Never follow the advice you read in Cosmo. Ever.

Never, EVER follow any advice you read in Cosmo magazine.  Ever. NEVER.

It was a few years back now.  Well, quite a few years now, but who's counting?  My kids were in elementary school.... I was working 3rd shift in a small rural hospital in North Carolina and it was a slow night.  Somewhere between 2am-4am between patient rounds, I had some time to kill.  So I was thumbing through a stack of magazines someone had donated to the hospital waiting room.  (Hey, at 3am on a slow night in a mostly empty ward, a sleep-deprived nurse desperate to keep her job will do ANY thing to keep herself awake and alert and functioning)

So I browsed through about a gazillion articles about applying make-up and moisturizer and articles on painting an accent wall a bright color to highlight a room (Hey, it was the 90's! Don't judge!) and I read articles on tooth-whitening and child rearing and cancer scares...….and I even read the lame dad jokes in the 5 year old copy of Reader's Digest and took the vocabulary quiz.  I was running on stale hospital coffee and mere fumes at that point.

Then I came across a Cosmopolitan magazine.  I have pretty much always led a sheltered life - I was 18 years old when I got married and my husband is the only man I've ever slept with.....so most of the things in Cosmo did not apply to me in the least. I found most of it quite scandalous!  I was flipping through the pages at a pretty good clip when I came across an article that caught my attention.  I was hooked.

The article was about how to firm up your breasts!  And after developing these pesky bodacious ta-tas when I was in the 3rd grade and then breastfeeding 2 kiddos.... and fighting my weight my entire life.....well, let's just say that was a topic near and dear to my.....heart? Sure. Let's say heart.  

They listed some exercises.....some posture suggestions, some bra suggestions and then......one of the last suggestions they had was to do a "Breast-Firming Mask".....kinda like a firming facial, but not for your face.  For your boobs.  I was beyond intrigued!   I was like....yeah, yeah on the exercises (having grown up with Jane Fonda's exercise tapes) and posture was boring.....stand up straight (easy for them to say, they don't have 50 pounds of bosoms pulling them forward chin-first!) and always wear a bra.  Bra, Bra, Bra....since the third grade.  Done and done.

But this boob-facial thingy.....THAT was new!  That might work for me!  I could certainly use a little help in the old "firmer and perkier" department!  I read the article over and over again......memorized the sales-pitch and the promises of perky bosoms and I wanted sooooo much to believe in a world where that would happen for me....with an easy-peasy 20 minute magical breast-mask!

I was off the following night - so once I got home and dropped the kids off at school, I could run by Walmart and get the mask thingy and go home and use it, and still have time to take a nap before I had to get back up and go pick the kids up from school. This would WORK!  I made a list for Walmart and I was soooo excited for 7am to get there so I could put my wonderful plan in motion!

7am finally came and I whisked myself home and got the kiddos delivered to their respective schools and made my way to Walmart and pursued the skin-care aisle.  They had all KINDS of masks to chose from!  There was a mud-mask (that sounded too messy and kinda gross?), and some kind of milk-mask for moisturizing....but that wasn't what I was looking for......I finally found one for sagging skin!  YES!!!!!!!!!!!  The angels sang and the sun shone round-about and I knew this was the perfect one for firming up my saggy-baggy boobies!  It was a Sea Kelp and cucumber combination thing and it was bright teal colored. I bought the mask along with some a beautiful scented candle and I couldn't wait to get home and try that sucker out!

So I came home and decided that if I was going to do a spa-treatment, I should probably go all-out and make it a zen-like experience. Or what I imagined a "zen-like experience" would be like, as I had never actually experienced such a thing in real life!

I lit the candle and it smelled magical!  Like the beach! Since I  had a coconut-scented candle, I decided to put on my "Peaceful Ocean Sounds" meditation CD and make it feel like I was in a real spa!  My bedroom in our house then had a skylight over our bed and it was about 9am and the sun was streaming in through the skylight and it felt so warm and lovely - it was like actually BEING in the sunshine at the beach!

So I stripped down to my panties and bared my chest and mixed up the mask and I remember thinking how it was so beautiful! A beautiful teal color like the waves of the turbulent sea in sunshine (I remember thinking, poetically - because that's how I typically think - poetically)......this was going to be soooooo PERFECT!!

So I smeared the teal-colored goop from under my chin to my belly button, covering all the substantial real-estate in between.....all the peaks and valleys, nooks and crannies - all covered with the cucumber-kelp blue gel.  It smelled so good!  And it had s little bit of a tingle - I supposed that was to let you know it was working! It was WORKING! I was gonna have perky bosoms!!!!

The  candle was smelling so wonderful - like a Hawaiian Tropic dream.....and the Peaceful Ocean waves were rolling incessantly from my CD player and gently crashing on the sand and the CD even had distant sea gulls happily calling to one another - it was so realistic!!! And I positioned myself across the end of my bed on a big towel so that I didn't get the mask stuff on the sheets.....and I angled just right so the sun shone right down on me and warmed my skin and when I closed my eyes to relax for the 20 minutes the mask was supposed to take to dry.....I was able to relax and it felt just like I was laying on a beach towel in the sunshine at the beach! Oh, it was perfection, INDEED!

