes, and No with this goal.  I have kept a gratitude journal…and a personal log of events – kind of like a diary…..my poor blog was sadly neglected.  I managed to send a few cards and encourage a few folks – but not as much as I had planned on. 

 

6.  Joy in The Journey - I want to experience joy on a daily basis.  No more waiting for the weekend; no more counting the days until vacation or a trip or an event.  No more surviving work days to get to the off days.  Because the days that I'm just surviving.....just enduring....just getting through....those are the days of my LIFE. These days precious minutes/hours/seconds that will be gone forever.  They are not something to be endured, to "get through" or just bear.....this is the only time I will get to share; to experience; to learn; to love.  I have wasted so much time waiting for better days.....I have missed so many small joyous moments waiting for the drama of big events.  My new goal is to find joy along the way....to look for roses to smell along the path....to slow down in traffic enough to enjoy getting to the place I look forward to going. 

I am getting better at this.  I have taken the time to slow down and realize that I should be finding more joy in every situation.  I’d like to say that I was 100% successful, but that’s not even possible…..but  I’m better than I was before – so that counts as success.

7.  Mindfulness  This goal goes hand-in-hand with finding joy in the journey.  I want to really, truly savor things and be mindful of each blessing.  I have rushed to get through work, rushed to run errands, rushed to eat, rushed to clean, rushed to do just about every task that I have to do and I miss so much in my hustle-and-bustle hurry!  How many, many times have I squandered the simple joys of feeling sunshine on my arms, a cool breeze in my face....I have given up savoring the rich taste of my morning coffee, stopping to breathe deeply to inhale the fresh scent after the rain, and cherishing the exchange of quiet smiles of the ones I love. I need to just S-L-O-W D-O-W-N and really experience things with all of my senses.  To be mindful of even the small, seemingly insignificant things and count them as blessings. How much richer my life will be!!!

Again, I am getting better at this as time passes.   I’m not where I want to be, but I’m farther along than I was and this is still my goal.

8.  Keeping in Touch - with my family across the globe, with far-flung friends who have moved, with family and friends who stayed put when we keep moving......remembering the good times, remembering the love and laughter we have shared.......and remembering to reach out to those special, precious people to let them know I'm thinking of them.  This is something I have neglected, but want to remember to do!  This year, I want to be more about interacting, engaging, and connecting and a LOT less about isolating. 

 

I did call my Mom almost every single day;  I spoke with my sister more.  I have to let the kids drive our correspondence so I’m not too needy with them…..but I have reached out to a couple of far-flung friends.  Not too bad for this goal

9.  Banishing Fear - Fear of being alone; Fear of being wrong; Fear of loss;  Fear of missing out; Fear of failure;  Fear of the dark; Fear of FEAR itself.  Fear of just about everything.  I am tired of being afraid. Adventures, Risks, and (controlled) Danger.....I am seeking you out this year!

I rode roller-coasters. More than one.   I got lost in a foreign city in France – where I didn’t speak French and I didn’t think I could make it back to the ship…but I did.   I snorkeled!! With my face in the water and I saw THINGS!!!  I managed a mine-field of sea-urchins (albeit with a few tears and LOTS of fear).   I ate weird foods: snails, alligator, muscles, sushi, frog legs…..and I liked most of them!   I stayed by myself and was only a wee-little bit afraid.  Slowly, but surely….facing those fears!

10.  Continuing to navigate the mine-field of parenting adult children - Still struggling with how to interact with my kids, now that they aren't kids anymore.   They are adults: living adult lives, doing adult things, and making adult decisions.  That I often don't agree with, believe in, or endorse.  But I still love them with more than my whole heart.  And I want to support them and encourage them and still have a relationship with them.  And it's hard.  And it hurts.  But it's worth it.

It doesn’t seem like I can spin all of these parent-adult-child plates at the same time.  One or the other tends to wobble and threatens to break.   It’s so difficult.   Sometimes I get it right…..but often I am left feeling resentful, sad, and broken-hearted.  There were some glittering moments of perfection, lots of ups and downs, and some outright nose-dive wrecks.  But it was still worth it.

11. Marriage - My marriage is precious. It is my shelter from the world, a refuge where I am safe and loved - no matter if I'm getting older, uglier, fatter, or crazier.  I want to feed and nurture my relationship with my amazing husband.  It just seems to get sweeter and sweeter as time goes by.  Our love grows deeper, more mature, and has endured more trials.  I want to acknowledge him more....show him that I love him unconditionally and without reservation.   I want him to experience the sweetness and romance that he bestows on me.  His thoughtfulness, his playfulness, his gifts and acts of service and words of love.......I need to be better at expressing all of these things back to him.

It just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. 

Childhood Christmas Seasons

I still get nostalgic when I think back to all of those growing-up Christmas times.   Sure, there was a time I believed in Santa Claus, but I honestly don’t remember that far back.   My memories begin around elementary school age and those are the best ones.    I loved the Christmas coloring pages  that our teachers mimeographed and handed out to the class – still warm and smelling inky with that blue mimeograph smell.   I loved outlining the pictures first, then coloring in the pretty pages.   We would also do find-a-word and other word puzzles with Holiday themes.  We would make crafts to give our parents as gifts…..thick with white glue and magical sprinkles of glitter……clothes pin reindeer, coke-bottle Santas, felt elves stiff with glue…..all ready to hang on the Christmas tree!  Classroom parties with brightly iced cupcakes, red fruit-punch and pretty decorated cookies.  Our teachers almost always gave us a gift of pencils with our names on them!  OH, how I loved those personalized pencils that were MINE, all MINE!!! I’ve always had a particular yen for school supplies. 

