Palm Sunday...memories of my own trip down the Mount of Olives into Jerusalem

This year, we made a pilgrimage, a trip of a lifetime the Holy Land, Israel.   That trip has completely changed my life and the way I read my Bible and the way I relate to the beloved Bible Stories that I've heard all my life.   Today is Palm Sunday and I well remember a couple of months ago, standing on the Mount of Olives, overlooking the city of Jerusalem on near to the same exact spot where Jesus stood that day as he looked out over his beloved city and wept.   I remember the cooling breeze on my face, the sounds of the city below, the birds chirping in the nearby trees......and I remember the overwhelming sense of history and awe that I felt, standing in the same area that He stood so many, many years ago.
                           
View from the top of the Mount of Olives, The Old City of Jerusalem, across the Kidron Valley


We started out at the top of the Mountain, with a magnificent view of the old city sprawling out below us, just beyond the Kidron Valley. The sides of the Mount of Olives and the sides of the Temple Mount are now covered in cemeteries.  The Jews on the Mount of Olives, and the Muslims on the side of the Temple Mount, in front of the sealed-off Beautiful Gates of the Triumphant Entry (also called the Golden Gates). The gates are bricked up and sealed tight for hundreds of years now, and guarded by the dead Muslims graves because they feared that the Messiah would return as promised and would enter through those gates as prophesied, and they didn't want that happening.  Pretty drastic measures, don't you think?  As if a few bricks and mortar and graves could stop the power of our God! 
   

The Beautiful Gates (site of the Triumphant Entry), all sealed and bricked up

We stood there, taking in the scenery and we were approached by a man with a donkey who kept harassing us to "Take a Ride on his Jesus-Taxi" for only $5.    No one took him up on it.....I, for one, couldn't imagine riding down the narrow, steep roads on a donkey as a lark....almost as if poking fun of the way Jesus rode into the city on that day.   I did like seeing the donkey.....and it did bring the story to life for me, as I could only imagine more clearly the donkey he road that day.

Donkey on the Mount of Olives

I have read and heard preached why Jesus came into the city on a donkey.  A donkey is a docile, peaceful animal.  If he had come in on a horse (as he will in the End Times) it would have been a signal of war.  Horses were ridden into war.  Donkeys were beasts of burden, for peaceful times. And he rode the colt of a donkey. People laid their cloaks over the donkey and in the road in front of the donkey and the threw palm fronds down to cover the dusty road in front of him as if welcoming their King.  They lined the narrow streets, waving palm fronds and chanting "Blessed is He who comes in the name of THE LORD! Hosanna, Hosanna!"  Do we stand among the crowd?  Our hearts thrilling to see our King riding by.....tears of joy streaming down our faces as we bow and throw our clothing down to cover the dirty road and as we sing out praise with all our hearts?  Remember that these same adoring crowds on Palm Sunday are some of the same people who cried out just as passionately "Crucify Him!" but a week later.  Oh, yes.  Sadly, we are among the crowd.

The passage down the mount is steep and narrow

Can you imagine how Jesus felt?  He was receiving praise and adulation of the crowds, but He also knew what was coming.  He knew what would happen and he knew the hearts and minds of the people calling out to Him so joyously that day.  I can only imagine Him looking down into the faces of each person, making eye contact and feeling the pain of their inevitable betrayal even then. About half way down the Mount of Olives, we stopped at the place where it is said that Jesus stopped, to look over his beloved city and there, he wept for Jerusalem.  He knew the pain and desolation coming to them.  He knew they would refuse to believe and repent.  He knew they would pay a terrible and horrendous consequence for their unbelief.  And it broke his heart.  This was his creation, his masterpiece. His Holy City.  His people, his children.  His creation.  And they refused to know who he really was.   He said that he longed to gather them under his wings like a Mother Hen would gather her chicks to protect them.  This reminds me of how God hid Moses in the Cleft of the Rock and covered him with His hand to protect him.  Oh, the provision of God for us! 

 Mosaic inside the Church, built where Jesus stood to overlook the city and where he Wept.

                       The passage of scripture describing the events that took place at this spot.

I remember sitting there on the side of that mountain in the coolness of that January morning, just in silent prayer and thinking about the fact that Jesus walked these hills and valleys.  This was his home.  This is where so much of Bible History took place and the fact that I too was allowed to stand there and see these things come to life before my very eyes......it was very humbling.  As I head into this Holy Week, I do so with a mindfulness that I haven't had before.  The stories in the Bible aren't just dusty tales of another time to me now.   They are living, breathing stories with a place in time and space and having walked in the land myself, they are more than cloth pictures on the flannel boards of my Sunday School memories.  What a precious gift!!  Hosanna! Hosanna!!  Blessed is He who comes in the name of THE LORD!

                 Looking up at the Beautiful Gates, now blocked off by bricks and a Muslim Graveyard

                                Looking out over the City of David from the Mount of Olives

my random goals for 2017

goals for 2017

• Positivity and Enthusiasm- I want to be the sunshine in the room, not the sucking black-hole of pitiful complaints.  I want to be radiant and warm the face of everyone I come in contact with in the course of a day.  I want to make people feel special, happy, and cared for.  I want to focus on the best and the brightest and always find the silver lining.  I want to make people smile,  giggle, gaffaw, and belly-laugh until they snort!  I want to reflect the light of Christ in a darkened world.  I want to give hugs to the lonely. I want to touch the tender and hurting and bring wholeness and healing.