It was magical! So zen!  the ocean wave sounds, the aroma of the candle, the warmth of the sun on my skin, the tingling of the mask and the soft scent of it - it was all soo lovely!! I was so glad I read that article! I couldn't wait to see the results!  I just knew I would have perky bosoms once again!

I relaxed and enjoyed this magical spa session......which was nothing short of BLISSFUL after working a 12 hour shift with no sleep.  I relaxed!  I relaxed and felt like I was drifting on a cloud at the beach!!  I actually must have relaxed a little TOOOO much.

Because I fell asleep in that position.

.I was having the BEST dream EVER.  It was very sensual and lovely and it seemed SO real!! Until I woke up......to my horror I found my cat on my bed, licking the dried-up mask off my boobs.  I had evidently fallen asleep due to sheer exhaustion and had slept solid for about 4 hours.

I quickly scooted the cat off the bed and inspected the damage. The mask dried up and was flaking off in spots.....but where the mask was thicker, it had somehow burned my skin (that "tingle" ????) and I had angry red whelps and fluid filled blisters across my chest and boobs and upper tummy.  I jumped up and ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror in ABJECT HORROR.   I tried to "peel" the mask, but sadly, I was about 3 1/2 hours past peeling anything......it flaked in spots, but would NOT rub off.  The skin underneath was so sore and tender that scrubbing was NOT an option.  

I got into the shower and tried to soak it off....but in areas where it was thicker, it gelled up like some kind of sticky, gooey, viscous teal snot that smeared and smeared, but didn't really wash off.  I ended up getting out of the shower, wrapping an old towel around me and running down stairs (yes, wearing nothing but a towel, dripping wet all the way) to the garage to get my husband's Go-Jo soap (you know, that weird gray industrial strength stuff with pumice stones (and grit and possibly tiny sharp rocks and shards of glass???) ground-up into it.....it's the stuff that mechanics use to get grease off their hands?) and ran back up stairs to shower again and use the Go-Jo to try to rub this mess off my pitiful chest area.  It was disastrous.  And painful.  And pitiful.  And I cried.  And I cried.  And I prayed for mercy.  And I might have even prayed for death (I tend to lean toward the overly-dramatic in times of frantic panic). It was hot and steamy and sticky and slime-y and painful and frustrating.

Finally, most of the crap was off my boobs and my red, raw skin was let all scratched, blistered, whelped, and very sore.   It was so awful that I couldn't stand to put on a bra for a couple of days.  I had to wear Mumu's in the house and wear a giant, loose t-shirt to pick up the kids at school that afternoon because I couldn't stand for anything to touch my skin.

And to add insult to injury:  there was absolutely NOTHING perky or firm about me or my boobs.  Other than my firm resolve to NEVER take advice from a Cosmo magazine again.

Lesson learned.  I will keep my floppy boobies and simply tuck them into my bra like all the other old ladies from here on out.  

And y'all.  My poor cat.

10 Things Lists

Books
1. The Bible
2.  Anne of Green Gables
3.  Black Beauty
4.  Little Women
5.  Pippi Longstockings
6.  Clara Barton Books
7.  Breaking Free
8.  Laura Ingles Wilder Books
9.  Redeeming Love
10.  Gone With The Wind


Movies
1.  Airplane
2.  My Fair Lady
3.  The Jerk
4. Sixteen Candles
5. Romy and Michele's HS Reunion
6. Babe
7. Toy Story
8. Forrest Gump
9. The Princess Bride
10. Grease (I and II)


Foods
1. Cotton Candy
2.  Watermelon
3.  Mexican Food
4.  Fried Pickles
5.  Pizza
6.  Cannoli
7.  Tiramisu
8.  Crème Brule
9.  Soft Serve Ice Cream
10. Cheese


Restaurants
1.  Carrabelle's
2. Parkside
3. Monkey Town
4. Screen Door
5. Rib and Loin
6. Delia's
7. Merv's
8. Chili's
9. Fresh Pot
10. Ankars


Places
1. Ireland
2. England
3. Scotland
4. France
5. Italy
6. Greece
7. St Thomas
8. Germany
9. Amsterdam
10. CHATTANOOGA


Toys
1.  Easy Bake Oven
2.  Ms. Beasley Doll
3. Barbies
4. Tinker Toys
5. Lincoln Logs
6. Coloring books
7.  books
8. Hot Wheels Cars
9. Lemon Twist
10.  Teddy Bears


Things I wish I could Paint
1. Barns
2. landscapes
3. cityscapes
4.castles
5. mountains
6. old churches
7. animals
8. people
9. water
10. landmarks


Dreams
1. travel
2. acting
3. writing
4. art
5. weight loss that lasts
6. singing with my husband
7. stand-up comedy
8. looking pretty
9. having friends
10. having my whole family together


Hobbies
1.  baking
2. photography
3. crafts
4. writing
5. reading
6. drawing
7. coloring
8. traveling
9. cross stitching
10. cooking


Things I want to Learn
1.  painting
2.  photography
3. cake decorating
4. massage therapy
5. to speak Spanish better
6. drawing
7. sign language
8. flower arranging
9. dancing
10. writing


Guilty Pleasures
1. food
2. daydreaming
3. taking bra off at the end of a day
4. reading a good book
5. seeing new places
6. magazines
7. naps
8. paying for coffee when I have it at home
9. eating at restaurants
10. pinterest