Church was one of my favorite parts of Christmas.  I was mesmerized by the Christmas plays and musicals and I loved the reverent, soft music and the joyful tidings of great joy to all people!  I loved the scent of the giant live Christmas tree that they would always bring in to the front of the church!  Does anything smell as good??   There were always little boy shepherds wearing bathrobes and sheets tied on with ropes.  There was always  a sweet little girl Mary in a white gown with a blue head-covering, lovingly clutching a baby-doll baby Jesus in a make-shift manger.   My Sunday school teacher would always make sure there was a present or two under the tree for me….a book, a doll, a bottle of nail polish, Tinkerbelle pretend make-up, puzzles, etc….  and every year……EVERY year, without fail.  The church gave out Christmas sacks.  The Christmas Sack contained different things…..but always, always had an orange, an apple, some nuts, and some peppermints.   Some years, there were other candies, crackers, treats……but always the orange, apple, nuts, and peppermints.  That combination of smells – along with the heady pine tree scent of the church Christmas tree will always, always smell like Christmas to me.   I loved singing Silent Night, O Come All Ye Faithful, and It Came Upon a Midnight Clear……..O Little Town of Bethlehem, Joy to the World, and Go Tell It On The Mountain, and Away in a Manger.   Even as a very small child, I could feel the palpable sense of hope and good-will at this time of year.  

I love the sound of the Salvation Army bell ringers as I go in/out of stores.   As a child, we lived behind K-Mart and I remember walking over there and hearing the tinkling ringing of the bell and seeing the red kettle for donations and I remember how much I wanted to give to children who had less than me.   That sound still inspires that wish…..that desire to help my fellow man.

My Dad left us when I was a very small girl, about 6 years old.  I don’t actually remember much about Christmas before he left.  My Christmas Memories are all after that age.  I remember my Mom, who worked 2 jobs…would save and put toys on lay-a-way at K-Mart and Otasco…she would save all year to make sure we had a good Christmas.  Christmas was one of the few times of the year that she was at home….and we would spend the night at home with her at Battlewood apartments.  We would put up a tree – usually a live one – not always pretty, not always store-bought (sometimes cut down from the side of an over-grown ditch) but it was always transformed into a magical tree by twinkling colored lights, glass bulbs, and lots of pretty, silver tinsel that we called “icicles.”  I remember lying in the floor in the dark, looking up into the twinkling lights, and dreaming magical good dreams and imagining all sorts of good things.  Everything seemed possible...and even probable under the glow of the Christmas tree lights. 

I loved, loved, and loved watching the Christmas specials on TV.  Frosty the Snowman, The Year without a Santa Claus, Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer, and Rudolph’s Shiny New Year.  Miracle on 34^th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, And of course......A Charlie Brown Christmas and How The Grinch Stole Christmas!  My Mamaw would make a big bowl of popcorn on the stove-top or a pot of hot chocolate for us and we would feast on these special treats and absorb all of the animated magic from the TV while we sat beside the magical Christmas tree. 

Another Christmas memory is thinking about all of our family’s traditional Holiday foods.   The turkey or chicken and home-made cornbread dressing, a giant ham basted in sweet glaze, beans, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, mac and cheese, and any assortment of other savory goods....but the REAL treat was the sweets and desserts.   Million-Dollar Pie, my Mamaw’s Dried-Fruit Layer Cake – stacked a mile high with precious dried fruit in between the luscious layers. My papaw’s favorite: Coconut and Orange cake – made in an 11 X 9 inch cake pain, thick with white, cooked frosting and moist orange-juice soaked cake layers.  Jello Poke Cakes, red and green sour balls made from jello packets and coconuts, homemade banana pudding, strawberry shortcake – also stacked high and served with plenty of whipped cream.   Pumpkin AND Sweet Potato pies, Chocolate pies with meringue on top, coconut-cream pies on tender flaky crust, Christmas Sugar cookies- cut out with my Mom’s red Christmas cookie-cutters shaped like Old Saint Nick and stockings and stars....usually decorated with red and green sugar-glitter and sprinkles.  Mamaw’s tea-cake cookies, chocolate-covered peanut-butter balls, and any other number of goodies.

And the sounds of the season!  Mitch Miller and the Gang was our perennial favorite!  I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Must Be Santa, Frosty the Snowman, The Christmas Song, and Silver Bells!   Theses songs are the very essence of my childhood Christmas.   We would sit on the couch and sing along with Mitch and the Gang.  Every year. 

At least one night in this magical season, Mom and Mamaw would bundle us up in our heavy coats and blankets and we would ride around town, looking for the best Christmas light displays!   Oh, how I loved Christmas light nights!!  Houses lit-up like magical gingerbread houses, Santa landing on roofs, prancing reindeer in the yards.....it always created such an anticipation of the BIG DAY! 

Speaking of anticipation......I can remember being tucked in early on Christmas Eve....so excited that sleep wouldn’t come for literally HOURS after we went to bed.  Giggling with my little sister, trying to guess what Santa would leave for us under the tree the next morning....and in our later years, straining to hear the crinkle of wrapping paper to again try to guess what was in our Christmas morning futures.  

How, how I missed those sweet, precious, innocent, and magical Childhood Christmas Seasons!!!

Christmas Eve Home Health Adventures

Nurses have to work on holidays.   This is a given.  While the rest of the world celebrates Christmas, Nurses show up for patient care because sickness doesn’t take holidays.  As a home health nurse, the week of Christmas is usually one of the busiest times of the year because hospitals and nursing homes do the annual Christmas “dump” of patients – most of whom aren’t really well enough or stable enough to go home yet – but the facilities have minimal staffing for the Holidays as well – so they discharge anyone and everyone they can.    So home care nurses are often over-worked and saddled with patients who have no business being at home in the first place.  

Cue the scene:   It’s Christmas Eve in the late 1990's…..a foggy, chilly day in Chattanooga – foggier still along the banks of the Tennessee River.  I have a busy schedule of 8 patients to see – strewn across approximately 200 miles of Hamilton County.   It’s late afternoon and I’m heading up to see a patient in Possum Creek, TN.  Yes, it  is a real place.  No, I’m not making it up.   Possum Creek is north of Soddy Daisy, but south of Bakewell – situated in one of the most beautiful, scenic areas in Northern Hamilton county.  It is a very rural area – no stop-light even.  No Wal-mart.  Not even a McDonalds.    Just pretty countryside, lots of forests, and a stretch of pristine lake-front fishing spots.  I enjoy seeing patients in Possum Creek because of the lack of traffic, the friendliness of the folks who live there, and the breath-taking beauty and scenic views.  The fog settling in over the landscape made the scene particularly beautiful just before Christmas.

