Well, as of this coming Thursday, it will have been 6 weeks since my surgery. I'm doing GREAT! I'm feeling GREAT! I've lost 56 pounds so far and I'm down 3 clothing sizes! That makes me want to dance and shout and sing! I went shopping on Saturday and tried on about 10 different things and they all FIT ME!!! And the size was only 1X instead of 4X's!!!! I actually started crying in the dressing room because I was so happy about that! Now, I have a few new blouses and a nice dress coat to wear that fits me! (AND...it was all super-discounted too! BONUS!) :)
This past week, I was notified that I'd won a contest that I'd entered for a free registration into the 'Get Fit Murfreesboro' challenge...which is like a local "Biggest Loser" thing! I went in last week to be weighed, measured and photographed! The prizes are amazing (Hot Air Balloon rides, a Cruise for 2, clothes, Sporting goods, cooking classes, etc....). And since I'm hoping to be dropping a significant amount of weight, I figure...WHY NOT?? I'm hoping that it acts as an extra motivation for me to keep on track.
I've been going to the gym at least 3 mornings a week.....but I need to go 5 days a week for the most aerobic benefit. This weekend, Steve and I did do 2 workout videos....a gentle Yoga video and we did about 20 minutes of a Jillian Michaels video. (She's kindda MEAN! hahaha!! I had to modify some of the moves....I'm just not strong enough to do them the way she does just yet). My new goal: to do a push up!!!! Heck, to do a SET of push ups!!! I couldn't budge my self tonight at all when we were working out. I guess I'm still too heavy to lift my own weight. haha!! BUT....I'm working on it! I do feel like I have more energy when I exercise.
Also, I'm finding that my taste buds have indeed changed!! FOR THE BETTER!!! I'm craving savory things.....and we went to Wild Ginger...an Asian Fusion type restaurant on Saturday and I ordered a coconut-milk/pineapple Shrimp soup!!! The shrimp was good!!! I actually LIKED it!!! I'm so glad! Seafood is higher in protein and lower in fat than most meats....but I've never liked it at all. Now, not only am I tolerating it, I'm LOVING it! Yay!!! On Friday, I found out that I do still like potato chips. Oh well, you win some, you lose some, huh? I just need to just resolve to never buy myself potato chips and I'll be okay! (Easier said than done.) I am also craving milk. I've never been a big milk drinker....so this is kind of weird. But it's all I want first thing in the morning and before bedtime. Isn't that so very weird??? I just have to be careful not to drink it too quickly, or it makes my tummy hurt.
I've sadly found that drinking plain water makes me so nauseated that I almost throw up. I've never been a big water-drinker.....but it's never made me feel sick before. If I add lemon, or cucumber, I can get it down a wee bit better....but I have to sip it slowly and deliberately, or something triggers my gag reflex. It's the weirdest thing! I can drink Powerade Zero with no problems......but plain water makes my stomach start contracting and I usually end up almost throwing up. I have no idea why.
My fetish for pickled okra, peppers, cucumbers, etc... remains. Luckily, there are only 5 calories in 2 pieces of okra! I just have to chew and chew and chew and chew it before I swallow it. This weekend, I also had pickled carrots and pickled Diakon and LOVED them too! What is it with me and pickled stuff??? I used to HATE pickles up until about a year or so ago! haaha!! (And NO....I'm most definitely NOT pregnant)! hahahaha!!!
My weight isn't dropping as fast as I thought it would. I'll stay stuck on one weight for a week....then I'll mysteriously drop 2 pounds....then stay stuck for another week. It's the weirdest thing. I've been tracking my calories in/out on a website and I'm averaging less than 850 calories per day and I'm burning somewhere in the neighborhood of 400 calories per day in exercise. If you do that math....I should be pencil thin by now!!! I don't know what's up with the scales. I'm trying not to focus on it too much....to go by how I feel and how my clothes fit....but it's discouraging to not see the scale respond to all my hard work. Folks keep asking me, "How much have you lost now? How many pounds did you lose this week?" And that number on the scale doesn't seem to go down as quickly as I'd like. I just have to be content in knowing that I'm doing all the right things and that I'm getting healthier every single day....choice by choice. The scales is a harsh mistress, indeed!!