Gift Ideas
1.  candles
2.  books
3. pens
4.  soft socks
5. kitchen gear
6. coffee
7. clothes
8. jewelry
9. mugs
10. cookbooks


Scents/Aromas
1. crayons
2. playdough
3.  my husband
4. suntan oil
5. freshly bathed baby
6. books
7. pinesol
8. bubble bath
9. fresh towels from the laundry
10. freshly brewed coffee


People who Influenced my Life
1.  Mamaw
2. Ms Lively
3. Ms. Thomas
4. Ms. Towns
5. Mr.Leather
6. husband
7. kids
8. mom
9. dad (not in a good way)
10. gf (not in a good way)

Inertia

Inertia. Motion.  An object in motion tends to stay in motion.  But a girl sitting on the couch is a goner.  These are facts, based on science-y stuff. Trust me.  Math and equations and deductive reasoning and the scientific method and hypotheses and control groups were used. And graphs and charts and diagrams. Evidence-based stuff.  All of that smart stuff.
And personal experience.

I can personally testify.  Give me a to-do list and a deadline and I will move heaven and earth to check off all the boxes on that list and I will work and hustle and apply as much elbow grease and gumption as required to make the magic happen.  I can get stuff done.  I am the consummate list check-er-off-er.  This makes me very valuable to employers.  This is why folks want me on their group-project team.  This is where I excel.

Saturday chores?  Got a list!   Laundry, Change the linens, make the weekly menus and grocery list and do the shopping! Clean the toilets, scrub the tubs and showers, sweep and mop and vacuum the floors! Clean the kitchen!

Special projects?  No problem!  Get me up early! We will weed and mulch the flower beds, clean out the closets, paint the room, clean out the garage, pressure-wash the drive way, wash the cars, plan a trip, drive 1000 miles, plan and host a party for 50? NO problem!!  Here I go!!

But let me sit down to rest......let me change out of my tennis shoes and get into my jammies and fuzzy socks and cozy clothes, or heaven forbid.....if I take the bra off.....we are done.  So done. It's so predictable!  once the forward motion is stalled, I have the WORST time getting that motor running again.  It might sputter half-heartedly, but will usually stall out all together and come to a screeching halt.

It's like once my butt hits the couch, it immediately tethers itself, props up my feet, puts down deep roots, holds it's fist skyward and proclaims, "I shall not be moved!" And it really means it too.  The couch caresses my back-side and cradles it ever so gently and sings a siren song of idleness that will not be denied.

Dead stop.

music

Have you ever heard a song…..and been instantly transported back to another time and another place?  Does music evoke memories and emotions for you?     Perhaps a first kiss,  your first dance, your first boyfriend?  Your favorite song from high school, the song you played on repeat when you first learned to drive….the songs you listened to when you had your first heartbreak.   The songs you listened to with your friends as you hung out after school, the songs you sang at church as a child, the songs your family sang together.  Songs from summer camp or vacation Bible School, songs you sang to your children when they were babies.

How many, many words are there for songs or music?  Must be hundreds, maybe thousands!!   Songs, lullabies, ditties, nursery rhymes, slow jams, groovy dance hits, fight songs, inspirational hymns, Psalms, spirituals, anthems, arias, drinking songs and shanties, rounds, incantations, ballads, carols, chorales, ditties, chants, refrains, verses, odes, lyricals, poems, pieces, strains, melodies, numbers, tunes, choruses, madrigals, carillons, arrangements, cantatas, concertos, operettas, works, scores, etudes, stanzas, symphonies, opus,  rhapsodies, sonatas, cavatinas, pastorales, cadence, standards, compositions…..

And types of music?  There is just something for everybody!!  Golden oldies, country, western, rock and roll, rap, opera, soul, r & b, hard rock, punk, grunge, indie rock, new wave, progressive, blues, gospel,  contemporary Christian, dubstep, acoustic, bebop, chamber music, choir, folk, fusion, heavy metal, instrumental, marches, lounge lizard, techno, soundtracks, tv themes, jingles, bluegrass, honky-tonk, surfing music, harmony, modern, ragtime, swing, acapella, classical, pastorale, Motown, reggae, ska, art rock, grind core, hip-hop, barber-shop quartet, celtic, zydeco, pop, standards, world-beat, electronic, Gregorian Chants, nature tracks, ballads, soft-rock, symphony, marching band, and music from every decade from the roaring 20’s to the present.  

I can hear a few strains of a song from a pivotal time in my life and it is instant time-travel for me.  I’m taken back to the time, the feelings, the emotions, the smells, the sights, and the memories…...

"I got the Joy-Joy-Joy-Joy-Down in my heart!" or "Jesus Loves me" or "There was a Wise Old King" or "Father Abraham" takes me right back to a happy little Sunday school classroom with a flannel board and tiny short plastic chairs and tables low to the ground where the room smells like grape Kool-Aide and animal crackers and paste and crayons.  


Another music memory:  My first Kiss ever!  On the dance floor at Church of the Nativity during my 8^th grade dance during the Kenny Rogers song, “Lady” with my very first boyfriend, David.  It was dim, slightly smoky (from the fog-machine), and all together magical!!  His lips were so soft and my heart was beating so fast I thought it would jump out of my chest!  We had just won a dance contest (for dancing our hearts out and doing the splits during the song, “Celebration.”   It was in 1981 and I was in the 8^th grade.  If I hear that song now, I’m instantly taken back to that night and I’m swaying and swooning in that church gymnasium.   

