On The Road to DeMaskUs: 2011

Friday, December 30, 2011

Still thinking about things I'd like to do......more for my list of things I want to do this coming year!

Get a frilly 50's style retro apron to wear while I do housework and cook!
Plant a fig tree in the back yard....I want a cutting from my Grandpa's tree!
I want a lemon tree! And maybe a lime tree too! I will bring it inside in the winter and keep it outside in the summer!
I want to be serious about my little garden this summer and not be lazy and forget to water it like I usually do. I want a big beautiful harvest!! And I want to use my produce to cook healthy meals!
I want to organize my closets and drawers! And have them STAY organized for more than a week!
I want to FINALLY make a fairy garden for my back porch! I've talked about it for years...I want to actually DO it!
I want to decorate my work office....something with a cohesive theme! It's plain, depressing, ugly and non-inspiring right now.
I want to make at least 2 new friends this year. At least 2. I'm so tired of being lonely!!
Maybe in the spring when it's not too hot, I'd like to go to a Drive-In movie! I haven't been to one since I was about 5 years old!
I want to learn to use an ipod or MP3 player...whatever it is you call them (just realized that I sound like I'm 80 years old now!) and I'd like to upload all of my favorite music to listen to while I work out at the gym.

Friday, December 23, 2011

New Year/New Me! Plans for 2012 !!!

I know that it's a week until New Years.....but I'm thinking ahead this year! This year, I'm not going to make any "resolutions" at all. I'm going to make EXCITING PLANS instead!!!

There are so many, many things I want to do this year! Losing weight will make some of these things possible for me for the first time in years!!! Here's my list...in no certain order:

In 2012 I want to:

Wear a pair of Go-Go boots! I've wanted a pair my whole life, but they've never fit!
Ride Steve's motorcycle with him! I've always been too heavy.
Go Horseback riding (Don't worry....I'll wait until it's fair to the horse!) haha! :)
Go Hiking!!
Wear high-heels!
Go on a romantic Picnic
Dress up in Fancy Clothes and go to a Fancy Party
Wear a Swimsuit (It's been a while).
Keep my toenails painted nicely (now that I'll be able to SEE them!) :)
Get a massage on a monthly basis for pain control (Thank you, Massage Envy!)
Create and organize my craft room (which is an empty room with boxes right now)
Take more painting classes
Get involved in a small group at our new church
Consistently do my Bible Study
Learn how to apply my make-up. I'm in a bit of a rut.
Visit Nappa Valley
Make my Japan Scrapbook (I've got hundreds of things to put in it...I'm just intimidated!!)
Cruise to Mexico for 25th Anniversary (scheduled for Feb. 2012!!!)
Schedule at least 3 romantic weekend "get-aways" (Day Trips)
Study local history and visit local historic places
Take more thoughtful photographs (go back to my plan of photographing churches and such)
Send at least 1 encouraging note a month to my friends who are struggling
Open my home to my friends more often for entertaining. I'm tired of being lonely!!!
Do something extra special for Steve on a consistent basis (monthly??) to let him know how much I appreciate and love him

This is by no means an exhaustive list.....but it's a start!! For once, I'm excited about making plans for a new year!! I'm going to have a GREAT year and discover my NEW life!!!

Well, I survived Gastric Sleeve Surgery. Barely.

Well, It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted....and yet it seems like almost a lifetime ago!! I had my gastric sleeve surgery on 12-15-11- a week ago yesterday.....and have pretty much been in a painful-nauseated fog since then...but THANKFULLY, the fog is beginning to lift and I believe that I am ready to get back to a routine and live a different life now!

This whole experience has been...wow. I don't even have words to express the jumble of emotions I've been through...often within a very few minutes of each other: apprehension, anxiety, pain, fear, regret, nausea, elation, sense of accomplishment, depression, self-pity, self-pride, appreciation, exhaustion, soreness, despair.....it's been quite the roller coaster ride. I woke up from surgery in quite a bit more pain than I had anticipated. I knew I'd be sore...but I didn't realize how much I would HURT! Worse than the pain was the almost overwhelming nausea that was my constant companion for about 4 days. I couldn't turn my head or even move my eyes without a wave of nausea. Accompanying the nausea was a gnawing headache that lasted for about 4 days as well. Throwing up was the most painful experience...and because of having 2 large babies...every time I threw up, I urinated all over myself (adding insult to injury). I would throw up, scream in pain, wet my pants and cry.....repeat this cycle about every 30-40 minutes for about 4 very miserable days.I was very, very, very, very glad to have that phase of recovery over and done! I literally REJOICED the morning I slept through the night the first time and then didn't throw up all day! I had planned on "bouncing back" in a few days and returning to work in a few days...and being myself. WOW. I so didn't see reality coming!! I was pretty much knocked flat on my hiney for a week. It's been a week yesterday...and today is the first day I've actually felt good and felt like doing a few little things around the house. I even went to the Grocery Store and the Wine Store with Steve and was EVER so happy to get out of the house!!! Of course, once we got home today, it took more than 3 hours of napping and resting on the couch to recover from my "trip" but it was totally worth it! :)

I have watched a lot of day-time TV this week. The first 4 days, I couldn't stand for the TV to even be on...it made my head hurt and trying to look at the screen made my nausea worse...and it doesn't help that every 10 minutes there were about 2-3 commercials for FOOD. I wasn't hungry....but because of the nausea I sure didn't want to think about FOOD in any shape or form. When Steve would watch TV, I'd just have to close my eyes and not look. After about 4 days, I was fine to watch TV and even watch Food Network without it bothering me.   The blessing of this surgery is that I don't feel HUNGRY all the time any more!!! I can watch a show about food and not have to be cramming it in my mouth the entire time! (What a novel concept, right??) haha! So I spent my days watching "The Today Show", "Martha Stewart", "House Hunters" and any assortment of Christmas shows on DIY, Food Network and HGTV. I watched a fair share of Hallmark Channel Christmas movies....a guilty pleasure. haha! I know that they are romanticized and sappy and they are SOOO predictable...but they are all kind of sweet too.....and I just liked how in 2 hours, everything sorts itself out and everybody has a very Merry Christmas! If only real life were so accommodating, RIGHT??   I also spent many hours coloring in my secret stash of coloring books (another guilty pleasure...it feels decadent because it serves NO purpose on earth but to entertain myself). I am SO glad I sprung for the 64 box Crayolas!!! :)   I tried to read some....I was about 1/3rd of the way through "Emma" again before surgery(HUGE Jane Austin fan) but I found that the hydrocodone elixir jumbled my thoughts until I realized I'd re-read the same paragraphs 5 times and still had not a single clue what I was reading about.   I would occasionally leave the sanctuary of my couch/pillow/quits to check my Facebook and email...but sitting upright in the office chair wasn't nearly as comfortable....so my Internet time was limited. There is a strange sense of time compression. I guess I sort of "lost" a few days? I can't even explain it...but I feel like I somehow missed gaps of time. I slept. I slept a LOT....which evidently I needed to help me heal. I think I just needed it period.....I do feel more rested than I have in quite a while.

Today marks the day when I can advance my diet to include Pureed foods. I celebrated this milestone by pouring a can of Campbell's Bean and Bacon soup into a large glass pitcher with a can and a half of water to thin it out and then using the immersion blender to make it into a grayish-brown watery paste. It looked completely gross and stuck to the side of the glass pitcher (like buttermilk??) and smelled suspiciously like dog-food. But I heated it up in the microwave and lo and behold...it tasted REALLY good!!! I've had 2 servings (about 1/4 a cup each) today and enjoyed both servings very much!   I have to eat only pureed and liquid foods until I reach 3 weeks post op...at which time I can begin to introduce soft foods. I have calculated this date as 1-5-12, I've marked it on the calendar and MAN, am I looking forward to that day!

I'm actually excited about the pureed foods! I've been on the prep diet for so long prior to surgery and the liquids only 2 weeks before and 1 week after surgery....that I'm getting to have a few foods I haven't had in a while.....just in pureed form. The bean and bacon soup, for example. It's fairly high in protein and low in calories....but it tasted so decadent! I also bought some yogurt today in some really cool flavors that I'm excited about: Carrot Cake, Vanilla Chai, Spiced Pear, and Pomegranate. I also got a few packets of instant mashed potatoes that I can mix with protein powder and thin to a consistency that I can swallow. The problems with the pureed foods is that once I swallow them, if they aren't thinned enough, they cause some tightness and sharp pain once they reach my stomach. I have to take tiny little bites and space them out....which works okay....I just have to be VERY careful about swallowing air. Air bubbles hurt like the DICKENS!!!!! I found that using my Demitasse (however you spell it!) spoons (the tiny ones you use with espresso??) helps me take smaller bites and it takes longer to eat, so I feel more satisfied and I don't get bites that are so large they hurt going down. I guess it's just going to be a process of trial and error to see what I can and can't tolerate. At any rate..I'm just glad to be able to taste and enjoy SOMETHING again!
At a week post op, I'm glad I had the surgery and I'm ready to move forward. IF you'd have asked me any day this past week, I'd have tearfully told you that I wish I'd never done it. Pain has a way of skewing your thinking that way. Today....I think I'm ready to move on and I am planning a LOT of adventures for 2012...which will lead right into my next blog entry! :)

Friday, December 9, 2011

The Time of My Life?