This particular Christmas Eve, I was driving out to see a patient who lived at the end of a long and winding road;  the road was paved – but not well maintained.  Pot-holes made for a bumpy ride.  The fog drifted in and out across the road in lower lying areas in patches and it was a frosty kind of afternoon.  Very pretty, but cold.   I made it to my patient’s house.  She lived in a ramshackle little white house with a carport on one side and lots of trees.  There were car parts, boxes of stuff, and broken down cars dotting the back and side yards and car port.   The patient had some pretty bad arterial wounds on both of her feet and just come back from a prolonged hospital stay. 

 

While she was in the hospital, she had a bit of a “home invasion” situation….someone had broken into her home, ransacked the kitchen – spilling out all of the cornflakes out of the box, across the table and onto the floor;' they also knocked over the flour canister, ripped up the upholstering on her kitchen chairs, chewed on some wires to the telephone, and had defecated and urinated on almost every visible surface.   The marauding bandits were a family of brave raccoons.  Their masked faces and ringed-tails making them look like escaped prisoners indeed.  My little patient never missed a beat.  She just looked at me from under hooded, wrinkled eyes after relating the tale of woe and said, “You ain’t never smelt nuthin’ more nasty than coon piss in yer kitchen.”  I guess not. 

 

She was a woman of few words; slow to speak, thoughtful about what she was going to say.  As back-woods country as the day is long, but sweeter than the sugar the raccoons had strewn about the kitchen floor.  I enjoyed seeing her and enjoyed her country wisdom.

As our visit progressed, I was changing the bandages on the extensive wounds to her feet and she was tolerating it fairly well, given the amount of pain it caused her.  We were almost finished when her brother opened up the screen door near us, holding up a bloody stump of a dead squirrel.  He said, “Sissy, If’en I skin this here squirrel, will you cook us up some dumplins to go with ‘em?” 

My little patient was slow to respond, looking at him for a long, hard minute before she drawled, “Earl, whar’d you get that squirrel?” 

He answered very quickly, “I was on my ways over here and the truck in front of me hit ‘em!  I know he was fresh because when I got to ‘em, he was still a jerkin and I had to knock him in the head with a wrench to kill ‘em.”  

My patient shakes her head that she understands and slowly responds, “Yeah, I reckon I’ll cook him and make up some dumplins fer dinner.”

I was fascinated with the exchange.  For yes....indeed, my Granny Clampet patient and her brothers were going to have road-kill squirrel for Christmas Eve dinner.   

I saw her again the day after Christmas and happened to remember to ask her how the squirrel and dumplins were....she acknowledged that it was “purty good.”   I asked her if there were any left-overs and she looked at me like I had sprouted 3 heads and slowly responded, ‘Nah.  Ain’t much eatin’ on a squirrel.  They’re real small-like.”   

Lesson Learned.

Waiting for the Wedding!!!!

How does it feel the day before my son’s wedding?  Exciting!  But I also have an over-arching anxiety that things will go well and he will have happy memories of this special day.  I am thrilled to be seeing far-flung family members, but also anxious that everyone will get along together and not cause a scene.  I know I can’t be the only one who feels the tension when extended family comes together.   My daughter is in the skies even as I type this….in an airplane high above the earth, zooming along at speeds exceeding hundreds of miles per hour……and in light of the scary news stories of airplane bombs, crashes, and disasters…..I am a nervous wreck and will be until she is safely on the ground again.   I have family driving in from 2 ½ hours away and I pray for their safety during the trip as well.   I pray for teenagers who have nasty, selfish attitudes and think that everything is about them…..when all I want is for this special day to be all about my son and his new wife.  I am holding my breath that they don’t cause ugly scenes.   

I am excited that my son has found his love….they have dated for a little over 4 years and have been engaged for the last year.   He is genuinely happy and excited about starting his new life as a married man.  He has  been wanting to wear his wedding ring since he got it a couple of weeks ago and he has proudly texted me pictures of their wedding license…..all signed and ready to be official tomorrow afternoon as soon as the vows are exchanged!

I have been running around, trying to make sure that I look presentable and will not embarrass my son or family and I want to look as nice as possible because wedding pictures will be around forever.   I have been dieting like a fiend for over a month and haven’t eaten carbs in weeks and weeks.  I got my nails done last night, I picked out fancy shoes, I have the dress pressed and hanging in the closet and the rest of my clothes and spanx in the suitcase.   I Have experimented with make-up (and ended up looking like a hooker with black eyes) and I have experimented with my hair….which is basically hopeless at this point.  My approach to hair care is basically…I wash it and comb it and whatever it does is whatever it does.  It will not submit to curlers, flatteners, or even bobby pins.  After 48 years of fussing with it, I have learned:  it is what It is….which is usually some thing between scare-crow and flat-head-Fred.   I have a new purse to carry that matches my new shoes.  I have even worn the shoes at home while doing housework to try to get used to wearing a high-heel….but that might be hopeless.  I will at least make it through the ceremony…..but my body was not built to be carried around on stiletto heels.   (Not that my new heels are in any fashion “stiletto”….they are a very sensible 2 ½ inch heel….but they feel 10 feet tall to me…..because I tend to stick to  comfortable old-lady orthopedic type shoes that more resemble Brogans than fashionable footwear.     But, surely I can manage to get through a 2 hour period with the shoes on my feet without tripping or breaking an ankle.  Surely.  Please???? 

I had to get my dog ready to go to the kennel for the duration of our trip to Nashville and our post-wedding cruise with the kids.  I bagged up her dog-food last night and she was SOOO excited about that.  She kept looking at me with her little head cocked to the side, as if to ask me, “Mommy…..whattcha doin with my food?”   But it is bagged, tagged, and ready to go!   I had to love on her a little extra this morning and give her a few extra hugs and belly-rubs.  I know she doesn’t understand that I was telling her that I would miss her…..but she did lick my chin and act like I was her favorite person EVER.   Does anybody else cry when they say good bye to their dog for a week?   I’m afraid I’m becoming one of those crazy ladies. 

