I'm pretty sure that I qualify as the world's WORST BLOGGER EVER. It's been over a month since my last entry. I had such high hopes. Such lofty plans. Such noble ideas! I was going to make an entry into my blog each day that I was in Japan to record every detail of my fantastic journey so that I could remember every single thing forever!! I wrote the first day.....and then I was so tired and exhausted from all the walking and sight-seeing and jet-lag the rest of the trip that I never even wrote another word. And since I've been home a month......I still haven't taken the time to put it all down on paper. I'm terrified that I'll forget most of it before I ever find the motivation to get it all written. I have the photographs though! Three thousand of them, to be exact!! Hahaha!!! The trip was amazing.....the trip of a lifetime!
Since I've been home....things have been on fast-forward. I came home expecting to have my gastric bypass surgery the week after I returned home....only to be devastated by the fact that my insurance had denied it and my surgery was cancelled. I had to jump through a million hoops in the three weeks following that....and FINALLY got it approved! I'm scheduled to have the surgery on 12-15-11....a week from tomorrow. I've been on my liquid prep diet for a week now and I'm totally miserable with it. I'm ready to have this over and done with. They are supposed to remove the part of my stomach that produces grehlin...the hormone that causes you to have an increased appetite. I am sooooo looking forward to getting rid of THAT!!! I am hungry all the stinking time! Since I can't eat solid food.....I find that I'm obsessing about it all the time. I even DREAMED about cheesy nachos night before last!!! How messed up is that??
I'm beginning to realize that I have such a complicated relationship with food that it's going to take a while to sort this all out. I suppose Food has always been my "comfort"....it never judged me, never laughed at me...never left me, and always satisfied me..at least for a while. I used food to fill up all the empty places in my spirit.....and ended up OVER filling!!! I have been so full of food that I've been depleted and empty of other, more important things. Now that I can't use food to make myself feel better....I find that it's almost like I am grieving for food! I've been really depressed and anxious and very uncharacteristically irritable. I miss my old friend!!! We've had 43 years to bond and I miss eating!! The protein shakes aren't awful...but they only satisfy my nutritional needs...not my emotional ones. I've had a very few "not so proud" moments in the last few weeks.....and I've come to see just how awful my dependence on food is. Not my physical dependence on food for survival....but my dependence on it as an assistive device..a coping mechanish...a crutch. I have sat and actually CRIED this week because I can't eat what I want to eat. I've been angry with thin people because they can eat what they want. I'll even admit that I've done a nauseatingly large amount of feeling sorry for myself. I've thrown myself a huge pity-party and sadly invited everybody I've come in contact with. I told my puppy all about it...and she's a good listener, but Sophie doesn't offer much in the way of advice. I'm really glad that she can't talk....at least my secrets are safe with her! haha! (Although...I'm sitting here telling "you".....which is probably about 2 people, max!) hahahaha!
Needless to say.....my "getting a grip" and dealing with my life-long food issues and baggage is long over-due. I'm trying my best to come clean.....and I am hoping that next Thursday when I have this surgery, my life will drastically change. Well, that's not really the whole truth.....it already has started changing. I'm taking an honest look and seeing where I've replaced important things (such as love, my relationship with God, trust, my self-image, my confidence, etc....) with food. I am seeing it clearly for the first time in a long time...and I will be completely honest...I don't like what I see. I don't like it at all. I'm so ready for this change. I'm ready to start living LIFE and quit hiding behind 300+ pounds of shame. I am proud to report that as of this morning, I've lost a total of 38 pounds already!!! I'm feeling better and had a small taste of success. God is so good, merciful and gracious to me to allow me to have this second chance!!!
I've taken the first few steps on a very long journey!! A journey that I'm glad to be on!! Bon Voyage! :)
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