My glimpse into the Kaleidoscope this week......

I just spent the past week working "in the field" as a home health nurse to fill in for 2 sick nurses and 1 nurse on vacation at my brand new job.  It was exhausting.....an explanation for my home-care buddies, I was doing an average of 8 points per day on HCHB.....and because I am a rusty-field nurse, the documentation was KILLING me!  But, I got faster and more adept at using my smart-phone to document my visits as the week wore on.....but I am not NEARLY as young as I used to be when I was out doing 8-10 points daily when I first started out in home care.  I did realize a bunch of things this week....and I was reminded time and again WHY I am a nurse to begin with.   Here are a few of my lessons:

Nursing is HARD work.  At one visit, I did a wound vac visit on a stage 4 decubitus ulcer that I could fit both fists into.....practically standing on my head for the 40 minutes it took me to undress, clean, measure, repack, and re-seal the wound.  The patient's only bed was a couch that sat about 6 inches off the floor and he wasn't able to transfer to any other (higher) surface for me to do the wound care.   After about 20 minutes of bending/stooping down in the precarious position, my legs started to shake.....and after about 30 minutes, sweat was dripping off my nose and by the time I finished and the wound vac machine let us know we were successfully sealed tight, I was ready to cry.  I had to limp back out to my car.  My legs and back were sore the rest of the week.  Nursing is hard work.

Nursing is sometimes thankless work.  I saw a patient this week who literally screamed at me; red faced, spit-flying, cursing, yelling.....she was most unhappy.   Her unhappiness was not my fault.....and there was absolutely nothing I could do at that time to fix what made her unhappy. All I could do was allow her to vent her frustrations, while trying to maintain a calm, objective demeanor and offer support.  I left her home feeling like a verbal-punching bag that had been given a royal punching.  I actually cried once I got back inside my car.  Not really because she hurt my feelings, not because she had yelled at me and spit at me in her rage.....but mostly because it was just emotionally draining and I also needed to vent.  So I got in the car,  rolled up the windows, turned up the radio, and did a little 2 minute therapeutic bawling session.  Then I was able to dry my tears, blow my nose, and move on with my day.

Sometimes, nursing is just gross work.   I visited one home that smelled like giant litter-box (and they didn't even have a cat!!) and I visited one home where a poor, pitiful, old, blind bulldog kept scooting and dragging his butt on the nasty shag carpet the entire time I was there. I visited one home where the carpet was so matted and disgustingly dirty that you couldn't tell it was carpet and not a dirt floor.  More than one house had so many roaches that the surfaces of the furniture seemed to be alive with scurrying movement. Some wounds smell like rotting, festering hamburger meat left out in the sun.  Some homes are just like the ones on that TV Show about hoarders - garbage, newspapers, magazines, car parts, empty 2 liter coke bottles, all piled up from the floor to the ceiling with only narrow 1 foot pathways into and out of rooms.  Some old men patients are "handsy" and "grabby" and eagerly hold their arm up for their blood pressure to be taken, always managing to somehow graze your boobs with the back of their hands, no matter how artfully you dodge.

But sometimes.......often times.....usually......nursing is BEST work.   I was thinking about how I am a guest in these patient's homes.  I am invited into their homes during a crisis.....usually right after a major diagnosis or hospitalization or injury.....and my job is to help the patient and family make sense of their new reality and to teach them the skills to cope with their illnes - be it insulin injections, a new and difficult diet, changing an ostomy bag, or how to take their myriad of new medications.  I get to meet them where they live.....in their most vulnerable and intimate spaces...and I get to minister to them.   I get to explain, teach, soothe, treat, explain, touch, care, and heal.

I was thinking about how many different homes I had visited in just the span of a week.  All of the families and patients.....with all of the different cultures, religions, ethnic groups, life-experiences, and back-grounds they represent. And I thought about how I learned so many different things from each patient.

From the multi-million dollar mansion in a gated estate..... to low-rent senior high-rise apartments.... to modest suburban homes... to an RV in a campground..... to a mobile home park...... to what some would call "the ghetto"...to the assisted living facilities.  This week, I have been invited into all of these places to care for someone.  Doesn't that just blow my mind?   How many people in other professions EVER get this priceless chance to see and experience how so many other people live?

Some patients have loving, doting spouses.  Some patients have extended families with children, grand children and great-grandchildren all there to lend a hand.  Some patients live with friends.  Some patients live alone and long for companionship.  Some patients live with significant others or life partners and some patients live with their adult children. Some patients live with their cats or their dog. One of my patients lives with a pot-bellied pig.  One of my patients lives alone...and he is a nudist. One of my patients was a priest and he lives with other retired priests in a home run by the Catholic church.  One of my patients is a Buddhist.  One is an old hippie.  One is a Jehovah's Witness. One just got out of jail.  One is a retired navy-man. One is a disabled vet who lost a leg - he is only in his 20's. Several are Grandmas.  Several are great-grandpas.

Some patients are very private and quiet and want their visit to be over and done as quickly as possible.   Some patients are outgoing and boisterous and love to talk and tell stories and jokes and want you to spend as much time as possible with them, just for the company.  Some patients are warm and welcoming and some are merely tolerant.  Most patients are respectful.

