Well, it's time to review 2013 and look forward to a new year: 2014!! Let's see how I did on all the things I wanted to accomplish this year before I set my goals for 2014!!
I started off January 2013 by seeing Alyssa back off to Japan after her holiday visit (first time home in over 3 years!), crying all the way home from the airport. Steve quickly planned a little get-a-way for us in Atlanta, so that I would have something to look forward to. He went to a public speaking class during the days and I went shopping at Lennox Square and met up with some long-lost friends from high school and even took Marta into town and walked around for miles on my own, visiting the Atlanta Botanical Gardens.
February brought Sophie's 2nd birthday and we celebrated that with new chew-toys and a giant bone and lots of tummy rubs and we celebrated our 27th Wedding Anniversary on Valentine's Day with a quiet dinner that I cooked for Steve at home - a fancy dinner complete with a chocolate lava-cake for dessert!
March came in like a lion with a 2 inch snow on 3-2-13!! The weather started warming up after that and we bundled up and took a motorcycle ride along the Natchez Trail and toted along a picnic that we enjoyed beside a babbling brook. After we ate our picnic lunch, we skipped stones across the water and did a little hiking.
April brought spring-time and the world started to green-up again. I really enjoyed the cherry blossoms this year! I planted my garden in the keyhole style in the back yard (we aren't allowed to have a traditional "garden" in our neighborhood - so I had to make it look "decorative"). Jaron got his new job at Hooters as an assistant manager. We had a cookout for my work friends and it was a big success! We grilled hotdogs with all the fixins! I took a painting class with my friends and we painted pears! Mine actually ended up looking like pears and we hung it in the hallway by the kitchen!
In May, my promotion to Executive Director of the Franklin Office of Guardian Home Care became official and I flew out to Dallas for a week of training and came back to the office ready to try to make an impact. At the end of the month, we took our long awaited trip to New England! We flew into Boston and then drove up the coast of Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine to Portland. We stayed at an old Victorian Bed and Breakfast and enjoyed exploring the coastline, the lighthouses, and eating lots of fresh Maine Lobster! I also tried clams and found them to be DELICIOUS!! We spent a day in Boston, visited Salem, Mass (home of the 1600's Witch Trials), explored Portland on foot, and visited the LL Bean flagship store. It was a very lovely trip!
In July, we celebrated Jaron's 22nd birthday with a birthday shrimp boil here at the house.....followed by a weekend trip to Hanabi for sushi (his favorite place). Then came July 4th and I kept my Mamaw's family tradition alive: chocolate cake and lemonade. We took a trip to Lebanon to the drive-in movies! Which turned out to be a bust due to bugs, rednecks, and a thunderstorm. Steve's birthday was celebrated with a nice dinner out.
The first week of August heralded my birthday....and we celebrated by going to a local farm to do some hiking. Steve bought me a beautiful strand of pearls (since I had broken mine earlier this year and was heart-broken over it). Pearls are my all-time favorite jewelry...I just think they are classic and never go out of style. My friends at work celebrated my special day with a dozen Gigi Cupcakes! They made me feel like a princess! Later in the month, we went to another painting class and ATTEMPTED to paint the Nashville Skyline as Van Gogh's Starry Night. My batman building turned out a bit wonky, but we laughed and laughed and had a very good girl's night out!
September slowly brought in a little cooler weather and I was able to harvest and preserve some of my garden bounty. I ended up with about 200 green peppers!! I diced them and flash-froze them and they turned out perfectly! I put up 10 bags of fresh pumpkin in the freezer for pies and other recipes! And I made fig preserves from figs that we picked from my Papaw's fig tree. I also planted 7 fig trees by cutting off branches from his tree and rooting them in dirt. I called them my "fig-sticks!" We got all dressed up one evening and met my friends Kim and Angie at the Nashville Tippler - which was a Speakeasy joint! The food was some of the best I've ever eaten and we had so much fun!
By the time October rolled around, fall was finally in full swing! We took a trip to Helen, Georgia! Just like we used to every year! We were a bit disappointed that the leaves weren't fully in color yet....but that was the only thing disappointing! We visited and toured the Yohna Mountain Winery, which was lovely! We visited a covered bridge, old-timey stores, walked the streets of Helen and had some wonderful BBQ while listening to Johnny Cash! It was the perfect weekend get-away! For Boss's Day, my crew surprised me with a breakfast and a gift card for Massage Envy and flowers and a nice card. I have never felt so loved and honored! On Halloween, we were invited to a Halloween party, where we dressed up like Zombies. Steve did the eyeball trick with an added "zipper flesh" for the extra yuck-gore factor. We had a blast doing the make-up. I went as Little Dead Riding Hood - wearing a red cape and some zombie makeup on my face. We actually left the party early and got kicked out of the Mall in Cool Springs! It was hilarious!
In November, we had an official "funeral" for Cerner, our old soft-ware system that we hated. It was just an excuse for a party. We also went painting again - this time we painted Christmas trees in the snow. Mine turned out....well, it was kindda like trees in snow and more like a hot mess! But we had fun creating! The best part of November was our 10 day cruise!!! We visited Princess Cays in the Bahamas, St. Thomas, Aruba, Grenada, Dominica, and Bon Aire! I visited Meghan's Bay in St. Thomas and Blackbeard's Castle! In Dominica we went river-tubing in the rain forest! In Grenada, we took a tour of a spice plantation and got to visit a Nutmeg processing plantation! We met some amazing folks and formed friendships that I hope last a lifetime! It was one wonderful trip! We got back the day after Thanksgiving and celebrated my Mom's birthday!
This brings us to December.....which seems to have flown by in a whirlwind!! Steve had to travel out of town much of the first part of the month - so it was a bit lonely. I did manage to get up the Christmas decorations, plan our office Christmas party and bake 4 cheesecakes! I got all of the Christmas shopping done between the end of our cruise and Christmas day.....which was no easy feat. Steve breaks out in hives at the mention of visiting a retail establishment in the month of December, as he hates the crowds....so I mostly had to sneak in shopping time while he was out of town or busy with other things. We celebrated Christmas Eve by attending the candlelight communion service at World Outreach Church and then Jaron came over to spend the night with us! We enjoyed a 2 hour Skype session with Alyssa as an intact family unit and it did my heart a world of good! We loaded up in the car Christmas morning and drove to Fort Oglethorpe to spend Christmas Day with family. We had lunch with my Mom, Sister and the girls and then drove down to Dalton to see Steve's Uncle John, Aunt Betty and their family. It is always good to spend time with family!!
It's been an amazing year!! I have been blessed with so many, many experiences!!!! I can't wait to see what 2014 brings my way!
Now to review the goals I set the last week of December 2012......the hopes, plans, and dreams I had for 2013!
1. I want to continue our weekend trips, exploring the local areas and finding cool places to visit!! This one, we did! Almost every weekend, we tried to find a new place to visit, a new place to hike, or a new place to eat! This is one of the goals I want to continue in 2014!!!
2. I want to continue to exercise and be physically active! I really DO feel better when I exercise regularly and it's now become a habit!! Yay!!! I achieved this one too! Walking, elliptical.....I do feel better being more active! Will continue this goal into 2014 as well!
3. I want to learn to take better pictures....hone my photography skills! I want to learn to do creative pictures and maybe even frame a few shots for my office. Well, I certainly took a few hundred thousand pictures this year! I didn't frame any of them (yet!) but I did have about 200 of them printed and I'm working on a travel scrapbook! :) Will also continue this goal into 2014!
4. I want to decorate my office at work. It's a disorganized messy mess right now. I think I could be much more productive and positive at work if my environment was neat and pretty!! Well, I'd say this one was about 50% met?? Better than it was, but still a long way to go! :) I have some ideas, I just need to execute! This one will carry over as well.
5. I want to dress more professionally....and less frumpily. I have a few new things in my closet now that actually fit me...I just need to learn how to put things together to look less "Aunt Bea" and more pulled-together. I did try a few new fashions this year! Not sure I achieved any less frumpiness, but I was comfortable with my choices and felt better about how I looked.
6. I want to celebrate. EVERYTHING! Big things, little things....all things. I am so blessed...I need to exude more of an attitude of gratitude!!! Be more mindful of the blessings, and complain much less. I have tried my best to be more mindful of the blessings and be more thankful. It certainly helps with my frame of mind! I will continue this goal as well.
7. I want to take some more painting classes...maybe some writing classes? Pottery classes? I just want to flex some creative muscle and learn!!! I did take 3 painting classes and an online writing class, an online photography class and a wine appreciation class! We took a glass blowing class too! This is another goal I want to continue! The more I learn, the more interesting my life becomes!
8. I want to make use of my new craft-room and be crafty!! I did make use of my craft room more...but still not as much as I had hoped. Will carry this one over.
9. Trips for the year? This year, we are planning a trip up the New England coast to see as many light-houses as possible....and perhaps in the fall....a trip out to Nevada to the Grand Canyon and to Las Vegas. I made it to the airport in Vegas this year...but was only passing through. I don't care one bit about gambling....totally not my thing...but I do want to see the magnificent hotels and sights in Vegas! We were thinking about a trip to Europe this year....but maybe not....maybe we will see more the the US and tackle Europe next year. Well, we made it to New England and the lighthouses (and it was more amazing than I had dreamed!) We didn't make it to Vegas or the Grand Canyon.....but we did take a cruise to the Southern Caribbean where I visited 6 countries I'd never been to before and I did several things I would have never dreamed of doing.....like river-tubing in the rain forest and touring a spice plantation! The Trip goal will continue! I want to see the WORLD!!!!
10. I want to continue motorcycle trips with Steve...SO much fun!!! Oh yeah! When the weather is nice, we try to take at least one ride a week........the world just looks different from the back of that motorcycle! I enjoy riding through the countryside so very, very much!
11. I want to become an encourager.....to reach out to at least one person per month who is struggling and lighten their load....either spiritually, emotionally or physically. I have made a very strong effort to be more encouraging.....extending mercy and offering support. I am not where I should be, but I'm on my way!
12. I want to learn to take time for myself without feeling guilty. Maybe set aside one night a week to do something I enjoy instead of working: a bubble bath, coloring in my coloring books, snuggling with my puppy, watching a show with my husband....the activity doesn't matter....the fact that I just take some time off and DO it and not feel guilty for doing it is the important thing. I have done more of this....to a degree. There have been some bubble baths, some coloring, lots of reading, some art work, some creative cooking.....it's still something that requires more work on my part.
13. I want to learn how to effectively parent my adult children. It's hard being hands-off and so far away from them. The last 25 years of my life I've spent focusing on being their Mommy. Now I need to learn to step back and let them be their own selves...even when I don't agree with their life-choices, their circumstances or values. My prayer is (as it has been the last 25 years)....."Lord, Just let them know how much I dearly love them...even when I don't get it right." Well, this has been a very interesting journey this year....full of twists and turns- more than I can publicly share. Did I manage it? Well, they are still speaking to me....which is something, I suppose. I still struggle in this area.
14. I want to write more. I have good intentions....but not so good follow-through. And writing is SUCH good therapy!!! I definitely need to write more. I just don't take the time.
15. I want to go horseback riding! I've lost 94 pounds so far....so it won't be as unfair to the horse now...maybe in the spring time? I still haven't managed to go horseback riding! It will have to be a carry-over to next year.
16. I want to enjoy antiquing with my husband. I just love browsing around, looking at vintage and old things. There's just a certain charm about items with a history that intrigues me! We did this! Bell Buckle, Nolensville, etc......such a joy!