I am feeling much more hopeful, more energetic, more engaged. I feel like doing more around the house; I feel like being more active. I want to have sex more (blushing at that admission, but...I have promised that it's all about being honest and transparent, so there it is). All in all, I'm finally getting to a place where I can finally say, "I'm glad I had this surgery." It took me almost 6 weeks to get here.....and some of it has been an uphill, painful, bumpy, nauseating ride. I can't even count the number of times in the last 6 weeks that I've cried into my pillow.... sobbing, "WHAT HAVE I DONE???" and wished that I'd never even heard of Gastric Sleeve surgery. Now I can look back and see that I really am glad that it's all over and I'm on the road to a new and better me! It has been so much harder than I ever anticipated it would. Anybody who says that Gastric surgery is "The easy way to lose weight" is crazy. This has been one of the most difficult things I've had to struggle through. Not just the physical pain, the nausea, the soreness....but the mental battles have been hard as well. I had a period of grieving for food. I REALLY, REALLY like food!! Not being able to eat was brutal. I came to realize just how skewed my relationship with food was...and how I used food to medicate everything from loneliness to anger to boredom. Honestly, it wasn't easy to give up my "go-to" coping method. I still have moments. I've been tempted to "cheat" a few times....and I have done it....and paid the price of pain and regret. But I'm making better choices.
I'm writing more. I reading more. I'm exercising more. I still have those weak moments where I stand in front of my pantry with the door open and go over the contents with an eye for what I can eat to make me "feel better." But I'm PRAYING desperately not to fall back into my old patterns. I want to form new coping mechanisms and NEVER go back to who I was before. And I'm getting there.....one small choice, one small step, one small decision at a time.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Self Worth, Guilt and a Hidden Tiara
It's been another good while since I posted. I told ya I was gonna be bad at posting on a consistent basis. Most of the time....I just feel like I don't have anything deep or exciting or encouraging to say. And when I do post.....mostly, it's very self-indulgent rambling. And this post will be NO exception to that rule. This post is about me trying to work out some of my "issues" and it's completely self-indulgent...that said, do not feel you have to keep reading. This entry is really for my own benefit. It always helps me to get things in writing to see them more clearly.
I had a long and serious talk with Steve tonight over dinner about what "being Godly" really means and if we were Godly people and if you think that you are Godly, does that mean that you're really NOT being Godly?
We came to no real earth-shattering conclusions.....only that even Godly people sin....and the best we can do is strive for having the mind and character of Christ...and confess it immediately when we fail, and then try again. I suppose it all comes down to life experience, attitude and staying in tune with the Holy Spirit.
We were also talking about different attitudes about life....about how some people seem to have "magical thinking" ......actually expecting good things to just fall into their laps without paying any dues, without putting in the time, without hard work and without sweat equity. They have an almost entitlement way of thinking. (We were actually talking about our own children). Is it because of the predominance of the "Name-It-Claim-It" milieu of so many of today's churches? Or is it because they just don't want to work for things? Is it because as children, we parents were so overly worried about their self-esteem that we rescued them from situations where they could have learned from the consequences about the inevitable hard-knocks of life? They seem to think....."I deserve the good things!" and then they actually expect the good things to happen magically....just out of the blue!
I have a hard time understanding this way of thinking. I tend to fall on the other extreme end of the spectrum.....and by the way, I think both extremes are very off the mark. I am always surprised by blessings in my life.....I guess because I usually feel like I don't deserve them. Even though I will admit that I work very hard and do my best, I tend to feel embarrassed and try to downplay any thing that results in a financial gain, or a public reward, or recognition. This kind of attention makes me feel guilty. I end up with a very defeated mindset that sounds something like this inside my head: "If they only knew the REAL me...." or "If they knew what I was ACTUALLY thinking....." or "I wish I was as nice as they think I am...." And I end up feeling guilty over being blessed!! I think that this is just as messed up as expecting the blessings to just happen.
There has to be some middle ground. Surely there are some well-adjusted people out there who work hard, who receive accolades and are happy about it. Where along the line did I begin to feel that I was so worthless that I didn't deserve to be blessed or recognized for doing well? Who told me that I wasn't worth it? That I should be ashamed of the good things that I do? How did this become so ingrained in me? I don't really know the answer to that question. Sure, there were issues during my childhood that I can point back to as being very traumatic...but I also realize that EVERYBODY has skeletons in their closet; we all have a past that still haunts us from time to time.
I think instead of asking when, where and why did this happen, I should focus more on how to fix the problem. I've done all the studies: "Making Peace with Your Past" and "Search for Significance" and "Overcoming Depression" and "Breaking Free" and I did learn from each of them....but I'm still not completely "FIXED." It's likely that I won't ever be completely fixed this side of eternity either.