This week, I was offered coffee, tea, water, soda.....and one special lady even wrapped up a piece of homemade rum cake for me to take with me for later (she didn't want me to eat rum cake and then drive).  I was given a piece of fresh coconut at one home - the lady and her family barely spoke English, but the ladies of her extended family were in the kitchen cooking for her and they wanted me to experience a taste of their culture.  One gentleman made me a tiny cup of Cuban Coffee....his specialty from his native country...and that was the most exquisite coffee I've ever tasted....and as powerful as jet-fuel!!  My left eye twitched the rest of the afternoon, but I had some zip and pep!

Each one of these patients and their families gave me a gift - a glimpse into their every day lives.  I've learned that we all have different customs, different values, different religions, different beliefs, different styles of clothing, different languages, different foods, different ideas.......but the glorious thing is that we can still all connect on such a human level!!  Disease, illness, sickness, injury - it happens to all of us.  We may not believe the same thing, we may not look the same, we may not sound the same - but we are all so similar as well in that....we all hurt....we all love....we all sleep...we all eat....we all suffer from the human condition. We are all on this planet together.  

I set out to minister to my patients - but as it turns out, they usually minister to me instead.  I am so much richer for having opened my eyes, mind, and heart to these patients.  The human experience really is a kaleidoscope - ever changing, ever beautiful, ever hopeful, ever poignant...colors shifting and changing shapes over and over again into mesmerizing patterns.

Words I do NOT enjoy

Words I absolutely do NOT enjoy:

Depot -    Because it should be De. Pot.   Or Depo.   No silent T.   The silent T is just sneaky.  I’m not fond of sneaky consonants. 

Island – Same issue as Depot.  It isn’t EYE-land or I-land…..but somehow it’s spelled “IS-Land”  A silent, sneaky S.   Why do we need a silent S?  Nope.  We actually DON’T need it.

Omelet – a wad of congealed scrambled eggs, limply lying on a plate.  As in…Omelet these eggs sit here in the pan and solidify because I’m too lazy to scramble them.  Omelet is just nasty.

 Cinch – whether it’s about the Cinch Bug or you want to say something is easy “as in, “It’s a cinch!”  It just sounds icky.  Cinch. Cinch. Cinch.  Ewwwwh.

Pianist – It’s an simply an awkward word.  PEE-an-Ist?  Pee-AN-ist?   I tend to just avoid the awkwardness all together and say, “That person who plays piano.” 

Caucus – It sounds like a dead body, not a quorum for voting. Caucus.  Yuck.

Gulch – it makes you swallow hard to even say it.  Like when you gag…. just before you throw-up. 

Flesh – There is just something almost sickening about the sound of this word:  Flesh.  Just don’t.

Slaw – As in, Cole Slaw.   Although I do enjoy eating a good coleslaw, it sounds like something you should throw to the pigs.  Sloppy Slaw.  Slaw.  Rubbish.  Garbage. Slaw.

Puce- as ugly sounding as the color looks.  Puce is the color of a healing bruise black-eye – still bruised and bluish, but also pinkish with tinges of nasty pea-green.  Puce.  Who thinks….I really, REALLY love the color PUCE?   Nobody. Ever.

Bangs – as in, what you call the fringe of hair on your forehead.  Bangs?  WHY?????? A gunshot?  Bangs, yes.  A door?  Slam it and it bangs, yes.  Hair on your forehead?  NO.  It doesn’t.  Stop it.

Schmear – like, what you order on your bagel.  It sounds like an accident, not something you’d actually WANT on your bagel.  

Wipe – because.  Ewwwwh. 

Menstruation – It has nothing to do with MEN.  The “Struation” makes it sound like a business transaction – which is obviously isn’t.   It’s just a gross word.  Period.   (Pun not intended – but happy accident!!) J

Colonel – because it’s just STUPID.   It’s not pronounced “Co-lon-el” like it should be.   It’s pronounced Kernel.  Like it shouldn’t be.   There is no R in this word!!!  WHY on EARTH do we pronounce it like there’s an R in this word???

Bologna – along the same lines as Colonel.  Because in what Universe does bologna sound like “Ball-on-ee?”   Ours.  Only ours.   Because. Bologna.

Phlegm – it’s onamatapia (however you spell it!!). It sounds like the disgusting, snotty, slimy thing that it is.

Smegma -  Also as gross as it sounds.  

Soggy – it conjures up visions of mildew, mold, soppy wet and muddy messes.  Soggy bread.  Ewwwh.  Soggy ground.  Soggy anything is just nasty.

Sherbet/Sorbet – Sherbet is just  sham ice cream.  An imposter ice cream.  A less creamy, less delicious stand-in for delicious, creamy ice cream.  And it should have an R in the end of the word:  Sher-BERT.  Because that’s how we say it.   And Sorbet is nothing but uppity sherbet. So snobbish.

Masticate – it sounds dirtier than just chewing.  It sounds shameful.  But we should all masticate our food properly.   Nope.  Still sounds dirty.  

Upholstery – The word makes no sense.  Downholstry?  Sideholestry?  NO?  Well, then why UPholstery?  Dumb word.

Amanda's Goals for 2016

It's time time of year again.  The week between Christmas and New Years Day when I set aside a good chunk of time and energy to review my life and progress of the past 12 months and look forward to the new beginning offered by the new year.

