WHOEVER said that there was no use in crying over spilled milk had never spilled an entire gallon of milk into the trunk area of a (rear engine) brand-new, leased BMW Z-4 convertible. It was 30 seconds of poor judgement a year ago.....and I'm still paying for that lapse in judgement today.
On a warm October evening here in Pinellas Park, Florida, my husband was coming back form a business trip to Washington DC. I decided to make a last minute trip to the grocery store to stock up on the essentials so that I could surprise him with a nice, hot, home cooked meal and homemade brownies waiting for him upon his return that night. I had worked 12 hours already, stopped by the grocery store, and was putting groceries in the trunk of my car. It was the first time I'd been grocery shopping in my new car....and the trunk sure didn't hold a lot.....not if I wanted to put the top down. But there seemed to be plenty of room on the sides of the trunk....and it was very dark in the parking lot......so I couldn't see the warning stickers saying "Don't place any item here." So I loaded up the truck, returned my shopping cart and hopped back in the car. I turned on the engine and pushed the button to lower the top of the car. All of a sudden, I heard the loudest GUNSHOT I'd ever heard!! My entire car shook. I just knew I'd either been shot or a car had run into me at a high rate of speed in the parking lot. I was stunned. And then I heard what sounded like water running. It took a good minute for me to realize what had just happened.
The mechanism that lowers and raises the convertible hardtop takes up the room where I had placed my gallon of milk. And as the mechanical arm came down with it's hydraulic pressure, it crushed the plastic gallon of milk, causing the loud boom and the power of the impact of the explosion had shaken the whole car. I was stunned. I got out of the car and looked at the trunk. White liquid was running out of the back and had splattered EVERY. WHERE. My groceries were milk-soaked. The carpeting in my trunk was milk soaked. And what I didn't understand at the time.....the milk was dripping, seeping, and leaking down into the engine compartment and into the hydraulic pump for the convertible top.
SO.....I did what any normal female would do in this situation. I started crying. Hysterically. In the parking lot of the grocery store. An older lady stopped to see if I was hurt and if she could help me. I was squalling. Not just crying....not just a few dainty tears....I was snot-bubble-blowing- can't-catch-your-breath- sniveling-snorting bawling. I think I was trying to explain what was happening....and I must have added in some where along the rambling, sobbing tale, "My husband is going to KILL me!" Because that ONE phrase was all she zeroed in on. She kept asking me questions like..."Sweetie, does your husband hurt you? Does he hit you? Do I need to call 911?" I came to my senses long enough to realize that she had entirely the wrong idea about what was going down.....and I had enough sense to thank her for her kindness and then put the top back up and high-tail it out of Dodge before the police arrived to arrest my poor unsuspecting, non-abusive husband.
As I hit the button to raise the top back up, the top came up.....and about a third of the gallon of milk showered INSIDE my car as the now milk-soaked headliner in the roof snapped back into place above my head. Now, not only was my trunk milk-soaked, but the entire interior of my car was milk-soaked....along with my hair and clothes. I'm pretty sure I washed the milk off my face with the steady flowing river of tears I was still crying. I stopped off at the Dollar General store at the end of my street and bought 2 cans of heavy-duty carpet cleaner, 2 cans of carpet fresh, a bundle of microfiber towels, and a bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol (Because evidently completely ruining a brand new expensive car and then incessant crying makes my head hurt). I was still crying when I made it to the checkout and the guy working that night looked at me kind of worried.....asked, "Ma'am, are you okay? Do you need help?" To which I sobbed....."No thank you, but thank you! I just spilled a gallon of milk in the trunk of my brand-new car and I need to go clean it as soon as possible." He looked at me like I was from Mars.....but at least he didn't question me further and (as far as I know) he didn't call the cops.
So I got home and carried in my soggy groceries. I dried off and salvaged what I could.....but a box of bran flakes and a 24 pack of toilet-paper just do not stand up to a soaking in a grocery bag bag full of milk. Everything I took out of the bags was covered in milk. I soon remembered that milk has lactose.....a sugar. So everything was also incredibly STICKY too. After the food was safely in the house......I went back out side to survey the damage in the car.
I opened the trunk and use an entire roll of paper-towels to sop up the milk. Still not enough. I lined the trunk with 2 giant beach towels and they soaked up milk until they were soppy wet. I don't know HOW much milk was in that gallon of milk......but I know that it was more than a gallon. It had to be more than a gallon. That evil milk multiplied. There was milk EVERYWHERE. The carpet in the trunk was soaked. The carpet on the top of the trunk - soaked. The headliner in my car soaked.....which dripped down onto the carpet inside my car interior and it all became: SOAKED. I got the big giant garage fan and pointed it at my trunk. I was still crying.
By the time Steve pulled into the driveway after his long work-day and then his long flight home....he found me standing in the garage, covered in milk and milk-sweat and tears and snot....my eyes swollen and blood-shot, my nose red and bulbous like a bizarre clown....staring at the back of my milk-soaked trunk like the whole world had ended. He took one look at me and said very quietly, "What did you do?"
Which started off the water works again. I had to confess my milky-sin and stupidity and in between sobs, apologize and cry some more. To say that he wasn't happy would be an understatement for the ages....but that poor, old, kind, nosey lady at the grocery store had nothing to worry about. He never even raised his voice. He helped me clean up my mess in the garage from the clean-up attempts (and by this time it was near 11pm) and it was too dark to really see or do anything else..... so I showered to wash off the milk-sweat and tears and we went to bed....where I promptly cried myself to sleep....a fitful and pathetic sleep full of milky bad dreams.