So, instead of being fixed......I just need to learn to live my life to the best of my ability in a not-fair, very broken and hurting world. Ahhhh, there's the rub, huh? What's the trick to that? Well, I'm not sure there are any tricks to it, and I'm certainly no expert....but this is my take on what I need to do myself.
First and foremost.....I need to pray. Every day. All day. And even when I'm not praying...I need to have an attitude of prayer. I need the power of the Holy Spirit within me to help me...to act as my teleprompter, to act as my Jimminy Cricket conscious, to intercede for me when I blow it, to comfort me when I'm hurting, to guide me when I'm lost. I need to learn to take all of my issues, my crazy thoughts, my jumbled emotions to God RIGHT AWAY and not let them simmer and fester in my brain until I feel like I'm a pressure cooker that's going to blow it's top. I need to measure every action, every thought, and every word against what Scripture says is right and wrong (and not just what I FEEL is right and wrong). I need to actually read and study my Bible so that I can know what Scripture actually says. I need to have fellowship with other believers who can encourage me when I stumble....and I need the transparency and honesty to be able to admit when I stumble and ask for that help. (Ouch! To admit that I'm struggling and I need help?? That pokes me in my pride a bit hard). I need to read over this list about 1000 times or more a day and I need to believe it and then I need to live it.
The other night, on the TV show Big Bang Theory.....Sheldon gave his girlfriend Amy a tiara and it made her stupidly happy. I was trying to explain to my husband why EVERY girl wants a tiara....no matter how old we are. I started listing why we want so VERY BADLY to be tiara-wearing princesses: We want to be Royal! We want to matter! We want to be treasured! We want to be special! We want to be beautiful! And it was at that point that I busted into tears, then sobs that dissolved into outright bawling and then I had to run to the bathroom and blow my snotty nose. As I looked at my ordinary, mascara-stained red face in teh mirror, I realized that I had some big-time tiara envy. I want to be all those things too!!! That resulted in another round of "poor-pitiful-ugly-ordinary-me" bawling.
In retropect, I just want to ask myself WHEN will I start realizing that I AM all those things?? I mattered so much that Jesus DIED for me. I am royal because I'm the adopted DAUGHTER OF THE KING of KINGS! I am special and dare I say it??? I am beautiful in the eyes of my Heavenly Father....He's my bridegroom and I am His bride!! He's my Kinsman Redeemer and he's gone to prepare a home for me! Not just any old shack either...a MANSION! I have no reason to cry about not feeling pretty or not feeling special......because the way I feel doesn't really change the reality of what God has promised me that I AM!! Good grief, if I'd only open my eyes to that TRUTH!!
I have a tiara that my good friends Sheila and LeeAnn bought for me a good many years ago....I keep it in my dresser drawer and I pull it out from time to time to remind me of all these promises. I think I'm going to go right now and take it OUT of the dresser drawer and I might even wear it around the house or even wear it to work!! I need a good reminder of who God says I am and what God says I can do thru Him.....all things....ALL things! ALL things! ALL THINGS!!!!! And that's a blessing I don't want to hide away in a dresser drawer!!!
I had a long and serious talk with Steve tonight over dinner about what "being Godly" really means and if we were Godly people and if you think that you are Godly, does that mean that you're really NOT being Godly?
We came to no real earth-shattering conclusions.....only that even Godly people sin....and the best we can do is strive for having the mind and character of Christ...and confess it immediately when we fail, and then try again. I suppose it all comes down to life experience, attitude and staying in tune with the Holy Spirit.
We were also talking about different attitudes about life....about how some people seem to have "magical thinking" ......actually expecting good things to just fall into their laps without paying any dues, without putting in the time, without hard work and without sweat equity. They have an almost entitlement way of thinking. (We were actually talking about our own children). Is it because of the predominance of the "Name-It-Claim-It" milieu of so many of today's churches? Or is it because they just don't want to work for things? Is it because as children, we parents were so overly worried about their self-esteem that we rescued them from situations where they could have learned from the consequences about the inevitable hard-knocks of life? They seem to think....."I deserve the good things!" and then they actually expect the good things to happen magically....just out of the blue!