The New Year has always been some what of a exciting adventure for me.  The idea of it anyway.  I love the "Clean Slate"....the "Do-Over"....the grace afforded by a new start.  It's the same for me when I get an empty journal, a new notebook, and on a smaller scale - every Monday for a new week and on a even smaller scale - every morning when I open my eyes and get to begin a new day.   Too often, I find myself dragging yesterday's baggage into the new day....which I don't really have to do.  I'm promised new mercies every morning.....I just have to believe by faith.

So, we are approaching a brand new year.  12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days.....all full of possibility!!  What do I want to do with my life in 2016?  I have actually given that a great deal of thought.  Here's where I came out after all the thoughts and ideas were shaken down and processed into 10 bullet points:

1.  I will not have a victim-mentality any more.  It's so cliche and pathetic.   I get so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself sometimes that I get on my own nerves - so I can only imagine how my close friends and family feel about how I behave. Sure, my adult children make choices I don't agree with that that puts our relationships at odds sometimes, but I still love them.  Sure, I have some chronic health issues, but I take my medication.   Sure, I will always struggle with my weight, so I eat my veggies.  Sure, I did not have the idyllic childhood with 2 steady, dependable parents.  Sure, I have some deep-seated emotional and mental issues related to past hurts that will likely never heal  And sure, I have issues with self-esteem and will likely struggle with this until my last breath.   But I can't let these things define WHO I AM NOW.   Bad things happen....and will continue to happen.  I can't control what has happened to me - but I can control my reaction to it.  I can either chose to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self-pity (an exhausting choice, as I can well testify) or I can chose to rise above it.  How I react to what has happened is something that I have to own myself.....the days of blaming someone else are long-past.  I'm an over-comer!  Best be starting to acting like one.

2.  Fearless!   I want to be fearless!!  I have overcome a few pretty deep-seated fears in the last few years - and OH, how freeing it feels!!!  I still have plenty of fear-demons to stare down and I intend to do it this year.  I don't mean that I will engage in reckless or dangerous activities....that would just be silly.  I'm talking about fears more basic than death-defying feats of strength and what-not.  I want to take a few calculated risks.  I want to overcome the fear of being different.  The idea of how I want to address this issue is still in it's infancy formation - but if I take lots and lots of baby-steps - pretty soon, I will have made some pretty wide strides.   I don't want to miss out on anything life has to offer!  A few risks I've toyed around with in my mind:  A.  dressing differently (I'm totally boring.  Scrubs or predictable dress clothes for work and t-shirts and Capri pants or jeans when I'm off work).  I need something jazzy- something memorable.  I don't mean immodest or revealing - just different from my every-day over-sized shirt routine.  B.  I might color my hair an unusual, wild color. Purple comes to mind.   That doesn't sound like a huge, big deal to most of you - but to me, it scares me senseless!  But it's just hair color, right?  I can always wash it out our change the color to something more suitable. C.  Trying new things (This past year, I conquered riding roller coasters and snorkeling 2 things I've avoided all my life because I was afraid!  What a waste!!)  Who knows what new things I want to tackle - but I do want to stretch a bit.

3.  Embrace Change!   I am one of those people who thrive on stability.  Left to my own devices, I'd life in the same house, keep the same job, and eat the same foods day after day.  But change isn't always bad......it really isn't something that should terrify me.  I should be able to "roll with it" and adapt.  Whether it be to a new job, a new city, a new home, a new set of friends.......or something as simple as a change in my daily routine or even the make-up that I wear.  Not just change for the sake of change - but change to keep me from becoming stale, stagnant, and too comfortable.

4.  Less on-line time, more REAL time.  I am so guilty of being glued to my ipad or computer screen waaaaaay too much of the time.   I need to take an honest inventory of how much time I fritter away scrolling through my news feed or browsing pins on Pinterest.....and I need to ask myself if it is worth it.  Time is a currency that once I spend it.....it is gone for ever.  I need to invest my time in things that will yield dividends - not in frivolous pursuits.  I'm not "giving up face-book" or swearing off Pinterest forever.....that would be madness at this point.  Hahaha!!  I do want to better budget my on-line time so that my real-life time takes priority.

5.  Self-Care .   A vague category that can encompass all of the health-related changes I need to embrace, including: diet, exercise, rest, sleep, prayer, recharging, treating myself gently, the way I "talk to myself" in my own head, and how I care for my body.  This body isn't getting any younger and some of the parts need more maintenance than they used to.  I should make a promise to get my "oil changed" every so many miles and to make sure I have sufficient tread on my tires and energy in my spark-plugs to keep on truckin.   (Thus ends my knowledge of auto mechanics, and thusly ends this very painful metaphor).

6.  Passion.   I need more passion in my life.  NOT that kind of passion, silly!!  (Tee-hee!!)  But passion for my daily activities.  So much of the time, I find myself simply "going through the motions" of work, of writing, of cooking, cleaning, etc.....that I lose the joy of the activity.   I'm so focused on reaching the finish line that I miss the joy of the journey.   I have my mind on 10000000 other things instead of what I am doing.  I need to drill down into my soul and tap into the things that make me happy. The things that click my buttons and turn me on, things that make my heart beat faster, and things I look forward to doing....these are the things I need to pursue with my whole heart....my WHOLE heart, not just half-heartedly.