17. I still want to go to a drive-in movie. Didn't get to mark that off my list last year, so it's a carry-over! Did it!! It wasn't all it was cracked up to be.....it's a lot more romantic in theory than in reality. We witnessed a fight between folks in the car line waiting to get in, there were mosquitoes as big as my head, and then a thunderstorm blew up and we had to put the top up and all the windows fogged up..making it hard to even see the screen. All in all, I'd rather watch movies in the comfort of my own home! But we did go...and what an adventure it was!! :)
18. I want to go on picnics!!! We did!!! Along the Natchez Trace!
19. I want to visit an amusement park....and be more adventurous than I have been about riding the rides. I've always been a scardey-cat. I'm tired of being afraid of everything! Didn't have the opportunity to visit an amusement park this year; we went to one in Old Orchard Beach in Maine, but it was closed. ....maybe next year?
20. I want to have a systemic way of keeping my house cleaner and clutter-free. Hmmmm. Organization is not my strong point. I need to research a way to stay on top of it and not let it become overwhelming. I did better than before, but my life gets in the way of my neatness most of the time. I tend to be messy.
21. I want to become a more "giving" person. In so many ways, I'm selfish and I need to learn that there's more joy in giving then in keeping. I have done this! I do find more joy in giving! Especially when nothing is expected in return. Does my heart good!
22. I want to grow a kitchen garden for REAL this year. Last year, I had a good start, but got lazy with it. I really, really want to grow my own vegetables and herbs. DID IT!!! My garden was SPECTACULAR this year!! I had a bumper crop of tomatoes, okra, peppers, onions, herbs and flowers!!! I really enjoyed it too! :)
23. I want to make my own soap. I just love hand-made soaps!! I have some of my own herbs I've grown.....and I want to try my hand at making my own soap!! :) I actually forgot about this goal! I still would love to explore making soap! Maybe next year! :)
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Home Health Turkey
As I was driving up the rutted dirt driveway, I couldn't help but grin. It was a gorgeous crisp fall morning early enough that the frost was just begining to melt away and the trees were covered in red and orange leaves so vibrant they seems to be on fire. A faint whiff of a spicy smokey scent permeated the air letting me know that someone had been burning leaves in the distance. I was a home health nurse making my visits to patients for their daily nursing care.
My first destination was a trailer was about a mile up in the woods at the foot of the mountain on a narrow and winding dirt and gravel road. It hadn't rained in weeks, and the dust rose in billowing clouds around my truck tires. As the trailer came into sight, my first impression was that someone had discarded a old tincan on it's side and left it to rust. The trailer had to be at least 25 years old and sagged in the middle like a sway-backed sow. There was a rusted out old jeep with no wheels and a busted out windshield propped up on crumbling cinder blocks. The trailer sat about 3 feet off the ground with only jagged remnants of underpinning left, but there was no porch and no steps leading to the front door. The entry consisted of old half rotted 2 X 4's propped onto concrete blocks to form sort of a make-shift wheelchair ramp.
I knocked on the delapidated door that was dirty with years and years of being slammed on rusted hinges and heard a feeble, "Honey, come on in here!" As I pulled open the door, a gust of stale air thick with the odor of kerosene and rancid bacon grease mixed with the smell of rubbing linament assaulted my senses and stung my eyes.
My patient was sitting in a wheelchair wearing an old cotton "duster" stained with fried egg yolk and crumbs from severeal meals. The wheelchair arms were missing upholstery exposing thick ripped yellow padding. She was watching "The Price is Right" and Bob Barker was getting ready to host the Showcase Showdown.
I noticed right away that both legs had been amputated..the right one below the knee and the left one above. The right stump was covered with a white gauze bandage with bloody yellow drainage seeping through the layers on the end where the wound just refused to heal. Her body has been ravanged by diabetes and had been whittled away bit by bit....first a toe, then another toe, then a foot, then below the knee, then above the knee....her body dying slowly inch by inch. Her blood sugars were sky high as she just couldn't really understand the concept that Little Debbies and Brown Cow icecream were killing her.
We laughed and joked and offered our best bids on the Showcase Showdown while I changed her dressings, carefully forming a perfect figure 8 dressing around that stump. We got along well; despite her lack of teeth and obvious lack of formal education, she was a gentle and caring woman. As I was packing up my supplies and getting ready to leave her home, she put her hand on my arm and warned, "Now watch out fer Ole Tom when you go out to yer car."
"Tom?" I asked. "Is Tom your dog?" Mean dogs are the bane of mailmen and visiting nurses.
"Oh Law no, child. He's my Tom Turkey!' she beamed.
I sighed, somewhat releived that I wasn't facing a mean slobbering Doberman or Rotweiler, only a turkey. How bad could THAT be, afterall? It's only a bird. I waved good bye and pulled the door shut behind me, stepping out onto the wobbley planks heading down the ramp to solid ground. When I turned from the door to watch my footing, I found myself face to face with Ole Tom.
Ole Tom was strutting toward the foot of the ramp with his red floppy waddle jiggling obscenely back and forth. I never knew turkeys were so large! and SO UGLY! and threatening. His beak looked razor sharp and his beady eyes rolled around in his scrawny tough wrinkled head like a mad man with a glass eye. His claws were thick and dark yellow and surprisingly sharp, like taradactyl talons from a prehistoric horror flick. He was daring me to step off that ramp onto the ground.
We faced off for severeal minutes. Every time I tried to move, he moved too. I was terrified. Now, I had worked in home health for years and years in the inner city and had always carried mace but never used it. I kept it on my keychain...just in case. I slowly slid my hand into my lab coat pocket and wrapped my fingers around the small cylinder. I gathered up all my courage rushed down the planks right for the turkey and aimed straight for the turkey's face and sprayed and then without looking back, I took off running for my truck as if the hounds of hell were on my heels. I made it to my truck, slid into the seat and slammed the door before I had enough gumption to look for the turkey.
I had never seen such a sight in my entire life as that angry-maced turkey. He kept spinning in circles, rubbing his head on the ground, stomping his death talons, flapping his wings and squalking an awful sound with unrestrained poultry rage. Not wanting to wait around for revenge when he recovered, I slammed the gears into reverse and roared down that dirt road in a could of dust.
This happened about a month before Thanksgiving that year....and that year.....I opted to go vegetarian for my Thanksgiving meal.
Nursing On The Porch
The rain was coming down in sheets and visibility was poor as my car coasted down a narrow street lined with tar paper houses with sagging porches. It was midmorning on a Saturday...a dark and thunderous day with humidity so thick that my skin was wet before the rain even hit it. I checked the house number on my referral sheet and sure enough- the most dilapidated house on the block was my intended destination. I grabbed my notebook and nursing bag and decided to make a run for the front porch in the driving rain. I slung open the car door and stepped out into the sticky rust-colored mud, The yard consisted of a few stubborn tufts of weeds and a thick red clay mud. Near the road there was a set of tractor tires that had been spray-painted white some measure of years ago and turned up on the side to form make-shift planters where brown weeds had long since died. My white shoes squished and stuck in the mud and I stepped out of one shoe.....and my white sock was immediately full of the rain-soaked mud. I managed to slide my shoe back on only to notice that my white nursing pants were splattered in red clay as well, and the damage was more wide-spread with every step. I reached the steps of the porch, a little started by the enterege of 3 mange afflicted half-bald skinny dogs who stopped scratching their open sores long enough to check me out. I could almost literally hear the yelps of the fleas as they abandoned the emaciated dogs in favor of my juicy ankles. If the dogs were unsettling, I certainly wasn't prepared for the next sight. There was an old couch sitting to the left of the front door, lacking ulpholstrey with exposed springs where the foam was completely worn away. it smelled worse than the poor wet dogs. Perched on the end of this filthy furniture was my patient. He was tall and painfully thin and blind in one eye. His right eye was a milky white, completely devoid of all color and it rolled around his eye socket like a marble in a pinball machine. He wore overalls and a ripped and dirty long-sleeved flannel shirt and on his feet he wore canvas tennis shoes that might have once been white.... with the toes of the shoes cut out so his own toes could curl over the ends of the shoes and scrape the floor when he walked. Everything he wore was filthy and damp. As I walked across the sagging porch, I reached out my hand to shake his and introduce myself. His first words to me were a bit too loud and cheery, "HI! WELCOME TO THE CRAZY HOUSE!" He proceeded to tell me that the house belonged to his daughter, who had kicked him out of the house because she thought his "shit bag smelt too bad." I was amused that she was able to pinpoint the source of the odor.....just judging from the glimpse of garbage strewn interior of the house I had seen through the screen door. I was dripping wet from the downpour, had a muddy sock and shoe, my white pants were likely ruined and the fleas were biting every area of exposed skin. The dogs would periodically jump on me with muddy paws, seeing if I had a morsel of food for them and I was almost overcome with the rank odors of the wet and moldy couch, the wet dogs and the unwashed man. I knocked on the front door, such as it was: a ripped screened door sagging on rusted hinges. I thought that perhaps I could reason with a family member and at least gain access to the bathroom to change the man's colostomy bag and wafer and to wash my hands. An elderly woman with no teeth and an oddly flat face with wide-set eyes and low set ears wearing a thin threadbare calico cotton dress with the pockets torn off came to the door and demanded, "What you want?" I presented my case in a professional manner, mentioning that I really needed access to running water to perform my duties. she said, "NO! He ain't a comin' back in here. That shit-bag stinks!" and with that, she slammed the door in my face. In a state of shock, I realized that I would have to regroup and it became apparent that I was going to have to complete the visit on the porch, making do with what I had. Oddly, the man did not mind the fact that the was disrobing on the porch. The overalls were dropped around his ankles and his shirt was off before I realized and could try to protect his "modesty" He was not wearing any underwear. He was indeed filthy. The most alarming site was the amount of stool dripping from the end of the colostomy bag. The bag was puckered and the end was open and wadded up with a rubber band loosely wrapped around the end, but not effectively. The man said, "Oh, that thing don't work too good. I lost a piece off it and tried to fix it with that rubber band. I guess that's what's a making it stink so bad." So bad indeed. I cleaned him off as best I could with dry gauze 4 X 4 squares and some waterless antiseptic gel hand cleaner. It seems a losing battle. After what seemed like hours, he was clean enough for a new bag WITH a clip. He had no clean clothes and the insides of the clothes he was wearing were covered in dry stool, but he pulled them right back up with out a second thought. He asked me for money, which I didn't have to give him. I did have a pack of cheese crackers and an apple in my car...which he consumed eagerly. He had slept on the couch the night before and had not eaten. He told me that he had $16 left from his social security check and that he could always sell his pain pills and get about $4 for each pill, which should feed him for the next week or so. He told me that he planned to go stay with his son who lived across town as soon as it stopped raining. I left him sitting on the porch, eating the apple and kicking dogs away. He smiled and thanked me profusely, as if I had given him a million dollars. I climbed into my car, trying not to touch anything I didn't have to touch, and headed straight home for a hot shower and clean clothes and a call to our social worker. Just another day of home health nursing.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
I love weekends!
I love the weekends!
I especially love not having to set the alarm clock and drag my unwilling carcass of a self out of bed. I love lazy mornings with no where to be.....I love waking up with the sun shining in my eyes through my window and I love laying in bed with my eyes half-open just watching the dust motes dance along the sunbeams. I love not having to jump out of my warm, cozy bed....but being able to schooch over to my man and snuggle up with him all sweet and sleepy.....and our puppy usually joins the mix....rooting around until she earns a snuggle too. Lots of sweet and loving conversations during our snuggle time....and usually some giggles too.
I love padding to the kitchen in my pajamas and sock-feet to grind the coffee......not just the single cup I make on work-mornings.....but a decadent whole pot! I love the smell of the fragrant, rich coffee brewing...it fills my entire house with such a wonderful aroma! I love making breakfast on Saturday mornings....no cold bowls of cereal for us when we're home and nesting!! I usually make biscuits, bacon or sausage....gravy, sometimes pancakes...sometimes hashbrowns. This morning, I made vanilla chai scones.......and OOOH! the way they smelled when they were baking knocked my socks off!!! I love being able to cook for my husband! Few things make me happier than seeing him enjoy something I've made for him.