Speaking of crying…I’ve done way too much of THAT this week.  I made a little locket for Jaron to wear inside his label during his wedding….it has a picture of my Grandmother – our Mamaw.   I know she would be so proud of him and would have been there, sitting on the front row, cheering him on if she was still with us.   This way, she will be there with him – right over his  heart.   I got all choked up, thinking about her…thinking about him….and missing and grieving.   Grief gets better with time, but it never quiet goes away. All it takes is one thought, one smell, one memory…..and I’m crying like Niagara Falls.

So, what do I do next?  Look back through all of  Jaron’s baby pictures…remembering the day he was born and the day I brought him home from the hospital….the day he was potty trained, the day he started kindergarten, the day he got expelled from kindergarten, the day we were told that he would have to repeat kindergarten because of his behavior issues, the day he FINALLY started first grade, the day he learned to ride a bike, the days we laughed at his crazy antics and jokes, the days we cried with frustration over his behavior and the consequences of his poor choices, the nights we stood over his bed while he was sleeping – praying for him.   And of course, I cried.  Big- Ugly cried.   Snot-flying, face-swelling-up-eyes-red –for-days cried.  

I cried because of all the past pain, all the past joy, all the past moments in between. I cried because I miss that little freckle-faced boy……and because I’m so happy that little freckle-faced boy is now a 6’2” young man. I cried because I am so happy that he has found peace and happiness and purpose.   I cried because I love him with a love so fierce.  

I am a hot mess of crying.  I need to get a grip….because I’m running out of make-up and Kleenex and I’m about to wash the contacts right out of my eyeballs with all these dumb tears!   I’m not sad in the least – I am thrilled!  And happy!  And excited!  And anticipating!  And, and, and, and, and………

 

The funny thing is that I'm not the only one in our family who is all twitter-pated.   Steve freaked out last night....sending Jaron a message to set his alarm clock to get up this morning in order to check into his flight for Saturday morning at 7:40am.   Turns out.....Jaron doesn't HAVE a 7:40am flight to Nashville tomorrow morning - he is already IN Nashville.   Only Steve and I have a flight at 7:40am tomorrow morning  - to get us TO Nashville!  Hahahahaha!!!  I'm not the only one excited!!! :)

How many minutes until tomorrow? 

No Crying over Spilled Milk

WHOEVER said that there was no use in crying over spilled milk had never spilled an entire gallon of milk into the trunk area of a (rear engine)  brand-new, leased BMW Z-4 convertible.   It was 30 seconds of poor judgement a year ago.....and I'm still paying for that lapse in judgement today.  

On a warm October evening here in Pinellas Park, Florida, my husband was coming back form a business trip to Washington DC.  I decided to make a last minute trip to the grocery store to stock up on the essentials so that I could surprise him with a nice, hot, home cooked meal and homemade brownies waiting for him upon his return that night.   I had worked 12 hours already, stopped by the grocery store, and was putting groceries in the trunk of my car.  It was the first time I'd been grocery shopping in my new car....and the trunk sure didn't hold a lot.....not if I wanted to put the top down.   But there seemed to be plenty of room on the sides of the trunk....and it was very dark in the parking lot......so I couldn't see the warning stickers saying "Don't place any item here."   So I loaded up the truck, returned my shopping cart and hopped back in the car.   I turned on the engine and pushed the button to lower the top of the car.   All of a sudden, I heard the loudest GUNSHOT I'd ever heard!!  My entire car shook.  I just knew I'd either been shot or a car had run into me at a high rate of speed in the parking lot.  I was stunned.   And then I heard what sounded like water running.   It took a good minute for me to realize what had just happened.

The mechanism that lowers and raises the convertible hardtop takes up the room where I had placed my gallon of milk.   And as the mechanical arm came down with it's hydraulic pressure, it crushed the plastic gallon of milk, causing the loud boom and the power of the impact of the explosion had shaken the whole car.  I was stunned.  I got out of the car and looked at the trunk.  White liquid was running out of the back and had splattered EVERY. WHERE.  My groceries were milk-soaked.  The carpeting in my trunk was milk soaked.  And what I didn't understand at the time.....the milk was dripping, seeping, and leaking down into the engine compartment and into the hydraulic pump for the convertible top.

SO.....I did what any normal female would do in this situation.  I started crying.  Hysterically.  In the parking lot of the grocery store.   An older lady stopped to see if I was hurt and if she could help me. I was squalling.  Not just crying....not just a few dainty tears....I was snot-bubble-blowing- can't-catch-your-breath- sniveling-snorting bawling.   I think I was trying to explain what was happening....and I must have added in some where along the rambling, sobbing tale,  "My husband is going to KILL me!"  Because that ONE phrase was all she zeroed in on.   She kept asking me questions like..."Sweetie, does your husband hurt you?  Does he hit you?  Do I need to call 911?"   I came to my senses long enough to realize that she had entirely the wrong idea about what was going down.....and I had enough sense to thank her for her kindness and then put the top back up and high-tail it out of Dodge before the police arrived to arrest my poor unsuspecting, non-abusive husband.

As I hit the button to raise the top back up, the top came up.....and about a third of the gallon  of milk showered INSIDE my car as the now milk-soaked headliner in the roof snapped back into place above my head.  Now, not only was my trunk milk-soaked, but the entire interior of my car was milk-soaked....along with my hair and clothes.   I'm pretty sure I washed the milk off my face with the steady flowing river of tears I was still crying.   I stopped off at the Dollar General store at the end of my street and bought 2 cans of heavy-duty carpet cleaner, 2 cans of carpet fresh, a bundle of microfiber towels, and a bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol (Because evidently completely ruining a brand new expensive car and then incessant crying makes my head hurt).   I was still crying when I made it to the checkout and the guy working that night looked at me kind of worried.....asked, "Ma'am, are you okay?  Do you need help?"   To which I sobbed....."No thank you, but thank you!  I just spilled a gallon of milk in the trunk of my brand-new car and I need to go clean it as soon as possible."   He looked at me like I was from Mars.....but at least he didn't question me further and (as far as I know) he didn't call the cops.  