7.  Socialization.   Whoo-boy.   This is an ouchy-one for me.  I am very introverted most of the time.  I can "fake-it-till-I-make it" in most settings......but deep down, I'm most comfortable at home on the couch with my husband and my puppy dog.   But on the flip-side,  I am also terribly, terribly, horribly  lonely.  I miss having girl-friends to dish with, friends to share my thoughts, hurts, and victories with.  I miss having a "Squad."  (Okay - to be honest - I have never really had "a squad" - but Oh. MY. Lanta, how I want one! Doesn't that just sounds amazing??)   I will need to approach this one with baby steps as well.  Small outings, inviting folks over....putting myself out there. Risking rejection (....aaaaaaaaaand there's the ouchy part for me).  We are starting tomorrow.  We have been invited over to our neighbor's house for drinks.  And we are going to go!!  Even though it will be awkward and I won't know what to say or do.  Even if I say and do it all wrong - at least I'm trying!!  Maybe it will be fun!  In the very least, it's a step in the right direction for me.  And I need that right now. The isolation and loneliness has been magnified by the holiday season and it's been though.  Will I ever become a social butterfly?  Not likely - but at least I won't be a recluse.

8.  Creativity.   I used to be waaaaay more creative.  I used to play the piano; I used to draw.  I used to cross-stitch and I used to paint.  I used to arrange flowers and do crafts. I used to make and decorate cakes.  And now......now I'm a lump.  An unmotivated lump of quivering indecision and inertia.   So, to counteract the inertia - I have already lined up 2 projects that have deadlines early in the year so that I will hold myself to completing at least a few creative endeavours this year.

9.   Balance.   Work-life balance.  Diet-Exercise balance.  Treat- Work balance.  All work and no play makes Amanda a dull girl - but all play and no work makes me a poor girl.  So I need to strike a balance on the scales of justice and even out my life.  I get paid a salary to work 40 hours a week, but most weeks, it ends up being 50-60 hours a week at the expense of my family and rest time.  That's not balanced.  I diet and watch my food intake, but come home from work and collapse on the couch until bedtime.  That's not balanced.  I understand that regular exercise will help my pain and will help my weight-loss efforts, and will help my mental health and general outlook on life - but despite knowing all of these things - I would rather be a slug on the couch.  That's just not balanced.  I need to balance better.   It ties in with self-care and passion....and all of the other items on this list, really.  I feel like if I can get this one area under control, it will help smooth the transition for all of the others.

10.  Adventure.   Adventure - it's what my soul CRAVES.  We have at least 1 big trip on the books already this year - a British Isles Cruise including Paris has already been booked for August! for  12 nights and 10 port cities!! It's the trip of a lifetime!!   Not sure what other adventures this year holds - maybe a few weekend trips will be tucked in as well....but still in the planning stages. Lots of variables in the mix - but we will use the variables to our advantage and see where the winds take us!  Also, we will continue to explore the areas around us.....plenty to see and learn and experience in this wide-wide world!


So these 10 items are what I chose to focus on for the next 12 months.  Wish me luck, wish me well, and wish me love!!!  Happy New Year and Happy 2016 to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Review of 2015 Goals.........so far......

2015 GOALS

1.  Healing   I need to take better care of myself.  This includes fueling myself with healthy foods, getting enough water, limiting the toxic junk that I put in and on my body, exercising my heart and lungs and muscles, getting enough sleep and rest, not wallowing in self-pity or allowing myself to play the victim.  Now that I'm getting older, my body doesn't bounce back as quickly as it once did....and it's the only body I have (with the possible exception of the invention of better, bionic replacement parts). I need to nurture and care of myself a little more. 

I have made great strides in this area this year.  Not optimal success, but measurable success…..so I’m okay with that.  I’m a work in progress.

2.  Travel - My burning desire to see the world has not lessened....if anything, it has intensified!  I want to see it all!  On the trip-planner for this year so far:  Miami, Las Vegas, and Pennsylvania. 

Well, we didn’t make it to Vegas or Pennsylvania, but we did make it to Europe!  Which was much better!  We saw Spain, France, Italy (Roma and Florence), Kotor, Greece, and Amsterdam! We saw Miami a couple of times, actually.  And we explored a few other local cities near us, up and down the coast…and even in Central Florida, including Epcot, Bush Gardens, Magic Kingdom, and Animal Kingdom. We flew home to Nashville for Jaron’s wedding, and we cruised back to Mexico and Grand Caymen.   Not a bad travel year at all!!  We have scheduled next years’ big trip to The British Isles (including Paris!) Pretty excited about that!!  

3.  Mercy - Mercy for those who wrong me, those who irritate me, those who detest me, those who tolerate me.  Mercy for myself.....because I am often the worst offender of all of the above.  Unmerited Favor.  Undeserved Grace....forgiveness when it doesn't make sense.  Oh, how I need to both experience and extend more Mercy. Not in an unhealthy- no boundaries- kind of way, but in a loving and kind way.   Every single person is fighting a battle; every single person needs to be forgiven, understood, and loved.  I want to be a part of that.

Some days were better than others with this goal………….I’m still a work in progress in this area as well.

4.  Horseback Riding - it's been on my list for about 3 years now....a hold-over from my childhood, perhaps.......maybe this is the year?

Still no!!!!   Will have to carry-over again!