• Gratitude – I want to be truly thankful for the blessings in my life.  I don’t want to live with an entitlement mentality – I want to live with a sense of wonder!  A sense of delight!  Everything I have, every moment I live, every breath I breathe, every beat of my heart and flutter of my eyes is a gift!!!  A gift!!  I need to be mindful and thankful for the blessings…little and great!  I am so very blessed!  .   I read a statement today that struck a chord with me:  I want to stop saying “Sorry” and start saying “Thank you” instead…..instead of saying, “Sorry I’m late….”  I will say, “Thank you for waiting for me!”   or saying, “I’m sorry I’m such a mess…..” say instead , “Thank you for loving me unconditionally!”  it will change the way I think about how I feel, and instead of sending out my usual negative vibes, I will send out messages of  gratitude instead!  I looooove the idea of that!!!!                                                                                                                                                                                                     

• Spirituality-  I’m like a faucet with hot and cold running water…..and lately I’ve been lukewarm at best, icy-frigid at worst.  My soul longs for more than mere attendance at church on Sunday mornings.  I need the deep relationship with God that I so terribly miss.  I downloaded a new AP on my ipad today and signed up for some guided studies that should help keep me on track with digging deeper in God's word, spending time in prayer, and really seeking His face.

• Random Acts of Kindness - a few weeks ago, I paid for someone's coffee thru the drive-thru at Dunkin Donuts and then I giggled all the way to work that morning!  It felt so good to anonymously do something...something small and insignificant, but nice for someone!  They will never know who did it and that makes it even cooler! I want to do more of this type of thing!  Generosity feels good!
  

• Awkwardness - I am an awkward being.  I always have been.  I never know what to say, what to do with my hands, how to sit, how to approach someone and say the right thing.......I say the first thing that pops into my head, which is usually something other people consider "odd" or "weird."   But.....I am just awkward.  At this stage in the game of life, it's not likely something I will ever grow-out of....it's been almost 50 years and it's still awkward.  I have really good intentions!  I really do!  I want to make a witty comment, give a sincere compliment, make someone happy......but instead, I blurt out something odd and end up making everyone look uncomfortable.  Sigh.  I need to learn to embrace my awkwardness and somehow, may my awkwardness a bit less.....well, awkward.  Just know that if I ever walk up to you and say something weird, odd, or off-putting...please know that it took a LOT of courage for me to initiate the conversation.....and my heart is in the right place, even if I bumble it.  I just want to have a nice conversation....like people do.  I just seem to approach it from a different angle.   I'm going to try to read up on the "art of conversation" and see if I can become more eloquent through study......I didn't get to actually kiss THE Blarney Stone this year....although I kissed A random stone in the gardens at the Blarney Castle.......but I wasn't suddenly overcome with a sense of eloquence and able conversation....so alas.....I must continue my quest for less embarrassing interpersonal interactions. I'm working on it!

• Boundaries and saying NO  when I mean NO - Hoo-Boy.  This one is difficult for me.  I really, really need to work on this one.  I typically say "YES"....even when I want to scream NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  and I end up resenting the person asking, the task I have reluctantly agreed to take on, and myself for not being strong enough to simply say the word, "NO."   I've never been good at it.  I've always had the overwhelming desire to please everyone...so saying NO seems mean, non-courteous, hard-hearted, and not very polite or helpful.  But sometimes, saying NO when I really, truly don't want to do the task at hand is EXACTLY what I need to say.  I need to learn to say no to inconvenience......and especially when an activity would take time away from my family.  I am very guilty of saying "YES" and then carrying around a grudge for weeks because of resentment.   I need to learn how to gracefully decline without guilt.

• Hobbies  -  I end up neglecting doing some of my favorite things...when my favorite things are the VERY things that bring me happiness!!  I sit and look at Facebook for hours on end....instead of writing, drawing, coloring, taking photos, exercising, creating, reading, cooking/baking, etc.......  I let my laziness get in the way of the joy of creating something with my own hands.  I need to rediscover what hobbies make me happy!!  It may not be the same thing that worked for me 5-10 years ago.  I'm not the same person I was then.  I've evolved, changed, and become someone new! I need to try new things so I can learn what I like and what makes me happy!

• Self-care and self-kindness - this is a hold-over from last year, and the year before that, and the year before that....and so on.............back to....oh, probably in-utero.  I tend to want to take care of everyone around me...my husband, my kids, my family, my co-workers, etc...........and the last person on the list is usually ME.  I don't fuel my body with nutritious fuel, I don't drink enough water. I don't rest enough.  I don't relax and deep breathe enough.  I have started taking a nightly bath.....which is for the purpose of de-stressing.  I need to add in some physical activity to challenge my body, some mental discipline to challenge my mind, and some relaxation to renew my soul and spirit.  I am terribly hard on myself.  The way I speak to myself in my mind would NOT be an acceptable way to address a friend.  That is kind of sad.  It needs work.
  

