I"m a hoarder.

Pretty sure I'm a hoarder.  Not the kind like on TV who is buried underneath years and years of old news papers and old empty butter bowls...….well, at least not yet.

I read all the research on how clutter leads to and feeds anxiety. And I thought...hmmmm.   I sure do have a LOT of clutter, maybe THAT'S why I feel so anxious?  So I read up on how to cull through my belongings and make piles "Donate" "Keep" and "Trash" and how to look at and hold each object to see if it "brings me joy" and I read about which is the best charity to donate to and I read about the joys and benefits of recycling and I was IN.  I was ALL. IN.

So I opened my first cabinet to start culling.  I figured I'd just rip off the band-aid and dig right in -so I pulled everything out of that cabinet and stacked it all up on my counter top so that I could really see what was in there and objectively figure out how much of a "JOY" score to assign to each piece.

The first things I put back into the cabinet were those things that have significant sentimental attachment for me.  Things that remind me of a special person, a specials time, a special place or feeling.....taking the time to hold each object and remember the circumstances and memories associated with each one.....outright laughing at some of the memories, smiling at others....and shedding a few tears over a few as well.

Remembering each person involved- one item was a gift from a friend that captured her personality perfectly and it makes me smile and think of her every time I see it.  we were once bosom friends and very close - but we both moved to different states and time went by and we grew apart......but every time I remember her, my heart is warmed by our memories and I miss her.   Can't get rid of that.  It means too much. Back in the cabinet it goes!

Next item - OH!  We bought this on a fantastic trip!  I remember those sun-drenched golden afternoons and the way the air felt and the laughter and remember the thrill of  exploring a new place and seeing new things!  This item embodies the very essence of that amazing vacation!!  Gotta keep that.  Back in the cabinet it goes!

This next thing is OLD.  I'm talking - I had it when I was in junior-high old. It belonged to a different me....a me who was unsure of the future and yet hopeful that I could be whatever I wanted to be.  It belonged to the me who sang into hairbrushes and wooden spoons with all the grace and style a pre-teen can project!  It belonged to the me who was still becoming - who was still figuring out who I was.....the young, innocent me.  She's still in here somewhere, I'm pretty sure? Maybe?  I'd better keep this. We have such a history...maybe I'll just put it in the very back of the cabinet.

Next item - Heart melts.  It's from when the kids were little. Like, little bitty (they are both adults now and long flown from the nest);  holding this makes my tear up a little - remembering the tiny, fun little people they used to be...maybe even mourning a little for the mom I used to be; that part of me has been lost to the passing of time but sometimes I miss her.  I miss the kids too. I stand there holding my object thinking about those long days of tying shoes, cooking dinner, chasing down homework, stepping on Legos and Barbie Shoes.....remembering mostly the good parts, forgiving the not so good and wistfully wondering how so much time could pass in such a flash.   This thing isn't going anywhere except back in my cabinet!

The next item belonged to my Grandmother.  My precious, sweet Mamaw.  Her hands used to hold this just like mine are now.  OH to feel the warmth of those hands on my face again. If only I could  look into her eyes one more time and tell her how much I love her!! But I can't....and holding something she once held is as close as I can get.....so obviously I will never part with this.  It was hers and now it's mine.  It's precious....a link to her love.  And I'm keeping it. Forever.

The next thing?  Oh goodness!  I got this at my bridal shower!  When our love was new and shiny and scary and hopeful!  So hopeful!  We've used this through the years and it represents how far we've come. How much our love has grown since those early days of uncertainty and naivety. Our love was so exciting and thrilling then.....and it's so much deeper and richer now - but the memory of those days is the foundation for our life together  now - so there is no way I can get rid of this!! We've had it for > 30 years now!  It's a keeper.  Back into the cabinet.

This next thing?  Well, it's new - but so fancy!  So delicate!  So NICE.  I was so proud when I found it at such a good price and brought it home! It's pretty and it's useful - so I will keep it in the front of the cabinet so we can use it all the time.

And this one - it's sooo cute!  It makes me giggle.  It's funny and fun and whimsical.  And I need some whimsy in my life.  This is good for the gray and gloomy days when my heart is low and my mood needs a lift! This will make me feel sooo much happier. Maybe it needs to be up front too - surely it will fit on that shelf!

This next thing isn't so much new, or even very pretty - but it's very sturdy and very serviceable.  It works and gets the job done.  It's one of my go-tos because it's reliable. It's good.  It works. It would be extremely foolish to do away with something that useful.  Back in there it goes!

And so I continue - until every blasted thing is back in that dumb cabinet and my "donate" pile is nonexistent and my trash pile contains only an empty gum wrapper and a bent paperclip I found in the back of the cabinet (and even the gum wrapper has some sentimental value if I dig deep enough! but even I'm not that crazy) Haha!

So.  This is how it will end for me. I have seen the future and it's not pretty.   I will eventually be buried somewhere inside my house under a pile of sentimental and useful old stuff that I can't bear to part with.   But I will be happy with my sweet memories and silly stuff......so I'm keeping it all.  It all brings me JOY and makes me HAPPY.   Maybe it feeds my anxiety?? But the thought of parting with my most prized worldly possessions makes me more anxious - so I'll just deal with it. Hahaha!

Hello. My name is Amanda. I'm a hoarder.