5.  Writing - I receive such a joy and an emotional release from the simple act of writing.  I have NO idea why this past year, when I needed joy and release almost more than I needed oxygen to breathe, I avoided writing and I avoided relationships and I avoided almost everything that could bring me the relief I so desperately sought.  I want to write more.....it doesn't even have to be deep and revealing.  I just want to experience the thrill of writing words on paper and seeing thoughts take shape!  Poems, Lists, Menus, letters, memos, notes, journals, blogs, notes of encouragement, cards, texts to tell someone that I love them.  I just want to express what's locked up inside me with words!

Yes, and No with this goal.  I have kept a gratitude journal…and a personal log of events – kind of like a diary…..my poor blog was sadly neglected.  I managed to send a few cards and encourage a few folks – but not as much as I had planned on. 

 

6.  Joy in The Journey - I want to experience joy on a daily basis.  No more waiting for the weekend; no more counting the days until vacation or a trip or an event.  No more surviving work days to get to the off days.  Because the days that I'm just surviving.....just enduring....just getting through....those are the days of my LIFE. These days precious minutes/hours/seconds that will be gone forever.  They are not something to be endured, to "get through" or just bear.....this is the only time I will get to share; to experience; to learn; to love.  I have wasted so much time waiting for better days.....I have missed so many small joyous moments waiting for the drama of big events.  My new goal is to find joy along the way....to look for roses to smell along the path....to slow down in traffic enough to enjoy getting to the place I look forward to going. 

I am getting better at this.  I have taken the time to slow down and realize that I should be finding more joy in every situation.  I’d like to say that I was 100% successful, but that’s not even possible…..but  I’m better than I was before – so that counts as success.

7.  Mindfulness  This goal goes hand-in-hand with finding joy in the journey.  I want to really, truly savor things and be mindful of each blessing.  I have rushed to get through work, rushed to run errands, rushed to eat, rushed to clean, rushed to do just about every task that I have to do and I miss so much in my hustle-and-bustle hurry!  How many, many times have I squandered the simple joys of feeling sunshine on my arms, a cool breeze in my face....I have given up savoring the rich taste of my morning coffee, stopping to breathe deeply to inhale the fresh scent after the rain, and cherishing the exchange of quiet smiles of the ones I love. I need to just S-L-O-W D-O-W-N and really experience things with all of my senses.  To be mindful of even the small, seemingly insignificant things and count them as blessings. How much richer my life will be!!!

Again, I am getting better at this as time passes.   I’m not where I want to be, but I’m farther along than I was and this is still my goal.

8.  Keeping in Touch - with my family across the globe, with far-flung friends who have moved, with family and friends who stayed put when we keep moving......remembering the good times, remembering the love and laughter we have shared.......and remembering to reach out to those special, precious people to let them know I'm thinking of them.  This is something I have neglected, but want to remember to do!  This year, I want to be more about interacting, engaging, and connecting and a LOT less about isolating. 

 

I did call my Mom almost every single day;  I spoke with my sister more.  I have to let the kids drive our correspondence so I’m not too needy with them…..but I have reached out to a couple of far-flung friends.  Not too bad for this goal

9.  Banishing Fear - Fear of being alone; Fear of being wrong; Fear of loss;  Fear of missing out; Fear of failure;  Fear of the dark; Fear of FEAR itself.  Fear of just about everything.  I am tired of being afraid. Adventures, Risks, and (controlled) Danger.....I am seeking you out this year!

I rode roller-coasters. More than one.   I got lost in a foreign city in France – where I didn’t speak French and I didn’t think I could make it back to the ship…but I did.   I snorkeled!! With my face in the water and I saw THINGS!!!  I managed a mine-field of sea-urchins (albeit with a few tears and LOTS of fear).   I ate weird foods: snails, alligator, muscles, sushi, frog legs…..and I liked most of them!   I stayed by myself and was only a wee-little bit afraid.  Slowly, but surely….facing those fears!

10.  Continuing to navigate the mine-field of parenting adult children - Still struggling with how to interact with my kids, now that they aren't kids anymore.   They are adults: living adult lives, doing adult things, and making adult decisions.  That I often don't agree with, believe in, or endorse.  But I still love them with more than my whole heart.  And I want to support them and encourage them and still have a relationship with them.  And it's hard.  And it hurts.  But it's worth it.

It doesn’t seem like I can spin all of these parent-adult-child plates at the same time.  One or the other tends to wobble and threatens to break.   It’s so difficult.   Sometimes I get it right…..but often I am left feeling resentful, sad, and broken-hearted.  There were some glittering moments of perfection, lots of ups and downs, and some outright nose-dive wrecks.  But it was still worth it.

11. Marriage - My marriage is precious. It is my shelter from the world, a refuge where I am safe and loved - no matter if I'm getting older, uglier, fatter, or crazier.  I want to feed and nurture my relationship with my amazing husband.  It just seems to get sweeter and sweeter as time goes by.  Our love grows deeper, more mature, and has endured more trials.  I want to acknowledge him more....show him that I love him unconditionally and without reservation.   I want him to experience the sweetness and romance that he bestows on me.  His thoughtfulness, his playfulness, his gifts and acts of service and words of love.......I need to be better at expressing all of these things back to him.

It just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. 