Songs from the movie soundtrack “Top Gun” takes me back to my high school dating years……as does any song from “Fame” or “St Elmo’s Fire" or "Sixteen Candles"   Ditto for anything by the Police, Styx, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Steve Perry, Wham, Boy George and Duran-Duran. Basically, if I tune into any good 80’s radio station and I turn into a teenager again.

Any songs from Petra or Greg X Voltz takes me back to the very early days of my marriage and to the time when my daughter was born. We attended a Petra concert when I was about 8 months pregnant and then played their albums on repeat for the next year or so.  It was a magical, difficult, exciting time in my life.  Those memories are very sweet now. 

If I hear Lawrence Welk type music, I’m transported back to Saturday nights of my childhood……my grandparents enjoying watching “And-a-one-and-a-two….” And the same goes for Hee-Haw.  Tammy Wynette standing by her man, or Loretta Lynn being a Coal-Miners daughter makes me very nostalgic.  

Hearing the opening tune from the TV theme song for the Walton's almost makes me cry….remembering watching it with my Mamaw.   I still love watching the corny reruns of “The Love Boat” and even though I never watched the show, I even get a bit nostalgic  hearing the theme song from “Dallas” which was a big deal back in those days.   

I  wasn’t allowed to watch Sonny and Cher because my grandparents truly believed that youngsters shouldn’t be exposed to Cher because she didn’t wear decent clothes, showing way too much skin-which meant she was a fast-loose-woman of ill-repute.....but I longed to watch it like my friends did.  I wanted to sing "I got you Babe" too!    But I watched Donny and Marie Osmond.  Faithfully.  Every Friday night.  And to this very day, I’m still a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll!!!!

Wee-Sing Bible Songs or the "Goin Quackers" songs  take me back to long car rides with my kiddos in their car seats, smashing cheerios into the seat cushions and asking if we are "There Yet"

I have a few "trigger songs" that I just can't listen to any more because of painful emotional associations....."Red River Valley" and "Blue Eyes Cryin In the Rain" because of my Papaw and how he used to play them on his harmonica....."Amazing Grace my Chains are Gone" because my husband sang it at my sweet Mamaw's funeral and  "Lord I'm Coming Home" because it was one of her favorites and "I Can Only Imagine" because Steve sang it at his aunt's funeral.

I hate some songs just on principle.  I absolutely REFUSE to listen to "Christmas Shoes" and "Butterfly Kisses" for obvious reasons and after the untimely death of Stephen Curtis Chapman's little daughter, I can't her the song "Cinderella" or his song "Heaven is the Face" without ugly crying.

Some songs make me feel melancholy - "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts  and "Longer" (and pretty much anything else)  by Dan Fogelberg. Landslide by Fleetwood Mac...Careless Whisper......Bridge over Troubled Water.....and it's not a sad feeling really.....just kind of mellow and reflective.

Some songs make me feel happy and energetic! "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince....."Walking on Sunshine" and Livin On a Prayer by JBJ......Bohemian Rhapsody.....Centerfold....Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go...….. and Don't Stop Believing…..Dancing Queen.....Born to be Wild....Hot-Hot-Hot!   I just have to dance when I hear these songs!

Some songs take me to a specific time or place in my memory - The original Hill Songs (Shout To the Lord or Revival in Belfast) whisk me away to North Carolina.....as does "Vitamin C"

Petra's "Beat the System" and Sandi Patti's "Morning Like This" and Leslie Phillips "Dancing with Danger" all transport me to my senior year of high school and my first car, that 1976 Camero with faded silver paint and a cassette player!

Music really is the soundtrack of our lives - it touches us and transports us and transforms us every day.

Friends....kindred spirits...

I have been itching to write something for a few weeks now.   I have all of these ideas bouncing around inside my noggin;  I get greatly inspired by a line in a book I'm reading, or something that someone says at work, or by something a patient of mine has done, or something my husband says............and then I come and sit quietly in front of my computer to get it all down in black and white....... and it's like my thoughts and words turned into the fluffy white feathers of a dandelion held tightly in my fist and although I tried to carefully carry it, a big wind came and blew the feathers away and all I'm left with is a giant, ugly, bald brain with only one or two straggler thoughts that aren't even coherent when put together.   And then I stare at the blank white word-canvas and think.....Huh.   I have absolutely NOTHING of any value to say.  And I walk away feeling let down and disappointed.

But this afternoon, I have been thinking and I ran up here to the computer to try to capture some of the thoughts before they elusively float away on the wind of consciousness...the wind blown by business, rush, and stress.

This evening, I am thinking about my friends.  And I have been blessed with some of the most PRECIOUS, most amazing friends you can imagine.