• Living in the NOW - mindfulness.  being fully engaged.  Not multitasking and being absent-minded, going through the motions.  I want to feel the wind on my face, hear the birds chirping happily in the trees, feel the tickle of the green grass under my feet, and savor the smell of the roses. 

• Joy- hand-in-hand with mindfulness is finding the joy along the way.  Experiencing the sights, smells, sounds, sensations of everyday activities.  I take so much for granted!

• Unplugged time - I spend most of my work-day tied to a computer or phone.  I need to unplug from time to time....allow myself to disengage from the 24/7 news cycle.  it would decrease my stress level immensely.

• Unclutter  - and I need to unclutter my life.  My desk looks like a paper-bomb went off....throwing papers haphazardly hither and yon in my office.  I need to better organize, to straighten, to streamline.  Same in my kitchen.  Same in my closets, same in our storage areas.  My kitchen junk drawers.  My goodness!! How may ink pens that no longer write are in those drawers?  How many purses that haven't seen the light of day since the 1990's?  How many clothes that aren't even in style or no longer fit?  I need to cull through a lot of junk and take stock of what I really NEED.   

Day Dreams

Just thinking and musing and wondering and spacing out….staring into the distance, seeing nothing really, but yet seeing my day-dreams.  What do I dream about while wide-awake?  What shows on the movie-screen of my mind as I zone out and imagine? 

I dream about traveling – going on magical voyages and seeing mystical lands.  I dream about flying freely – like a bird through the bright blue yonder….  I dream about misty waterfalls and gentle babbling brooks and fireflies that dance as the evening dew falls.  Castles that rise from the mist and knights on white horses wooing innocent maidens wearing pastel, long dresses with empire waistlines and wearing regal diamond tiaras that sparkle in the sunshine. Fairies that flit from flower to flower and gnomes that hide take naps behind fat mushrooms in the filtered sun-dappled deep forest.   I dream of flying dragons, good triumphing over evil and the nice guy finishing first.

I dream about peaceful sleep and taking deep breaths of clean, fresh air.  I dream about wide open fields with soft green grass and pretty yellow buttercups on a brisk spring day under bright robin’s egg blue skies.  I dream about rolling hills and wispy soft green leaves that are newly formed on formerly bare branches. I dream about morning fog, rolling across the meadows and low places…slowly dissipating in the morning sun like the vapor that is our lives.  I dream of a newly born fawn, standing on wobbley, untried knees and rainbow-hued butterflies that kiss the upturned faces of the expectant flowers.

I dream about clear blue waters caressing soft, white sands in a never ending, undulating and seductive dance.  Mesmerizing green plan trees swaying in the breeze to the beat of nature’s heart. I dream about the smell of salt and brine and sweetly fragrant jasmine flowers, mingling in the wind as I doze in a hammock in the shade of the trees.

I dream about fields of wild flowers frolicking over the hills and dales…buttercups, jonquils, lilies, lilacs, iris, and wild-honeysuckle. I dream of soft, green moss carpeting the forest floor…dotted with fat, brown acorns here and there.   I dream of billowy, puffy white clouds drifting in a cerulean sky.

I dream of children laughing, calling to one another while they run and play.  I dream of splashing in the refreshing spray of a water-hose and sharing half a banana popsicle with my little sister.   I dream of lying on a quilt in the shade, lost in the adventure stories of Pipi Longstockings, Nancy Drew, and Anne of Green Gables.  I dream of ice-cold grape kool-aid in a paper Dixie cup.  I dream of playing with matchbox cars, making pretend roads in the dirt and gravel and of dressing up my Barbie dolls in an array of splendorous high fashion outfits.  

I dream of coloring pictures in a coloring book – lying on my stomach, concentrating on staying inside the lines and matching the colors.  I dream of creating….of expressing….of becoming.

I dream of cool, sweet, juicy, crisp chunks of watermelon sprinkled with a smidgin of salt.  I dream of crunchy corndogs dipped in yellow mustard.  I dream of a fresh, red, ripe tomato right off the vine – still warm from the summer sun.  I dream of creamy, sweet vanilla icecream made in a churn on the carport.  I dream of fragrantly strong coffee, steaming in a cup - warming my hands on a chilly morning.

I dream of babies – soft, cherubic, cooing,…..smelling like Baby Magic, milk, and bath-time  - all wrapped up like baby burritos in soft, pastel blankets.  I dream of kisses on my cheeks and safe hugs from strong arms.  I dream of lullabies and soft lyrics, being rocked to sleep.

I dream of the coconuty-cocoa butter smell of suntan oil and the faint scent of chlorine from the pool.  I dream of the rough warmed of a beach towel spread out beneath me as I laze and soak up the sunshine. 

I dream of romping puppy dogs and kitty cats, frisky and playful.  I dream of wet noses and sweet puppy breath kisses and wagging tails and fluffy, contented purrs and furry snuggles.

I dream of dreaming…..sleeping, smiling, beguiling, wandering, peaceful and relaxed on a bed of fluffy softness, surrounded by love.   To sleep....perchance, to dream.

My glimpse into the Kaleidoscope this week......