I love sitting on the couch and leisurely sipping my coffee in my pajamas....usually with a soft, fuzzy throw or quilt thrown over my lap. We will watch some mindless TV....cartoons are my favorite....but sometimes we watch educational shows too.....Steve's especially fond of the History Channel. This morning, we followed along with the rise and fall of the Roman Empire while I savored my steaming mug of coffee (and Steve had his steaming mug of Irish Breakfast Tea). Sophie snuggled beside me.... and during the commercials, I was able to check my email and browse recipes on pinterest on my iPad.
This morning, we decided to go for a motorcycle ride......the temp was 34 degrees when we woke up at 7:30am...and there was a cool mist clinging low to the ground. I'm not sure if we had our first frost....I didn't see any on the grass.....but it was a cool, crisp morning. By the time we enjoyed our breakfast and coffee in our pajamas, it had warmed up to 60 sunny degrees and the sunlight was that beautiful golden color that it turns only in the Autumn of the year. The sky was a clear, deep turquoise blue and the trees are just beginning to show the first blush of autumn orange and yellow....but they are still mostly green. We suited and booted up and rode along through the countryside, seeing the world filtered through that golden sunlight.
I know I've said it a thousand times before....but I honestly LOVE living in this part of the country. There are so many, many places I haven't yet seen....but of all the places I have seen...this is definitely one of my all time favorites. I love riding along the backroads, seeing farms stitched together with fence posts and I love seeing the cattle and horses romping and playing in the fields. I love seeing the big bales of hay and smelling the slightly sweet, grassy smell of dried straw. I love it when the air on my face is cool and refreshing and even when my hands got cold, I was able to put them between me and Steve and they were warm and toasty in no time. I love riding on the motorcycle with him because I get to hold onto him the entire time. It's a lot more intimate than riding in a car.
I love watching the leaves dance on the breeze.....there aren't many leaves falling yet....just a few. Give it a few weeks and there will be piles and piles of beautiful, crunch leaves everywhere....but for now, there are only a few early bloomers to give us a hint of things to come. We drove by a stream and the sunlight was twinkling on the surface of the water......the sunshine was dappled on the mossy green banks, sheltered by the tall trees, standing sentry along the water's edge where their deep roots can be nourished. Mossy rocks break the flow and contribute to the musical sound of running water.
My eye searches out the old barns in this area.....the more weathered, greyed and leaning, the more charming to me! I love seeing hay stacked in the lofts, seeing animals wandering in and out and seeing trusty old tractors sitting, ready for plowing, planting and harvesting. I don't know what it is about barns, but they stir a sense of comfort and safety in my heart. I think of warmness, safety and hay....and inevitably, manger-scenes. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm so drawn to them....our Savior was actually born in a barn! Ha! Never made that connection before! But it makes me smile!
There are also lots of silos around here...usually near the barns. Of course, I've never seen inside one, but I like to imagine them filled to the top with fresh, golden grains.....ready to feed the horses and cows and ready to be ground into flour and meal and cooked into cornbread that is carried into the dining rooms to round out big country dinners!
I also love to see big, old stately trees.....and I like to imagine how long they've been standing there...what all they've seen over the years....what birds have nested in their branches, what deer and livestock have sought shade underneath......maybe a little rowdy boy climbed up in his cowboy boots to scout out the pretend badguys! Maybe a little girl swinging from a rope swing on a low-hanging branch with her dolly on her lap and her little patent leather shoes and white shocks gleaming as she pumped her little legs to swing higher. I see all of this in my mind as we drive by.......
One of the sillier things I enjoy seeing is a field full of goats. Goats crack me up!! They are so comical and they tend to be very into frolicking. (Anything that frolics steals my heart!) They kick up their heels and run on a whim! They look like unlikely beatnik poets with their pointy goatee beards and the baby goats (kids, I suppose they are called) are just so stinking cute!! Every time I see a group of goats, it makes me smile.
I love seeing deer when we are out and about too. I didn't see any today when we rode, because it was near noon and the deer are much more likely to be active nearer to dawn and dusk. Every time I see deer in a field.....it reminds me of God's provision. I know it sounds insane, but it's like a sweet little whisper from God, reminding me, "See, I take care of the deer in the field....they have everything they need ...how much more do I care for my children that I made in my own image?" It's like a little secret thing between me and God.....and every time I see them, it makes me feel blessed and I whisper back a little prayer of thanksgiving for my daily provision and abundant blessings.
Today, we saw lots of fields of dry corn stalks.....a lovely autumn sight! And today I saw a field full of pumpkins on the vine! Big, happy, fat, orange pumpkins!! I wonder if the owners of that farm sit out in their pumpkin patch on Halloween, waiting for Linus's Great Pumpkin!? We passed house after house all decked out with haybales, scarecrows, pumpkins, gourds, rakes, bright orange/red/yellow wreaths and pot after pot of mums. Houses with stacks and stacks of firewood, getting ready for the winter months. Some of the houses had fires going today with puffs of fragrant, grey smoke merrily wafting from the chimneys and it made the air thick with that spicy, smoky scent of burning wood that's so enticing this time of year.
It was such a lovely day. We came home and had a picnic of honey-ham with smoked mozzarella sandwiches in the living room and then I took a lazy nap on the couch! We have plans this evening to go out with some friends to a jazz festival and silent auction. I'm excited, as we don't tend to go out socially very much! I always enjoy going out though! I have on make-up and a dress, even!
I guess what I love about the weekends is the lack of obligation.....the lack of schedules and rules and timelines. I love being lazy, I love going for rides and walks and just being with my loved ones and having the time to snuggle, really talk and listen and to plan and dream. I love the chance to rest and not have to solve any problems or make any decisions....there is a lack of responsibility on the weekends that's so appealing!! Thank goodness for days of rest!!! :)
I especially love not having to set the alarm clock and drag my unwilling carcass of a self out of bed. I love lazy mornings with no where to be.....I love waking up with the sun shining in my eyes through my window and I love laying in bed with my eyes half-open just watching the dust motes dance along the sunbeams. I love not having to jump out of my warm, cozy bed....but being able to schooch over to my man and snuggle up with him all sweet and sleepy.....and our puppy usually joins the mix....rooting around until she earns a snuggle too. Lots of sweet and loving conversations during our snuggle time....and usually some giggles too.
I love padding to the kitchen in my pajamas and sock-feet to grind the coffee......not just the single cup I make on work-mornings.....but a decadent whole pot! I love the smell of the fragrant, rich coffee brewing...it fills my entire house with such a wonderful aroma! I love making breakfast on Saturday mornings....no cold bowls of cereal for us when we're home and nesting!! I usually make biscuits, bacon or sausage....gravy, sometimes pancakes...sometimes hashbrowns. This morning, I made vanilla chai scones.......and OOOH! the way they smelled when they were baking knocked my socks off!!! I love being able to cook for my husband! Few things make me happier than seeing him enjoy something I've made for him.
I love sitting on the couch and leisurely sipping my coffee in my pajamas....usually with a soft, fuzzy throw or quilt thrown over my lap. We will watch some mindless TV....cartoons are my favorite....but sometimes we watch educational shows too.....Steve's especially fond of the History Channel. This morning, we followed along with the rise and fall of the Roman Empire while I savored my steaming mug of coffee (and Steve had his steaming mug of Irish Breakfast Tea). Sophie snuggled beside me.... and during the commercials, I was able to check my email and browse recipes on pinterest on my iPad.
This morning, we decided to go for a motorcycle ride......the temp was 34 degrees when we woke up at 7:30am...and there was a cool mist clinging low to the ground. I'm not sure if we had our first frost....I didn't see any on the grass.....but it was a cool, crisp morning. By the time we enjoyed our breakfast and coffee in our pajamas, it had warmed up to 60 sunny degrees and the sunlight was that beautiful golden color that it turns only in the Autumn of the year. The sky was a clear, deep turquoise blue and the trees are just beginning to show the first blush of autumn orange and yellow....but they are still mostly green. We suited and booted up and rode along through the countryside, seeing the world filtered through that golden sunlight.
I know I've said it a thousand times before....but I honestly LOVE living in this part of the country. There are so many, many places I haven't yet seen....but of all the places I have seen...this is definitely one of my all time favorites. I love riding along the backroads, seeing farms stitched together with fence posts and I love seeing the cattle and horses romping and playing in the fields. I love seeing the big bales of hay and smelling the slightly sweet, grassy smell of dried straw. I love it when the air on my face is cool and refreshing and even when my hands got cold, I was able to put them between me and Steve and they were warm and toasty in no time. I love riding on the motorcycle with him because I get to hold onto him the entire time. It's a lot more intimate than riding in a car.
I love watching the leaves dance on the breeze.....there aren't many leaves falling yet....just a few. Give it a few weeks and there will be piles and piles of beautiful, crunch leaves everywhere....but for now, there are only a few early bloomers to give us a hint of things to come. We drove by a stream and the sunlight was twinkling on the surface of the water......the sunshine was dappled on the mossy green banks, sheltered by the tall trees, standing sentry along the water's edge where their deep roots can be nourished. Mossy rocks break the flow and contribute to the musical sound of running water.
My eye searches out the old barns in this area.....the more weathered, greyed and leaning, the more charming to me! I love seeing hay stacked in the lofts, seeing animals wandering in and out and seeing trusty old tractors sitting, ready for plowing, planting and harvesting. I don't know what it is about barns, but they stir a sense of comfort and safety in my heart. I think of warmness, safety and hay....and inevitably, manger-scenes. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm so drawn to them....our Savior was actually born in a barn! Ha! Never made that connection before! But it makes me smile!
There are also lots of silos around here...usually near the barns. Of course, I've never seen inside one, but I like to imagine them filled to the top with fresh, golden grains.....ready to feed the horses and cows and ready to be ground into flour and meal and cooked into cornbread that is carried into the dining rooms to round out big country dinners!
I also love to see big, old stately trees.....and I like to imagine how long they've been standing there...what all they've seen over the years....what birds have nested in their branches, what deer and livestock have sought shade underneath......maybe a little rowdy boy climbed up in his cowboy boots to scout out the pretend badguys! Maybe a little girl swinging from a rope swing on a low-hanging branch with her dolly on her lap and her little patent leather shoes and white shocks gleaming as she pumped her little legs to swing higher. I see all of this in my mind as we drive by.......
One of the sillier things I enjoy seeing is a field full of goats. Goats crack me up!! They are so comical and they tend to be very into frolicking. (Anything that frolics steals my heart!) They kick up their heels and run on a whim! They look like unlikely beatnik poets with their pointy goatee beards and the baby goats (kids, I suppose they are called) are just so stinking cute!! Every time I see a group of goats, it makes me smile.
I love seeing deer when we are out and about too. I didn't see any today when we rode, because it was near noon and the deer are much more likely to be active nearer to dawn and dusk. Every time I see deer in a field.....it reminds me of God's provision. I know it sounds insane, but it's like a sweet little whisper from God, reminding me, "See, I take care of the deer in the field....they have everything they need ...how much more do I care for my children that I made in my own image?" It's like a little secret thing between me and God.....and every time I see them, it makes me feel blessed and I whisper back a little prayer of thanksgiving for my daily provision and abundant blessings.
Today, we saw lots of fields of dry corn stalks.....a lovely autumn sight! And today I saw a field full of pumpkins on the vine! Big, happy, fat, orange pumpkins!! I wonder if the owners of that farm sit out in their pumpkin patch on Halloween, waiting for Linus's Great Pumpkin!? We passed house after house all decked out with haybales, scarecrows, pumpkins, gourds, rakes, bright orange/red/yellow wreaths and pot after pot of mums. Houses with stacks and stacks of firewood, getting ready for the winter months. Some of the houses had fires going today with puffs of fragrant, grey smoke merrily wafting from the chimneys and it made the air thick with that spicy, smoky scent of burning wood that's so enticing this time of year.