So I got home and carried in my soggy groceries.   I dried off and salvaged what I could.....but a box of bran flakes and a 24 pack of toilet-paper just do not stand up to a soaking in a grocery bag bag full of milk.   Everything I took out of the bags was covered in milk.  I soon remembered that milk has lactose.....a sugar.  So everything was also incredibly STICKY too.    After the food was safely in the house......I went back out side to survey the damage in the car.

I opened the trunk and use an entire roll of paper-towels  to sop up the milk.   Still not enough.  I lined the trunk with 2 giant beach towels and they soaked up milk until they were soppy wet.  I don't know HOW much milk was in that gallon of milk......but I know that it was more than a gallon.  It had to be more than a gallon.  That evil milk multiplied.  There was milk EVERYWHERE.   The carpet in the trunk was soaked.  The carpet on the top of the trunk - soaked.  The headliner in my car soaked.....which dripped down onto the carpet inside my car interior and it all became:  SOAKED.   I got the big giant garage fan and pointed it at my trunk.   I was still crying.

By the time Steve pulled into the driveway after his long work-day and then his long flight home....he found me standing in the garage, covered in milk and milk-sweat and tears and snot....my eyes swollen and blood-shot, my nose red and bulbous like a bizarre clown....staring at the back of my milk-soaked trunk like the whole world had ended.    He took one look at me and said very quietly, "What did you do?"

Which started off the water works again.  I had to confess my milky-sin and stupidity and in between sobs, apologize and cry some more.   To say that he wasn't happy would be an understatement for the ages....but that poor, old, kind, nosey lady at the grocery store had nothing to worry about.  He never even raised his voice.  He helped me clean up my mess in the garage from the clean-up attempts (and by this time it was near 11pm) and it was too dark to really see or do anything else..... so I showered to wash off the milk-sweat and tears and we went to bed....where I promptly cried myself to sleep....a fitful and pathetic sleep full of milky bad dreams.

Over the next week....we tried to clean the carpet in the car every way we could.  We sprayed carpet cleaner and let it sit and then we scrubbed.  We Carpet-Freshed and vacuumed.  We  baking-soda'ed and vacuumed.  But it was October in Florida......and it was HOT.   And the milk started to smell.  At first, it was just slightly unpleasant......kind of like when a baby spits-up it's milk.   But as the heat and sun continued.......the smell became more and more unpleasant.   We rented a steam-cleaner.  We steam-cleaned the carpets and interior.....twice.    Then Steve thought to remove the floor of the trunk......underneath was the spare-tire well..... which was (surprise!) full of milk...which had by then turned and clotted into a soupy curds and whey in the heat.    Then he realized that the milk had seeped below THAT......and the BMW has a rear-engine......so the engine compartment was filled with milk.   Cottage cheese, really by this time.   Chunks of cheesy, foul-smelling debris.  Poor Steve took the pieces apart as best he could, washing each smelly part and clearing out the clotted milk chunks.  He even soaked the rubber pieces in dish-washing solution to clear the smell.    But still, my car smelled like i was hiding a dead body in the trunk.   As the days wore on, the smell became worse.

I couldn't even drive my car with the top up.  The stench was overwhelming.  I tried every air-freshener on the market. I had air-freshening gels, sprays, oils, buckets, pellets, strips, trees......I put dryer-sheets under the seats and sprayed Fabreeze everywhere.  Somebody told me to put tupperware dishes full of coffee grounds under the seats.  I tried it all.  Twice...to no avail.  I sprinkled baby powder.  I sprinkled carpet fresh again.....I kept a jar of Vicks Salve in the console to put under my nose so that I could drive to work and back (hey...it works on TV for homicide detectives when they have to deal with dead, decomposing bodies- so I thought I'd give it a shot!)

People would compliment me and say, "Nice Car!"  and I would nervously laugh, awkwardly and say, "Thanks!" and think......."Oh, if you ONLY knew!!"  I wouldn't let anyone ride with me.  I wouldn't go through a drive-through at Dunkin-Donuts to get my coffee because I didn't want anyone to smell how HORRIBLE my car was.    And then....we had to drive to West Palm Beach for my company Christmas party and we took my car.  We did okay.........the smell is only REALLY bad when  you first get in....you tend to get used to it as your nose-hairs burn out and all of your senses become numb after a while.   We made it to the hotel just fine.....until HORROR OF ALL HORRORS.......it was a ritzy hotel that REQUIRED us to Valet park the car.   Handing over the key to the Valet was the single most embarrassing moment I could remember.  The look on his face when he opened the door was priceless...he literally, physically backed up 5 feet from revulsion and the shock of the odor when he opened the driver's side door.  To this day, I wonder what the poor boy thought caused that horrific smell in our car.   Needless to say, we gave him a big tip.  

Winter came and went and the smell was lingering....but also mellowing some.  The fact that it was a bit cooler was of benefit, no doubt.   I bought these Heavy-Duty Odor-Absorbing jars of goo at Home Depot and they really did seem to help better than anything else we had tried.  I kept a jar in the trunk and a jar under the driver's seat and we made it to spring.  Spring brought the rainy season and as spring gave way to summer.....tropical daily deluges were not uncommon.   Then, the car took on a mellow-sour-milk and mildew kind of smell.......so I but 2 jars of deodorizer in the trunk and a jar under each seat....which seemed to really help.  

Then.....last week, I had ridden to work with the top down, as I usually do and I got to work and tried to put up the top up.  And it wouldn't budge.  Not a centimeter.   It was stuck.   I had to drive back home and put the car in the garage.....because rain was forecasted.  I called the dealership who said that their technician would be in on Wednesday....so we took the car down there......not really thinking that the milk would be the problem....I mean....it happened almost a year ago, right???  