Some of my friends go waaaaaay back....to second grade......to elementary school.....to awkward times on the playground playing kickball and four-square and jump rope and Barbie Dolls.   You knew me when I had braids and freckles and buck-teeth like Laura Ingalls.  You were the ones who shared my obsession with Donny Osmond.  You were the ones who invited me to my first sleep-over party and even went to the bathroom with me because I was afraid to go by myself (after we ate birthday cake with Donny Osmond's face airbrushed on top!!)  It was your Mom who came to pick me up at the school and taught me how to use a sanitary pad and belt (those were the days, huh?) and took me home to change my clothes and celebrated my "womanhood" with me when I got my period for the first time and I thought I was dying (because I was so young and clueless and had no idea  THAT was going to happen to me!)  You are the ones who laughed with me on the playground while we enjoyed our candy-sticks that we bought from the school store with our saved dimes.   We watched "The Electric Company" together every morning and I can't even think of hearing "HEEEY YOU GUYYYYYS!"  without seeing each of your faces.

Some of you lived at Battlewood Apartments when I did, and you are the ones who know that the "Battle" part of Battlewood was the battle of making ends meet.   We lived in the projects....we got giant blocks of "Government Cheese" which tasted pretty much like Velveta and shame.  We were the kids who had to go through the "free lunch" line in the junior high cafeteria....in case anyone didn't already know we were poor.   We had those cold, institutional white tile floors that our moms tried to cover with area shag carpets and we got to wade through waist deep water every time we had a lot of rain because the entire complex would flood.

Some of you, I met in Junior High.  Ahhhh, those complex, troubling, awkward years of change, self-discovery, and self-awareness.  Back then, there were steep, concrete steps leading from the "horseshoe" in front of the school where the buses and cars picked up and dropped off students up to the front of the school.  I fell on those stupid steps at least twice in the two years I was there.....causing bruises, bleeding, and much bodily harm....but mostly humiliation. I wasn't the only one..those steps claimed plenty of victims.   Maybe that is why they tore them down.  Those steps were almost symbolic of my junior high years.....a nemesis, something to be conquered, but still something that would leave marks on me for the rest of my life.

Middle school saw My first school dance, my first boyfriend, my first kiss.......my (short-lived) foray into athletics as a member of the gymnastics team, the volleyball team, and as manager of the basketball team.   I tried out for cheerleading, which was a dismal fail that left me in tears for a week.  I wanted desperately to be in the band, but being in the band cost money....money we didn't have..... for instruments, lessons, and uniforms.  And I didn't have a ride to/from practice because I lived with my elderly grandparents by then, and they couldn't drive.  So I joined the Art Club and I joined the Newspaper and I joined Bible Club.....because they all met during school hours.  I had always been a straight-A student, so one day I was taken to a special class room and was given a battery of tests and was labeled "GIFTED" and got to go to a new class called "Independent Studies" that made me feel really smart.  Until I took Algebra my 8th grade year.....and got my first ever (cue the dramatic music.....) C.  I was devastated.   And grounded all summer.  I made some of my really solid, enduring friendships in junior high...and you all know who you are.

And some of you, I met in Highschool.  Oh. My. Gosh.  Highschool.   Pimples, popularity, pubescent hormones....... insecurities and exaggerated sense of the importance of every faux paux. Who am I?  What am I?  What am I going to be?  Going to Pizza Hut every Friday night after the football games, hanging out at Eastgate Mall, trying to dress like Madonna with lace gloves and lacy headbands and jean-jackets, acid-washed, high-waisted jeans.....having sleep overs where we made chocolate chip cookies and listened to record albums all night long, giggling and sharing secrets instead of sleeping.  Feeling so grown-up because we watched Saturday Night Live and laughed at Gilda Radner's jokes.  Getting our first jobs......getting our driver's licenses.....getting our hearts broken.   The dreaded "dressing out" in PE, the slamming of lockers in the hall, the confetti on PepRally day as the band played and the cheerleaders cheered and we all clapped.  Lunch periods spent in Mr. Leathers' science lab instead of the lunch room because in Mr. Leather's class, nerds were welcomed with open arms..it was a safe haven for me.   Field-trips to Quiz Bowl and Science Bowl, Math Club, and Toss-up and Future Problem Solving Bowl.......those were the BEST times!!  You haven't lived until you have spent 3 sleep-deprived, hillarious days living with a short bus full of highschool nerds.  The Big-Bang Theory cast had NOTHING on our little gang of intellectual misfits.  I always secretly wondered when they would figure out that I didn't really belong - I wasn't half as smart as the rest of the group (I didn't even take MATH my senior year, for goodness sakes!)...and I constantly lived in fear of being called out....but thankfully, it never happened.   We would play Mad Libs, make up songs, and we even created a fan club for one of our teachers.....I was a proud founding member of the Carolyn Towns Fan-Club.    High school faded into early adult hood with prom, class night, dating, senior play, and finally graduation...…..but friendships were forged that would last a lifetime.

I started nursing school, got married and had a baby - all in rapid succession the year after high school. It was so fast that my head was spinning. And then I graduated nursing school and had another baby and started my nursing career.  Through those early years of my marriage, I didn't have any really close friends outside of my marriage.  My husband was my best friend and that worked really well for me. Actually, he still IS my best friend. Even after all these years. I wasn't a hermit or anything.....I had some superficial friends at work and at school and at church.. folks we talked with, went out to dinner with and visited...but no BFF's that I could call in a time of crisis.  We had pleasant friends that we would see at events and at the kid's school meetings and church, but mostly it was just me and my man and kiddos against the world.