We just watched a movie tonight that made me think. The movie was about a group of 40ish friends who had been friends since High School and they were coming together to have a party and to try to recreate their high school days. They were all caught up in the nostalgia of "how wonderful it used to be" and how miserable they were now as responsible adults. Don't get me wrong! I was diggin the rad 80's vibe.....their outfits were totally awesome....they had the neon, the Madonna lace gloves, the Member's Only jackets and big hair....all of those fantastic 80's iconic looks. And the sound track for this movie was a happy trip down memory lane as well. But I couldn't get over how stuck in the past these folks were. They kept talking about how their high school years were the best years of their lives and how despite being successful in their careers and being parents and having happy marriages. they all agreed that the last time they ever felt happy and free was when they were still in high school. All I could think was....HOW SAD!!!

Exactly the opposite is true for me. My high school years were somewhat painful and looking back, they were some of the darkest and loneliest times of my life. I spent most of my time just trying to survive high school.  I wasn't popular; I wasn't cool. I wasn't athletic. I tended to say the wrong things, wear the wrong things, and do the wrong things to fit in. I had a few close friends who were my saving grace. At some point, I decided that if I couldn't be popular and fit in.....maybe I could just blend in and become invisible. This strategy worked fairly well most of the time. I was considered smart - not super-smart like some of my friends - but smart enough to get mostly A's. Smart enough that folks would pretend to be my friend so that they could copy my homework. I suppose I was more of a nerd...I actually liked learning and enjoyed all of my (non-math) classes. I didn't HATE school...not by any means....but it certainly wasn't "the time of my life" either. There were a few outstanding moments in high school that I can look back on fondly....but I wouldn't want to go back and relive my high school days for anything.

Somewhere after high school and probably even after nursing school, I finally found my place in life. I found my voice.....found my passions and found contentment and happiness. Somewhere along the way, I figure out what was really important to me, WHO was really important to me and why some things just didn't matter. I learned to be comfortable with my imperfections and embrace my own "weirdness" and odd sense of humor. I'm still a work-in-progress.....and of course, I still have significant self-doubts at times. But I'm not painfully ashamed of who I am anymore. Back in high school...and probably even before high school, I had bought into the notion that I was some kind of second class citizen.....that I wasn't "worth much"....that I was insignificant and that no matter how much I worked or how well I did at anything.... I was never quite enough.

I still have those days......but time has a way of teaching us the difference between what is superficial and what goes bone-deep. I learned that being a stunningly beautiful woman was not within my reach....but that being as kind, thoughtful and nice were all things I could strive for. (Note, that I said strive for.....it's still an uphill battle sometimes). The words my Grandma repeated to me over and over as a child started to make sense, "Pretty is as Pretty Does." When I was younger, I didn't have a clue what she was talking about.   As an adult now, I know EXACTLY what she was talking about. We all know folks who are drop-dead gorgeous until they open their mouth and speak all kinds of ugliness. Kind of mars the pretty picture they present, doesn't it?

I still have those moments of wanting desperately to be cool.....to fit in. It happens at work...it happens at church....it happened when my kids were growing up at the PTO meetings.....and it always catches me off-guard. It almost always starts with a seed of jealously....envying how another woman can look so thin and fashionable when I feel dumpy and unattractive. I say it catches me off guard because I usually don't realize that it's happening until I'm feeling all irritable and pathetic and self-loathing.

Once I'm able to realize the cycle...I've learned that I can put a stop to it. That's something I've learned just in the last few years. I stop myself, call myself out on the pity-party and start mentally going over the list of blessings in my life. I always start out grudgingly....usually with a heavy sigh and it goes something like this..."Thank you, God for my kids....even though they fought in the car today on the way here. Thank you for my husband.....even though he was hateful about running out of milk this morning. Thank you for our home. Thank you for our cars. Thank you for........and I keep on listing them. I keep on until I get to a place of genuine gratitude. Sometimes, it only takes a few minutes...and sometimes I keep right on "thanking" for over an hour. However long it takes to break through my stubborn self-pity and realize once again that I am blessed beyond measure. More often than not, these "thankful for my blessings" sessions end with tears streaming down my face and my hands lifted in worship and in awe of the unbelievable mercy and grace of God. By the time I've listed a few hundred things that God has done for me and given to me and forgiven me for.....it becomes a very humbling experience. It also gets my mind focused where it should be....OFF MYSELF.

Do I always get it right? Sadly, no. I'm embarrassed to say that I sulk around for days...and even weeks sometimes before I even come to the realization that I've slipped right back into my defeated thinking patterns again. But I'm getting better at recognizing it! I'm slowly learning that it's so much more pleasant to be grateful for what I have than to envy what I don't have and hate myself for all that I am not.

I have to say that NOW....this time in my life....these are the best days of my life so far. I don't look back and want to relive the past.....I am not even really interested in looking forward to what may happen some time down the road. NOW is the best time. Because yesterday can't be changed and we're not even promised a tomorrow.....but we have the here and now. My challenge....my goal for the coming year is to live in the NOW. To be more aware of the blessings of each moment. To savor the smell of my coffee in the mornings; to notice how the light changes when the sun rises over a misty field; to feel how soft my puppy's fur is when she snuggles in my lap; I want to feel the warmth of my husband's hand as he reaches for mine as we ride in the car. I want to hear every syllable when he tells me he loves me. I want to enjoy each moment and be mindful of all the little things that are indeed blessings in my life. I think that is the secret to contentment and happiness. Like the bumper-sticker says, "Happiness is not having everything you want; it's wanting everything you have." There is some truth to that.    This really IS the best time of my life! :)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Peace on Earth ??

Christmas time is here…happiness and cheer. Or maybe not. Sometimes it’s just another season. Just another month. Just another day. Nothing special. I think sometimes our expectations of what we think the Holidays SHOULD be like set us up for disappointment. Maybe we watched too many Hallmark Christmas movies, too many cheesy sitcoms where all the problems are all solved in 30 minutes and everyone learns a happy lesson and they all sing “Peace on Earth” at the end. Real life tends to be a bit messier. A bit more real. A lot more disappointing.

In the movies, the relatives always make it home just in time to celebrate the big day; in real life…the relatives are in a nursing home, deployed in a war zone, or even in jail. There’s no heart-warming home-coming….just cold loneliness. In the movies, there’s always heaps of presents under the tree and the kids always get EXACTLY what they wished for! In real life, sometimes the money runs out because the bills take priority over any luxuries and the parents work their hardest, but just can’t swing the cost of newest and the best. Spouses leave. Companies lay-off. Mortgages are due. Cancer afflicts. Drugs and alcohol steals personalities. Teens get pregnant. Cars get wrecked. Beloved pets die. These things keep happening with no respect to the date on the calendar.

Sometimes…..sometimes even those of us with new presents, a house full of relatives, shiny new cars, more than enough to eat, and seemingly “normal” middle class lives feel the sting of December’s disappointment. We can go through the motions…putting up the tree, or putting up several trees, decking the halls, singing the carols, baking the cookies, wrapping the presents, hanging the wreath, mailing the Christmas cards…and we’re still left with no Peach on Earth in the middle of our Silent Nights. Outwardly, we’re doing all the right things: going to all the right parties, churches, seeing all the right plays, watching all the right Christmas specials and baking all the special foods…but inwardly, we’re as cold and sad as the ripped and crumpled wrapping paper in the trash the day after Christmas.

What are we missing? What elusive experience are we chasing? What can we do to make it so perfect in our homes that Normal Rockwell would clamor for a chance to paint our portraits around our Christmas dinner table?

Why is it that even surrounded by blessings, by loving families, by comfort and plenty, and good health…..why is it that even then, we’re not really, truly happy or peaceful feeling down deep inside ourselves? What would it take to defrost the ice on our hearts? What would have to happen to shake our very souls and give us an actual feeling of peaceful rest? The perfect gift? The perfect slice of cheesecake? Reconciled family members? Well behaved children? Winning the lottery? Becoming the next American Idol? Writing a best selling book? Making the Olympic Gymnastic team? What on earth would it take to guarantee happiness? Is there any THING that can make and fulfill that impossible promise? If it’s not a thing….what about a person?? Who would it take to thrill your heart?? Your soul-mate? Your best friend? Your estranged father? Your child? Your puppy? A movie star? A long-lost lover?

Or is it something that has to come from within? A stronger will? More faith? More motivation? Stronger resolve? Creativity? Intelligence?

Or would any of these make any difference at all? Are we as humans programmed with a longing for something more than this world can offer? I tend to think so. I believe that we will never been 100% completely satisfied and peaceful while on this earth. I believe that we were created with eternity set in our hearts and we will spend this lifetime striving to find the peace and rest that we will reach only when this lifetime is over. Perhaps this life is for trouble and strife, working and longing….and eternity is for peace, worship and rest.