I just spent the past week working "in the field" as a home health nurse to fill in for 2 sick nurses and 1 nurse on vacation at my brand new job.  It was exhausting.....an explanation for my home-care buddies, I was doing an average of 8 points per day on HCHB.....and because I am a rusty-field nurse, the documentation was KILLING me!  But, I got faster and more adept at using my smart-phone to document my visits as the week wore on.....but I am not NEARLY as young as I used to be when I was out doing 8-10 points daily when I first started out in home care.  I did realize a bunch of things this week....and I was reminded time and again WHY I am a nurse to begin with.   Here are a few of my lessons:

Nursing is HARD work.  At one visit, I did a wound vac visit on a stage 4 decubitus ulcer that I could fit both fists into.....practically standing on my head for the 40 minutes it took me to undress, clean, measure, repack, and re-seal the wound.  The patient's only bed was a couch that sat about 6 inches off the floor and he wasn't able to transfer to any other (higher) surface for me to do the wound care.   After about 20 minutes of bending/stooping down in the precarious position, my legs started to shake.....and after about 30 minutes, sweat was dripping off my nose and by the time I finished and the wound vac machine let us know we were successfully sealed tight, I was ready to cry.  I had to limp back out to my car.  My legs and back were sore the rest of the week.  Nursing is hard work.

Nursing is sometimes thankless work.  I saw a patient this week who literally screamed at me; red faced, spit-flying, cursing, yelling.....she was most unhappy.   Her unhappiness was not my fault.....and there was absolutely nothing I could do at that time to fix what made her unhappy. All I could do was allow her to vent her frustrations, while trying to maintain a calm, objective demeanor and offer support.  I left her home feeling like a verbal-punching bag that had been given a royal punching.  I actually cried once I got back inside my car.  Not really because she hurt my feelings, not because she had yelled at me and spit at me in her rage.....but mostly because it was just emotionally draining and I also needed to vent.  So I got in the car,  rolled up the windows, turned up the radio, and did a little 2 minute therapeutic bawling session.  Then I was able to dry my tears, blow my nose, and move on with my day.

Sometimes, nursing is just gross work.   I visited one home that smelled like giant litter-box (and they didn't even have a cat!!) and I visited one home where a poor, pitiful, old, blind bulldog kept scooting and dragging his butt on the nasty shag carpet the entire time I was there. I visited one home where the carpet was so matted and disgustingly dirty that you couldn't tell it was carpet and not a dirt floor.  More than one house had so many roaches that the surfaces of the furniture seemed to be alive with scurrying movement. Some wounds smell like rotting, festering hamburger meat left out in the sun.  Some homes are just like the ones on that TV Show about hoarders - garbage, newspapers, magazines, car parts, empty 2 liter coke bottles, all piled up from the floor to the ceiling with only narrow 1 foot pathways into and out of rooms.  Some old men patients are "handsy" and "grabby" and eagerly hold their arm up for their blood pressure to be taken, always managing to somehow graze your boobs with the back of their hands, no matter how artfully you dodge.

But sometimes.......often times.....usually......nursing is BEST work.   I was thinking about how I am a guest in these patient's homes.  I am invited into their homes during a crisis.....usually right after a major diagnosis or hospitalization or injury.....and my job is to help the patient and family make sense of their new reality and to teach them the skills to cope with their illnes - be it insulin injections, a new and difficult diet, changing an ostomy bag, or how to take their myriad of new medications.  I get to meet them where they live.....in their most vulnerable and intimate spaces...and I get to minister to them.   I get to explain, teach, soothe, treat, explain, touch, care, and heal.

I was thinking about how many different homes I had visited in just the span of a week.  All of the families and patients.....with all of the different cultures, religions, ethnic groups, life-experiences, and back-grounds they represent. And I thought about how I learned so many different things from each patient.

From the multi-million dollar mansion in a gated estate..... to low-rent senior high-rise apartments.... to modest suburban homes... to an RV in a campground..... to a mobile home park...... to what some would call "the ghetto"...to the assisted living facilities.  This week, I have been invited into all of these places to care for someone.  Doesn't that just blow my mind?   How many people in other professions EVER get this priceless chance to see and experience how so many other people live?

Some patients have loving, doting spouses.  Some patients have extended families with children, grand children and great-grandchildren all there to lend a hand.  Some patients live with friends.  Some patients live alone and long for companionship.  Some patients live with significant others or life partners and some patients live with their adult children. Some patients live with their cats or their dog. One of my patients lives with a pot-bellied pig.  One of my patients lives alone...and he is a nudist. One of my patients was a priest and he lives with other retired priests in a home run by the Catholic church.  One of my patients is a Buddhist.  One is an old hippie.  One is a Jehovah's Witness. One just got out of jail.  One is a retired navy-man. One is a disabled vet who lost a leg - he is only in his 20's. Several are Grandmas.  Several are great-grandpas.

Some patients are very private and quiet and want their visit to be over and done as quickly as possible.   Some patients are outgoing and boisterous and love to talk and tell stories and jokes and want you to spend as much time as possible with them, just for the company.  Some patients are warm and welcoming and some are merely tolerant.  Most patients are respectful.

This week, I was offered coffee, tea, water, soda.....and one special lady even wrapped up a piece of homemade rum cake for me to take with me for later (she didn't want me to eat rum cake and then drive).  I was given a piece of fresh coconut at one home - the lady and her family barely spoke English, but the ladies of her extended family were in the kitchen cooking for her and they wanted me to experience a taste of their culture.  One gentleman made me a tiny cup of Cuban Coffee....his specialty from his native country...and that was the most exquisite coffee I've ever tasted....and as powerful as jet-fuel!!  My left eye twitched the rest of the afternoon, but I had some zip and pep!