Since then, I've had the privilege of working with some really, really great friends.  Nursing attracts caring people to begin with and throughout the years I've gotten fairly close with many precious people.  We would spent hours and hours of drudgery interspersed with minutes of sheer terror in the name of nursing and "saving lives" and that tends to promote a closeness that other professions don't necessarily share.  We see patients at their most venerable and sensitive times- at times of diagnosis , at times of catastrophic illness....and times of life-changing accidents - and it tends to boil life down to what is important and lasting.  Most of the nurses I've worked with would walk through fire to help each other out.   I am so thankful for the front-row seat I've had to learn from some of the best of the best nurses out there.

Because nurses deal with some really heavy situations, we tend to find dark humor a very effective safety-valve to let off the steam that builds up over a 12 hour shift.  I can't tell you the number of things I've inappropriately laughed about when I wanted to cry instead....but laughing was more acceptable in the moment.  The laughter binds us together and helps us cope - and makes us stronger. So many, many memories of laughter and friends that I have laughed with over the years.  

I've met and loved so many friends at church!  God has a way of putting people in my path that encourage me, that lift me up, that inspire me.....friends who have bravely fought (and ultimately lost) the battle with cancer.  I'm thinking of at least 3 precious ladies who touched my life more than they ever knew as they faced their fears and their illness with grace and hope and strength and peace.  Their strength has been woven into the fabric of who I am just by knowing and loving them.  

I've had other friends who were friends for a season ….a time of Bible study, a time of retreat, of renewing our faith and growing together.   I've had other friends who were friends for a reason - they needed a babysitter or a sympathetic ear to just listen or sometimes even a shoulder to cry on. I've learned vicariously from their life lessons along the way and it has made me stronger and wiser.

Some of my friends were definitely given to me to challenge me and make me think.  Some of my friends come from different faiths, different ethnic backgrounds, different socioeconomic levels, different denominations, different cultures, different mores, different beliefs, different political views, different ages, different genders, different orientations, different experiences,  and out and out completely  different mindsets.  And that's GOOD!   I'm so thankful for our differences!  If we were all the same flavor - how boring that would be?!? I like to think of my life and friends like a calico quilt - the more colors and fabrics and textures that are woven in - the more beautiful and special and valuable the quilt becomes!

Funny how now - over half a century into my life - some of those very first friendships I ever forged are still some of the most important to me today.  We still keep in touch - still check in from time to time.  Still laugh and still cry together.  Still love and learn from each other.

I am so very, very thankful for the myriad of "quilt pieces" that make up the patchwork quilt of my life so far!  I have been blessed, so very blessed.

I"m a hoarder.

Pretty sure I'm a hoarder.  Not the kind like on TV who is buried underneath years and years of old news papers and old empty butter bowls...….well, at least not yet.

I read all the research on how clutter leads to and feeds anxiety. And I thought...hmmmm.   I sure do have a LOT of clutter, maybe THAT'S why I feel so anxious?  So I read up on how to cull through my belongings and make piles "Donate" "Keep" and "Trash" and how to look at and hold each object to see if it "brings me joy" and I read about which is the best charity to donate to and I read about the joys and benefits of recycling and I was IN.  I was ALL. IN.

So I opened my first cabinet to start culling.  I figured I'd just rip off the band-aid and dig right in -so I pulled everything out of that cabinet and stacked it all up on my counter top so that I could really see what was in there and objectively figure out how much of a "JOY" score to assign to each piece.

The first things I put back into the cabinet were those things that have significant sentimental attachment for me.  Things that remind me of a special person, a specials time, a special place or feeling.....taking the time to hold each object and remember the circumstances and memories associated with each one.....outright laughing at some of the memories, smiling at others....and shedding a few tears over a few as well.

Remembering each person involved- one item was a gift from a friend that captured her personality perfectly and it makes me smile and think of her every time I see it.  we were once bosom friends and very close - but we both moved to different states and time went by and we grew apart......but every time I remember her, my heart is warmed by our memories and I miss her.   Can't get rid of that.  It means too much. Back in the cabinet it goes!

Next item - OH!  We bought this on a fantastic trip!  I remember those sun-drenched golden afternoons and the way the air felt and the laughter and remember the thrill of  exploring a new place and seeing new things!  This item embodies the very essence of that amazing vacation!!  Gotta keep that.  Back in the cabinet it goes!

This next thing is OLD.  I'm talking - I had it when I was in junior-high old. It belonged to a different me....a me who was unsure of the future and yet hopeful that I could be whatever I wanted to be.  It belonged to the me who sang into hairbrushes and wooden spoons with all the grace and style a pre-teen can project!  It belonged to the me who was still becoming - who was still figuring out who I was.....the young, innocent me.  She's still in here somewhere, I'm pretty sure? Maybe?  I'd better keep this. We have such a history...maybe I'll just put it in the very back of the cabinet.

Next item - Heart melts.  It's from when the kids were little. Like, little bitty (they are both adults now and long flown from the nest);  holding this makes my tear up a little - remembering the tiny, fun little people they used to be...maybe even mourning a little for the mom I used to be; that part of me has been lost to the passing of time but sometimes I miss her.  I miss the kids too. I stand there holding my object thinking about those long days of tying shoes, cooking dinner, chasing down homework, stepping on Legos and Barbie Shoes.....remembering mostly the good parts, forgiving the not so good and wistfully wondering how so much time could pass in such a flash.   This thing isn't going anywhere except back in my cabinet!