Christmas, when focused on eternity….reminds us that we were created for so much more than this imperfect life. We’re reminded that God would take on flesh and blood and become human as one of us to draw us to Him. It’s mind-boggling to me that the baby born in a stable so long ago is the God of all creation and that He was born to die….born to die in MY place….born to die so that I could live. When I focus on this true meaning of Christmas, I find my heart is a bit more peaceful…my mood less pensive and more thankful….I find that I am no longer saddened by my less than perfect circumstances because I’m in awe of the sacrifice of an immortal deity becoming so human…solely for my sake. Have I ever known such perfect love or felt such perfect peace as this? Nothing can compare. The weight of the glory of that moment blankets my heart in warmth and stills my wandering mind.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Recycled list of 100 things about ME. Completely self-indulgent. :)

I hate Uncle Sam, Sock Monkeys, Steam-Rollers (or “Scare-Buggies” as I like to call them), oingy-boingy toys and Jack-in-The Boxes. I have had bad dreams about all of these things at one time or another and they totally freak me out.
Sunrise and Sunset are my favorite times of the day.
I am actually shocked that I am 43 years old. WHEN did that happen?? I don’t FEEL middle-aged; sometimes my reflection in the mirror catches me off guard and I think, “Who IS that old woman?”
I actually enjoy watching Bill Myer’s show on HBO. I know he’s an atheist and a dem/lib…..and I disagree with SO much that he has to say…but some of it is smart and some of it just cracks me up and I find the show intellectually stimulating. I especially like the segment “New Rules.”
I’ve always wanted a car painted glittery-hot-pink or purple. (You know, like the paint they use on speedboats?? Metal-fleck stuff?) OH yeah.
I cry. A LOT. Happy-Cry, Sad-Cry, Mad-Cry, Surprised-Cry, Whiney-Cry, Sorrow-Cry, Worry-Cry….I wish I had more control over my tears.
I have a burning desire to write/publish a book. Several books.
I hate being alone.
The best thing about summer for me is fresh produce! I love, love, LOVE cucumbers, tomatoes, corn-on-the-cob, okra, etc. etc. etc fresh from the garden!! I miss canning vegetables with my Granny.
I found a dead body in our back yard when I was a small girl. Scared the wits outta me. I was terrified to go outside for months.
I am finally comfortable with WHO I AM, but still not how I look. I wish I was ½ my current size. L Not being able to lose weight is my biggest disappointment in life.
I hate organized sports. Don’t like to watch sports, don’t like to play sports, and mostly I don’t understand why otherwise normal folks get so ga-ga over sports teams.
I love the ocean, but am afraid to get in it. The thought of jellyfish, sharks, piranha, barracudas, crabs, sea monsters and Sponge Bob being “out-there-somewhere-in-the-deep” scares me right back out onto the sand.
I want to travel the WORLD! I want to see it all! Mountains, valleys, oceans, villas, castles, rivers, jungles, tundra, dessert, rainforests……I want to see it ALL!!!
I used to make up a wild “testimony” in Youth Group because I thought my own life was too boring. Looking back, I wonder WHAT on EARTH those teachers thought when I “confessed” all my wrong-doing! Hahhaha!!!
Beth Moore is one of my all-time favorite writers/speakers.
Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love Christmas carols so much that I’d listen to them all year round if my husband and kids wouldn’t have me committed for it ! haha!!
I can’t sew. I’ve always wanted to…I’ve tried to…..but it always ends in disaster with a seam-ripper and a lot of tears.
I used to smoke cigars from time to time in my early adulthood. But, much like Bill Clinton….I never inhaled. (But THAT folks, is where the comparison to Bill Clinton and cigars stops. Just sayin.)
I’ve never tried any illicit or illegal drug of any kind. I was a goody-two-shoes! J
I used to be so jealous of my friends who had an “intact” family. I really, really, really hated “Father-Daughter” events because I didn’t have a dad at home.
To this day when I’m scared at night….I cover up my head with the covers…..like THAT’S going to save me. Haha!
I love prunes. There. I said it. They are like natures’ candy! (albeit with some untoward side-effects if you eat too many).
Banana popsicles are my favorite flavor.
I’m an avid reader…often reading 4-5 books per month.
I’ve always wanted to be the person who gets to name paint colors, make-up colors, carpet colors, etc….. how FUN would that BE??
I hate wearing shoes.
I am enjoying my “empty-nest” phase of life….but I often get lonely and I miss my kids terribly sometimes.
I want to learn to paint!
I’ve always wanted to sing well enough to sing with Steve just ONE time….but alas….I can’t carry a tune in a bucket! I have a tendency to change keys a lot (where I’m not supposed to) and it sounds awful. But when I’m alone…I sing! I sing LOUD and sometimes I even dance too! J
I have a pair of blue-velveteen short-shorts with “BootyLicious” spray-painted across the butt in red and gold glittery paint. Upon occasion, when I wanted to mortify my children….I would pull them out and threaten to wear them in public. I still have them hidden in my drawer!
I adore eating out in restaurants!!!
I get absolute JOY from encouraging other people. I love it when I can brighten someone’s day or make someone smile!
My husband is my very best friend. I tell him everything, trust him completely, admire and respect him greatly, and love him so much that I can’t even express it in mere words.
I love to write corny poetry. I have 3 entire journal books full of corny poetry that I’ve written over the years.
I’ve been skinny-dipping once. Once was enough.
The one time I ever toilet-papered a yard, we got caught. By the police.
I’ve always wanted to go to one of those dinner shows at Medieval Times….but we’ve just never done it!
I love acting and I miss getting to participate in dramatic arts.
Although I occasionally have an alcoholic beverage, I have never been drunk. Ever.
I like to watch reruns of shows like “Family Ties”, “Golden Girls”, “The Cosby Show”, “Alf” , “Mork and Mindy”, “Happy Days” , “Laverne and Shirley”, “I Love Lucy”, “Andy Griffith”, etc…etc…etc.
I am a sucker for cartoons.
I love to bake…especially cookies and cakes!
I do not like rollercoasters.
I refuse to watch scary movies….no horror flicks, no movies where people get hurt. There’s enough pain in this broken world without me having to watch fictional accounts.
I miss my Mamaw terribly. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think of her.
I love long car trips with my husband! We always have the best time!
I love to get pedicures and I love to get massages. Maybe I just like paying people to touch me?? Haha! Okay. That sounded MUCH weirder than I intended.
I am a very loyal person and I value friendship very highly.
I love to collect things. I am NOT a pack-rat or a hoarder (as I have been unfairly accused!) haha! I have boxes of teapots, porcelain dolls, teddy bears, lighthouses, Precious Moments, Cherished Teddies, etc. etc. etc.
I am very sentimental.
In the winter I enjoy a steaming cup of hot tea before bedtime….either peppermint tea, almond sunset tea or Earl Grey.
I love to take pictures!! (Not be IN them….but take them).
I do a crossword puzzle almost every evening. I hate everything about numbers…but I made myself learn how to do Soduku puzzles because I felt I needed a challenge.
I used to work at Hills Department Store in the toy department.
I CAN NOT STAND bullies, racists, or meanies. All God’s children (rich, poor, black, yellow, white, smart, disabled, athletic, ugly, pretty)…we ALL need to play nice and get along. Don’t be mean to ANYBODY. EVER. It just ain’t right.
I don’t really like Starbucks coffee. It kindda tastes like acidic mud to me. The frozen ones are okay….but not all that.
I love being creative…whether it’s drawing, painting, decorating a cake, making crafts, etc….. I may not be good at it all….but I do enjoy the effort!
I love seeing precious little girls all dressed up in frilly dresses and bows. So sweet! And I love seeing little fellas dressed in shorts and cowboy boots! Nothing cuter!
I’ve only ever gotten 1 speeding ticket in my life (and it was about 2 months ago). I cried all the way home.
I coveted my cousin’s Ms. Beasley Doll. I always, always wanted one.
I am not fond of Chocolate.
I am allergic to Sulfa and Cipro. They cause me to break out in hives and look like a plucked chicken!
I once tried to wax my underarm hair when I was 14. Notice I say ONCE. Burned my pits with hot wax and then the wax wouldn’t come off and stuck to my clothes for a week….and it hurt to put my arms down by my sides! What a mess that was!!!
I once accidentally full-on “mooned” a mailman. It was completely accidental and I was utterly mortified.
I love Cream Soda, Root Beer, Grape Soda, Gingerale, Orange Crush, and Fresca!
I have ridden a mechanical bull.
When I was a little girl, I had a huge MatchBox and Hot Wheels collection! I used to build “roads” all in the gravel driveway and build towns and have a blast with those little cars!
I had a Donny and Marie lunch box, Donny and Marie Barbie Dolls, and every issue of ‘Tiger Beat’ and ‘Dynomite’ that had a picture of Donny Osmond in it! J
I loved elementary school cafeteria food.
I was 21 years old the first time I saw the ocean…Cocoa Beach in Florida.
I love the writing of Lucy Maude Montgomery and want to visit Prince Edward Island sooo badly!!!
I love the sound of Kettle Drums…..it’s like an instant vacation whenever I hear them!
I struggle daily with anxiety and depression…and then feel guilty about feeling depressed and anxious when I am so blessed, and that makes me……ANXIOUS AND DEPRESSED! It’s a vicious cycle!
My very first car was a 1976 Camero.
I went to a casino once and put a quarter in the slot machine and pulled the arm down….just so I could mark it off my “bucket-list.” Didn’t win.
I once made a chicken-dish so awful that my kids and husband refused to eat it after the first bite. It tasted AWFUL. We threw it away and I cooked something else. You win some, you lose some!
Watermelon is my favorite food.
Sometimes, when I’m in a stuffy, formal or professional setting, I have to stifle the urge to jump up and yell (really loud) HOOGITY-BOOGITY!!!!! Or something equally disruptive and inappropriate. I guess I just want to see the startled looks on people’s faces, I don’t know. The thought just has some unapologetic appeal to me.
I’m a list-maker. Keeps me on-track.
I enjoy snooping around antique stores….I wonder about the story that each old item has to tell.
I love trying different foods from around the world!
I have always wanted a cotton candy maker! I loves me some cotton candy!
I do not like video-games.
Since I moved back to TN from Texas…..I don’t really miss Whattaburger at all. But I do miss Taco Bueno! (And I seriously miss my Texas friends most of all.)
I never cared for Elvis’ music. Not a big fan.
Some people think I’m a (gasp) NERD. I embrace that. J As Popeye would say, “I yam what I yam.”
I could spend an entire day in Hobby Lobby….just looking at and dreaming of all the possibilities!
Sometimes, I honestly fear that I’m a hypochondriac. It worries me.
I love driving around the countryside…seeing the old barns, the cows in the fields, gardens, hay bales, little creeks, horses….it makes me feel happy and relaxed.
I still tear-up a bit when I hear ‘I’m Proud To Be An American” on July 4th and also when I hear, “Butterfly Kisses” and “Watercolor Ponies” and “Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone.”
I like to pretend that I know how to speak Spanish. I only really know enough to be dangerous! J
My think that my greatest achievement in life has been raising my 2 beautiful, strong, healthy, independently minded children to adulthood.
I am blessed beyond all measure with a loving husband, children who love me, an entourage of amazing friends, extended family, and way more than I need of everything.
When I am sick or I don’t feel well, nothing in this world feels better than my Momma holding my head. She has magical healing in her hands! J
I once danced in a stage production of “Fame” when I was in the 8th grade and I just LOVED it!
I can still do the splits!!
I love the way crayons smell. Actually, I should just go ahead and admit that I have a “school supply” fetish and be done with it! Haha!
I love the smell of freshly washed laundry!
I realized when making this list that I am fairly BORING and most of these items are inane