It was such a lovely day. We came home and had a picnic of honey-ham with smoked mozzarella sandwiches in the living room and then I took a lazy nap on the couch! We have plans this evening to go out with some friends to a jazz festival and silent auction. I'm excited, as we don't tend to go out socially very much! I always enjoy going out though! I have on make-up and a dress, even!
I guess what I love about the weekends is the lack of obligation.....the lack of schedules and rules and timelines. I love being lazy, I love going for rides and walks and just being with my loved ones and having the time to snuggle, really talk and listen and to plan and dream. I love the chance to rest and not have to solve any problems or make any decisions....there is a lack of responsibility on the weekends that's so appealing!! Thank goodness for days of rest!!! :)
Sunday, September 29, 2013
I'll fall in the fall.......you'll see, September can be heavenly!! If you fall, say you'll fall for me....when autumn leaves are falling from the trees!!!!
Oh, my goodness!!! It's THAT time of year again! Autumn! Fall!! The changing of the seasons always tends to make me more reflective......but the changing of the guard from summer to fall makes me melancholy. But not in a bad way...........in a mellow, taking stock of your life and measuring your blessings kind of way. Maybe it's because Thanksgiving is in the fall.....maybe it's just because the colors are so beautiful and the air is so crisp and refreshing after the draining summer heat......maybe it's the shortening of the hours of daylight and the promise of longer, cooler nights custom made for snuggling. I don't really know why.....but this is my all-time favorite time of the year.
I love spring....the symbolic renewing of life.......and summer with it's long, lazy days is fine. Winter is okay with crisp, frozen mornings and snowflakes.....but something about autumn makes my heart beat a little happier.
I anxiously await the turning of the leaves...celebrating the jewel tones of the falling leaves - painted by God's own hand. I love the smokey smell in the air, the spicy scent of pumpkin-flavored EVERYTHING. Nothing beats a steaming mug of coffee on a chilly, foggy fall morning! I love being able to wear my sweaters and jackets again and of course, I love pulling out the boots (NO more shaving those legs every few days!!) I love the way the leaves crunch under my feet when we go for a walk and I love the way the falling leaves twirl and spin on the wind as they waft from tree limb to ground. I love acorns and pine cones! I love jumping into piles of leaves! I love how my cheeks get pink on our evenings walks from the chilly air!
I love hayrides, bonfires, homecoming games, and Halloween candy! I love pumpkins, hay bales, scarecrows, rainbows of mums and pansies. I love back-to-school sales, trick-or-treating and costume parties! I love apple cider, picking apples, and apple pies. Harvest moons, corn-mazes, and the way sunlight turns a bright golden color in the late fall afternoons. I love how the humidity falls and you can clearly see the stars twinkling in the velvet black skies at night. I love building a fire in the fire place and cuddling up close while we stare into the flames and share our hearts.
I love going for hikes in the flame-colored woods and I love roasting marshmallows on sticks by a toasty fire. I love big bushel baskets of harvested vegetables and I love squash, gourds, Indian Corn and pumpkins!! I love candy corn and those candy-corn orange and green pumpkins!!! And I love cornucopias and silly Tom Turkeys and Pilgrims!! I love it when the whole world pauses and contemplates how thankful they are for their blessings!
I love foggy mornings, spooky midnights and the giant yellow harvest moon. I love hearing hoot-owls and I love the giant flocks of birds flying south for the winter! I put extra birdseed out so that my back yard can become a stop-over for the migrating birds!
I pretty much love everything about the fall. Now, pass me that Pumpkin Spice Latte!
What I see, looking back at me!?!
I wasted so many, many years of my life avoiding cameras and being so ashamed of how I looked that I would often say home, rather than present myself for public scrutiny. I felt so huge, so overweight, and so unattractive, that I waaaaaay overestimated the importance of how I look to other people. I was so miserable in my own shell that I couldn't imagine anyone else having a favorable reaction to the way I looked. Looking through photo albums of my family vacations and milestones like birthdays and holiday celebrations....there is one thing missing: ME. I was always the one behind the camera....for fear that if I allowed someone else to man the camera, my gargantuan features might accidentally be captured on film for the world to see and judge. If I didn't appear on film, then I remained invisible, right? Oh, such silly vanity!!!
I thought I was over that. It took drastic measures........having bariatric surgery and losing almost 100 pounds to face down the demons that had tormented me since.....oh, around the age of six.....when my well-meaning mother first put Slender and Figurine bars in my school lunch box because she told me that I was getting too fat.
In the last two years, I have been featured in more photographs than in the past 20 years combined. I thought I was past the shame, the misguided fears......the vanity....of not being photographed. And then, the other day, I was getting ready to go out with some friends and my husband for a nice dinner and I made an extra effort to dress nicely....I styled my hair and I put on make-up! The full-Monty make-up....eyeliner, eye-shadow, blush, foundation, concealer, and even lipstick. I felt pretty! I felt glamorous! Womanly. I looked in the mirror and I thought.....'NOT BAD!" So I clicked a selfie pic, thinking it would make a great profile picture for my FaceBook page....and then I looked at the evidence. And I was shocked. And not in a GOOD way.
The image in my mirror was a LIAR!!! I did NOT look pretty or glamorous. I looked OLD. I looked TIRED. Dark circles under my eyes.....lines around my eyes and mouth. My eyes were dull and not sparkling.....they were bloodshot. I went from 'Hello!' to 'Oh, NO!' in less than 60 seconds flat. And then I felt defeated and I no longer looked forward to a fun evening out. I wanted to stay home, change into my pajamas, wash my face, apply an entire bottle of Oil of Olay, eat a gallon of ice cream on the couch and watch re-runs of 1980's sitcoms. In other words....I wanted to have a giant, sad pity-party. Alone.
Thankfully, I had already RSVP'd to the event and other folks were going to be there waiting on us to arrive....so I had to buck it up and just accept that I am getting to be "of a certain age" and just go. I am so glad I did. I ended up having the best time I've had in ages and once I forgot to dwell on how pitiful I thought I looked, I relaxed and even went back to feeling slightly glamorous and pretty for a while. I was dressed nicely.....I was at a very nice restaurant....I had a good looking and attentive and loving escort (who, for some wacked-out reason, thinks I hung the moon and loves me BECAUSE (and not in spite of) the fact that I am me!). During the course of the evening, the camera phones came out and I allowed a picture of us to be taken.....and you know what? It was a GOOD picture!!! I made it my new profile picture! In the picture, I was feeling happy and loved and I was having a great time.....and you know what? It shows in the picture!!! Do I still look older? Well, yeah.....but it doesn't matter.
Maybe I'm finally moving past the vanity and pride and can accept that I am more than what I see in a picture or in the mirror. I am so blessed!!! I am loved! I have precious friends! I have a healthy and loving family! My life is amazing beyond my wildest dreams!!! This is what I need to see when I look at my reflection. But I still bought some "Overnight Miracle Recovery Cream" and "Under-eye Rejuvenating Cream" this weekend......you know.....just in case. ;)
I thought I was over that. It took drastic measures........having bariatric surgery and losing almost 100 pounds to face down the demons that had tormented me since.....oh, around the age of six.....when my well-meaning mother first put Slender and Figurine bars in my school lunch box because she told me that I was getting too fat.
In the last two years, I have been featured in more photographs than in the past 20 years combined. I thought I was past the shame, the misguided fears......the vanity....of not being photographed. And then, the other day, I was getting ready to go out with some friends and my husband for a nice dinner and I made an extra effort to dress nicely....I styled my hair and I put on make-up! The full-Monty make-up....eyeliner, eye-shadow, blush, foundation, concealer, and even lipstick. I felt pretty! I felt glamorous! Womanly. I looked in the mirror and I thought.....'NOT BAD!" So I clicked a selfie pic, thinking it would make a great profile picture for my FaceBook page....and then I looked at the evidence. And I was shocked. And not in a GOOD way.
The image in my mirror was a LIAR!!! I did NOT look pretty or glamorous. I looked OLD. I looked TIRED. Dark circles under my eyes.....lines around my eyes and mouth. My eyes were dull and not sparkling.....they were bloodshot. I went from 'Hello!' to 'Oh, NO!' in less than 60 seconds flat. And then I felt defeated and I no longer looked forward to a fun evening out. I wanted to stay home, change into my pajamas, wash my face, apply an entire bottle of Oil of Olay, eat a gallon of ice cream on the couch and watch re-runs of 1980's sitcoms. In other words....I wanted to have a giant, sad pity-party. Alone.
Thankfully, I had already RSVP'd to the event and other folks were going to be there waiting on us to arrive....so I had to buck it up and just accept that I am getting to be "of a certain age" and just go. I am so glad I did. I ended up having the best time I've had in ages and once I forgot to dwell on how pitiful I thought I looked, I relaxed and even went back to feeling slightly glamorous and pretty for a while. I was dressed nicely.....I was at a very nice restaurant....I had a good looking and attentive and loving escort (who, for some wacked-out reason, thinks I hung the moon and loves me BECAUSE (and not in spite of) the fact that I am me!). During the course of the evening, the camera phones came out and I allowed a picture of us to be taken.....and you know what? It was a GOOD picture!!! I made it my new profile picture! In the picture, I was feeling happy and loved and I was having a great time.....and you know what? It shows in the picture!!! Do I still look older? Well, yeah.....but it doesn't matter.
Maybe I'm finally moving past the vanity and pride and can accept that I am more than what I see in a picture or in the mirror. I am so blessed!!! I am loved! I have precious friends! I have a healthy and loving family! My life is amazing beyond my wildest dreams!!! This is what I need to see when I look at my reflection. But I still bought some "Overnight Miracle Recovery Cream" and "Under-eye Rejuvenating Cream" this weekend......you know.....just in case. ;)
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Character in a Can
siResist my Emotions
My emotions. What a minefield!! What are my most consistent emotions? Now that's a quandary.
I saw a pin on Pinterest the other day that cracked me up because it was so right on the mark about how I feel about myself most days. It said, "I have really low self-esteem, but I still think I'm better than other people." Ouch. I really do struggle with low self-esteem. There are days when every word that comes out of my mouth sounds so insipid and dumb that I just beg myself to stop talking. There are days when I feel clumsy and geeky and awkward and out of place. There are days when I feel ugly and unattractive and incompetent. But even on those worst of days........I still feel like I have to do everything myself because I can't trust anybody else will do it correctly. What a contradiction! Makes no sense!
I've had a life-long battle with depression. I took medicine for it for years. I've been med-free for about 4 years now and I'm managing. I actually think I'm doing a little bit better. I still have the occasional crying jag - and occasional down days, but then again - who doesn't??
Is loneliness an emotion? Because I do find that I am quite lonely these days. I miss having my kids at home. My husband travels a good bit and when he's gone and I'm home all alone, those are the hardest times for me. I tend to "go to the dark side" a lot faster and stay there a lot longer when left to my own devices. Even when my husband is at home, when he is involved in his own activities, like watching his scary movies or something else that I don't enjoy - I've had to come up with activities to keep me busy so that I don't get down in the dumps. I've recently taught myself to knit on a round loom and I've been trying my hand at some crafts and painting. I've been reading a lot and taking a ton of pictures. I spend time cooking and baking. If I keep my mind busy, it doesn't get as dark.
I also have times of just contentment. Is contentment an emotion? I think so.....like a quiet joy. All is well in my immediate world. I count my blessings and realize that I have so much...my husband, my home, my heath, my career, my friends.....blessings beyond my wildest imaginations. I feel loved and happy. Genuinely happy. Peaceful. Content.