I have a hard time understanding this way of thinking. I tend to fall on the other extreme end of the spectrum.....and by the way, I think both extremes are very off the mark. I am always surprised by blessings in my life.....I guess because I usually feel like I don't deserve them. Even though I will admit that I work very hard and do my best, I tend to feel embarrassed and try to downplay any thing that results in a financial gain, or a public reward, or recognition. This kind of attention makes me feel guilty. I end up with a very defeated mindset that sounds something like this inside my head: "If they only knew the REAL me...." or "If they knew what I was ACTUALLY thinking....." or "I wish I was as nice as they think I am...." And I end up feeling guilty over being blessed!! I think that this is just as messed up as expecting the blessings to just happen.
There has to be some middle ground. Surely there are some well-adjusted people out there who work hard, who receive accolades and are happy about it. Where along the line did I begin to feel that I was so worthless that I didn't deserve to be blessed or recognized for doing well? Who told me that I wasn't worth it? That I should be ashamed of the good things that I do? How did this become so ingrained in me? I don't really know the answer to that question. Sure, there were issues during my childhood that I can point back to as being very traumatic...but I also realize that EVERYBODY has skeletons in their closet; we all have a past that still haunts us from time to time.
I think instead of asking when, where and why did this happen, I should focus more on how to fix the problem. I've done all the studies: "Making Peace with Your Past" and "Search for Significance" and "Overcoming Depression" and "Breaking Free" and I did learn from each of them....but I'm still not completely "FIXED." It's likely that I won't ever be completely fixed this side of eternity either.
So, instead of being fixed......I just need to learn to live my life to the best of my ability in a not-fair, very broken and hurting world. Ahhhh, there's the rub, huh? What's the trick to that? Well, I'm not sure there are any tricks to it, and I'm certainly no expert....but this is my take on what I need to do myself.
First and foremost.....I need to pray. Every day. All day. And even when I'm not praying...I need to have an attitude of prayer. I need the power of the Holy Spirit within me to help me...to act as my teleprompter, to act as my Jimminy Cricket conscious, to intercede for me when I blow it, to comfort me when I'm hurting, to guide me when I'm lost. I need to learn to take all of my issues, my crazy thoughts, my jumbled emotions to God RIGHT AWAY and not let them simmer and fester in my brain until I feel like I'm a pressure cooker that's going to blow it's top. I need to measure every action, every thought, and every word against what Scripture says is right and wrong (and not just what I FEEL is right and wrong). I need to actually read and study my Bible so that I can know what Scripture actually says. I need to have fellowship with other believers who can encourage me when I stumble....and I need the transparency and honesty to be able to admit when I stumble and ask for that help. (Ouch! To admit that I'm struggling and I need help?? That pokes me in my pride a bit hard). I need to read over this list about 1000 times or more a day and I need to believe it and then I need to live it.
The other night, on the TV show Big Bang Theory.....Sheldon gave his girlfriend Amy a tiara and it made her stupidly happy. I was trying to explain to my husband why EVERY girl wants a tiara....no matter how old we are. I started listing why we want so VERY BADLY to be tiara-wearing princesses: We want to be Royal! We want to matter! We want to be treasured! We want to be special! We want to be beautiful! And it was at that point that I busted into tears, then sobs that dissolved into outright bawling and then I had to run to the bathroom and blow my snotty nose. As I looked at my ordinary, mascara-stained red face in teh mirror, I realized that I had some big-time tiara envy. I want to be all those things too!!! That resulted in another round of "poor-pitiful-ugly-ordinary-me" bawling.
In retropect, I just want to ask myself WHEN will I start realizing that I AM all those things?? I mattered so much that Jesus DIED for me. I am royal because I'm the adopted DAUGHTER OF THE KING of KINGS! I am special and dare I say it??? I am beautiful in the eyes of my Heavenly Father....He's my bridegroom and I am His bride!! He's my Kinsman Redeemer and he's gone to prepare a home for me! Not just any old shack either...a MANSION! I have no reason to cry about not feeling pretty or not feeling special......because the way I feel doesn't really change the reality of what God has promised me that I AM!! Good grief, if I'd only open my eyes to that TRUTH!!
I have a tiara that my good friends Sheila and LeeAnn bought for me a good many years ago....I keep it in my dresser drawer and I pull it out from time to time to remind me of all these promises. I think I'm going to go right now and take it OUT of the dresser drawer and I might even wear it around the house or even wear it to work!! I need a good reminder of who God says I am and what God says I can do thru Him.....all things....ALL things! ALL things! ALL THINGS!!!!! And that's a blessing I don't want to hide away in a dresser drawer!!!
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