I'm the Worst Blogger EVER.

I'm pretty sure that I qualify as the world's WORST BLOGGER EVER. It's been over a month since my last entry. I had such high hopes. Such lofty plans. Such noble ideas! I was going to make an entry into my blog each day that I was in Japan to record every detail of my fantastic journey so that I could remember every single thing forever!! I wrote the first day.....and then I was so tired and exhausted from all the walking and sight-seeing and jet-lag the rest of the trip that I never even wrote another word. And since I've been home a month......I still haven't taken the time to put it all down on paper. I'm terrified that I'll forget most of it before I ever find the motivation to get it all written. I have the photographs though! Three thousand of them, to be exact!! Hahaha!!! The trip was amazing.....the trip of a lifetime!
Since I've been home....things have been on fast-forward. I came home expecting to have my gastric bypass surgery the week after I returned home....only to be devastated by the fact that my insurance had denied it and my surgery was cancelled. I had to jump through a million hoops in the three weeks following that....and FINALLY got it approved! I'm scheduled to have the surgery on 12-15-11....a week from tomorrow. I've been on my liquid prep diet for a week now and I'm totally miserable with it. I'm ready to have this over and done with. They are supposed to remove the part of my stomach that produces grehlin...the hormone that causes you to have an increased appetite. I am sooooo looking forward to getting rid of THAT!!! I am hungry all the stinking time! Since I can't eat solid food.....I find that I'm obsessing about it all the time. I even DREAMED about cheesy nachos night before last!!! How messed up is that??
I'm beginning to realize that I have such a complicated relationship with food that it's going to take a while to sort this all out. I suppose Food has always been my "comfort"....it never judged me, never laughed at me...never left me, and always satisfied me..at least for a while. I used food to fill up all the empty places in my spirit.....and ended up OVER filling!!! I have been so full of food that I've been depleted and empty of other, more important things. Now that I can't use food to make myself feel better....I find that it's almost like I am grieving for food! I've been really depressed and anxious and very uncharacteristically irritable. I miss my old friend!!! We've had 43 years to bond and I miss eating!! The protein shakes aren't awful...but they only satisfy my nutritional needs...not my emotional ones. I've had a very few "not so proud" moments in the last few weeks.....and I've come to see just how awful my dependence on food is. Not my physical dependence on food for survival....but my dependence on it as an assistive device..a coping mechanish...a crutch. I have sat and actually CRIED this week because I can't eat what I want to eat. I've been angry with thin people because they can eat what they want. I'll even admit that I've done a nauseatingly large amount of feeling sorry for myself. I've thrown myself a huge pity-party and sadly invited everybody I've come in contact with. I told my puppy all about it...and she's a good listener, but Sophie doesn't offer much in the way of advice. I'm really glad that she can't talk....at least my secrets are safe with her! haha! (Although...I'm sitting here telling "you".....which is probably about 2 people, max!) hahahaha!

Needless to say.....my "getting a grip" and dealing with my life-long food issues and baggage is long over-due. I'm trying my best to come clean.....and I am hoping that next Thursday when I have this surgery, my life will drastically change. Well, that's not really the whole truth.....it already has started changing. I'm taking an honest look and seeing where I've replaced important things (such as love, my relationship with God, trust, my self-image, my confidence, etc....) with food. I am seeing it clearly for the first time in a long time...and I will be completely honest...I don't like what I see. I don't like it at all. I'm so ready for this change. I'm ready to start living LIFE and quit hiding behind 300+ pounds of shame. I am proud to report that as of this morning, I've lost a total of 38 pounds already!!! I'm feeling better and had a small taste of success. God is so good, merciful and gracious to me to allow me to have this second chance!!!
I've taken the first few steps on a very long journey!! A journey that I'm glad to be on!! Bon Voyage! :)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

We had a marvelous time last night meeting Alyssa's coworkers and students! We arrived a bit early....we were a bit worried about finding the right trains and getting the transfers correct...but in reality, we had no problem at all finding her office building. It's a giant pink building beside a teeny-tiny McDonalds. Her office is on the 5th floor. We got to meet her manager and 2 of her coworkers and then we set out for dinner with 3 of her female students and another employee, Liam. Liam is from Seattle and he's teaching here just like Alyssa. We went to one of Alyssa's favorite places to eat in Nisshin....sort of a bar/restaurant/pub type place. She knew all the workers and they all greeted her, laughing and giggling in rapid Japanese. After many introductions, more giggling and bowing...we shed our shoes and climbed up into the loft-area where our tables were located. The tables were low to the ground and we sat on cushions around the table. At least there was a recessed area under the table for our feet, so I didn't have to kneel on my knees all night...but I noticed that most of the Japanese girls did. They brought out our drinks and Alyssa's students were in charge of ordering the food. They ordered about 8 different foods for us to try! First, they brought out a giant slice of raw mackerel and then the waitress got a giant blow-torch and lit it up and cooked the fish right on our table! It was something to see, for sure! The fish tasted very fishy....but I put some sweet soy sauce on it and thought it was quite good! Yes, I did! I ate fish!!! haha! Then they brought 2 large salad bowls. The salads had all kinds of greens, diakon sprouts, lettuce, arugula, cherry tomatoes, and there were tiny bits of potato salad mixed in and it had a creamy white dressing. I ate a lot of greens! Then they brought out some soup. The soup had a thick gray jelly-like substance in it called Congyac (spelling??) that looked nasty, but tasted very good! Once I got past the jello-like texture, I enjoyed it quite well. The soup also had large carrots, diakon and tiny pieces of beef in it...and the broth was very rich and beefy. Next came a big plate of tofu covered in Norri strips and Kim chi. I have never had Kim chi...turns out....I LOVE KIM CHI!! It was so yummy! Then they brought some small pieces of fried chicken...which tasted like....fried chicken nuggets! haha! Somethings are universal, I suppose. After that, they brought out a giant sushi platter with about 6 kinds of fish. I passed on the raw fish...but really enjoyed the diakon and there was this green leaf that was a vibrant neon green....and you take that green leaf and roll up some diakon (Japanese white radish- tastes very sweet and not radish-like at all) and you eat it like a little leaf-salad sandwich! OH my goodness!!! SO good!!!! Very herby and refreshing! There was a seafood pizza....a pizza made on Naan bread covered in fish and cheese. I passed on this dish because I am not supposed to have bread or cheese...but it looked tasty! The next course was some type of fried eggs with diakon on top and some sort of sweet fish broth. I wasn't really hungry anymore...so I didn't sample that, but Alyssa professes that it's one of her favorite dishes. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. haha! After meal, we had to leave in a hurry because the last train left the station bound for Sakae by 11:30pm and we were more than 10 miles from our hotel....NOT a walk I wanted to make. We ended up making the first train, but missed the last train at our transfer station and had to walk about an extra 30 minutes to get back to our hotel. It was a nice walk though.....and we got to see the night-time lights and bars and clubs all lit up....along with the Farris wheel! By the time we got back to our hotel room, it was after 1am and we had plans to meet up with Alyssa at 7am tomorrow morning for a full day of sight-seeing. I forgot to bring my camera cord to upload pictures to the laptop....and this lap top doesn't have a drive for the memory card...so I have over 300 pictures to share....but no way to get them out of my camera just yet. I'm going to ask Alyssa today to see if she has one we can borrow...and if so, I'll post pictures of last night's meal. It was a meal like I've never experienced before...very exotic and very good! The warmth of the Japanese people we've met so far is very charming.....everyone is so polite and accommodating. And I can't get over how clean everything is!! I am excited and waiting on Alyssa to get here this morning to take us on another adventure!
Sayonora for now!!! <3