Well, I got the phone call from the dealership saying that they thought water had gotten into the hydraulic pump of the convertible top......so they were going to have to order a new pump.  She said that with all the rain we've been having (record rainfall and flooding) that it wouldn't be uncommon for rain water to get into the system somehow.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  Rain water was covered by warranty!!  I got another call the next day, telling me that it was not WATER in the hydraulic pump system....but something very foul-smelling and very sticky with chunks of stuff in it...which was obviously caused by something being spilled into it....which completely voided the warranty.   The cost to fix?  A mere $1700 - plus tax.   But they did throw in a free car wash and an oil change while they were at it at no extra charge.  

So............a measly gallon of milk:  $2.79 at the grocery store and 30 seconds of poor judgement.... has cost me more than $2000 in total damages to a brand-new (LEASED!!) car.   And we still aren't finished.   The headliner in my car is still stained.  Despite 2 steam-cleanings and a bunch of  other cleaning nonsense that didn't work.  If we can't get the stain out....before I turn the car back in, I will likely have to pay to replace that too.  

So.    It will probably forever be TOO SOON for "got milk" jokes.  I haven't had a glass of milk or even a bowl of cereal with milk in it....in almost a year.  And I don't foresee me drinking milk in the near future. When I go to the grocery store now, I put my milk (and all other liquids!!) in a giant triple-ply plastic insulated bag and I put it in the front floor board of my car and prop it upright with other groceries.  Just in case it decides to "go rogue."

No crying over spilled milk.   A bunch of hooey.   Indeed.

The woman in the mirror

Have you ever looked into the mirror and found yourself wondering who on earth is that staring back at you?  Who is that old, bitter looking woman in the mirror and how did she get in my house?  That's where I find myself this morning.  Who the heck have I become and where did the "real" me go?


Granted, it's been a tough last year or so......but the woman I see looking back at me barely resembles the woman in the mirror a year or two ago.   This stranger looks scared.  She looks tired.  She looks worried and anxious and she looks sad.  She looks like she has lost something. 


What's happened to her? What's missing?  What caused this change? Can we reverse the time machine and fix her?


After almost a year in a job that chewed her up and wrung her out, she has finally admitted that it is time to move on.  The grass at the new company may not be greener, but at least it's a different pasture.  She has never felt so defeated in her career, so incompetent in her work and so mistrusting of her abilities.  She isn't afraid of hard work, quite the contrary...she views it as a challenge and usually rises to the occasion and meets the quest with enthusiasm.  But this time, she has been knocked down and kicked around and told repeatedly that she is not good enough, not smart enough, not experienced enough, not leader enough, not vision enough, not positive enough, and that she doesn't work hard enough.  Despite long hours, despite taking home work every day, despite every attempt to make it work.....it just isn't.  And the funny thing is.......in reality, it's not even that woman that's so lacking.  But in the end, it's her that is left feeling broken, inept, bitter, exhausted, and used.  Her heart needs some time to heal, to regain confidence, to remember who she is and what she stands for.


What does she stand for anyway?  She has forgotten along the way.   Faith has become wishful thinking; Gratitude and thankfulness has given way to taking things for granted.  Heartache, anxiety, and worry have replaced creativity and wonder.  Exhaustion has given way to inertia and indifference.  And I don't even  recognize myself any more.


Things I have worked so hard to achieve mean little to nothing to me.  I don't want to go to church any more.  I don't want to get up in the morning.  I don't want to go to bed at night.  I stare into the distance, not really seeing anything.  Life goes on around me, and I just sit like a lump.....wanting so badly to be a part of it, but not having the energy or motivation to even try. My healthy lifestyle that I had worked so hard to achieve is **poof** gone.  I have gained back 40 pounds that I had worked so hard to lose.  Literally blood, sweat, and tears and now, seemingly all for naught.  Exercising makes me physically nauseous....to the point of actually throwing up a time or two.  My bones ache.  My muscles ache. My eyeballs even hurt. My head aches and my heart pounds.   Exhaustion weighs me down so heavily that even the thought of exercising moves me to tears.  I half-heartedly force myself to climb up on the elliptical machine three to four times a week and actually have to MAKE myself move my body.  I know better.....I know that simple physics tells me that the more I move, the more I will be likely to move.....and the better I will feel.  But somewhere along the way, the promised exercise endorphins have lied to me and didn't show up for the party and now I don't trust them to show up at all.  So I'm a lump.  And I just want to curl up on the couch and not move. And not think.  And not.....be.   Can a person just be in a state of suspended animation for a while and then maybe wake up feeling refreshed and renewed?  Because that's what I need.


Church isn't my refuge any more. We don't even have a regular church now.  We have drifted from church to church, looking for the right "fit" but we haven't found it yet.  And it is so disheartening to keep going week after week.  The last church we visited seemed promising until we read their "what we believe" paragraph and realized that we could never be on-board with what they endorse. The church before told us that we were too old to serve in their worship ministries because we are over their "target demographic".......and here I thought that the church's target demographic should simply be sinners in need of a Savior?  Silly me.  The target audience was only sinners under the age of 30 for this specific church.  And it made me feel unwanted and unneeded and reinforced my already lethargic, sad and pitiful view of myself.  We visited other churches where we were the youngest folks in the room....and that isn't what my soul needs.  I long for fellow-ship with other believers....I long for friendships and prayer partners and someone to challenge and study with me, to call me out when I'm wrong and to pray me though my failings and to call me when they need prayer as well. I really miss that basic frame-work of the local church in my life.  I feel adrift in my faith and it has even caused me to wonder if I need to compromise my own beliefs to find a place to fit.....but in my heart, I know that's not really the answer.