Childhood Christmas Seasons

I still get nostalgic when I think back to all of those growing-up Christmas times.   Sure, there was a time I believed in Santa Claus, but I honestly don’t remember that far back.   My memories begin around elementary school age and those are the best ones.    I loved the Christmas coloring pages  that our teachers mimeographed and handed out to the class – still warm and smelling inky with that blue mimeograph smell.   I loved outlining the pictures first, then coloring in the pretty pages.   We would also do find-a-word and other word puzzles with Holiday themes.  We would make crafts to give our parents as gifts…..thick with white glue and magical sprinkles of glitter……clothes pin reindeer, coke-bottle Santas, felt elves stiff with glue…..all ready to hang on the Christmas tree!  Classroom parties with brightly iced cupcakes, red fruit-punch and pretty decorated cookies.  Our teachers almost always gave us a gift of pencils with our names on them!  OH, how I loved those personalized pencils that were MINE, all MINE!!! I’ve always had a particular yen for school supplies. 

Church was one of my favorite parts of Christmas.  I was mesmerized by the Christmas plays and musicals and I loved the reverent, soft music and the joyful tidings of great joy to all people!  I loved the scent of the giant live Christmas tree that they would always bring in to the front of the church!  Does anything smell as good??   There were always little boy shepherds wearing bathrobes and sheets tied on with ropes.  There was always  a sweet little girl Mary in a white gown with a blue head-covering, lovingly clutching a baby-doll baby Jesus in a make-shift manger.   My Sunday school teacher would always make sure there was a present or two under the tree for me….a book, a doll, a bottle of nail polish, Tinkerbelle pretend make-up, puzzles, etc….  and every year……EVERY year, without fail.  The church gave out Christmas sacks.  The Christmas Sack contained different things…..but always, always had an orange, an apple, some nuts, and some peppermints.   Some years, there were other candies, crackers, treats……but always the orange, apple, nuts, and peppermints.  That combination of smells – along with the heady pine tree scent of the church Christmas tree will always, always smell like Christmas to me.   I loved singing Silent Night, O Come All Ye Faithful, and It Came Upon a Midnight Clear……..O Little Town of Bethlehem, Joy to the World, and Go Tell It On The Mountain, and Away in a Manger.   Even as a very small child, I could feel the palpable sense of hope and good-will at this time of year.  

I love the sound of the Salvation Army bell ringers as I go in/out of stores.   As a child, we lived behind K-Mart and I remember walking over there and hearing the tinkling ringing of the bell and seeing the red kettle for donations and I remember how much I wanted to give to children who had less than me.   That sound still inspires that wish…..that desire to help my fellow man.

My Dad left us when I was a very small girl, about 6 years old.  I don’t actually remember much about Christmas before he left.  My Christmas Memories are all after that age.  I remember my Mom, who worked 2 jobs…would save and put toys on lay-a-way at K-Mart and Otasco…she would save all year to make sure we had a good Christmas.  Christmas was one of the few times of the year that she was at home….and we would spend the night at home with her at Battlewood apartments.  We would put up a tree – usually a live one – not always pretty, not always store-bought (sometimes cut down from the side of an over-grown ditch) but it was always transformed into a magical tree by twinkling colored lights, glass bulbs, and lots of pretty, silver tinsel that we called “icicles.”  I remember lying in the floor in the dark, looking up into the twinkling lights, and dreaming magical good dreams and imagining all sorts of good things.  Everything seemed possible...and even probable under the glow of the Christmas tree lights. 

I loved, loved, and loved watching the Christmas specials on TV.  Frosty the Snowman, The Year without a Santa Claus, Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer, and Rudolph’s Shiny New Year.  Miracle on 34^th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, And of course......A Charlie Brown Christmas and How The Grinch Stole Christmas!  My Mamaw would make a big bowl of popcorn on the stove-top or a pot of hot chocolate for us and we would feast on these special treats and absorb all of the animated magic from the TV while we sat beside the magical Christmas tree. 

Another Christmas memory is thinking about all of our family’s traditional Holiday foods.   The turkey or chicken and home-made cornbread dressing, a giant ham basted in sweet glaze, beans, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, mac and cheese, and any assortment of other savory goods....but the REAL treat was the sweets and desserts.   Million-Dollar Pie, my Mamaw’s Dried-Fruit Layer Cake – stacked a mile high with precious dried fruit in between the luscious layers. My papaw’s favorite: Coconut and Orange cake – made in an 11 X 9 inch cake pain, thick with white, cooked frosting and moist orange-juice soaked cake layers.  Jello Poke Cakes, red and green sour balls made from jello packets and coconuts, homemade banana pudding, strawberry shortcake – also stacked high and served with plenty of whipped cream.   Pumpkin AND Sweet Potato pies, Chocolate pies with meringue on top, coconut-cream pies on tender flaky crust, Christmas Sugar cookies- cut out with my Mom’s red Christmas cookie-cutters shaped like Old Saint Nick and stockings and stars....usually decorated with red and green sugar-glitter and sprinkles.  Mamaw’s tea-cake cookies, chocolate-covered peanut-butter balls, and any other number of goodies.

And the sounds of the season!  Mitch Miller and the Gang was our perennial favorite!  I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Must Be Santa, Frosty the Snowman, The Christmas Song, and Silver Bells!   Theses songs are the very essence of my childhood Christmas.   We would sit on the couch and sing along with Mitch and the Gang.  Every year. 