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Konichiwa, Y'all!!!!!!

Woke up this morning at 7am feeling very refreshed and rested! The shower in my hotel room felt AMAZING, if a little small- and the shampoo, conditioner and body soap are quite fancy and smell like a little bit of spa heaven! I felt like a new woman after a hot shower! We took our time getting ready and decided to strike out on foot to explore the immediate area this morning. I had a Cliff bar (recommended by my nutritionist) for breakfast so that I could take my medication.....and we set out! The morning air was perfect for a nice walk! It was about 65 degrees, sunny and a light breeze. The sky is that very pretty azure blue today with not a cloud to be seen! We walked up to OASIS 21, Central Park and the Nagoya TV tower, taking in all the sights, sounds, smells and colors along the way. OASIS 21 is a large metal oval track-like complex that has a giant fountain on top. The top was closed this morning...but I want to go back when it's dark to see it all lit up. We got a glimpse of it last night on our way in. It's huge and very impressive architecture. We found a little patisserie type cafe and Steve got a raisin bun and I got some Matcha tea. We sat at a bar along the window so that we could people watch. Hundreds of serious looking men in black business suits and ties...lots of fashionably dressed women with high-heels (very few in sensible shoes!). Most talking on or looking at cell phones while they walked. Saw hundreds of bicycles....they don't even chain them up here....they just park them on the street. The streets are spotless too. No litter, no dirt. Swept clean!! Early in the morning all of the shop keepers were out washing their windows. It was a very cheerful scene to walk down the streets and the shops were just starting to open for the day.
We finished our breakfast and walked around the subway complex....lots of high-end shopping: Dolce and Ghabanna was a HUGE store...and having a big sale today, if the people lined up in the ques waiting for the store to open are any indication. We made our way thru Nagoya's Central Park with it's fountains, statuary, and seating spots to the base of the Nagoya TV Tower and we ended up going through the subway station again and getting a bit turned around. None of the street signs are in English....and we just had to keep guessing which way we needed to go. We ended up in Sakae and got to see Pachinco Parlors and bars and shops and cafes and thoroughly enjoyed our selves! There are bright and vibrant colors everywhere!! The smells from the restaurants were strange, spicy and enticing! Many places had large placards with their advertised "set-ups" (what they call a plate?) and prices listed right out side with big pictures of the food so that you can choose what you want. The Japanese are VERY big on presentation and it's so true when they say that you eat with your eyes first. Every dish looked amazing!!! No attention to detail is spared. We found the planetarium and realized that we were way south of where we intended to be and were able to readjust using the Nagoya TV Tower as a landmark to find our way back to our street. We took the Central Park path to get back down to our hotel, enjoying the shade of the trees, the cooing of the pigeons and the sights and smells that are so different from home. Now we're back in our hotel room.....I just had an espresso that was very yummy! and now I'm going to try to take a little cat nap to rest up for more walking this afternoon. Steve is already snoring beside me! haha! I'm feeling GREAT and so far, I am LOVING Japan! I can't wait for tonight to get to spend some more time with Alyssa! What an adventure we're on! A trip of a lifetime! I feel so overwhelmingly blessed and happy to have been able to come! Now, rest for the jet-lag and will write more later! Sayonora!

Our Arrival in Japan (or.....How we lost an entire Tuesday!)

Well, after over a year's anticipation and planning....we're FINALLY in Japan! I'm sitting in my tiny hotel room this morning.....trying to reconcile my body with the time difference. I'm now living approximately 15 hours in the future!! We totally lost an entire Tuesday yesterday when we flew across the international date line. The flight from Nashville to Chicago O'Hare wasn't too bad.....once we got to O'Hare, we had a 10 minute turn-around-time to get to the other terminal. We literally ran the entire way. I thought my lungs were going to explode and my feet fall right off before we made it! We were one of the last ones on the plane....huffing and puffing and with a really red and sweaty face.....I made my way to my tiny seat that would be my "space" for the duration. I think it's mean that they make you walk thru First class, Business class and elite economy to get to your own tiny cheap-seat. You get to see how the lucky few get to fly in comfort while you're stuffed into a pea pod. haha! Never the less, the seat was much more comfortable than on any domestic flight I've ever been on. The stewardesses were so friendly and helpful and smiling and bowing.....the service was amazing! The meals were actually GOOD too! I got miso soup, a salad, a chilled vegetable plate, tender pieces of beef in a soy gravy and some Soba noodles! Everything was diet friendly except the noodles....and I had plenty to eat. I did skip the cup of ice cream they offered, but got a cup of Matcha tea instead. It was very good! They served a second meal about an hour before we landed and it was just as good...more salad, veggies and meatballs with a pasta. Skipped the pasta...ate everything else and was a happy girl! I did have the roll they gave us. It was all carbs....but it was DELICIOUS....and I did really well the rest of the day. Once we got to Tokyo, we had an even shorter turn-around time, complicated by the fact that we had to go through Customs and Immigration before we could check-in for our Nagoya flight. We spoke with the stewardess before we got off the plane, explaining the situation and they had ladies with clipboards holding up "Nagoya" signs asking for Mr. and Mrs. Griffin....they walked us and expedited us through the entire process and even though we still had to run, we made that flight too, just in time! And they were SO gracious!! They even brought me a cup of water to help me catch my breath. Once I got in my seat and settled down....I started crying. I knew it was dumb....but just the enormous stress of all the rushing, the fact that by now I've been flying for 26+ hours and hadn't been able to sleep....and the anticipation of seeing Alyssa in 50 minutes....all came crashing down at once and I cried and cried for about 20 minutes. It's so hard to look cool when you're sobbing at 30,000 feet! hahaa! I did manage to collect myself and calm down and by the time we got to Nagoya....I was FINE. We collected our bags and saw the most BEAUTIFUL sight in the whole world waiting for us just beyond the arrivals door...my baby GIRL!!!!!! Needless to say, once I saw her, grabbed her and started hugging her...the tears fell again...but these tears were HAPPY ones!!
We went on a "death march" to the subway.....made more deadly by my weariness and the fact that I was pulling suitcases that didn't want to roll and the fact that there were a billion stairs and no escalators or elevators....dragging an entire set of luggage up and down 3-4 flights of stairs was brutal. We finally made the subway and rode to Nagoya station.....where we had to negotiate another maze of steps and hallways (called wickets???) to find our connection train. By the time we made it to our hotel to check in and drop the luggage, I was a dead-woman walking....barely upright. We dropped everything in our hotel room and walked back up to the Station where we found a plethora of cool looking cafes. Alyssa took us to one of her favorite....Pepper Lunch. The way you order your food is cool....you look at a giant menu-board on a vending machine. You pick which "set-up" you want...feed Yen into machine and then push the buttons to make your selections. The machine spits out a ticket, which you give to your waiter. He sat us down at a table that was already equipped with chopsticks, water glasses, tongs and napkins. They bring your food on a hot sizzling cast iron plate and the food is raw. They put some garlicky spiced butter on top of the meat and you let the meet cook, turning it with your tongs until it's done to your taste and then you remove it from the sizzling plate onto a plate of rice. My set-up included soup and salad and veggies as well as the beef and a giant pile of bean sprouts. I was very hungry and everything tasted SO good! I ate my salad, my veggies and almost all of my beef....but gave my rice to Alyssa. I tasted the corn soup...which was wonderful...but not on my diet...so I only tasted and didn't eat the whole tempting bowl. By the time we'd eaten...I was feeling MUCH better and we walked back to the hotel and stopped at Lawson's, a convenience store located downstairs in our hotel building. We bought water, tea and a Coke-Zero (in a gold bottle!) for the room fridge. I've been soooo thirsty since we got off the airplane that I could drink an ocean!
We came back up to the room and Alyssa opened her suitcase of goodies that we brought her and she wrote down directions for us to find her work tomorrow night to meet her for dinner. We snuggled for a little bit....but Steve and I both kept falling asleep (He was snoring loudly.....Alyssa and I giggled!) Alyssa finally just tucked us both into bed and kissed us good night and headed home herself because she had to work tomorrow. Our first evening in Japan went VERY well......now to rest up for the fun parts!!!!