Each one of these patients and their families gave me a gift - a glimpse into their every day lives.  I've learned that we all have different customs, different values, different religions, different beliefs, different styles of clothing, different languages, different foods, different ideas.......but the glorious thing is that we can still all connect on such a human level!!  Disease, illness, sickness, injury - it happens to all of us.  We may not believe the same thing, we may not look the same, we may not sound the same - but we are all so similar as well in that....we all hurt....we all love....we all sleep...we all eat....we all suffer from the human condition. We are all on this planet together.  

I set out to minister to my patients - but as it turns out, they usually minister to me instead.  I am so much richer for having opened my eyes, mind, and heart to these patients.  The human experience really is a kaleidoscope - ever changing, ever beautiful, ever hopeful, ever poignant...colors shifting and changing shapes over and over again into mesmerizing patterns.

Words I do NOT enjoy

Words I absolutely do NOT enjoy:

Depot -    Because it should be De. Pot.   Or Depo.   No silent T.   The silent T is just sneaky.  I’m not fond of sneaky consonants. 

Island – Same issue as Depot.  It isn’t EYE-land or I-land…..but somehow it’s spelled “IS-Land”  A silent, sneaky S.   Why do we need a silent S?  Nope.  We actually DON’T need it.

Omelet – a wad of congealed scrambled eggs, limply lying on a plate.  As in…Omelet these eggs sit here in the pan and solidify because I’m too lazy to scramble them.  Omelet is just nasty.

 Cinch – whether it’s about the Cinch Bug or you want to say something is easy “as in, “It’s a cinch!”  It just sounds icky.  Cinch. Cinch. Cinch.  Ewwwwh.

Pianist – It’s an simply an awkward word.  PEE-an-Ist?  Pee-AN-ist?   I tend to just avoid the awkwardness all together and say, “That person who plays piano.” 

Caucus – It sounds like a dead body, not a quorum for voting. Caucus.  Yuck.

Gulch – it makes you swallow hard to even say it.  Like when you gag…. just before you throw-up. 

Flesh – There is just something almost sickening about the sound of this word:  Flesh.  Just don’t.

Slaw – As in, Cole Slaw.   Although I do enjoy eating a good coleslaw, it sounds like something you should throw to the pigs.  Sloppy Slaw.  Slaw.  Rubbish.  Garbage. Slaw.

Puce- as ugly sounding as the color looks.  Puce is the color of a healing bruise black-eye – still bruised and bluish, but also pinkish with tinges of nasty pea-green.  Puce.  Who thinks….I really, REALLY love the color PUCE?   Nobody. Ever.

Bangs – as in, what you call the fringe of hair on your forehead.  Bangs?  WHY?????? A gunshot?  Bangs, yes.  A door?  Slam it and it bangs, yes.  Hair on your forehead?  NO.  It doesn’t.  Stop it.

Schmear – like, what you order on your bagel.  It sounds like an accident, not something you’d actually WANT on your bagel.  

Wipe – because.  Ewwwwh. 

Menstruation – It has nothing to do with MEN.  The “Struation” makes it sound like a business transaction – which is obviously isn’t.   It’s just a gross word.  Period.   (Pun not intended – but happy accident!!) J

Colonel – because it’s just STUPID.   It’s not pronounced “Co-lon-el” like it should be.   It’s pronounced Kernel.  Like it shouldn’t be.   There is no R in this word!!!  WHY on EARTH do we pronounce it like there’s an R in this word???

Bologna – along the same lines as Colonel.  Because in what Universe does bologna sound like “Ball-on-ee?”   Ours.  Only ours.   Because. Bologna.

Phlegm – it’s onamatapia (however you spell it!!). It sounds like the disgusting, snotty, slimy thing that it is.

Smegma -  Also as gross as it sounds.  

Soggy – it conjures up visions of mildew, mold, soppy wet and muddy messes.  Soggy bread.  Ewwwh.  Soggy ground.  Soggy anything is just nasty.

Sherbet/Sorbet – Sherbet is just  sham ice cream.  An imposter ice cream.  A less creamy, less delicious stand-in for delicious, creamy ice cream.  And it should have an R in the end of the word:  Sher-BERT.  Because that’s how we say it.   And Sorbet is nothing but uppity sherbet. So snobbish.

Masticate – it sounds dirtier than just chewing.  It sounds shameful.  But we should all masticate our food properly.   Nope.  Still sounds dirty.  

Upholstery – The word makes no sense.  Downholstry?  Sideholestry?  NO?  Well, then why UPholstery?  Dumb word.

Amanda's Goals for 2016

It's time time of year again.  The week between Christmas and New Years Day when I set aside a good chunk of time and energy to review my life and progress of the past 12 months and look forward to the new beginning offered by the new year.