I have times of overwhelming joy too. Like when we went hiking and I was able to hike for 2 1/2 hours over a steep and rocky trail. It was hard, but when we finished, I felt so happy! When we climbed Lombard Street in San Francisco, I felt the same way when I finally struggled and got to the top....victorious! Little personal victories. Sometimes, I feel the same way just looking at the wonders of God's creation- a foggy morning, mist over a field, birds flying over a pasture with fresh bales of hay, horses running with their manes flowing in the wind, the majesty of mountains, the gentle rolling green hills, the strength of an old, gnarled tree, sunrise, the ocean, seeing laundry fluttering in the breeze on a clothesline.....all of these things touch me deeply and make me feel joyous.
I feel afraid sometimes. Not very often - but sometimes. I am mostly afraid that someone I love will suffer. Sometimes, I'm afraid bad things will happen. Mostly, I'm afraid of the unknown. I feel afraid because there is evil in the world and I'm helpless to stop it.
Sometimes I feel competent - like I can accomplish whatever I set out to do.....and other times, I feel so completely the opposite....like everything I touch turns to ash.
I usually feel loving - and caring - and nice. But sometimes I don't. Sometimes, the thoughts I have are not very loving, caring or nice at all and I just feel mean and nasty. I don't like those days at all.
Sometimes, I just feel completely out of sorts - irritable, mean, nasty and all I want to do is be alone and feel miserable. Wallow in the misery.....sigh heavily and lament woefully. I want to be alone- maybe take a bubble bath and just go to bed early.
Sometimes, I feel outgoing and fun! I want to be with friends, go places, do things and laugh. I want to dance and shake my groove thang. (Okay, truthfully, I can't even REMEMBER the last time I shook anything.....especially not in public!!). But I feel like I WANT to from time to time.
I suppose my emotions are like a can of mixed nuts.........or kindda like Forrest Gump's Momma always said -they are "like a box of chocolates - ya never know what ya' gonna get." I guess it just depends on mood, circumstance, experiences and timing. Do I resist my emotions? Not so well. I try to put on my "poker face" from time to time......but I'm not sure how effective it is. I don't think we really SHOULD resist our emotions - that probably leads to deeper rooted problems. I think I even read somewhere that depression is just misdirected anger. Which is probably why I struggle with it so much. I have never done "angry" very well. 'Depression' I have down to a fine science....but 'angry' still mostly eludes me.
How we feel is how we feel, I suppose. It's neither good nor bad....it just IS. It's what we DO about how we feel that makes the difference. To quote the Borg, "Resistance is futile."
All I ever really wanted to be was a Mommy.
All I ever really wanted to be was a Mommy.
Looking back, some of the earliest memories I have are of playing with my baby dolls. I'd dress them up, wrap them up in blankets, tote them around on my hip, burp them, pretend to give them bottles, hug them, kiss them, tell them stories and love their plastic little hearts to pieces.
I always wanted to have two children. In my dreams and fantasies and every time I played 'house'...I was always the Mommy and I always had two children. And I always wanted a boy and a girl. Two blonde-haired, blue-eyed real-life babies that I could love for real.
As I grew up, I began to baby-sit other people's children.....and I was pretty good at it! I would volunteer to work in the nursery at church, just so I could rock the babies. They just smelled so good!!
And then....perhaps a bit before I had planned, I found myself expecting my first baby. I wasn't much more than a baby myself....18 years old and scared silly. Terrified really. Once it was a reality, I knew I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't old enough, smart enough, or mature enough to be responsible for another human being. But from the very first time I felt her fluttering movements inside my tummy......my heart was lost forever. I dreamed of holding her...my arms ached to hold her.......9 months seemed an eternity to wait to meet her face to face. All the shame of getting pregnant before I was married, all the fears, all the pain......it was all completely worth it the second I saw her beautiful round face. And she was beautiful. Breath-takingly beautiful. And mine. My baby girl. Holding her to my chest and seeing her little heart-shaped lips and feeling her squirm and stretch in her sleep.......I fell in love with her more and more. She would curl her little fist around my finger and hold on tight......but she had an even tighter grip on my heart.
It wasn't all sunshine, glitter and rainbows.....she was colicky and cried a lot. I felt so inadequate to address her needs. I could feed her and change her and hold her and love her, but even then, my baby girl had a mind of her own. There were long, sleepless nights; nights spent cleaning vomit out of my hair and nights washing every sheet and towel we owned. Diaper rashes, a tight budget and we had to work long hours just to make ends meet. But it wasn't all bad....there were plenty of magical days filled with laughter, adventures and the endless delights of the insatiable learning of a toddler.
And she was so beautiful! My beautiful, beautiful baby girl. She loved dresses and she loved lace and pocketbooks and baby-dolls. She loved books and toys and learning. She loved her Mommy and Daddy and we were her entire world and she filled ours. She quickly developed her very own personality and sense of humor. She was the most delightful child! She was just as precocious as she was precious and strangers would often comment on how well-behaved she was.
We were so good at raising this beautiful daughter that we figured we needed to reproduce a second time. This time, it was planned down to the due-date. We did everything we could to make sure we would have a happy and healthy second child. From not touching caffeine to getting plenty of exercise and rest and everything in between. I read every pregnancy book. every magazine article and every chapter in my OB Nursing book at least twice. I knew about every possible disease process and neonatal distress known to man. And I worried a lot. I knew a little more this time.....this time, we knew that our first child was surviving and thriving because of God's grace and in spite of our ineptitude.
We wanted to make sure that our daughter understood that we loved her so much that we wanted another child! We wanted to explain things clinically and matter of factually to her.....no stories of storks or cabbage patches for us. This strategy resulted in our precious 4 year old daughter giving a rather specific and clinical lecture to her preschool Sunday School class on the nature of natural childbirth. In retrospect, we may have divulged too much clinical information, but we wanted her to be learned and understand.
We took her with us to the ultrasound appointment where we were going to learn the sex of the baby. She was DETERMINED that she was going to have a sister and she had already named her Emily Sarah. When the ultrasound tech proudly announced that our baby had a penis and that our daughter was indeed going to have a brother......our sweet and precious baby girl had a complete melt-down and screamed, "NO! NO! NO! It's a GIRL!!! Her name is EMILY SARAH!!!! You are WRONG!" And no amount of consoling or reasoning would make her change her mind. We bought blue paint and painted the nursery blue. We bought blue blankets and toy trucks and outfitted the nursery for a BOY and she kept saying that it was Emily Sarah's room. Even after he was born, she declared that it was NOT a boy, it was a girl and her name was Emily. Eventually, she came to accept that she had a "little brudder" but for the longest time, she wasn't too pleased. She declared that all he did was eat, sleep, poop and cry and she would pray at night when we put her to bed, "Jesus, I hate him. Take him back." Thankfully, that phase didn't last for very long.
Our son was SUCH a good baby! He never cried unless he was hungry or needed changing and he slept through the night almost from the very beginning! "Boy, we were GREAT at this baby-producing thing, weren't we?" we tricked ourselves into smugly thinking. THEN.......we taught him to walk and talk.
Our son had a mind of his own too. And it was a brilliant, but stubborn and defiant mind, determined to have his way or else. Almost from the moment he took his first steps and spoke his first words, he was at direct odds with what we wanted him to do and say. He seemed to enjoy getting into trouble and from the moment he started Pre-K at daycare, he was determined to make waves. He wanted attention. DEMANDED attention. Positive or negative - it didn't really matter. We lavished attention on him...spent hours reading to him, building leggo models with him, taking him places, showing him things, riding bikes, playing soccer, karate lessons.......you name it. It was never enough. He managed to become the terror of his day care and when he was four years old the first time he got kicked out of Vacation Bible School.........and then once he entered regular school, the real trouble began.
Kindergarten was a two year ordeal for him, as his teacher did not believe him "emotionally ready" to advance to first grade. Hours spent crying, "ABC's is STUPID!!!" and refusing to participate in classroom activities led to complete emotional melt-downs in the class room, resulting in him having to be picked up at school at numerous occasions. We became very well acquainted with the school principal's office. When we moved to North Carolina, we realized that he had very limited eyesight in his left eye and once he got glasses, his classroom performance improved vastly. Bless his heart - he couldn't see those "stupid ABC's" on the board for so long. Talk about feeling guilty!! What kind of parents didn't realize that their child couldn't see, for heaven's sakes!! After getting his glasses, he went from not being able to read a word to reading on a 10th grade level (while in the first grade) in a matter of months. He was given batteries of testing and it was determined that he was "intellectually gifted." he was placed in additional classes and and IEP was developed for him and he did better for a while. He liked the challenges of the gifted class, but he honestly thought that the "rules" of the classroom didn't apply to him. He was smart. Why should have have to do inane homework assignments to prove to the teacher that he knew the things that he so obviously already knew. It was all a waste of time and energy to him. As you can imagine, that didn't settle too well with his teachers.
Alyssa was gifted as well - we had two very bright and wondrously intelligent children! There were times that were an absolute JOY.....every evening, sitting at the dinner table, OH the conversations we had!! The laughter, the witty banter, the quick back-and-forth barbs, those are sweet and precious memories. When we would go on long car trips for vacation - those are some of my favorite memories!! The kids would be in the back seat and we would be in the front seat and we'd play word games........thinking up every word we could that rhymed......or thinking up all the different words there were for "boobies" or "bottom" or "poop" or "pee-pee"........laughing the miles away. Being astonished by the wisdom and intellect (and pure silliness) coming from that back seat!! I wish I could have bottled those days up and saved them for now!! Even a drop or two of those precious memories would work wonders for me on a dark and lonely afternoon.
High school proved to be difficult for both our kids on many levels. Being gifted meant being "different" and while they were both "different".........they expressed it in very different ways. Alyssa insulated herself by reading and immersing herself in the culture of Japan. She had a few very good friends....but mostly she spent her nights at home with her family, reading or going online to talk with other like-minded friends. She had a strong sense of who she was and who she wanted to be and I don't think it bothered her very much that she wasn't like some of the popular girls at her school. She seemed comfortable and satisfied to march to the beat of her own drum.
Jaron was another matter. I honestly believe that he's spent years "searching for himself".....he tried on different personas over the years: goth, emo, screamo, druggie, prep, and GQ Gent. He is so very musically talented......can play at least 12 different instruments and he excelled in band....but didn't like to follow the rules and got kicked out. He never quite seemed comfortable in his own skin.
Needless to say, both kids followed different paths than I would have chosen for them. As a parent, the ONLY thing you want is for your children to have a better life than you had. We wanted our kids to grow up in a stable home with two dedicated and loving parents. They did. We wanted them to have vacations and go places and see the outside world.....to broaden their horizons and increase their awareness of life outside of themselves. We wanted them to learn to be kind and loving. We wanted them to know right from wrong and to chose right every time. We wanted them to become independent and strong individuals. We wanted them to be happy.
Now, they are both adults. They have moved out and moved on with their lives.
Alyssa was the first to fly from the nest. She graduated from college and moved to Japan to live out her life-long dream of teaching English there. She seems to be happy and she is certainly independent. It kills me because she is so far away and we rarely even communicate any more. I spent the last 25 years of my life caring for her, meeting all of her needs and making sure she was safe and sound. Now, she is gone and doesn't need me at all. It was like cutting off a limb when she left. I cried for months on end. If I am truthful, it's been over 3 years now and I'm still crying about it. I miss her terribly. I feel cut off and cast off and unneeded and unwanted. We flew over to see her 2 years ago and stayed in Japan for 12 days. She almost seemed to resent us being there. She flew home this past Christmas for 9 days and seemed to be counting the days until she could leave again. She was distant and cold towards me....and while I understand that our relationship would change when my kids became an adult - I never realized that they wouldn't want to be around me. And it broke my heart into a thousand sharp shards that I'm still trying to piece back together. So much has changed. I don't even know her anymore. I feel like I have completely lost my baby girl and I barely recognize the person who replaced her.