Friday, October 14, 2011

The Apple of Disobedience

It’s been a good minute since I’ve made a blog entry. I’ve been crazy busy at work and pre-occupied with many, many things and just haven’t taken the time to sit down and write anything. Today marks 21 days of my prep-diet for my gastric sleeve surgery. I’ve lost 17 pounds and my patience so far. The first week I dropped a large amount of weight very quickly….mostly water weight. Since then, it’s been a struggle of lose 2 pounds, gain 2 pounds back. Lost 2 pounds, gain 1.5 pounds back. Each pound lost since that first has been trying, difficult and an emotional rollercoaster ride. Although I tell myself every single morning that I’m still MUCH healthier than I was before, even if I don’t lose weight……it still breaks my heart to know that I’ve worked soooo hard and yet there is no proof. No encouragement. No “atta-boy” from the scale. Also, if I don’t lose 13 more pounds in the next month….the surgeon simply won’t do the surgery. NO ifs, ands or buts about it. That thought scares me to no end.

I have been following the diet prep plan almost religiously……every single day. Except last night….I wanted an apple. I tried to justify that an apple is NOT really bad for me…..but I knew that I’d already had all of the calories and carbohydrates I was allowed for the day. But my rebellious spirit said, “YOU DESERVE THAT APPLE! After all, it’s only a piece of fruit…..it’s not like it’s a banana split or a bacon cheeseburger! You’ve worked so hard! What is ONE little apple going to do?” (Made me wonder if that’s how Eve felt? Man! I wish I’d had that insight last night!!!)

Here’s where I went wrong…..I put the apple out on the counter. I looked at it. It was beautiful. Perfectly formed, red and beckoning. I look up the caloric content on the internet…..about 45 calories. I picked the apple up. I smelled of the apple. It smelled like apple-scented heaven. I do love apples!! Especially in the fall. I should have put the apple back in the fruit bowl and walked away…..but there I stood….mesmerized by an apple, of all things!!! So then….I sliced the apple open. Creamy white apple flesh….crisp – but sweet. My mouth was literally watering. Needless to say….I ate the stupid apple. I didn’t just EAT it…I devoured it. Like a person who hadn’t eaten anything in months….. And I immediately felt guilty and ashamed.

I knew it was wrong - but I chose to do it anyway. Full realization hit me that I what I had done was the VERY definition of sin. And it broke my heart. I am embarrassed to tell you that I threw myself on the couch and sobbed. Cried. WEPT over eating that apple for a full 30 minutes. I didn’t just cry….I cried myself out. I cried until there were no tears left. I cried until my nose was so red and swollen that it looked like an apple!!! (I did see the irony in that when I looked in the mirror at my red splotchy face once I composed myself.).

You see, I wasn’t so upset merely because I ate an apple…..in the grand scheme of my nutrition I realize that my 45 calorie apple is nothing but a micro-drop in a very deep bucket. I was so “tore-up” (as my Granny would say) over it because of what it represented: my willful, disobedient spirit. The apple was just the latest remix of the broken-record that has sadly become my spiritual life. I can sooo understand why Paul said, “The very things I would do, I don’t do! The very things I would not do, THOSE things – I DO!!!” How many, many times have I prayed for forgiveness for the very same sin? (NOT eating an apple, mind you – but doing what I knew I shouldn’t do for no reason other than the selfish fact that I really, really, really wanted to do it).

After my very dramatic crying-jag last night….after I washed my tear-stained, swollen-up red face and blew my snotty nose, caught my breath and assured my puppy that her Mommy was okay and had NOT REALLY lost her mind……I was FINALLY able to pray (like I meant it and not like I was just doing it because I was supposed to do it) and I felt a gentle sense of peace wash over me….isn’t God’s mercy and grace just amazing?

I wish I wasn’t so hard headed that I let things get to such a state that it takes a mini-nervous breakdown to get through to me…..I wish I was better at listening to the ‘Still Small Voice’ before I plow head-on into rebellion and need a THUNDERSTORM to get my attention.

On the upside…..my weight was back down 2 pounds this morning…despite my apple indiscretion. And I feel better equipped to head into the weekend and stick to my guns. My relationship with God is back to where it should be this morning and that feels better than any weight-loss. I’m so thankful that His mercies for me are new each morning. I can’t imagine living an existence where I didn’t have a hope that THIS CURRENT LIFE isn’t all there is. I face today with a heart full of gratitude and a belly full of salad! J

Sunday, September 25, 2011

First Few Baby Steps on the Journey to the NEW ME!!!!

Well. Last week I attended my very first psychologist session.....to determine if I'm mentally fit enough to undergo a major lifestyle change and to make sure that I don't have any deep-seated issues that would keep me from being able to follow the very strict post-op instructions for my Gastric Surgery. I'm not sure how I did. The first hour was spent being asked a gazillion opened ended questions about myself and my habits and my preferences and my past. He didn't run from the room screaming with his ears on fire....nor did I dissolve into a puddle of snotty tears.....so I suppose it went okay. The second half of the visit was a 3 hour battery of testing. BOY, did they think of EVERYTHING and then some!! I took the MMPI and then there were these other tests to determine my suicide risk (low), my cognitive abilities (the jury is still out), my risk for an eating disorder (worried about this one), and then lastly....an IQ test to make sure I understand all the instructions and the nutrition plan. Wonder what my IQ is now? I was tested many, many moons ago when I was in high school.....and was placed in the gifted program, supposedly with an IQ of 152. But, that was before I had kids.....since I've had 2 children, my brain has turned to muddy mush with the occasional rock and marble thrown in for good measure....so I'm not sure how I scored on that one. Anyway.....he said that if there were any "problems" with any of my results, I'd be contacted within the next 2 weeks. So....now we wait to see if I'm crazy! Hahaha! Some things are self-evident and don't require a battery of testing, right??

After my extensive psychological testing, I attended an hour long nutrition class with a way-too-perky-27-year-old skinny-as-a-rail nutritionist. The information was valuable, but I had a hard time with her credibility. She kept saying, "I know how you feel about....." when indeed, I really don't think she had a CLUE how I felt about any of it. Anyway.....aside from her over-the-top-way-too happy delivery, it was a good session. I was given my "prep diet" and was informed that I had to lose approximately 31 pounds before I could proceed with my surgery. I was given a shopping list and a menu that goes something like this:   Breakfast: Protein Shake mixed with protein powder/skim milk/berries/flax oil.   Lunch: 4 ounces chicken or fish, vegetables, 1 whole-grain starch. Dinner: 4 ounces chicken or fish, vegetables, 1 whole grain starch. And....bonus! I can have all the sugar-free jello and sugar free popsicles I want. I can also have 1 glass of V-8 juice per day. I can't have carbonated or caffeinated beverages or juice. I am to drink nothing for 30 minutes before and 30 minutes after eating and certainly nothing to drink WITH my meal.....but I have to drink at least 84 ounces of water per day. You'll probably hear me sloshing before you see me coming.

So, I began this "prep diet" on Friday. And you know what, it isn't all THAT bad....so far. The worst thing about the first 2 days was caffeine withdrawals. Yesterday the headache was constant and unrelenting despite Advil and prayer......but I made it and didn't give in!!!   I'm only on day 3, of course. Long-term - this could be crazy difficult to maintain. Yesterday, I was terrified because it's the weekend...and that means facing eating-out. I did okay though. We ate at Wendy's on Saturday after walking for 3 1/2 hours at the zoo....so I was ravenous. I got a large salad with vinaigrette (the only salad dressing I'm allowed to have) and I wasn't even able to finish my salad. The hardest part was waiting 30 minutes after eating to have my unsweetened iced tea. That was the longest 30 minutes EVER. I hope that part gets easier. I've always been a "heavy-drinker" with my meals. I managed okay and for dinner I made Steve a pizza (his request) and I had a bowl of salad with tuna and some vinaigrette and was satisfied! I had a small cup of sugar free jello and a sugar-free popsicle while we watched a movie late last night....although I was coveting Steve's Triscuits that he kept crunching. I felt proud that I was able to stick to my guns and get through an entire Saturday that was rife with temptation!