The New Year has always been some what of a exciting adventure for me.  The idea of it anyway.  I love the "Clean Slate"....the "Do-Over"....the grace afforded by a new start.  It's the same for me when I get an empty journal, a new notebook, and on a smaller scale - every Monday for a new week and on a even smaller scale - every morning when I open my eyes and get to begin a new day.   Too often, I find myself dragging yesterday's baggage into the new day....which I don't really have to do.  I'm promised new mercies every morning.....I just have to believe by faith.

So, we are approaching a brand new year.  12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days.....all full of possibility!!  What do I want to do with my life in 2016?  I have actually given that a great deal of thought.  Here's where I came out after all the thoughts and ideas were shaken down and processed into 10 bullet points:

1.  I will not have a victim-mentality any more.  It's so cliche and pathetic.   I get so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself sometimes that I get on my own nerves - so I can only imagine how my close friends and family feel about how I behave. Sure, my adult children make choices I don't agree with that that puts our relationships at odds sometimes, but I still love them.  Sure, I have some chronic health issues, but I take my medication.   Sure, I will always struggle with my weight, so I eat my veggies.  Sure, I did not have the idyllic childhood with 2 steady, dependable parents.  Sure, I have some deep-seated emotional and mental issues related to past hurts that will likely never heal  And sure, I have issues with self-esteem and will likely struggle with this until my last breath.   But I can't let these things define WHO I AM NOW.   Bad things happen....and will continue to happen.  I can't control what has happened to me - but I can control my reaction to it.  I can either chose to feel sorry for myself and wallow in self-pity (an exhausting choice, as I can well testify) or I can chose to rise above it.  How I react to what has happened is something that I have to own myself.....the days of blaming someone else are long-past.  I'm an over-comer!  Best be starting to acting like one.

2.  Fearless!   I want to be fearless!!  I have overcome a few pretty deep-seated fears in the last few years - and OH, how freeing it feels!!!  I still have plenty of fear-demons to stare down and I intend to do it this year.  I don't mean that I will engage in reckless or dangerous activities....that would just be silly.  I'm talking about fears more basic than death-defying feats of strength and what-not.  I want to take a few calculated risks.  I want to overcome the fear of being different.  The idea of how I want to address this issue is still in it's infancy formation - but if I take lots and lots of baby-steps - pretty soon, I will have made some pretty wide strides.   I don't want to miss out on anything life has to offer!  A few risks I've toyed around with in my mind:  A.  dressing differently (I'm totally boring.  Scrubs or predictable dress clothes for work and t-shirts and Capri pants or jeans when I'm off work).  I need something jazzy- something memorable.  I don't mean immodest or revealing - just different from my every-day over-sized shirt routine.  B.  I might color my hair an unusual, wild color. Purple comes to mind.   That doesn't sound like a huge, big deal to most of you - but to me, it scares me senseless!  But it's just hair color, right?  I can always wash it out our change the color to something more suitable. C.  Trying new things (This past year, I conquered riding roller coasters and snorkeling 2 things I've avoided all my life because I was afraid!  What a waste!!)  Who knows what new things I want to tackle - but I do want to stretch a bit.

3.  Embrace Change!   I am one of those people who thrive on stability.  Left to my own devices, I'd life in the same house, keep the same job, and eat the same foods day after day.  But change isn't always bad......it really isn't something that should terrify me.  I should be able to "roll with it" and adapt.  Whether it be to a new job, a new city, a new home, a new set of friends.......or something as simple as a change in my daily routine or even the make-up that I wear.  Not just change for the sake of change - but change to keep me from becoming stale, stagnant, and too comfortable.

4.  Less on-line time, more REAL time.  I am so guilty of being glued to my ipad or computer screen waaaaaay too much of the time.   I need to take an honest inventory of how much time I fritter away scrolling through my news feed or browsing pins on Pinterest.....and I need to ask myself if it is worth it.  Time is a currency that once I spend it.....it is gone for ever.  I need to invest my time in things that will yield dividends - not in frivolous pursuits.  I'm not "giving up face-book" or swearing off Pinterest forever.....that would be madness at this point.  Hahaha!!  I do want to better budget my on-line time so that my real-life time takes priority.

5.  Self-Care .   A vague category that can encompass all of the health-related changes I need to embrace, including: diet, exercise, rest, sleep, prayer, recharging, treating myself gently, the way I "talk to myself" in my own head, and how I care for my body.  This body isn't getting any younger and some of the parts need more maintenance than they used to.  I should make a promise to get my "oil changed" every so many miles and to make sure I have sufficient tread on my tires and energy in my spark-plugs to keep on truckin.   (Thus ends my knowledge of auto mechanics, and thusly ends this very painful metaphor).

6.  Passion.   I need more passion in my life.  NOT that kind of passion, silly!!  (Tee-hee!!)  But passion for my daily activities.  So much of the time, I find myself simply "going through the motions" of work, of writing, of cooking, cleaning, etc.....that I lose the joy of the activity.   I'm so focused on reaching the finish line that I miss the joy of the journey.   I have my mind on 10000000 other things instead of what I am doing.  I need to drill down into my soul and tap into the things that make me happy. The things that click my buttons and turn me on, things that make my heart beat faster, and things I look forward to doing....these are the things I need to pursue with my whole heart....my WHOLE heart, not just half-heartedly.