Jaron moved out the day he turned 18. We begged him not to do it....didn't feel he was ready, but he was 18 and we couldn't stop him. He floundered for a few years...and even ended up in jail for several months. Talk about breaking your heart........when you have to go and visit your child and they are behind dirty Plexi-glass window and wearing an ugly orange jumpsuit, that's about as low as it gets. I've cried more tears over this child than I can even imagine. Buckets full. No.....Oceans full of tears. He's doing some better now; he has had a steady girlfriend for a year now and he has a management job at a restaurant. He still isn't making the best decisions for himself......but he's getting by. It still breaks my heart to watch him struggle and deal with the consequences of his decisions.
So....both of my children are adults now. I look back and wonder where I went wrong.....where I messed up with them. Was I the "perfect" mother? No, of course not. Did I love them as completely and perfectly as I could? Absolutely. I gave them everything I had to give and then some. I would still. I would give my very life for either one of them in a single heartbeat with out another thought. I love them more than life itself. I still only want the best for them.....and I still want them to thrive, be happy, do the right things and find love. I hope they both realize how very much they are loved.....by me and their dad.
Sometimes, I wonder how they see us. I wish I could see through their eyes and understand how they feel about us. I wonder if, sometime down the road they will realize that we're getting older and won't always be around. I wonder how our relationships will change with them over the years....because they surely will change. I hold out hope that we will become close once again....sharing laughs and hugs and jokes again.
Because all I ever wanted to be was a Mommy. I have been blessed to be a Mommy twice over and it has been the most excruciating, painful, amazingly awful, wonderful, most important thing I have ever done. I have struggled, I have been overjoyed, and overwhelmed; I have know the heights and the depths of motherhood. I love my children with every ounce of my being.......I hope they can understand at least that. If they only understand how much I love them.......how very much I love them....that's enough.
Looking back, some of the earliest memories I have are of playing with my baby dolls. I'd dress them up, wrap them up in blankets, tote them around on my hip, burp them, pretend to give them bottles, hug them, kiss them, tell them stories and love their plastic little hearts to pieces.
I always wanted to have two children. In my dreams and fantasies and every time I played 'house'...I was always the Mommy and I always had two children. And I always wanted a boy and a girl. Two blonde-haired, blue-eyed real-life babies that I could love for real.
As I grew up, I began to baby-sit other people's children.....and I was pretty good at it! I would volunteer to work in the nursery at church, just so I could rock the babies. They just smelled so good!!
And then....perhaps a bit before I had planned, I found myself expecting my first baby. I wasn't much more than a baby myself....18 years old and scared silly. Terrified really. Once it was a reality, I knew I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't old enough, smart enough, or mature enough to be responsible for another human being. But from the very first time I felt her fluttering movements inside my tummy......my heart was lost forever. I dreamed of holding her...my arms ached to hold her.......9 months seemed an eternity to wait to meet her face to face. All the shame of getting pregnant before I was married, all the fears, all the pain......it was all completely worth it the second I saw her beautiful round face. And she was beautiful. Breath-takingly beautiful. And mine. My baby girl. Holding her to my chest and seeing her little heart-shaped lips and feeling her squirm and stretch in her sleep.......I fell in love with her more and more. She would curl her little fist around my finger and hold on tight......but she had an even tighter grip on my heart.
It wasn't all sunshine, glitter and rainbows.....she was colicky and cried a lot. I felt so inadequate to address her needs. I could feed her and change her and hold her and love her, but even then, my baby girl had a mind of her own. There were long, sleepless nights; nights spent cleaning vomit out of my hair and nights washing every sheet and towel we owned. Diaper rashes, a tight budget and we had to work long hours just to make ends meet. But it wasn't all bad....there were plenty of magical days filled with laughter, adventures and the endless delights of the insatiable learning of a toddler.
And she was so beautiful! My beautiful, beautiful baby girl. She loved dresses and she loved lace and pocketbooks and baby-dolls. She loved books and toys and learning. She loved her Mommy and Daddy and we were her entire world and she filled ours. She quickly developed her very own personality and sense of humor. She was the most delightful child! She was just as precocious as she was precious and strangers would often comment on how well-behaved she was.
We were so good at raising this beautiful daughter that we figured we needed to reproduce a second time. This time, it was planned down to the due-date. We did everything we could to make sure we would have a happy and healthy second child. From not touching caffeine to getting plenty of exercise and rest and everything in between. I read every pregnancy book. every magazine article and every chapter in my OB Nursing book at least twice. I knew about every possible disease process and neonatal distress known to man. And I worried a lot. I knew a little more this time.....this time, we knew that our first child was surviving and thriving because of God's grace and in spite of our ineptitude.
We wanted to make sure that our daughter understood that we loved her so much that we wanted another child! We wanted to explain things clinically and matter of factually to her.....no stories of storks or cabbage patches for us. This strategy resulted in our precious 4 year old daughter giving a rather specific and clinical lecture to her preschool Sunday School class on the nature of natural childbirth. In retrospect, we may have divulged too much clinical information, but we wanted her to be learned and understand.
We took her with us to the ultrasound appointment where we were going to learn the sex of the baby. She was DETERMINED that she was going to have a sister and she had already named her Emily Sarah. When the ultrasound tech proudly announced that our baby had a penis and that our daughter was indeed going to have a brother......our sweet and precious baby girl had a complete melt-down and screamed, "NO! NO! NO! It's a GIRL!!! Her name is EMILY SARAH!!!! You are WRONG!" And no amount of consoling or reasoning would make her change her mind. We bought blue paint and painted the nursery blue. We bought blue blankets and toy trucks and outfitted the nursery for a BOY and she kept saying that it was Emily Sarah's room. Even after he was born, she declared that it was NOT a boy, it was a girl and her name was Emily. Eventually, she came to accept that she had a "little brudder" but for the longest time, she wasn't too pleased. She declared that all he did was eat, sleep, poop and cry and she would pray at night when we put her to bed, "Jesus, I hate him. Take him back." Thankfully, that phase didn't last for very long.
Our son was SUCH a good baby! He never cried unless he was hungry or needed changing and he slept through the night almost from the very beginning! "Boy, we were GREAT at this baby-producing thing, weren't we?" we tricked ourselves into smugly thinking. THEN.......we taught him to walk and talk.
Our son had a mind of his own too. And it was a brilliant, but stubborn and defiant mind, determined to have his way or else. Almost from the moment he took his first steps and spoke his first words, he was at direct odds with what we wanted him to do and say. He seemed to enjoy getting into trouble and from the moment he started Pre-K at daycare, he was determined to make waves. He wanted attention. DEMANDED attention. Positive or negative - it didn't really matter. We lavished attention on him...spent hours reading to him, building leggo models with him, taking him places, showing him things, riding bikes, playing soccer, karate lessons.......you name it. It was never enough. He managed to become the terror of his day care and when he was four years old the first time he got kicked out of Vacation Bible School.........and then once he entered regular school, the real trouble began.
Kindergarten was a two year ordeal for him, as his teacher did not believe him "emotionally ready" to advance to first grade. Hours spent crying, "ABC's is STUPID!!!" and refusing to participate in classroom activities led to complete emotional melt-downs in the class room, resulting in him having to be picked up at school at numerous occasions. We became very well acquainted with the school principal's office. When we moved to North Carolina, we realized that he had very limited eyesight in his left eye and once he got glasses, his classroom performance improved vastly. Bless his heart - he couldn't see those "stupid ABC's" on the board for so long. Talk about feeling guilty!! What kind of parents didn't realize that their child couldn't see, for heaven's sakes!! After getting his glasses, he went from not being able to read a word to reading on a 10th grade level (while in the first grade) in a matter of months. He was given batteries of testing and it was determined that he was "intellectually gifted." he was placed in additional classes and and IEP was developed for him and he did better for a while. He liked the challenges of the gifted class, but he honestly thought that the "rules" of the classroom didn't apply to him. He was smart. Why should have have to do inane homework assignments to prove to the teacher that he knew the things that he so obviously already knew. It was all a waste of time and energy to him. As you can imagine, that didn't settle too well with his teachers.
Alyssa was gifted as well - we had two very bright and wondrously intelligent children! There were times that were an absolute JOY.....every evening, sitting at the dinner table, OH the conversations we had!! The laughter, the witty banter, the quick back-and-forth barbs, those are sweet and precious memories. When we would go on long car trips for vacation - those are some of my favorite memories!! The kids would be in the back seat and we would be in the front seat and we'd play word games........thinking up every word we could that rhymed......or thinking up all the different words there were for "boobies" or "bottom" or "poop" or "pee-pee"........laughing the miles away. Being astonished by the wisdom and intellect (and pure silliness) coming from that back seat!! I wish I could have bottled those days up and saved them for now!! Even a drop or two of those precious memories would work wonders for me on a dark and lonely afternoon.
High school proved to be difficult for both our kids on many levels. Being gifted meant being "different" and while they were both "different".........they expressed it in very different ways. Alyssa insulated herself by reading and immersing herself in the culture of Japan. She had a few very good friends....but mostly she spent her nights at home with her family, reading or going online to talk with other like-minded friends. She had a strong sense of who she was and who she wanted to be and I don't think it bothered her very much that she wasn't like some of the popular girls at her school. She seemed comfortable and satisfied to march to the beat of her own drum.
Jaron was another matter. I honestly believe that he's spent years "searching for himself".....he tried on different personas over the years: goth, emo, screamo, druggie, prep, and GQ Gent. He is so very musically talented......can play at least 12 different instruments and he excelled in band....but didn't like to follow the rules and got kicked out. He never quite seemed comfortable in his own skin.
Needless to say, both kids followed different paths than I would have chosen for them. As a parent, the ONLY thing you want is for your children to have a better life than you had. We wanted our kids to grow up in a stable home with two dedicated and loving parents. They did. We wanted them to have vacations and go places and see the outside world.....to broaden their horizons and increase their awareness of life outside of themselves. We wanted them to learn to be kind and loving. We wanted them to know right from wrong and to chose right every time. We wanted them to become independent and strong individuals. We wanted them to be happy.
Now, they are both adults. They have moved out and moved on with their lives.
Alyssa was the first to fly from the nest. She graduated from college and moved to Japan to live out her life-long dream of teaching English there. She seems to be happy and she is certainly independent. It kills me because she is so far away and we rarely even communicate any more. I spent the last 25 years of my life caring for her, meeting all of her needs and making sure she was safe and sound. Now, she is gone and doesn't need me at all. It was like cutting off a limb when she left. I cried for months on end. If I am truthful, it's been over 3 years now and I'm still crying about it. I miss her terribly. I feel cut off and cast off and unneeded and unwanted. We flew over to see her 2 years ago and stayed in Japan for 12 days. She almost seemed to resent us being there. She flew home this past Christmas for 9 days and seemed to be counting the days until she could leave again. She was distant and cold towards me....and while I understand that our relationship would change when my kids became an adult - I never realized that they wouldn't want to be around me. And it broke my heart into a thousand sharp shards that I'm still trying to piece back together. So much has changed. I don't even know her anymore. I feel like I have completely lost my baby girl and I barely recognize the person who replaced her.
Jaron moved out the day he turned 18. We begged him not to do it....didn't feel he was ready, but he was 18 and we couldn't stop him. He floundered for a few years...and even ended up in jail for several months. Talk about breaking your heart........when you have to go and visit your child and they are behind dirty Plexi-glass window and wearing an ugly orange jumpsuit, that's about as low as it gets. I've cried more tears over this child than I can even imagine. Buckets full. No.....Oceans full of tears. He's doing some better now; he has had a steady girlfriend for a year now and he has a management job at a restaurant. He still isn't making the best decisions for himself......but he's getting by. It still breaks my heart to watch him struggle and deal with the consequences of his decisions.