Today was a bit more difficult. I wasn't able to have my protein shake this morning....I didn't have any milk at all. So I scrambled some Egg-Beaters (which can be substituted for 4 ounces of chicken or fish) and topped that with some spicy salsa (also a free-food) and had a piece of whole-wheat toast. I will just have the protein shake for dinner tonight and swap out the meals, since the nutritionist said that you didn't have to eat the 3 meals in any order.   For lunch today, we went to Red Lobster....and again, it worked out GREAT!! I had a salad with vinaigrette, broiled flounder (I don't like fish- so I had to put some vinaigrette on the fish too, to kill the fishy-taste/smell), and the steamed broccoli. I was satisfied and even too full to finish the last bites of broccoli and fish. Again, the hardest part for me was waiting 30 minutes after eating to drink my water with lemon. I did wait though...I just asked the waitress to put my water in a "to-go" cup and toughed it out for 30 minutes. We went to shop in Kohls...so it was more like 50 minutes before I got to drink my water...but when I did...I gulped that water down in one swallow!! hahaha! We then went to Walmart, where I got another 24 ounce bottle of water and that too was gone in mere seconds. Maybe it won't be so difficult to drink 84 ounces of water......because after having to wait.....the water was the best I'd ever tasted! haha! Mind games! :)

The whole thing about not drinking with my meals is because they want food to sit in my stomach for a longer period of time for satiety....and not wash it on through with liquids. Ms. Perky-Nutritionist did a cool demonstration with a funnel and baby food. She poured the baby food into the funnel....and a little bit dripped out the bottom of the funnel, but not much. Then she poured 3 ounces of water into the funnel on top of the baby food and it all shot out the bottom of the funnel very quickly. She said that when we drink with a meal, we pretty much do the same thing....wash the food right out of our bellies before we feel full. Makes sense when I think about it. It's just a totally different paradigm for me.

Also, it's only day 3 today....but my scales are making me VERY happy!! I was down 7 pounds yesterday and another 2 pounds today!! I know it's water weight....but it's still quite delightful (and encouraging) to FINALLY see the numbers going down, instead of up-up-UP!!! I can DO this!!! I even feel a little skinnier! Hahahaha!!! I know that sounds crazy, but I really DO feel smaller! Reality bit hard in the dressing room at Kohls when I tried on a few blouses.....but I think that eating healthier and drinking water makes you FEEL better anyway. Maybe it's just my imagination......or maybe it's simply God's merciful grace to get me through these first few days of what I was thinking would be total depravation. I am now 9 pounds and 3 days closer to my goal!!! And that , my dear friends feels AMAZING !!!!!!!!!!!!   I'm going to continue to pray for that grace to wash over me every time my mind wanders and loses it's self thinking about french-fries and nachos....for the french fries and nachos are fickle friends......tasting good....but robbing me of my joy. Ain't gonna let 'em!!! AIN'T GONNA LET 'EM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can do ALL things thru Christ who strengthens me!!! I can DO this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Fall, Autum, Harvest Season

I love the fall of the year! The briskness in the air, the hint of coolness is such a welcome respite after the long hot summer months! I love how the leaves start to change colors- how they don bright orange, yellow, red and brown dresses for their fanciful flight from the tree tops to the ground! I love the way the leaves crunch and poof up around your feet when you walk through them. I love the way it gets dark earlier…as if to beckon us inside where it’s warm and cozy.

I love the big orange pumpkins and the knobby, warty squashes and the calico-colored ears of Indian corn! I love the odd shapes and crooked necks of the gourds! I love the rainbow colors of Mums and the smell of the bales of hay.

I love caramel apples, apple cider and bobbing for apples! I love how the air seems to have a spicy-smoky aroma all the time, maybe from the burning leaves. I love State Fairs with all the animals and the rides and the deep fried foods and the foods on a stick! I love to see the birds in giant flocks flying south. I also love to see the geese.....flying high in their perfect V-formations! I love putting out bird feed to invite the birdies to stop for a rest and a bite to eat in my back yard.

I love seeing the kids start back to school with brand-spanking new backpacks and shoes! I love school supplies in general…..the pencils, paper, pens, glue, markers, crayons….I could just go on and on! I love seeing little kids all dressed up for Halloween: .princesses, witches, Super Heroes, cowboys! OH they are just ALL so precious!! I love the little fun-sized candy bars that you hand out at Halloween, I love candy corn and I love popcorn balls!

I love acorns, I love hayrides, I love bonfires, I love field trips, I love pumpkin patches, I love fall festivals and I love a big orange harvest moon in a black-velvet sky! I love foggy mornings! I love the fact that I can wear a sweater and pull out the fuzzy, soft warm socks! I love hot, steamy fragrant coffee on a crisp, cool morning! I love mulled apple cider with spicy scents of cinnamon and nutmeg! I love a big crock-pot full of chili for a cool evening’s supper.

Fall, Autumn, Harvest Season….whatever you call it, it’s my favorite time of the year!!!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Reasons

Why do I want to even consider bariatric surgery??? I have many, many reasons:

1. I am unhealthy and my health is declining rapidly. I'm only 43...but I feel like I'm 73.
2. I am in constant pain with my feet/ankles and legs....they were never meant to carry this much weight. It is getting to the point where it just hurts to walk.
3. I can't walk up a single flight of stairs without gasping for breath like a fish out of water.
4. I hate wearing my CPAP.
5. I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol.
6. My kidneys can't handle this much weight either.
7. My heart beat is irregular....and it's probably because I'm so big.
8. I am taking medication for depression....and my depression is directly linked to how big I am.
9. I have no clothes that fit any more. Even my "fat" clothes are getting too small.
10. I can't wear pretty shoes because my feet hurt too badly.
11. I can't wear skirts because my legs are too heavy.
12. I have to go to the "big-girl" store to buy bras. In a size that bras shouldn't come in.
13. All my shirts look like Omar the Tent maker made them.
14. It's hard to be professional as a nurse and educate your patients on nutrition and health when they look at you and you KNOW they're thinking, "Yeah. But look at YOU!"
15. My friends young daughter said while pointing at me, "WOW! Mom! She is so fat!"
16. I am ashamed of how I look....so much so that I limit my activities in public because I'm embarrassed to be seen like this.
17. I don't feel sexually attractive.
18. I have to request the seat-belt extender on an airplane...and if I ever get seated in the middle seat...I have to hug my arms across my body the entire flight so that I can fit in my own seat. I've seen seat-mates roll their eyes when they saw that they were sitting beside me. Ouch.
19. I can't fit into rides at the amusement park.
20. I can't sit in our own lawn chair....it has a weight limit of 275 pounds.
21. I can't go horseback riding. Wouldn't be fair to the horse.
22. I have to be careful where I sit at other people's houses....and pray for a sturdy chair.
23. I cringe when someone wants to take my picture. I HATE seeing how I look in a photograph.
24. I actually take showers in the dark...so that I don't even have to see my naked body myself.
25. I will NOT be naked in front of my husband.
26. I have trouble painting my own toenails....or tying my own shoes.
27. It takes 2-3 tries to get up from a seated position.
28. It's almost impossible to get in/out of my husband's small sports car.
29. I can't keep up with my husband when we go somewhere. I get tired so quickly and he becomes frustrated with my limitations.
30. I haven't worn a swimsuit in public in about 5+ years.
31. I sometimes don't want to even go to church because I feel like I look so awful and huge.
32. I'm afraid I embarrass my family because of my size.
33. I'm embarrassed to eat in front of other people.....I feel like they are judging me and what I eat.
34. I have upset stomach a lot....probably from not eating healthy foods.
35. My wedding ring is getting too small.
36. I can't wear a "regular size" watch band. I had to order an extra large one.
37. I can't buy clothes at regular stores......unless they have a Plus Size department.
38. I can't wear boots. My legs won't fit into them.
39. I have stretch Marks all OVER my body.
40. I get a heat rash from being fat.
41. I can't wear shorts in public...no way am I going to show my legs.
42. I can't wear sleeveless shirts/dresses....my arms are too big.
43. I take 8 prescription medications...and that is EXPENSIVE!!
44. I am terrified of becoming a Diabetic.
45. I'm afraid I will become one of those huge fat women who are confined to their house....I keep having images of the movie, "What's Eating Gilbert Grape."
46. I have stress incontinence. (If Whoppi can admit it, so can I!!) It has to be the weight on my bladder that makes it so bad.
47. I have tried every "diet" out there....at least twice each. And I have failed and failed and failed. I'm terrified of failing again.
48. I want something permanent....I want there to be "no turning back!" I never want to be like this again.
49. I believe gluttony is a sin. And I can't stop sinning. I've repented a gazillion times....but still turn back to it. I'm desperate for help.
50. I want another chance. A Do-Over....and I want to get it right this time.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

A story about being on-call as a home health nurse in the early 1990's

It was a bright, sunny and very hot late summer afternoon and I was the nurse on-call for our Home Health agency. I got the call around 4pm and knew I was going to have to drive over an hour away to see a Hospice patient and start a Morphine infusion because his pain had steadily gotten worse during the day and he needed some relief. I wasn't feeling the best and it was so hot. I had a rumbling in my stomach and just didn't feel like going....but there's not a lot of choice when it's your turn to take call and someone needs you; You just have to buck it up and GO. It was very hot that day...in the upper 90's. This was back when nurses were still required to wear white. It worked out okay for us younger home-care nurses in the summer time, because we'd wear our white dresses with white bobby socks and white nursing shoes and no one seemed to mind that we weren't wearing hose. Wearing a dress with socks was much cooler than wearing stockings or wearing white pants.