At least one night in this magical season, Mom and Mamaw would bundle us up in our heavy coats and blankets and we would ride around town, looking for the best Christmas light displays!   Oh, how I loved Christmas light nights!!  Houses lit-up like magical gingerbread houses, Santa landing on roofs, prancing reindeer in the yards.....it always created such an anticipation of the BIG DAY! 

Speaking of anticipation......I can remember being tucked in early on Christmas Eve....so excited that sleep wouldn’t come for literally HOURS after we went to bed.  Giggling with my little sister, trying to guess what Santa would leave for us under the tree the next morning....and in our later years, straining to hear the crinkle of wrapping paper to again try to guess what was in our Christmas morning futures.  

How, how I missed those sweet, precious, innocent, and magical Childhood Christmas Seasons!!!

Christmas Eve Home Health Adventures

Nurses have to work on holidays.   This is a given.  While the rest of the world celebrates Christmas, Nurses show up for patient care because sickness doesn’t take holidays.  As a home health nurse, the week of Christmas is usually one of the busiest times of the year because hospitals and nursing homes do the annual Christmas “dump” of patients – most of whom aren’t really well enough or stable enough to go home yet – but the facilities have minimal staffing for the Holidays as well – so they discharge anyone and everyone they can.    So home care nurses are often over-worked and saddled with patients who have no business being at home in the first place.  

Cue the scene:   It’s Christmas Eve in the late 1990's…..a foggy, chilly day in Chattanooga – foggier still along the banks of the Tennessee River.  I have a busy schedule of 8 patients to see – strewn across approximately 200 miles of Hamilton County.   It’s late afternoon and I’m heading up to see a patient in Possum Creek, TN.  Yes, it  is a real place.  No, I’m not making it up.   Possum Creek is north of Soddy Daisy, but south of Bakewell – situated in one of the most beautiful, scenic areas in Northern Hamilton county.  It is a very rural area – no stop-light even.  No Wal-mart.  Not even a McDonalds.    Just pretty countryside, lots of forests, and a stretch of pristine lake-front fishing spots.  I enjoy seeing patients in Possum Creek because of the lack of traffic, the friendliness of the folks who live there, and the breath-taking beauty and scenic views.  The fog settling in over the landscape made the scene particularly beautiful just before Christmas.

This particular Christmas Eve, I was driving out to see a patient who lived at the end of a long and winding road;  the road was paved – but not well maintained.  Pot-holes made for a bumpy ride.  The fog drifted in and out across the road in lower lying areas in patches and it was a frosty kind of afternoon.  Very pretty, but cold.   I made it to my patient’s house.  She lived in a ramshackle little white house with a carport on one side and lots of trees.  There were car parts, boxes of stuff, and broken down cars dotting the back and side yards and car port.   The patient had some pretty bad arterial wounds on both of her feet and just come back from a prolonged hospital stay. 

 

While she was in the hospital, she had a bit of a “home invasion” situation….someone had broken into her home, ransacked the kitchen – spilling out all of the cornflakes out of the box, across the table and onto the floor;' they also knocked over the flour canister, ripped up the upholstering on her kitchen chairs, chewed on some wires to the telephone, and had defecated and urinated on almost every visible surface.   The marauding bandits were a family of brave raccoons.  Their masked faces and ringed-tails making them look like escaped prisoners indeed.  My little patient never missed a beat.  She just looked at me from under hooded, wrinkled eyes after relating the tale of woe and said, “You ain’t never smelt nuthin’ more nasty than coon piss in yer kitchen.”  I guess not. 

 

She was a woman of few words; slow to speak, thoughtful about what she was going to say.  As back-woods country as the day is long, but sweeter than the sugar the raccoons had strewn about the kitchen floor.  I enjoyed seeing her and enjoyed her country wisdom.

As our visit progressed, I was changing the bandages on the extensive wounds to her feet and she was tolerating it fairly well, given the amount of pain it caused her.  We were almost finished when her brother opened up the screen door near us, holding up a bloody stump of a dead squirrel.  He said, “Sissy, If’en I skin this here squirrel, will you cook us up some dumplins to go with ‘em?” 

My little patient was slow to respond, looking at him for a long, hard minute before she drawled, “Earl, whar’d you get that squirrel?” 

He answered very quickly, “I was on my ways over here and the truck in front of me hit ‘em!  I know he was fresh because when I got to ‘em, he was still a jerkin and I had to knock him in the head with a wrench to kill ‘em.”  

My patient shakes her head that she understands and slowly responds, “Yeah, I reckon I’ll cook him and make up some dumplins fer dinner.”

I was fascinated with the exchange.  For yes....indeed, my Granny Clampet patient and her brothers were going to have road-kill squirrel for Christmas Eve dinner.   

I saw her again the day after Christmas and happened to remember to ask her how the squirrel and dumplins were....she acknowledged that it was “purty good.”   I asked her if there were any left-overs and she looked at me like I had sprouted 3 heads and slowly responded, ‘Nah.  Ain’t much eatin’ on a squirrel.  They’re real small-like.”   

Lesson Learned.

Waiting for the Wedding!!!!