So....both of my children are adults now. I look back and wonder where I went wrong.....where I messed up with them. Was I the "perfect" mother? No, of course not. Did I love them as completely and perfectly as I could? Absolutely. I gave them everything I had to give and then some. I would still. I would give my very life for either one of them in a single heartbeat with out another thought. I love them more than life itself. I still only want the best for them.....and I still want them to thrive, be happy, do the right things and find love. I hope they both realize how very much they are loved.....by me and their dad.
Sometimes, I wonder how they see us. I wish I could see through their eyes and understand how they feel about us. I wonder if, sometime down the road they will realize that we're getting older and won't always be around. I wonder how our relationships will change with them over the years....because they surely will change. I hold out hope that we will become close once again....sharing laughs and hugs and jokes again.
Because all I ever wanted to be was a Mommy. I have been blessed to be a Mommy twice over and it has been the most excruciating, painful, amazingly awful, wonderful, most important thing I have ever done. I have struggled, I have been overjoyed, and overwhelmed; I have know the heights and the depths of motherhood. I love my children with every ounce of my being.......I hope they can understand at least that. If they only understand how much I love them.......how very much I love them....that's enough.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Mental Environmentalism
My mental environment is a blank canvass. It's a green-screen with an ever changing background.
Sometimes.....I envision that my mind is like the game board from the childhood favorite of "CandyLand." And I spend a lot of time skipping merrily along the pastel path to Gumdrop Pass, Lollypop Woods and the Peppermint Forrest. Everything is sweet and bright and happy. There's not a care in the world. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and butterflies are flitting about and flowers are blooming and all is well in the world.
Sometimes.....I envision it like the dessert. Desolate. Burning hot. Sandy. Dangerous. Arid and lonely. The only things growing there are prickly and mean. Scorpions, snakes and cacti.
Sometimes....I envision it dreamy. Like a misty forest at dusk with a grinning full moon shining down on a faint mist as the fairies and gnomes come out to dance and frolic under the toadstools on the soft green moss of the forest floor. It's enchanted and magical...but not at all spooky. Just special.
Sometimes....I envision it like an industrial park. Lots of gears and cogs turning, turning, turning. Steam rising from the stacks; working, working, working. Pipes, bolts, drive-belts, machinery. Clinking, turning, tinkering, churning, whirling and producing. Spewing out waste, yellow radioactive water and filth along with it's consumer products.
Sometimes..........I envision it like a beach. A special retreat for relaxing. A palm tree swaying over the water in the ocean breeze, seagulls cawing and hopping merrily along the waterline. Crabs skittering across the sand like drunken old men....and the ocean...undulating and never ending.....coming and going. Coming and going. High tide, Low tide. With waves that are sometimes calm and easy, sometimes tempestuous - But always there.
Sometimes....it's like a slasher movie. Something grisly and sinister around every corner......ominous music playing in the background.....dark and foreboding. Gnarled tree limbs reaching out like arthritic hands into a cloud-bruised sky scared by lightening and punctuated by thunderous booms and sheets of pouring rain and the un-dead and evil are lurking in the shadows.
Sometimes......I see sunshine, fields of daisies and sunflowers and an inviting hammock strung between two stately shade trees. Fluffy pillows and a good book with a glass of lemonade beckon me to spend the afternoon kicked back and relaxing.
Sometimes..........I see ballerinas, pirouetting en pointe, graceful arms lifted high. Frilly lace tutus and sparkley tiaras reflecting the stage-lights.
Sometimes I see nothing. Just darkness. Nothingness. Blackness. Negative space.
Sometimes............I envision a sidewalk cafe in Paris, a few blocks from the Eiffel Tower- where I am resting at a table, writing in a journal and sipping dark, fragrant, aromatic cafe. I am nibbling on a buttery rich croissant. I hear people at other tables, whispering and laughing in French and I feel so very sophisticated and posh. Oui, Oui!
Because my mental environment is subject to my own whims......I don't relish the idea of "Mental Environmentalism" because I like having the varied mental landscapes to call to mind. How could I cherish the gumdrop mountains, the sidewalk cafe, and the fairies dancing in the misty moonlight without the contrasting evil and blackness to compare it to? I think I will believe more in a more Darwinistic mental environment......where all thoughts and can exist, but the stronger ones flourish, but the ones I nurture and pay attention to will be more fit for survival.
The Central Question of Personhood
Am I who I really am? I guess that depends on WHO I really am. I have NO idea. Who am I? I am Amanda Lee Griffin. But who on earth is SHE? How do we define who we REALLY are? What actually defines ME?
What defines who I am? Do the roles I play define who I am? For I am a wife. I am a mother. I am also a daughter, a sister, an aunt. I am a puppy owner, a nurse and a manager. I am a friend, a lover, a neighbor. Do the things I believe define who I am? I believe in Jesus. I believe in truth, love, and grace. I believe in forgiveness and humility. I believe in being loving and treating people the same way I would want to be treated. Do the things I enjoy define who I am? I enjoy reading, writing and cooking. I enjoy working in my yard/garden and I enjoy puttering around my craft room. I enjoy photography and I enjoy spending time with friends/loved ones. I enjoy traveling and cuddling with my puppy. I enjoy teaching. Do the choices I make define who I am? I choose to be married to my best friend. I choose to attend church. I choose to work my hardest. I choose to try to be non-judgmental with those I care about (while hoping for the same grace from them). I choose to project myself as positive and upbeat (and sometimes I can even manage to pull it off!). Do the people I love define who I am? I love my husband, my children, my mother and sister, my nieces, my friends, and my puppy. I love my coworkers (well, most of them.....it's sometimes a bit of a challenge, but I'm praying for God to change my heart!). Does where I live define who I am? I live in the South.....in Tennessee now...just south of Nashville. I've also lived in Georgia, North Carolina, and Texas. But I am most definitely a Southern girl by birth and sentiment. Does what I do for a living define who I am? I am a nurse.....a home health nurse. Recently promoted to management.....so I guess that kindda makes me the "boss" in my office...a term I really don't feel comfortable calling myself. I prefer "Team Leader" or something less.....well, bossy. Does how I feel define who I am? Because I often feel blessed, content, happy, capable, loved, creative, loving, and lucky. I sometimes feel sad, lonely, lacking, depressed, inadequate, unlovely, selfish, peevish, petty and unfair. Sometimes, I feel sheer, soaring joy and then deep, dark despair.....often within the space of a single day.
Do I ever pretend to be someone else? Hmmmm. I find that a difficult question to answer. Because who I am really DOES change, depending on the circumstance. While I am the same person when I am in a corporate meeting at work as I am when I am alone in an intimate setting with my husband......I cannot act the same way or say the same things. Society demands a different persona for different situations. I cannot act the way I act with my mother, sister and nieces when we are hanging out and goofing off and laughing as I do when I am interviewing a prospective employee. I would be expected to act differently at a church service than say.....at a ballgame or a bowling alley. I can't whoop and holler and carry on at a funeral home the same way I would at say....a company picnic. It wouldn't be appropriate. Does that mean that I am pretending to be someone I am not at those different functions? I don't think so. I think that it's merely different facets of the same diamond. I am the same basic person - with the same values and beliefs and social/spiritual mores....but my behavior has to match the occasion, but my intrinsic character doesn't really change. With my family and friends, I am free to be more expressive, more vocal, and way more silly, but the rules of society and propriety would not allow that same freedom of expression in a board-meeting, an airport security line, or in a classroom. One reason I enjoy the dramatic arts is because of the ability to "try on" different characters. It is freeing and cool to become someone else - if only for the space of a single scene in a play. It allows me to act in a manner I never would, and to say things I never could. And people judge the character I am portraying - not ME.
Is there anything more important than being who I really am? I suppose "who I really am" is the end result of the weaving of a tapestry of experiences, thoughts, actions, choices, decisions, and people who are all part of my life to date. "Being who I really am" is simply the result of throwing all those ingredients into a giant stew and flavoring it with the spice of my own experiences. Looking in the mirror and asking "WHO IS THAT GIRL!?!?" is a pointless exercise. It's just ME. No one else is uniquely me....because no one else has had my exact same mix of experiences, emotions, reactions, joys, heartbreaks, dreams, pains, disappointments, loves, lessons, hopes, and realities. Life is strange that way.......but also interesting - for if we were all the same, think how dull it would be! For better or for worse - I guess am 'who I really am' (whoever THAT is) after all. And you are who you really are.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Blessed, but still feeling empty sometimes.............
I am blessed. So very blessed....beyond my wildest imagination. I have been married to the love of my life for going on 28 years now....and I have two healthy, successful and independent adult children. I am at the top of my career and feel like I am pretty good at what I do.....and I feel like I make a difference in the lives I am able to touch. I feel loved, appreciated and happy. I am reasonably healthy and active. I have had the fortune to travel to many, many places and see wondrous things. I live in a very nice house and we drive very nice cars and we have more than enough of everything. Like I said...I am so very blessed. I really am deeply content and happy......how could I possibly ask for more??
And yet.......when I am all alone...in the dark and in the quiet moments.....I sometimes still feel a deep sadness. It is almost like a longing for something....a nagging doubt about life......but it's elusive and I can't make out what I think I am missing. It brings about a feeling of restlessness and emptiness in my soul. And the guilt of that emptiness weighs heavy on me. How could I possibly feel empty when I have been given so much? What does it say about me...about me as a person.... to want something.....something so undefined and vague that I can't even give it a name....when I already have been given so much?
It's true that this stage of life has it's moments of great happiness....the spontaneity of being able to drop everything and travel....the ability to hop on the back of a motorcycle and take off for the day......the freedom of being responsible for no one but ourselves......these things are very freeing and precious to me. But there are times......many times....when I find myself missing the days when my kids were at home. Missing the bickering, the laughter, the banter, the fussing. Missing the good night hugs, our word games in the car, and our family shenanigans at the dinner table. There are a few hundred times a day when I will read something or see something that I know one of the kids would appreciate and I can't wait to tell them...but we talk so infrequently now, that I forget before I get to talk to them again.
One child is thousands of miles away in a foreign land....both literally and figuratively. I'm lucky if we get to talk every three months or so now. She's busy living her life and it doesn't include her parents anymore. She is a very independent young woman....who no longer wants or needs us. I have had to actually grieve this loss.....and it really feels like someone chopped off a large piece of my heart and sent it away right along with her. Sometimes I miss her so much I can hardly breathe. I've lost count of the tears. When we do talk, it's not the same as it used to be.....there's an awkwardness and a distance that's hard to span. And it breaks my heart into a million jagged pieces. She is still my baby girl....and no matter how much time passes or how much distance there is..... I don't think I will ever stop missing her.
The other child is closer to home, but still not at home. I do get to see him every few weeks or so...and that is good. But I still worry. He hasn't always made the best decisions...but he's learning from his mistakes and becoming his own man. My little baby boy is a towering 6'2" tall young man .....and I have to look up to him now. There is still nothing sweeter than a hug from him and hearing the precious words, "I love you, Momma."
Time sure is a weird thing. It seems to go by so slowly when we are in the middle of life's day in and day out tasks.......work days stretch out into forever, hard times seem to last so long, and yet...........the years just fly by. In retrospect, it really did all happen so fast. My babies became toddlers who became school age kids who became 'tweens and then teens filled with angst and then....poof: They were adults and they were gone. Flown from the nest. ....leaving behind a few old clothes and toys in the attic and photographs as a reminder that they were even here. Maybe what I am longing for is a way to capture and replay the last 25 or so years. Maybe I'm not through grieving the loss of my role as a mother. Maybe, like most things in this life.... healing will come to me in fits and starts over the next few years. Meanwhile, I pray that I can find the grace I need to continue to find happiness and contentment with my life in this current season of change.