Over the next week....we tried to clean the carpet in the car every way we could. We sprayed carpet cleaner and let it sit and then we scrubbed. We Carpet-Freshed and vacuumed. We baking-soda'ed and vacuumed. But it was October in Florida......and it was HOT. And the milk started to smell. At first, it was just slightly unpleasant......kind of like when a baby spits-up it's milk. But as the heat and sun continued.......the smell became more and more unpleasant. We rented a steam-cleaner. We steam-cleaned the carpets and interior.....twice. Then Steve thought to remove the floor of the trunk......underneath was the spare-tire well..... which was (surprise!) full of milk...which had by then turned and clotted into a soupy curds and whey in the heat. Then he realized that the milk had seeped below THAT......and the BMW has a rear-engine......so the engine compartment was filled with milk. Cottage cheese, really by this time. Chunks of cheesy, foul-smelling debris. Poor Steve took the pieces apart as best he could, washing each smelly part and clearing out the clotted milk chunks. He even soaked the rubber pieces in dish-washing solution to clear the smell. But still, my car smelled like i was hiding a dead body in the trunk. As the days wore on, the smell became worse.
I couldn't even drive my car with the top up. The stench was overwhelming. I tried every air-freshener on the market. I had air-freshening gels, sprays, oils, buckets, pellets, strips, trees......I put dryer-sheets under the seats and sprayed Fabreeze everywhere. Somebody told me to put tupperware dishes full of coffee grounds under the seats. I tried it all. Twice...to no avail. I sprinkled baby powder. I sprinkled carpet fresh again.....I kept a jar of Vicks Salve in the console to put under my nose so that I could drive to work and back (hey...it works on TV for homicide detectives when they have to deal with dead, decomposing bodies- so I thought I'd give it a shot!)
People would compliment me and say, "Nice Car!" and I would nervously laugh, awkwardly and say, "Thanks!" and think......."Oh, if you ONLY knew!!" I wouldn't let anyone ride with me. I wouldn't go through a drive-through at Dunkin-Donuts to get my coffee because I didn't want anyone to smell how HORRIBLE my car was. And then....we had to drive to West Palm Beach for my company Christmas party and we took my car. We did okay.........the smell is only REALLY bad when you first get in....you tend to get used to it as your nose-hairs burn out and all of your senses become numb after a while. We made it to the hotel just fine.....until HORROR OF ALL HORRORS.......it was a ritzy hotel that REQUIRED us to Valet park the car. Handing over the key to the Valet was the single most embarrassing moment I could remember. The look on his face when he opened the door was priceless...he literally, physically backed up 5 feet from revulsion and the shock of the odor when he opened the driver's side door. To this day, I wonder what the poor boy thought caused that horrific smell in our car. Needless to say, we gave him a big tip.
Winter came and went and the smell was lingering....but also mellowing some. The fact that it was a bit cooler was of benefit, no doubt. I bought these Heavy-Duty Odor-Absorbing jars of goo at Home Depot and they really did seem to help better than anything else we had tried. I kept a jar in the trunk and a jar under the driver's seat and we made it to spring. Spring brought the rainy season and as spring gave way to summer.....tropical daily deluges were not uncommon. Then, the car took on a mellow-sour-milk and mildew kind of smell.......so I but 2 jars of deodorizer in the trunk and a jar under each seat....which seemed to really help.
Then.....last week, I had ridden to work with the top down, as I usually do and I got to work and tried to put up the top up. And it wouldn't budge. Not a centimeter. It was stuck. I had to drive back home and put the car in the garage.....because rain was forecasted. I called the dealership who said that their technician would be in on Wednesday....so we took the car down there......not really thinking that the milk would be the problem....I mean....it happened almost a year ago, right???
Well, I got the phone call from the dealership saying that they thought water had gotten into the hydraulic pump of the convertible top......so they were going to have to order a new pump. She said that with all the rain we've been having (record rainfall and flooding) that it wouldn't be uncommon for rain water to get into the system somehow. I breathed a sigh of relief. Rain water was covered by warranty!! I got another call the next day, telling me that it was not WATER in the hydraulic pump system....but something very foul-smelling and very sticky with chunks of stuff in it...which was obviously caused by something being spilled into it....which completely voided the warranty. The cost to fix? A mere $1700 - plus tax. But they did throw in a free car wash and an oil change while they were at it at no extra charge.
So............a measly gallon of milk: $2.79 at the grocery store and 30 seconds of poor judgement.... has cost me more than $2000 in total damages to a brand-new (LEASED!!) car. And we still aren't finished. The headliner in my car is still stained. Despite 2 steam-cleanings and a bunch of other cleaning nonsense that didn't work. If we can't get the stain out....before I turn the car back in, I will likely have to pay to replace that too.
So. It will probably forever be TOO SOON for "got milk" jokes. I haven't had a glass of milk or even a bowl of cereal with milk in it....in almost a year. And I don't foresee me drinking milk in the near future. When I go to the grocery store now, I put my milk (and all other liquids!!) in a giant triple-ply plastic insulated bag and I put it in the front floor board of my car and prop it upright with other groceries. Just in case it decides to "go rogue."
No crying over spilled milk. A bunch of hooey. Indeed.