The next item belonged to my Grandmother.  My precious, sweet Mamaw.  Her hands used to hold this just like mine are now.  OH to feel the warmth of those hands on my face again. If only I could  look into her eyes one more time and tell her how much I love her!! But I can't....and holding something she once held is as close as I can get.....so obviously I will never part with this.  It was hers and now it's mine.  It's precious....a link to her love.  And I'm keeping it. Forever.

The next thing?  Oh goodness!  I got this at my bridal shower!  When our love was new and shiny and scary and hopeful!  So hopeful!  We've used this through the years and it represents how far we've come. How much our love has grown since those early days of uncertainty and naivety. Our love was so exciting and thrilling then.....and it's so much deeper and richer now - but the memory of those days is the foundation for our life together  now - so there is no way I can get rid of this!! We've had it for > 30 years now!  It's a keeper.  Back into the cabinet.

This next thing?  Well, it's new - but so fancy!  So delicate!  So NICE.  I was so proud when I found it at such a good price and brought it home! It's pretty and it's useful - so I will keep it in the front of the cabinet so we can use it all the time.

And this one - it's sooo cute!  It makes me giggle.  It's funny and fun and whimsical.  And I need some whimsy in my life.  This is good for the gray and gloomy days when my heart is low and my mood needs a lift! This will make me feel sooo much happier. Maybe it needs to be up front too - surely it will fit on that shelf!

This next thing isn't so much new, or even very pretty - but it's very sturdy and very serviceable.  It works and gets the job done.  It's one of my go-tos because it's reliable. It's good.  It works. It would be extremely foolish to do away with something that useful.  Back in there it goes!

And so I continue - until every blasted thing is back in that dumb cabinet and my "donate" pile is nonexistent and my trash pile contains only an empty gum wrapper and a bent paperclip I found in the back of the cabinet (and even the gum wrapper has some sentimental value if I dig deep enough! but even I'm not that crazy) Haha!

So.  This is how it will end for me. I have seen the future and it's not pretty.   I will eventually be buried somewhere inside my house under a pile of sentimental and useful old stuff that I can't bear to part with.   But I will be happy with my sweet memories and silly stuff......so I'm keeping it all.  It all brings me JOY and makes me HAPPY.   Maybe it feeds my anxiety?? But the thought of parting with my most prized worldly possessions makes me more anxious - so I'll just deal with it. Hahaha!

Hello. My name is Amanda. I'm a hoarder.

My Growing up in Church Memories

I did one of those super-scientific quizzes on Facebook tonight….it was “How well do you know Hymns?”  Well, I got 100% and it proudly told me, “You were probably born a Southern Baptist!”  And they are almost correct.   It got me to thinking about growing up in church and how I came to be a believer and why I still believe today, some 40+ years later. 

I was toted to church by my Mom and Dad, who were both strong church attenders.  My dad was a deacon and usher and my Mom taught Sunday School and Vacation Bible School and we went to Home-Comings and singings and did all the good church things families did back in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s.   Some of my first lucid memories are of vacation Bible School and the beloved flannel-board characters that brought the Bible to life before my pre-school aged eyes!  Zacchaeus was a Wee-Little Man, Deep and Wide, The B-I-B-L-E, Jesus Loves Me, Jesus Loves The Little Children, This Little Light of Mine…….all of these dear songs were sung at full-volume with utter delight to anyone who would listen to me sing! 

My Dad left us when I was 6 years old and we kind of moved in with my Grandparents then and my mom stopped going to church because she was having to work 2 jobs to support her two kids with no assistance.   My Grandmother was a old school Baptist believer and, she rode the Senior Citizen’s Church bus to church every Sunday morning and I was brought along.   I loved going to church!  I loved the songs, the smell of the Sunday School rooms (I can close my eyes and remember that magical smell!  It smelled like paste, books, and grape popsicles!), and I loved singing in church!   I loved Vacation Bible School best of all!  I loved memorizing Bible Verses, learning sign language, learning how to macramé (hey, it was the 70’s and macramé was the craft-du-jour!)  I loved lining up and marching in to “Onward Christian Soldiers!”  and  I loved the puppets and the stories and songs! 

I did learn sign language in church.  My best friends at church were deaf and they taught me.  I also sang with the deaf and hearing choir….but they asked me to sign with the deaf kids instead of singing out loud.  That might have given me a complex, but I did sooo love using sign language to sing the songs.  It was so expressive and felt like a form of worship to me.  It still does….I catch myself signing along with songs all the time at church, even today.  I have forgotten most of the sign language I learned back then, but I still remember the good “churchy” words like God, Sin, Jesus, Heaven, Angel, Sing, Cross, and the like.   This was about the time when I really, truly had 2 ambitions in life.  One was to become a Solid Gold Dancer……OR the other was to become the little lady in the circle at the bottom of the screen on the Billy Graham Crusades on TV...the one interrupting all the sermons into sign language .   Sadly, neither ambition came to fruition.  Thank goodness.  

