And yet.......when I am all alone...in the dark and in the quiet moments.....I sometimes still feel a deep sadness. It is almost like a longing for something....a nagging doubt about life......but it's elusive and I can't make out what I think I am missing. It brings about a feeling of restlessness and emptiness in my soul. And the guilt of that emptiness weighs heavy on me. How could I possibly feel empty when I have been given so much? What does it say about me...about me as a person.... to want something.....something so undefined and vague that I can't even give it a name....when I already have been given so much?
It's true that this stage of life has it's moments of great happiness....the spontaneity of being able to drop everything and travel....the ability to hop on the back of a motorcycle and take off for the day......the freedom of being responsible for no one but ourselves......these things are very freeing and precious to me. But there are times......many times....when I find myself missing the days when my kids were at home. Missing the bickering, the laughter, the banter, the fussing. Missing the good night hugs, our word games in the car, and our family shenanigans at the dinner table. There are a few hundred times a day when I will read something or see something that I know one of the kids would appreciate and I can't wait to tell them...but we talk so infrequently now, that I forget before I get to talk to them again.
One child is thousands of miles away in a foreign land....both literally and figuratively. I'm lucky if we get to talk every three months or so now. She's busy living her life and it doesn't include her parents anymore. She is a very independent young woman....who no longer wants or needs us. I have had to actually grieve this loss.....and it really feels like someone chopped off a large piece of my heart and sent it away right along with her. Sometimes I miss her so much I can hardly breathe. I've lost count of the tears. When we do talk, it's not the same as it used to be.....there's an awkwardness and a distance that's hard to span. And it breaks my heart into a million jagged pieces. She is still my baby girl....and no matter how much time passes or how much distance there is..... I don't think I will ever stop missing her.
The other child is closer to home, but still not at home. I do get to see him every few weeks or so...and that is good. But I still worry. He hasn't always made the best decisions...but he's learning from his mistakes and becoming his own man. My little baby boy is a towering 6'2" tall young man .....and I have to look up to him now. There is still nothing sweeter than a hug from him and hearing the precious words, "I love you, Momma."
Time sure is a weird thing. It seems to go by so slowly when we are in the middle of life's day in and day out tasks.......work days stretch out into forever, hard times seem to last so long, and yet...........the years just fly by. In retrospect, it really did all happen so fast. My babies became toddlers who became school age kids who became 'tweens and then teens filled with angst and then....poof: They were adults and they were gone. Flown from the nest. ....leaving behind a few old clothes and toys in the attic and photographs as a reminder that they were even here. Maybe what I am longing for is a way to capture and replay the last 25 or so years. Maybe I'm not through grieving the loss of my role as a mother. Maybe, like most things in this life.... healing will come to me in fits and starts over the next few years. Meanwhile, I pray that I can find the grace I need to continue to find happiness and contentment with my life in this current season of change.
My life is good, and my husband is amazing. He loves me for who I am. We laugh together. We cry together (okay, mostly I cry and he loves me anyway). And there is a lot of laughter.....his sense of humor keeps me guessing, even after all these years. He is tender and loving....and generous and giving. And strong and safe. He is good and Godly and skilled and talented. My marriage isn't perfect....because it's the union of two very human people....but it is a GOOD marriage.
Why then, do I have such seasons of doubt? Why do I wrestle with feeling empty and lonely and sad? Why do I feel isolated and alone........even among friends and loved ones? How on earth can I feel so content one second...and so utterly defeated the next? How can I vacillate so wildly between feeling loved and feeling forsaken? How can I have so much, and still feel empty? How can I completely know that I am this blessed and yet still feel miserable? Is it ungratefulness? Selfishness? Darkness? A genetic predisposition to depression? Doubt? Sin? Humanness?
I have a GOOD marriage and a GOOD life. I am blessed.....beyond all that is reasonable and necessary and explainable. My blessings have been pressed down, without measure, and overflowing......and I KNOW that this life of mine is so much more than I could ever deserve or even wish for or dream of or imagine.....I am simply awash in the glorious and unmerited favor of God.........and I am His child. And while I truly believe that with all my heart......there are still dark nights when I have to pray and cry out..."Lord, help my unbelief!"