7.  Socialization.   Whoo-boy.   This is an ouchy-one for me.  I am very introverted most of the time.  I can "fake-it-till-I-make it" in most settings......but deep down, I'm most comfortable at home on the couch with my husband and my puppy dog.   But on the flip-side,  I am also terribly, terribly, horribly  lonely.  I miss having girl-friends to dish with, friends to share my thoughts, hurts, and victories with.  I miss having a "Squad."  (Okay - to be honest - I have never really had "a squad" - but Oh. MY. Lanta, how I want one! Doesn't that just sounds amazing??)   I will need to approach this one with baby steps as well.  Small outings, inviting folks over....putting myself out there. Risking rejection (....aaaaaaaaaand there's the ouchy part for me).  We are starting tomorrow.  We have been invited over to our neighbor's house for drinks.  And we are going to go!!  Even though it will be awkward and I won't know what to say or do.  Even if I say and do it all wrong - at least I'm trying!!  Maybe it will be fun!  In the very least, it's a step in the right direction for me.  And I need that right now. The isolation and loneliness has been magnified by the holiday season and it's been though.  Will I ever become a social butterfly?  Not likely - but at least I won't be a recluse.

8.  Creativity.   I used to be waaaaay more creative.  I used to play the piano; I used to draw.  I used to cross-stitch and I used to paint.  I used to arrange flowers and do crafts. I used to make and decorate cakes.  And now......now I'm a lump.  An unmotivated lump of quivering indecision and inertia.   So, to counteract the inertia - I have already lined up 2 projects that have deadlines early in the year so that I will hold myself to completing at least a few creative endeavours this year.

9.   Balance.   Work-life balance.  Diet-Exercise balance.  Treat- Work balance.  All work and no play makes Amanda a dull girl - but all play and no work makes me a poor girl.  So I need to strike a balance on the scales of justice and even out my life.  I get paid a salary to work 40 hours a week, but most weeks, it ends up being 50-60 hours a week at the expense of my family and rest time.  That's not balanced.  I diet and watch my food intake, but come home from work and collapse on the couch until bedtime.  That's not balanced.  I understand that regular exercise will help my pain and will help my weight-loss efforts, and will help my mental health and general outlook on life - but despite knowing all of these things - I would rather be a slug on the couch.  That's just not balanced.  I need to balance better.   It ties in with self-care and passion....and all of the other items on this list, really.  I feel like if I can get this one area under control, it will help smooth the transition for all of the others.

10.  Adventure.   Adventure - it's what my soul CRAVES.  We have at least 1 big trip on the books already this year - a British Isles Cruise including Paris has already been booked for August! for  12 nights and 10 port cities!! It's the trip of a lifetime!!   Not sure what other adventures this year holds - maybe a few weekend trips will be tucked in as well....but still in the planning stages. Lots of variables in the mix - but we will use the variables to our advantage and see where the winds take us!  Also, we will continue to explore the areas around us.....plenty to see and learn and experience in this wide-wide world!


So these 10 items are what I chose to focus on for the next 12 months.  Wish me luck, wish me well, and wish me love!!!  Happy New Year and Happy 2016 to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Review of 2015 Goals.........so far......

2015 GOALS

1.  Healing   I need to take better care of myself.  This includes fueling myself with healthy foods, getting enough water, limiting the toxic junk that I put in and on my body, exercising my heart and lungs and muscles, getting enough sleep and rest, not wallowing in self-pity or allowing myself to play the victim.  Now that I'm getting older, my body doesn't bounce back as quickly as it once did....and it's the only body I have (with the possible exception of the invention of better, bionic replacement parts). I need to nurture and care of myself a little more. 

I have made great strides in this area this year.  Not optimal success, but measurable success…..so I’m okay with that.  I’m a work in progress.

2.  Travel - My burning desire to see the world has not lessened....if anything, it has intensified!  I want to see it all!  On the trip-planner for this year so far:  Miami, Las Vegas, and Pennsylvania. 

Well, we didn’t make it to Vegas or Pennsylvania, but we did make it to Europe!  Which was much better!  We saw Spain, France, Italy (Roma and Florence), Kotor, Greece, and Amsterdam! We saw Miami a couple of times, actually.  And we explored a few other local cities near us, up and down the coast…and even in Central Florida, including Epcot, Bush Gardens, Magic Kingdom, and Animal Kingdom. We flew home to Nashville for Jaron’s wedding, and we cruised back to Mexico and Grand Caymen.   Not a bad travel year at all!!  We have scheduled next years’ big trip to The British Isles (including Paris!) Pretty excited about that!!  

3.  Mercy - Mercy for those who wrong me, those who irritate me, those who detest me, those who tolerate me.  Mercy for myself.....because I am often the worst offender of all of the above.  Unmerited Favor.  Undeserved Grace....forgiveness when it doesn't make sense.  Oh, how I need to both experience and extend more Mercy. Not in an unhealthy- no boundaries- kind of way, but in a loving and kind way.   Every single person is fighting a battle; every single person needs to be forgiven, understood, and loved.  I want to be a part of that.

Some days were better than others with this goal………….I’m still a work in progress in this area as well.

4.  Horseback Riding - it's been on my list for about 3 years now....a hold-over from my childhood, perhaps.......maybe this is the year?

Still no!!!!   Will have to carry-over again!

