The Time of My Life?

We just watched a movie tonight that made me think.  The movie was about a group of 40ish friends who had been friends since High School and they were coming together to have a party and to try to recreate their high school days.  They were all caught up in the nostalgia of "how wonderful it used to be" and how miserable they were now as responsible adults.  Don't get me wrong! I was diggin the rad 80's vibe.....their outfits were totally awesome....they had the neon, the Madonna lace gloves, the Member's Only jackets and big hair....all of those fantastic 80's iconic looks.  And the sound track for this movie was a happy trip down memory lane as well.  But I couldn't get over how stuck in the past these folks were.  They kept talking about how their high school years were the best years of their lives and how despite being successful in their careers and being parents and having happy marriages. they all agreed that the last time they ever felt happy and free was when they were still in high school.  All I could think was....HOW SAD!!! 

Exactly the opposite is true for me.  My high school years were somewhat painful and looking back, they were some of the darkest and loneliest times of my life.  I spent most of my time just trying to survive high school.  I wasn't popular; I wasn't cool.  I wasn't athletic.  I tended to say the wrong things, wear the wrong things, and do the wrong things to fit in.  I had a few close friends who were my saving grace. At some point, I decided that if I couldn't be popular and fit in.....maybe I could just blend in and become invisible.  This strategy worked fairly well most of the time.  I was considered smart - not super-smart like some of my friends - but smart enough to get mostly A's. Smart enough that folks would pretend to be my friend so that they could copy my homework. I suppose I was more of a nerd...I actually liked learning and enjoyed all of my (non-math) classes.   I didn't HATE school...not by any means....but it certainly wasn't "the time of my life" either.  There were a few outstanding moments in high school that I can look back on fondly....but I wouldn't want to go back and relive my high school days for anything. 

Somewhere after high school and probably even after nursing school, I finally found my place in life.  I found my voice.....found my passions and found contentment and happiness. Somewhere along the way, I figure out what was really important to me, WHO was really important to me and why some things just didn't matter.  I learned to be comfortable with my imperfections and embrace my own "weirdness" and odd sense of humor. I'm still a work-in-progress.....and of course, I still have significant self-doubts at times.  But I'm not painfully ashamed of who I am anymore.  Back in high school...and probably even before high school, I had bought into the notion that I was some kind of second class citizen.....that I wasn't "worth much"....that I was insignificant and that no matter how much I worked or how well I did at anything.... I was never quite enough.  

I still have those days......but time has a way of teaching us the difference between what is superficial and what goes bone-deep.  I learned that being a stunningly beautiful woman was not within my reach....but that being as kind, thoughtful and nice were all things I could strive for.  (Note, that I said strive for.....it's still an uphill battle sometimes). The words my Grandma repeated to me over and over as a child started to make sense, "Pretty is as Pretty Does."  When I was younger, I didn't have a clue what she was talking about.   As an adult now, I know EXACTLY what she was talking about.  We all know folks who are drop-dead gorgeous until they open their mouth and speak all kinds of ugliness. Kind of mars the pretty picture they present, doesn't it?

I still have those moments of wanting desperately to be cool.....to fit in.  It happens at work...it happens at church....it happened when my kids were growing up at the PTO meetings.....and it always catches me off-guard.  It almost always starts with a seed of jealously....envying how another woman can look so thin and fashionable when I feel dumpy and unattractive.  I say it catches me off guard because I usually don't realize that it's happening until I'm feeling all irritable and pathetic and self-loathing. 

Once I'm able to realize the cycle...I've learned that I can put a stop to it.  That's something I've learned just in the last few years.  I stop myself, call myself out on the pity-party and start mentally going over the list of blessings in my life.  I always start out grudgingly....usually with a heavy sigh and it goes something like this..."Thank you, God for my kids....even though they fought in the car today on the way here.  Thank you for my husband.....even though he was hateful about running out of milk this morning.  Thank you for our home. Thank you for our cars.  Thank you for........and I keep on listing them.  I keep on until I get to a place of genuine gratitude.  Sometimes, it only takes a few minutes...and sometimes I keep right on "thanking" for over an hour.  However long it takes to break through my stubborn self-pity and realize once again that I am blessed beyond measure.  More often than not, these "thankful for my blessings" sessions end with tears streaming down my face and my hands lifted  in worship and in awe of the unbelievable mercy and grace of God.  By the time I've listed a few hundred things that God has done for me and given to me and forgiven me for.....it becomes a very humbling experience.  It also gets my mind focused where it should be....OFF MYSELF.

Do I always get it right?  Sadly, no.  I'm embarrassed to say that I sulk around for days...and  even weeks sometimes before I  even come to the realization that I've slipped right back into my defeated thinking patterns again.  But I'm getting better at recognizing it!  I'm slowly learning that it's so much more pleasant to be grateful for what I have than to envy what I don't have and hate myself for all that I am not. 

I have to say that NOW....this time in my life....these are the best days of my life so far.  I don't look back and want to relive the past.....I am not even really interested in looking forward to what may happen some time down the road.  NOW is the best time. Because yesterday can't be changed and we're not even promised a tomorrow.....but we have the here and now.  My challenge....my goal for the coming year is to live in the NOW.  To be more aware of the blessings of each moment.  To savor the smell of my coffee in the mornings; to notice how the light changes when the sun rises over a misty field; to feel how soft my puppy's fur is when she snuggles in my lap; I want to feel the warmth of my husband's hand as he reaches for mine as we ride in the car.  I want to hear every syllable when he tells me he loves me.  I want to enjoy each moment and be mindful of all the little things that are indeed blessings in my life.  I think that is the secret to contentment and happiness.  Like the bumper-sticker says, "Happiness is not having everything you want; it's wanting everything you have."  There is some truth to that.    This really IS the best time of my life!  :)