So since I was on-call, I loaded up my on-call box with the necessary supplies, piled it all into my truck and headed out to see my patient. He lived on the other side of the Chickamauga Battlefield National Park. If you're not from around my home-town of Fort Oglethorpe, GA....you have to understand that the battlefield (back then) only had a two lane highway, the speed-limit was either 30 or 40 miles per hour the entire way and there was NOWHERE to stop. No gas stations, no restaurants, no convenience stores. Nothing but trees, monuments, Civil War cannons, forests, open fields and miles of hiking trails through the woods.

I left the city and headed south and entered the park. About 5 miles into the battlefield, my stomach started hurting in earnest. It started churning and cramping and rolling and the pain was as bad as either time I was ever in labor during childbirth. The pain became unrelenting and seemed to worsen every second. I broke out in a cold sweat. I got goose-bumps. I needed a bathroom and I needed a bathroom RIGHT THEN. I tried lamaze breathing, but that turned out to help just about as much as it did when I was in labor (which was not at all). I tried singing. I tried praying. I started crying. I have never had to go to the bathroom so badly in my entire life. And I was a good 15 minutes away from civilization by this point. I was in the middle of the woods in a National park with no hope of a bathroom for at least 10-15 miles and I just knew I wasn't going to make it.

Sure enough. Worse came to worse and it just happened a little bit. I pulled off the side of the road and ran back into the woods to complete what had started without my consent. Since I was wearing a dress....I just pulled off my soiled panties and threw them....they caught on a branch and ended up dangling from a tree-branch like some kind of disturbing flag of surrender. I knew that they weren't salvageable any longer anyway....and there was NO WAY they were going back in MY car like they were. So there I was. Squatting in the woods. When the cramping and worse of the pain subsided and I was able to stand upright again. I was a mess! How on earth was I going to clean up enough to get back in the car?? I gingerly walked back out to my truck and raided my emergency supply car-stock. I found a liter bottle of Normal Saline and some packages of 4 X 4 gauze...and a box of gloves! It was the best I could do. I toted the supplies back into the woods and proceeded to give myself a very through sponge bath with my saline and bandages.....all the while praying that I didn't encounter a Park Ranger, a hiker, a Civil War soldier ghost or any wild animals.

Once my bathing was complete....I had two choices. 1. I could turn around, drive back home and get some underwear or 2. I could go ahead and see my patient while not wearing panties. I figured that he was in pain and needed the morphine more than I needed peace of mind about my lack of underwear....so off I went and made the visit. The patient and his family were none the wiser. I had to go back to work the next day and explain the missing supplies.....and boy did they get a hoot out of my story. I actually got several pairs of underwear for Christmas that year to keep in my glove-box in my car. Which, if you think about it, isn't that bad an idea! haha!!!!

I just hope that no unsuspecting Park Ranger ever found those soiled panties hanging from that tree branch.

Rambling about the Rain

Rainy days. Sometimes, rainy days can make me feel melancholy and blue and lonely. Some times (like today), rainy days beckon me to feel cozy and long to curl up on my couch with a cup of tea and a good book. It has been a good minute since we've had a rainy day around here.....and today, the heavens opened up and spilled out rain all day long. It's just got me to thinking a lot about rain.

I certainly know that I can tell when rain is coming by the sharp and insistent increase in joint aches and pain....the older I get, the more accurate a meteorologist my joints become! The change in barometric pressure also tends to trigger headaches for me too. I should use this to my advantage and ditch nursing for the Meteorology trade! Or could I combine the two and become a Weather-Nurse? Hmmmm. It's a possibility! Aches and pains aside......rain plays a big part in our lives.

I love a slow and steady gentle rain...the kind my Grandma used to call a "soakin rain" because that's the kind of rain that soaks into the ground and makes the grass green and the garden grow. I don't much care for what she always called "a Toad Strangler," "a Gully Washer" because that was what she called a violent and sudden down-pour - usually accompanied by a thunderstorm.

While there is a certain some awe-inspiring majesty in a good riotous thunderstorm, first hand and very personal experience with an F4 tornado on Easter weekend in 1997 and brushes with Hurricanes Ike, Opal, Bonnie and Andrew have caused a certain amount of storm-anxiety for me.  Mother Nature's violent side has a way of striking fear in your heart, for sure.

But I am thinking more about happy-rain today.....which brings to mind songs about happy rain. "Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head" and "I Love A Rainy Night" and "Have You Ever Seen The Rain" and "Purple Rain" "Listen To The Rhythm Of The Falling Rain", "It's Raining, It's Pouring" , "It's Beginning To Rain", "Holy Spirit - Rain Down", "Showers of Blessings" "Pray for Rain", "Sometimes He Calms The Storm", "Riding the Storm Out" "I Bless The Rains Down In Africa," "I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone", "Umbrella," "Rock You Like A Hurricane,"   "Smokey Mountain Rain" and of course, "Singing In The Rain, and (this one's a stretch...) "It's Raining Men!"    Seems to me, there are a lot of folks happy and singing about rain!

But it wouldn't be fair to mention the happy rain songs without at least a nod to some of the sad rain songs. There's "Rainy Days and Mondays" and "Who'll Stop The Rain" and "Mandolin Rain" and "Here Comes The Rain Again" and "It's Raining Again," "Flood", "Here comes that Rainy Day Feelin" and "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone."

And then there are songs that I can't tell if they are happy-rain or sad-rain songs (maybe they are indifferent rain songs)......"Fire and Rain" or "It Never Rains in Southern California." "Blue Eyes Cryin In The Rain" (one of my late Grandpa's favorites).   Anyway. Lots of other people thinking, singing about rain, it seems. I've never really thought about it before....but there sure are a lot of songs about rain!

Guess folks sing about rain, pray for rain, dance for rain, talk about rain, walk in the rain, and then look for rainbows.

There's a line in an old song that keeps coming to mind...."The same rain that grows the crops will drown the rat." Such a random sentence! (I tried to google the name of the song, but I couldn't find it and I don't remember who sang it). But it's true. I guess the "take away" is that all things really are good.....but dangerous if not in moderation; even rain.

Sometimes, rain does make me feel sad. I guess I equate it to Heaven crying and the raindrops are her tears? (Wow. That sounded a lot less cheesy in my head). And sometimes, I guess the gray drabness of cloudy, gloomy days on end can cause a bit of the blues to seep in around the edges.....just like rain-puddle water into your canvas shoes. I see raindrops rolling down the window panes....and they look like sad, sad tears. I hear the rain in the gutters and it sounds mournful. I get raindrop splatters on my pantyhose and it looks like a skin disorder. My hair gets wet and falls limp and flat and I just want to stay home and curl up all day on the couch with my puppy dog (who, for the record, doesn't even CARE if it's a bad-hair day) and a soft blanket and just BE for a while. Sometimes, the rain makes me feel wistful and sigh heavily. Sometimes, it just drizzles and makes me feel mellow.

In the summer, I love the way the rain smells. Especially if it's a really hot day and a cooling shower pops up to ease the heat a bit. I love to see the steam rising from the hot pavement. I love to splash in puddles! I like the way mud squishes between my toes and feels all cool and soothing! I love how the air seems cleaner after the rain washes the skies. I love how the flowers are perkier and how a few raindrops linger on the petals of the rose blossoms like shiny pearls. I love how raindrops look when they are caught in a spiders web - like sparkling diamonds on lace....I love how you can cry in the rain and no one can tell. I love to see rain clouds in the distance when you can see where the rain is falling. I like a good storm at night when we're at the beach. Lightning over the ocean is just breath-taking in beauty. I love the way that the sun colors the sky at sundown right after a storm and the sky turns all those firey shades of orange and gray before the sun disappears. I love the cool relief an unexpected summer storm can bring.

In the winter time, especially around the holidays....I don't mind a few cloudy, rainy cold days. I don't want rainy days on end......that tends to dampen my spirits. But a few rainy, overcast days here and there aren't too bad. Mostly because I live in the south and we rarely see snow for the holidays.....so the cloudy days I like to pretend snow is coming...it just seems more festive and "Christmassy" than the usual sunny, mild days. But I will have to admit that I'm not a big fan of rainy, cold, raw days in January and February because by then the novelty of winter has worn thin and I'm ready for those mild sunny days again!

Rainy days sometimes makes me feel "domestic"....I don't know how, but the rain somehow triggers an instinct to nest. To clean, bake and care for hearth and home. Today has been one of those kind of days. I've gotten the laundry done....and somehow, the sweet smell of the fabric softener and freshly washed sheets just makes me feel so happy! I'm baking some oven-roasted acorn squash right now.....basted with real butter and I've grated some fresh nutmeg and cinnamon over the squash. It is making the house smell absolutely heavenly!!! My husband is home and near by....and my puppy sleeps at my feet. All is well in my refuge from the rainy world- my own little nest; and that makes me very happy, indeed!...Rain or shine! :)

Okay. I promised that my blog would be full of self-indulgent rambling....and this surely proves that! haha! I was just thinking a lot about rain today. :)