5.  Writing - I receive such a joy and an emotional release from the simple act of writing.  I have NO idea why this past year, when I needed joy and release almost more than I needed oxygen to breathe, I avoided writing and I avoided relationships and I avoided almost everything that could bring me the relief I so desperately sought.  I want to write more.....it doesn't even have to be deep and revealing.  I just want to experience the thrill of writing words on paper and seeing thoughts take shape!  Poems, Lists, Menus, letters, memos, notes, journals, blogs, notes of encouragement, cards, texts to tell someone that I love them.  I just want to express what's locked up inside me with words!

Yes, and No with this goal.  I have kept a gratitude journal…and a personal log of events – kind of like a diary…..my poor blog was sadly neglected.  I managed to send a few cards and encourage a few folks – but not as much as I had planned on. 

 

6.  Joy in The Journey - I want to experience joy on a daily basis.  No more waiting for the weekend; no more counting the days until vacation or a trip or an event.  No more surviving work days to get to the off days.  Because the days that I'm just surviving.....just enduring....just getting through....those are the days of my LIFE. These days precious minutes/hours/seconds that will be gone forever.  They are not something to be endured, to "get through" or just bear.....this is the only time I will get to share; to experience; to learn; to love.  I have wasted so much time waiting for better days.....I have missed so many small joyous moments waiting for the drama of big events.  My new goal is to find joy along the way....to look for roses to smell along the path....to slow down in traffic enough to enjoy getting to the place I look forward to going. 

I am getting better at this.  I have taken the time to slow down and realize that I should be finding more joy in every situation.  I’d like to say that I was 100% successful, but that’s not even possible…..but  I’m better than I was before – so that counts as success.

7.  Mindfulness  This goal goes hand-in-hand with finding joy in the journey.  I want to really, truly savor things and be mindful of each blessing.  I have rushed to get through work, rushed to run errands, rushed to eat, rushed to clean, rushed to do just about every task that I have to do and I miss so much in my hustle-and-bustle hurry!  How many, many times have I squandered the simple joys of feeling sunshine on my arms, a cool breeze in my face....I have given up savoring the rich taste of my morning coffee, stopping to breathe deeply to inhale the fresh scent after the rain, and cherishing the exchange of quiet smiles of the ones I love. I need to just S-L-O-W D-O-W-N and really experience things with all of my senses.  To be mindful of even the small, seemingly insignificant things and count them as blessings. How much richer my life will be!!!

Again, I am getting better at this as time passes.   I’m not where I want to be, but I’m farther along than I was and this is still my goal.

8.  Keeping in Touch - with my family across the globe, with far-flung friends who have moved, with family and friends who stayed put when we keep moving......remembering the good times, remembering the love and laughter we have shared.......and remembering to reach out to those special, precious people to let them know I'm thinking of them.  This is something I have neglected, but want to remember to do!  This year, I want to be more about interacting, engaging, and connecting and a LOT less about isolating. 

 

I did call my Mom almost every single day;  I spoke with my sister more.  I have to let the kids drive our correspondence so I’m not too needy with them…..but I have reached out to a couple of far-flung friends.  Not too bad for this goal

9.  Banishing Fear - Fear of being alone; Fear of being wrong; Fear of loss;  Fear of missing out; Fear of failure;  Fear of the dark; Fear of FEAR itself.  Fear of just about everything.  I am tired of being afraid. Adventures, Risks, and (controlled) Danger.....I am seeking you out this year!

I rode roller-coasters. More than one.   I got lost in a foreign city in France – where I didn’t speak French and I didn’t think I could make it back to the ship…but I did.   I snorkeled!! With my face in the water and I saw THINGS!!!  I managed a mine-field of sea-urchins (albeit with a few tears and LOTS of fear).   I ate weird foods: snails, alligator, muscles, sushi, frog legs…..and I liked most of them!   I stayed by myself and was only a wee-little bit afraid.  Slowly, but surely….facing those fears!

10.  Continuing to navigate the mine-field of parenting adult children - Still struggling with how to interact with my kids, now that they aren't kids anymore.   They are adults: living adult lives, doing adult things, and making adult decisions.  That I often don't agree with, believe in, or endorse.  But I still love them with more than my whole heart.  And I want to support them and encourage them and still have a relationship with them.  And it's hard.  And it hurts.  But it's worth it.

It doesn’t seem like I can spin all of these parent-adult-child plates at the same time.  One or the other tends to wobble and threatens to break.   It’s so difficult.   Sometimes I get it right…..but often I am left feeling resentful, sad, and broken-hearted.  There were some glittering moments of perfection, lots of ups and downs, and some outright nose-dive wrecks.  But it was still worth it.

11. Marriage - My marriage is precious. It is my shelter from the world, a refuge where I am safe and loved - no matter if I'm getting older, uglier, fatter, or crazier.  I want to feed and nurture my relationship with my amazing husband.  It just seems to get sweeter and sweeter as time goes by.  Our love grows deeper, more mature, and has endured more trials.  I want to acknowledge him more....show him that I love him unconditionally and without reservation.   I want him to experience the sweetness and romance that he bestows on me.  His thoughtfulness, his playfulness, his gifts and acts of service and words of love.......I need to be better at expressing all of these things back to him.

It just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter.