Have you ever looked into the mirror and found yourself wondering who on earth is that staring back at you? Who is that old, bitter looking woman in the mirror and how did she get in my house? That's where I find myself this morning. Who the heck have I become and where did the "real" me go?
Granted, it's been a tough last year or so......but the woman I see looking back at me barely resembles the woman in the mirror a year or two ago. This stranger looks scared. She looks tired. She looks worried and anxious and she looks sad. She looks like she has lost something.
What's happened to her? What's missing? What caused this change? Can we reverse the time machine and fix her?
After almost a year in a job that chewed her up and wrung her out, she has finally admitted that it is time to move on. The grass at the new company may not be greener, but at least it's a different pasture. She has never felt so defeated in her career, so incompetent in her work and so mistrusting of her abilities. She isn't afraid of hard work, quite the contrary...she views it as a challenge and usually rises to the occasion and meets the quest with enthusiasm. But this time, she has been knocked down and kicked around and told repeatedly that she is not good enough, not smart enough, not experienced enough, not leader enough, not vision enough, not positive enough, and that she doesn't work hard enough. Despite long hours, despite taking home work every day, despite every attempt to make it work.....it just isn't. And the funny thing is.......in reality, it's not even that woman that's so lacking. But in the end, it's her that is left feeling broken, inept, bitter, exhausted, and used. Her heart needs some time to heal, to regain confidence, to remember who she is and what she stands for.
What does she stand for anyway? She has forgotten along the way. Faith has become wishful thinking; Gratitude and thankfulness has given way to taking things for granted. Heartache, anxiety, and worry have replaced creativity and wonder. Exhaustion has given way to inertia and indifference. And I don't even recognize myself any more.
Things I have worked so hard to achieve mean little to nothing to me. I don't want to go to church any more. I don't want to get up in the morning. I don't want to go to bed at night. I stare into the distance, not really seeing anything. Life goes on around me, and I just sit like a lump.....wanting so badly to be a part of it, but not having the energy or motivation to even try. My healthy lifestyle that I had worked so hard to achieve is **poof** gone. I have gained back 40 pounds that I had worked so hard to lose. Literally blood, sweat, and tears and now, seemingly all for naught. Exercising makes me physically nauseous....to the point of actually throwing up a time or two. My bones ache. My muscles ache. My eyeballs even hurt. My head aches and my heart pounds. Exhaustion weighs me down so heavily that even the thought of exercising moves me to tears. I half-heartedly force myself to climb up on the elliptical machine three to four times a week and actually have to MAKE myself move my body. I know better.....I know that simple physics tells me that the more I move, the more I will be likely to move.....and the better I will feel. But somewhere along the way, the promised exercise endorphins have lied to me and didn't show up for the party and now I don't trust them to show up at all. So I'm a lump. And I just want to curl up on the couch and not move. And not think. And not.....be. Can a person just be in a state of suspended animation for a while and then maybe wake up feeling refreshed and renewed? Because that's what I need.
Church isn't my refuge any more. We don't even have a regular church now. We have drifted from church to church, looking for the right "fit" but we haven't found it yet. And it is so disheartening to keep going week after week. The last church we visited seemed promising until we read their "what we believe" paragraph and realized that we could never be on-board with what they endorse. The church before told us that we were too old to serve in their worship ministries because we are over their "target demographic".......and here I thought that the church's target demographic should simply be sinners in need of a Savior? Silly me. The target audience was only sinners under the age of 30 for this specific church. And it made me feel unwanted and unneeded and reinforced my already lethargic, sad and pitiful view of myself. We visited other churches where we were the youngest folks in the room....and that isn't what my soul needs. I long for fellow-ship with other believers....I long for friendships and prayer partners and someone to challenge and study with me, to call me out when I'm wrong and to pray me though my failings and to call me when they need prayer as well. I really miss that basic frame-work of the local church in my life. I feel adrift in my faith and it has even caused me to wonder if I need to compromise my own beliefs to find a place to fit.....but in my heart, I know that's not really the answer.
I used to be a Mommy......which was a noble purpose and a high calling. It was my primary identify and a role I took very seriously. But my kids grew up, became adults, and moved away. I have no one to mother any more. My opinions are now intrusive and my advice is now unwanted. I stand by and watch my beautiful adult children make poor choices and deal with painful consequences and there is NOTHING I can do about it. We talk maybe every week....sometimes every other week or so....and the separation is physically painful. Two rather large chunks of my heart have been ripped from my body....and they are walking around out in the world, very separate from me. I have phantom pains...I miss them like I would miss an amputated arm or leg. I look at old pictures and remember the happy times....and the not so happy times. I remember how never-ending ever-endless problem seemed, but yet in retrospect.....how quickly the years flew by!!! Now, I'm no longer a Mommy......I'm still a mother.....but only in the sense that I gave birth to them and raised them and set them free....but I'm not their Mommy any more. They are much too old to need a Mommy now. And that makes me feel sad, purposeless, and lonely.
My husband is the bedrock of my life....my safe-place; my home is in his arms. He loves me - despite knowing me better than anyone else in the world. And that fact amazes me. He knows the good, the bad, the ugly (and there is a LOT of ugly these days) and he still loves me. He still holds me tight, he still kisses me, he still tells me he loves me, and he shows me in a thousand ways every day. He surprises me with trips, with presents, with special events, with laughter, and with thoughtfulness. My biggest fear is that he will think I am taking him for granted. I love him with all of my being and don't want to disappoint him......and the woman looking back at me in the mirror fairly reeks of disappointment. I don't want him to see her....I want him to see the real ME....but I seem to have lost her again.
I'm searching.....making some changes..........this week, I am leaving a job that crushed my spirit, I am searching for a church, I am reaching out to my adult children......and I am loving my husband. Along the way, my biggest wish, my greatest hope....is that I begin to recognize the woman in the mirror again. That I can find my way back to who I think I should be.