I used to be a Mommy......which was a noble purpose and a high calling.  It was my primary identify and a role I took very seriously.  But my kids grew up, became adults, and moved away.  I have no one to mother any more.  My opinions are now intrusive and my advice is now unwanted.  I stand by and watch my beautiful adult children make poor choices and deal with painful consequences and there is NOTHING I can do about it.  We talk maybe every week....sometimes every other week or so....and the separation is physically painful.  Two rather large chunks of my heart have been ripped from my body....and they are walking around out in the world, very separate from me.  I have phantom pains...I miss them like I would miss an amputated arm or leg.  I look at old pictures and remember the happy times....and the not so happy times.  I remember how never-ending ever-endless problem seemed, but yet in retrospect.....how quickly the years flew by!!!  Now, I'm no longer a Mommy......I'm still a mother.....but only in the sense that I gave birth to them and raised them and set them free....but I'm not their Mommy any more. They are much too old to need a Mommy now. And that makes me feel sad, purposeless, and lonely.


My husband is the bedrock of my life....my safe-place;  my home is in his arms.  He loves me - despite knowing me better than anyone else in the world.  And that fact amazes me.  He knows the good, the bad, the ugly (and there is a LOT of ugly these days) and he still loves me.  He still holds me tight, he still kisses me, he still tells me he loves me, and he shows me in a thousand ways every day.  He surprises me with trips, with presents, with special events, with laughter, and with thoughtfulness.  My biggest fear is that he will think I am taking him for granted.  I love him with all of my being and don't want to disappoint him......and the woman looking back at me in the mirror fairly reeks of disappointment.  I don't want him to see her....I want him to see the real ME....but I seem to have lost her again. 


I'm searching.....making some changes..........this week, I am leaving a job that crushed my spirit, I am searching for a church,  I am reaching out to my adult children......and I am loving my husband.  Along the way, my biggest wish, my greatest hope....is that I begin to recognize the woman in the mirror again.  That I can find my way back to who I think I should be.  

Counting Blessings again.......

Nothing deep or philosophical today.  I just feel the need (from time to time) to list out little blessings, things that make me happy, things that make me smile.  It's good for me to recognize the little things as gifts and remember how rich my life really is.

Little things that make me happy:

• the fresh scent of clean sheets on laundry day
• the sound of children laughing as they play outside
• sweet hugs between friends where cheeks and hearts touch
• cupcakes with pink icing and sprinkles
• soft, fluffy pillows
• little girls with braids
• soft green moss on grey rocks
• pretty paper umbrellas and fruit in drinks
• cuckoo clocks
• little girls in white lace socks and black patent leather shoes
• banana popsicles on a hot summer day
• the comfort of yoga pants
• John-Boy Walton-style old manual typewriters
• The smell of warm, buttery popcorn
• Turning out a perfectly baked skillet of golden brown cornbread
• gingham and calico fabrics
• Hearing the words, "Hi Mommy!" when I answer my phone
• roadside fruit stands and curb markets
•  antique shops
• the act of grating fresh nutmeg.  I love the feel of it, the sound of it. the smell of it and the taste of it! 
• waking up before the alarm goes off in the morning and feeling rested
• the crunchy baked-on ketchup bits on top of meatloaf
• riding a bike with the wind blowing your hair
• the excitement of seeing a pony
• slicing and dicing vegetables.....it's empowering!
• the smell of crayola crayons and a new can of Play-Doh 
• eating with chopsticks
• Picnics!
• When you buy something and need to remove the price-sticker...and it all comes off in one big piece without tearing! Best feeling ever! 
• slow dancing to old songs
• getting a real hand-written letter in the mail
• looking at old photographs
• fingerwaves and other vintage hairstyles (Buy I draw the line at the bee-hive and the bouffant, however!) 
• Ladies gloves and dainty handkerchiefs 
• umami 
• relaxing with a glass of good quality red wine after a long day 
• Sweet potato cakes that my daughter picked out just for me
• writing with a nice, weighted pen
• freshly mown grass
• wood fires- the spicy smell and the crackling sounds and the mesmerizing flames
• nighttime choruses of crickets, peepers, croakers and cicadas
• the perfect weight of a sleeping baby in my arms
• lightening bugs at dusk
• hearing my husband's heartbeat when he holds me close
• sequins, lame', glitter, glitz, and bling
• fluffy, warm pancakes with melting butter and warm maple syrup
• kissing the soft, pink cheek of my daughter
• a soothing bubblebath
• little bottles of shampoo, conditioner and lotion from hotels
• taking off my high-heels at the end of a long-day 
• falling asleep when you first hit the bed...no tossing or turning
• getting "likes" on Facebook statuses and pics
• Greek Salads. They are seriously delicious.
• Sweet puppy kisses
• shooting stars and making wishes
• snuggles on the couch
• coming home
• anticipation
• trying new things
• knowing all the words to a song
• whipped cream
• sunshine after a rainy day
• my son's smile and twinkling eyes when he laughs
• riding in the car with the top down, letting the wind blow my thoughts around
• singing out loud
• icecream cones
• foggy mornings
• the way my husband always holds my hand when we pray
• handmade quilts
• breezes blowing curtains at the window
• school supplies
• coloring in coloring books
• old church steeples
• fern fronds
• steam rising from hot pavement after a cooling rain
• old barns
• rocking chairs
• fried bologna sandwiches with yellow mustard
• the smell of cedar
• tacky Hawaiian print shirts 
• birdhouses
• trips to the zoo
• pretty pink toenail polish
• lace doilies
• soft puppy bellies 
• rosebuds
• seersucker suits
• flipflops
• the smell of Pine-Sol
• hammocks
• daffodils
• Nelly-Olsen curls
• lemon curd on scones with clotted cream
• old dishes
• secret gardens
• clearance sales
• morning sunbeams
• fingernail moons
• feeling sexy
• wind chimes
• new tube of lipstick
• seeing the Big Dipper in the night sky
• sunrise
• dewdrops on spiderwebs
• finding 4-leaf clovers
• sunny yellow dandelions
• finding the perfect gift for someone
• tangy keylime pie
• cowgirl boots
• the first foot prints in fresh snow
• waterbirds that teeter around on ridiculously skinny legs
• the smell of an old book
• the softness of a watercolor painting
• making eye contact with my husband and not even needing words to know what he is thinking
• parasols
• tiaras and crowns
• waterfalls
• long, hot showers
• when dust dances in a beam of sunlight
• dainty teacups
• musicals - why can we all sing and dance together in real life? 
• swinging on the playground
• castles
• watching cartoons
• blowing on the fluffy white dandelion fly-away flowers after making a wish
• lipgloss
• good dreams
• fireworks
• fairies
• purple
• doggies dressed up in clothes
• walking barefoot through the grass
• when someone tells me that they saw something that reminded them of me
• wire baskets
• Snoopy and Charlie Brown
• the ocean
• worship
• rainbows
• warm cookies and cold milk
• when a pond or lake is so still and peaceful that it becomes a perfect mirror 
• when I can make someone else laugh
• blowing bubble-gum bubbles
• starfish
• old rock walls
• the goofy way people in infomercials can't do basic, common tasks (like peel a boiled egg) correctly
• eclairs
• horse and carriage rides
• cafe au lait 
• When people say, "hump daaaaaay" on Wednesdays
• watching my favorite tv series
• Making the perfect recipe
• Having the windows open at my house. Fresh air is wonderful!
• Free samples.  Doesn't even matter what of.  
• well-written prose
• when someone saves you a seat