My life is good, and my husband is amazing. He loves me for who I am. We laugh together. We cry together (okay, mostly I cry and he loves me anyway). And there is a lot of laughter.....his sense of humor keeps me guessing, even after all these years. He is tender and loving....and generous and giving. And strong and safe. He is good and Godly and skilled and talented. My marriage isn't perfect....because it's the union of two very human people....but it is a GOOD marriage.
Why then, do I have such seasons of doubt? Why do I wrestle with feeling empty and lonely and sad? Why do I feel isolated and alone........even among friends and loved ones? How on earth can I feel so content one second...and so utterly defeated the next? How can I vacillate so wildly between feeling loved and feeling forsaken? How can I have so much, and still feel empty? How can I completely know that I am this blessed and yet still feel miserable? Is it ungratefulness? Selfishness? Darkness? A genetic predisposition to depression? Doubt? Sin? Humanness?
I have a GOOD marriage and a GOOD life. I am blessed.....beyond all that is reasonable and necessary and explainable. My blessings have been pressed down, without measure, and overflowing......and I KNOW that this life of mine is so much more than I could ever deserve or even wish for or dream of or imagine.....I am simply awash in the glorious and unmerited favor of God.........and I am His child. And while I truly believe that with all my heart......there are still dark nights when I have to pray and cry out..."Lord, help my unbelief!"
I'm a Fantasy Farmer
We went for a ride this morning......the first sunny morning after almost a week of torrential rain. The world smelled fresh and clean. There were puddles everywhere and the grasses and gardens were all bright, jungle green. We rode through the countryside and through farmland and saw all the glorious sights of back-road Tennessee. Rolling along, seeing all the lush green fields, the gardens being guarded by funny scarecrows, clothes hanging out on the lines to dry, cows grazing in the fields, and barns dotting the hillsides....I couldn't help but think about a small, tiny, glimmer of a dream I've always kept hidden away in a dusty corner of my mind. It's only a dream.....and will probably remain a dream because reality couldn't live up to the shimmering perfectness of the way I picture things.
In my misty dream, a big yellow sun rises on the green rolling hills of my small farm just as my rooster crows a perfectly timed and happy "Cock-a-Doodle-Doo" to welcome the new day. The sun glistens on the dew as I enjoy a steaming aromatic cup of coffee and head out to gather the eggs and feed the chickens and milk my cow. Yes. My cow. Her name is (of course) Bessie.
Next, I pick my green beans and tomatoes and a few ears of corn. When the sun is high up over head and shadows all but disappear underfoot, I pour myself a tall glass of iced tea with slices of lemon and head out to sit under the shade tree and snap my fresh green beans...and hear the pleasing sound of the ping-ping-ping as the newly snapped beans hit the bowl. There is a perfect breeze cooling the noon heat and my lunch consists of a giant slab of juicy red tomato and a slice of sweet onion sandwiched between a buttermilk biscuit and a freshly sliced cucumber.
The laundry is freshly washed and hanging out on the line to dry...pants dancing on the breeze, socks tapping their toes along in rhythm. The clean sheets will smell like the sky and wind and sweet wild honeysuckle when I climb into bed tonight.
Zinnias and Marigolds riotously bloom in a rainbow of happy colors, their faces lifted in worship to the sun along the first row of my neat little garden. Chirping blue birds and fat little wrens sing merry little tunes as they hop along the ground, searching for their lunches. Mr. Robin Red Breast flashes me a wink from his from the fence post and Mr. Mockingbird trills his song and shows me the white strips along his wingspan as he flits from perch to perch around the yard....stopping to snitch a few seeds from my giant yellow sunflowers.
Family and friends will gather for supper tonight.....so I set the table out on the porch with a gingham cloth and pretty matching checkered napkins. A mason jar full of sunny white daisies with yellow hearts grace the center of the table. We'll feast on my fresh green beans, corn on the cob, cornbread, pinto beans, fried chicken, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, chow-chow, greens and a giant strawberry cobbler. As the sun goes down, we'll make a churn of homemade vanilla ice cream to top the cobbler....and we'll all sit around and sip our iced tea and talk late into the warm evening while the children chase lightening bugs.
It's a nice, sweet dream.......colored by my childhood. In reality, I don't really want the responsibility of taking care of a cow and chickens......and growing a giant garden would be more work than I would want to take on.............as I want to be free to travel and see the world......but every now and then.....I really, really want to retreat to my magical fantasy farm for a few days.
In my misty dream, a big yellow sun rises on the green rolling hills of my small farm just as my rooster crows a perfectly timed and happy "Cock-a-Doodle-Doo" to welcome the new day. The sun glistens on the dew as I enjoy a steaming aromatic cup of coffee and head out to gather the eggs and feed the chickens and milk my cow. Yes. My cow. Her name is (of course) Bessie.
Next, I pick my green beans and tomatoes and a few ears of corn. When the sun is high up over head and shadows all but disappear underfoot, I pour myself a tall glass of iced tea with slices of lemon and head out to sit under the shade tree and snap my fresh green beans...and hear the pleasing sound of the ping-ping-ping as the newly snapped beans hit the bowl. There is a perfect breeze cooling the noon heat and my lunch consists of a giant slab of juicy red tomato and a slice of sweet onion sandwiched between a buttermilk biscuit and a freshly sliced cucumber.
The laundry is freshly washed and hanging out on the line to dry...pants dancing on the breeze, socks tapping their toes along in rhythm. The clean sheets will smell like the sky and wind and sweet wild honeysuckle when I climb into bed tonight.
Zinnias and Marigolds riotously bloom in a rainbow of happy colors, their faces lifted in worship to the sun along the first row of my neat little garden. Chirping blue birds and fat little wrens sing merry little tunes as they hop along the ground, searching for their lunches. Mr. Robin Red Breast flashes me a wink from his from the fence post and Mr. Mockingbird trills his song and shows me the white strips along his wingspan as he flits from perch to perch around the yard....stopping to snitch a few seeds from my giant yellow sunflowers.
Family and friends will gather for supper tonight.....so I set the table out on the porch with a gingham cloth and pretty matching checkered napkins. A mason jar full of sunny white daisies with yellow hearts grace the center of the table. We'll feast on my fresh green beans, corn on the cob, cornbread, pinto beans, fried chicken, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, chow-chow, greens and a giant strawberry cobbler. As the sun goes down, we'll make a churn of homemade vanilla ice cream to top the cobbler....and we'll all sit around and sip our iced tea and talk late into the warm evening while the children chase lightening bugs.
It's a nice, sweet dream.......colored by my childhood. In reality, I don't really want the responsibility of taking care of a cow and chickens......and growing a giant garden would be more work than I would want to take on.............as I want to be free to travel and see the world......but every now and then.....I really, really want to retreat to my magical fantasy farm for a few days.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Easy as ABC.....
Always be kind, rather than always needing to be right.
Believe that you ARE who GOD says you ARE.
Cherish your family and friends.
Deepen your faith.
Encourage as many people as you can.
Forgive others. It sets YOU free, not them.
Grace is the greatest gift you will ever be given.
Hear what others are saying; pay attention.
Insist on being gracious and nice to everyone you meet.
Just do it. Don't think about it or dream about it. Just DO it.
Keep in touch with the ones you love.
Love with your entire being.
Mamaws and Mommas are precious. Make sure you appreciate yours while you can.
Never go to bed angry.
Open your heart to seeing things from other's view points.
Pray. Always. Without ceasing.
Quiet is not boring. It's necessary for resting.
Relax and enjoy your life. You only get one chance.
Share everything you have. It will bring you so much more joy to share.
Take time to speak to everybody and give them a smile.
Understand that the world does not revolve around you.
Value the important things...realizing that the important things are likely not things at all.
We are all fighting battles.....help ease someone's heavy load.
X-ray vision is not a superpower. Love is.
You are kind enough, good enough, and doggone it, people like you!!
Zealousness is contagious!
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Each Day of the Week is a Person
Oh Wow. This is a FUN one!!
Monday is a strict librarian who is all business and no fun. Absolutely NO fun. She wears her hair in a tight bun with nary a hair out of place. Her glasses are firmly planted on the end of her pointy sharp beak of a nose and she wears sensible shoes with her skirt and blouse. She is tall, thin, mean, spare and severe; not built for comfort or ease. Her face is wrinkled with serious frown lines from years of outright disapproval of anything frivolous or fun. Her purse is well organized and her cardigan smells ever so slightly of mothballs. Her book bag has only reference and text books. She does not read for pleasure, only knowledge. She lives alone with 3 indifferent cats in a very tidy apartment and eats cold tuna fish and drinks lukewarm chamomile tea for dinner every night while watching the evening news.
Tuesday is a teenaged student. Working hard to complete all of her assignments, wearing a plaid skirt and button-down shirt with saddle oxfords. Her fresh face is well-scrubbed, her hair clean and neatly held back in a sassy ponytail that swings from right to left as she purposefully strides down the halls from class to class: a woman on a mission! She will get the job done! Taking notes, and taking names....she is all about accomplishing the task at hand. Memorization, computation, conjugation - all with an eye toward graduation. She is fresh, full of potential and promise and she has big dreams!
Wednesday is a loveable coach; he used to be the Quarterback and star of the team back in the day. He's aging well, though he has grown a bit pudgy and soft around the middle, but he's still got the old charisma. He shouts instructions from the sidelines, cheering you on...letting you know that "You're half way there! You're gonna make it! Keep hustling! Keep your eye on the prize! It's all downhill from here!" He's tough and he still demands you show up for every single workout and practice, but you can't help admire him for his optimism and encouragement. Just when you want to give up, he blows the silver whistle around his neck and calls you into the locker room for an inspiring pep talk before the second half. His coaching methods are tried and true. He won't leave you hanging; he will see you through to the finish line.
Thursday is a middle aged, middle management man. He still shows up for work every day, but he reeks of apathy, indifference and biding time. He realizes that this is it; he has reached the pinnacle of his career and his ambition ebbed away with the arrival of this realization. His clothing is a bit rumpled and no longer crisply ironed and starched. His tie has ketchup stains on it and his shoes are mildly scuffed. His posture is slumped in an almost defeated pose at his desk. He's simply waiting on Friday's arrival with an air of detached acceptance.
Friday is Substitute Teacher who shows up wearing a tye-dye t-shirt and frayed jeans and flip-flops with black-eyeliner for make-up and she smokes. A lot. She's casual and she's laid back. She rolls in the film projector and declares "Movie Day!!" and then kicks back and takes a nap. Friday stays up late, parties hard, and occasionally colors her conversations with swear-words. Friday unapologetically eats junk food for breakfast, lunch AND dinner and smacks her bubblegum and blows giant pink bubbles. Friday listens to Rock-n-Roll music cranked up to 11.
Saturday is A Rhinestone Cowboy....Riding Out On A Horse In A Star-Spangled Rodeo! Saturday knows he's a super-star and he struts his stuff like the stud he is! All the girls swoon and want to be with him and all the guys just want to BE him. He lights up the room with his million dollar swagger, flashing Benjamins and buying rounds; dominating the dance floor with his moves like Jagger. He didn't just come to play, he came to WIN.
Sunday is a Grandma who gets up early and makes you breakfast. And not just any breakfast, but pancakes. With butter and syrup. And bacon; blessed bacon. And she wraps her soft arms around you and gives you a long hug and you KNOW you are loved. She invites you to rest with her under the shade tree in the swing and tells you stories about what life was like when she was a teenager and her soft, sweet voice lulls you to sleep and you dream of soft green grass, blue skies, clear waters and birds singing. When you awaken from your Sunday afternoon nap, she has warm homemade chocolate chip cookies and ice cold milk waiting for you. Sunday is easy. Easy like a Sunday morning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)