How does it feel the day before my son’s wedding?  Exciting!  But I also have an over-arching anxiety that things will go well and he will have happy memories of this special day.  I am thrilled to be seeing far-flung family members, but also anxious that everyone will get along together and not cause a scene.  I know I can’t be the only one who feels the tension when extended family comes together.   My daughter is in the skies even as I type this….in an airplane high above the earth, zooming along at speeds exceeding hundreds of miles per hour……and in light of the scary news stories of airplane bombs, crashes, and disasters…..I am a nervous wreck and will be until she is safely on the ground again.   I have family driving in from 2 ½ hours away and I pray for their safety during the trip as well.   I pray for teenagers who have nasty, selfish attitudes and think that everything is about them…..when all I want is for this special day to be all about my son and his new wife.  I am holding my breath that they don’t cause ugly scenes.   

I am excited that my son has found his love….they have dated for a little over 4 years and have been engaged for the last year.   He is genuinely happy and excited about starting his new life as a married man.  He has  been wanting to wear his wedding ring since he got it a couple of weeks ago and he has proudly texted me pictures of their wedding license…..all signed and ready to be official tomorrow afternoon as soon as the vows are exchanged!

I have been running around, trying to make sure that I look presentable and will not embarrass my son or family and I want to look as nice as possible because wedding pictures will be around forever.   I have been dieting like a fiend for over a month and haven’t eaten carbs in weeks and weeks.  I got my nails done last night, I picked out fancy shoes, I have the dress pressed and hanging in the closet and the rest of my clothes and spanx in the suitcase.   I Have experimented with make-up (and ended up looking like a hooker with black eyes) and I have experimented with my hair….which is basically hopeless at this point.  My approach to hair care is basically…I wash it and comb it and whatever it does is whatever it does.  It will not submit to curlers, flatteners, or even bobby pins.  After 48 years of fussing with it, I have learned:  it is what It is….which is usually some thing between scare-crow and flat-head-Fred.   I have a new purse to carry that matches my new shoes.  I have even worn the shoes at home while doing housework to try to get used to wearing a high-heel….but that might be hopeless.  I will at least make it through the ceremony…..but my body was not built to be carried around on stiletto heels.   (Not that my new heels are in any fashion “stiletto”….they are a very sensible 2 ½ inch heel….but they feel 10 feet tall to me…..because I tend to stick to  comfortable old-lady orthopedic type shoes that more resemble Brogans than fashionable footwear.     But, surely I can manage to get through a 2 hour period with the shoes on my feet without tripping or breaking an ankle.  Surely.  Please???? 

I had to get my dog ready to go to the kennel for the duration of our trip to Nashville and our post-wedding cruise with the kids.  I bagged up her dog-food last night and she was SOOO excited about that.  She kept looking at me with her little head cocked to the side, as if to ask me, “Mommy…..whattcha doin with my food?”   But it is bagged, tagged, and ready to go!   I had to love on her a little extra this morning and give her a few extra hugs and belly-rubs.  I know she doesn’t understand that I was telling her that I would miss her…..but she did lick my chin and act like I was her favorite person EVER.   Does anybody else cry when they say good bye to their dog for a week?   I’m afraid I’m becoming one of those crazy ladies. 

Speaking of crying…I’ve done way too much of THAT this week.  I made a little locket for Jaron to wear inside his label during his wedding….it has a picture of my Grandmother – our Mamaw.   I know she would be so proud of him and would have been there, sitting on the front row, cheering him on if she was still with us.   This way, she will be there with him – right over his  heart.   I got all choked up, thinking about her…thinking about him….and missing and grieving.   Grief gets better with time, but it never quiet goes away. All it takes is one thought, one smell, one memory…..and I’m crying like Niagara Falls.

So, what do I do next?  Look back through all of  Jaron’s baby pictures…remembering the day he was born and the day I brought him home from the hospital….the day he was potty trained, the day he started kindergarten, the day he got expelled from kindergarten, the day we were told that he would have to repeat kindergarten because of his behavior issues, the day he FINALLY started first grade, the day he learned to ride a bike, the days we laughed at his crazy antics and jokes, the days we cried with frustration over his behavior and the consequences of his poor choices, the nights we stood over his bed while he was sleeping – praying for him.   And of course, I cried.  Big- Ugly cried.   Snot-flying, face-swelling-up-eyes-red –for-days cried.  

I cried because of all the past pain, all the past joy, all the past moments in between. I cried because I miss that little freckle-faced boy……and because I’m so happy that little freckle-faced boy is now a 6’2” young man. I cried because I am so happy that he has found peace and happiness and purpose.   I cried because I love him with a love so fierce.  

I am a hot mess of crying.  I need to get a grip….because I’m running out of make-up and Kleenex and I’m about to wash the contacts right out of my eyeballs with all these dumb tears!   I’m not sad in the least – I am thrilled!  And happy!  And excited!  And anticipating!  And, and, and, and, and………

 

The funny thing is that I'm not the only one in our family who is all twitter-pated.   Steve freaked out last night....sending Jaron a message to set his alarm clock to get up this morning in order to check into his flight for Saturday morning at 7:40am.   Turns out.....Jaron doesn't HAVE a 7:40am flight to Nashville tomorrow morning - he is already IN Nashville.   Only Steve and I have a flight at 7:40am tomorrow morning  - to get us TO Nashville!  Hahahahaha!!!  I'm not the only one excited!!! :)

How many minutes until tomorrow?