Goals for 2015 - A Work in Progress

2015 GOALS




1.  Healing   I need to take better care of myself.  This includes fueling myself with healthy foods, getting enough water, limiting the toxic junk that I put in and on my body, exercising my heart and lungs and muscles, getting enough sleep and rest, not wallowing in self-pity or allowing myself to play the victim.  Now that I'm getting older, my body doesn't bounce back as quickly as it once did....and it's the only body I have (with the possible exception of the invention of better, bionic replacement parts). I need to nurture and care of myself a little more. 


2.  Travel - My burning desire to see the world has not lessened....if anything, it has intensified!  I want to see it all!  On the trip-planner for this year so far:  Miami, Las Vegas, and Pennsylvania. 


3.  Mercy - Mercy for those who wrong me, those who irritate me, those who detest me, those who tolerate me.  Mercy for myself.....because I am often the worst offender of all of the above.  Unmerited Favor.  Undeserved Grace....forgiveness when it doesn't make sense.  Oh, how I need to both experience and extend more Mercy. Not in an unhealthy- no boundaries- kind of way, but in a loving and kind way.   Every single person is fighting a battle; every single person needs to be forgiven, understood, and loved.  I want to be a part of that.


4.  Horseback Riding - it's been on my list for about 3 years now....a hold-over from my childhood, perhaps.......maybe this is the year?


5.  Writing - I receive such a joy and an emotional release from the simple act of writing.  I have NO idea why this past year, when I needed joy and release almost more than I needed oxygen to breathe, I avoided writing and I avoided relationships and I avoided almost everything that could bring me the relief I so desperately sought.  I want to write more.....it doesn't even have to be deep and revealing.  I just want to experience the thrill of writing words on paper and seeing thoughts take shape!  Poems, Lists, Menus, letters, memos, notes, journals, blogs, notes of encouragement, cards, texts to tell someone that I love them.  I just want to express what's locked up inside me with words!


6.  Joy in The Journey - I want to experience joy on a daily basis.  No more waiting for the weekend; no more counting the days until vacation or a trip or an event.  No more surviving work days to get to the off days.  Because the days that I'm just surviving.....just enduring....just getting through....those are the days of my LIFE. These days precious minutes/hours/seconds that will be gone forever.  They are not something to be endured, to "get through" or just bear.....this is the only time I will get to share; to experience; to learn; to love.  I have wasted so much time waiting for better days.....I have missed so many small joyous moments waiting for the drama of big events.  My new goal is to find joy along the way....to look for roses to smell along the path....to slow down in traffic enough to enjoy getting to the place I look forward to going. 


7.  Mindfulness  This goal goes hand-in-hand with finding joy in the journey.  I want to really, truly savor things and be mindful of each blessing.  I have rushed to get through work, rushed to run errands, rushed to eat, rushed to clean, rushed to do just about every task that I have to do and I miss so much in my hustle-and-bustle hurry!  How many, many times have I squandered the simple joys of feeling sunshine on my arms, a cool breeze in my face....I have given up savoring the rich taste of my morning coffee, stopping to breathe deeply to inhale the fresh scent after the rain, and cherishing the exchange of quiet smiles of the ones I love. I need to just S-L-O-W D-O-W-N and really experience things with all of my senses.  To be mindful of even the small, seemingly insignificant things and count them as blessings. How much richer my life will be!!!


8.  Keeping in Touch - with my family across the globe, with far-flung friends who have moved, with family and friends who stayed put when we keep moving......remembering the good times, remembering the love and laughter we have shared.......and remembering to reach out to those special, precious people to let them know I'm thinking of them.  This is something I have neglected, but want to remember to do!  This year, I want to be more about interacting, engaging, and connecting and a LOT less about isolating. 


9.  Banishing Fear - Fear of being alone; Fear of being wrong; Fear of loss;  Fear of missing out; Fear of failure;  Fear of the dark; Fear of FEAR itself.  Fear of just about everything.  I am tired of being afraid. Adventures, Risks, and (controlled) Danger.....I am seeking you out this year!


10.  Continuing to navigate the mine-field of parenting adult children - Still struggling with how to interact with my kids, now that they aren't kids anymore.   They are adults: living adult lives, doing adult things, and making adult decisions.  That I often don't agree with, believe in, or endorse.  But I still love them with more than my whole heart.  And I want to support them and encourage them and still have a relationship with them.  And it's hard.  And it hurts.  But it's worth it.


11. Marriage - My marriage is precious. It is my shelter from the world, a refuge where I am safe and loved - no matter if I'm getting older, uglier, fatter, or crazier.  I want to feed and nurture my relationship with my amazing husband.  It just seems to get sweeter and sweeter as time goes by.  Our love grows deeper, more mature, and has endured more trials.  I want to acknowledge him more....show him that I love him unconditionally and without reservation.   I want him to experience the sweetness and romance that he bestows on me.  His thoughtfulness, his playfulness, his gifts and acts of service and words of love.......I need to be better at expressing all of these things back to him.