About the time I turned 11 or 12 years old, our Sunday School class started having “testimony time”….and I dreaded it sooo badly!   I was only a pre-teen and didn’t quite have a grasp on theology yet….but I  faithfully read my Bible, not wholly understanding everything, but still soaking it in.  I remember being particularly troubled by the verses that talked about “where there is much sin, grace abounds”  or something to that effect……and in my mind, it kind of meant that I needed to have some kind of sin that was worthy of being saved from……and I was deathly embarrassed because my sheltered life afforded little room for sinning.  My Mamaw saw to that.   I was embarrassed to get up and give my testimony that I was saved from “talking sassy to my Mamaw” or that I was saved from “staying up past my bedtime to read” or “being mean to my little sister” or  any one of the other multitude of boring sins that I had to ask forgiveness for.  I felt like……well, I felt like Jesus’ sacrifice was too much for my petty little sins…..that I needed to have bigger sins to be saved from…..and then I could lead others to Jesus!   But……the question was……how to go about sinning some BIG sins???   Well, I knew I’d never have the opportunity to do anything that bad without getting caught (and I really WAS an obedient child and breaking the rules was not something I did on purpose usually)…..so I came up with a compromise….I wouldn’t actually commit BIG SINS…..but I would make up a testimony about big sins…..and I would share that testimony in Sunday School and people would come from miles around to be saved because they would know that God had saved me from BIG and BAD things….and He could forgive them too!   Oh, I had it all worked out…I wasn't going to just be the lady in the little circle for sign language on YV...I  going to be a young-teenaged-girl version of Billy Graham himself!   People would hear my testimony and weep and walk the aisles just begging to repent!  So I had to make it good.

I made it good alright.   When it came my turn to give my testimony….I stood up, swished my Laura Ingalls braids behind my back and just went for it!   I started out telling about how I had sold myself into prostitution to pay for my Heroin addiction… about how I was homeless and hungry and stole food from the grocery store because I was too poor to buy food.  I laid it on thick!!  (As thick as an 11 year old with very limited understanding of what Heroin actually was could lay it on!)  But then, with tears streaming down my earnest, freckled face….I shared how I had been saved!  SAVED!!  From such a horrible life and now I don’t do drugs any more and I go to school like a normal kid and eat food that we buy at the grocery store!   I didn’t get the reaction I thought I would.  The kids just stared at me and it likely confirmed the fact that I was really weird…..and honestly, I don’t even remember what my teacher said at the time.   Thinking back, it dawns on me that it should have occurred to me that my Sunday School teacher’s mother lived RIGHT NEXT DOOR to my Mamaw and she had known me my whole life and watched me grow up….so she knew that NONE of my “testimony” was true.  Hahahaha!!  Oh, how I wish I could go back and ask her what on earth she thought of my testimony back then!!  Hahahahaha!!  Goodness!  I now understand that making up a testimony is not the way to go....and that telling lies is indeed a BIG sin.  Since then,   I have had plenty of sin to be saved from…..and thankfully none of it had to do with prostitution or heroin or stealing groceries. 

I loved going to the Golden Agers dinners…and I went to all of them......let me tell you this…..Church Ladies KNOW how to cook a casserole!!  Nobody dared bring in a store-bought cake or cookies.  No ma’am!  There was banana pudding!  REAL banana pudding – not made with some box of mix.   Real cakes, real pies, real food!   And plenty of it!  Being the only child in a group of about 40 senior citizens was pretty sweet!  And I was quiet and well-behaved….so I was like their pet or mascot of the group.   After every meal, they would have “the sangin”  (singing for those not from the south) and there would be a whole afternoon of good old Gospel songs…..some fast and snappy, some slow and mournful….but all wonderful and rich with the Good News!   There would be groups sometimes….in the style of the Gaither Home Coming…..and there would be special singers who would do solos.   I loved them all.  

Once I became a teenager, I moved on to a different church and became even more involved in church life.  Church played a Huge part of my teenaged years.  Looking back, I can see that I was struggling with depression even back then…..but church was my safe place…it was indeed my refuge.  By the time I was about 16, I started teaching Sunday School classes and GA’s (Girls in Action – a missions group for young Baptist girls) and I sang in the choir and I played piano a little bit (but was never really good enough to play in Sunday Morning services….I was a work-in-progress!hahaha!)  We put on Christmas Plays, Easter Pageants, Cantatas and so forth….oh how I loved, loved, LOVED those times!  

I was introduced to contemporary Christian Music by my friend, Cheryl when I was a junior in high school and we went to a Petra Concert and Leslie Phillips was the opening act.   And my eyes were opened to Christian music with a BEAT!!!  Oh what joy!  To quote a favorite group of mine, “Why Should the Devil Get All The Good Music?”  Why indeed??  I started listening to Leslie Phillips, Amy Grant, Michael W Smith, Dallas Holm, Petra, Twila Paris, The Imperials......and just fell in LOVE with Christian music.  To this day, it’s all that plays in my car.  I need the positive focus and positive energy!  Every now and then, I will go back and play those old albums from the early 80’s and it takes me right back to my teenage years!   

I do love Contemporary Christian music;  I love old Gospel music;  I love Praise and Worship music…..but there will always be a soft-spot in my heart for those poetic old hymnal songs….sung from a dusty hymnbook with a heart full of joy.  And I’m not making ANY of that testimony up! J